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Kudos. Hope you get Plan B together fast and work it!
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Thanks. Have grown weary of the status quo...
Married 23 years
WH 48 univ prof
BS 45 wfh mom
D-Day: 7/10/08
OW 29 grad student in his lab
DD 12
DD 10
DS 7
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Did forward email to her mother's work and her church. Am working on getting finances together for Plan B... Good. Planning doesn't mean that you have to execute it. Wait a while for result of the latest exposure. Meanwhile, could you put more effort on Plan A ?. -rh-
Give your absolute best such that you could look back 10 years from now w/ no regret.
Happily Married to Lady Elina - 04/29/06
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I have been putting some effort into Plan A, but he's gone back to being sullen and withdrawn. We eat dinner late, he sends the kids to bed, stays up late working, and is asleep when I take them to school. Total family time: < 1 hr per day.
I am trying to think of ways to make it "fun" at home again so he wants to come home and be with us, that he's missing out by not being here.
Anyone have any ideas?
Married 23 years
WH 48 univ prof
BS 45 wfh mom
D-Day: 7/10/08
OW 29 grad student in his lab
DD 12
DD 10
DS 7
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Shows support while he is in basement. Bring hot chocolate or hot coffee or his favorite snack/drinks. Bring a good book to read and stay up late reading while he is working. Don't need to talk much but being around. For "fun" ideas, you might want to ask your kids, they know more than us. -rh-
Give your absolute best such that you could look back 10 years from now w/ no regret.
Happily Married to Lady Elina - 04/29/06
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He got home around 10 pm last night; don't think he saw the kids at all yesterday. I had dozed off in our room watching TV but woke up when he came in. He ate the dinner I'd set aside for him, but when I came to sit with him while he ate, he told me to go back upstairs and watch TV. I didn't. Sat with him for about 30 minutes until he went down to the basement to work some more. Scanned router logs this am - no logging on to gmail or yahoo accounts to check for messages from OW. Interesting.
He looks exhausted, won't speak much to me or the kids, but will watch TV in bed or work in the basement. I know he's still ticked at me but am not sure how to break through. Is it still too soon to try?
Married 23 years
WH 48 univ prof
BS 45 wfh mom
D-Day: 7/10/08
OW 29 grad student in his lab
DD 12
DD 10
DS 7
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He looks exhausted, won't speak much to me or the kids, but will watch TV in bed or work in the basement. I know he's still ticked at me but am not sure how to break through. Is it still too soon to try? You have been M to him for 23 years, how did you break the ice when he was ticked at you in the past ? If he broke up with OW, he is very lonely and depressed. It is your chance. -rh-
Give your absolute best such that you could look back 10 years from now w/ no regret.
Happily Married to Lady Elina - 04/29/06
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You have been M to him for 23 years, how did you break the ice when he was ticked at you in the past ?
-rh- Before A, he'd be mad at me for a few days and then we'd put it behind us and move on. Since the exposure to the ethics committee last year, he's basically withheld intimacy, which used to be such a big part of our lives. Holding hands, cuddling, kisses - all gone for the last 12 months. His new game this week seems to be that he's decided he's no longer accountable to me or the children. He'll work as late as he wants, won't call, and will come and go as he pleases. This is how the affair flourished, because I allowed him so much autonomy. I'm not sure if OW is still in the picture because he won't talk about it. I drove by when he was working late the other night and saw her car there. This is a HUGE problem. I'd rather he be here and not talking to us then there doing who-knows-what. Moreover, he's avoiding the kids because he's mad at me. I need to get this sorted out FAST - anyone have any ideas?
Married 23 years
WH 48 univ prof
BS 45 wfh mom
D-Day: 7/10/08
OW 29 grad student in his lab
DD 12
DD 10
DS 7
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What is the urgency ? It has been like this for past 12 months. You know you most likely have to go to Plan B unless there is unforeseen events happen.
And you are not ready to make that decision ... "I'd rather he be here and not talking to us then there doing who-knows-what."
Would he refuse a cup of coffee/hot chocolate/snacks if your bring it down to him ?. Would he kick you out if you bring a book & blanket and crash at his dungeon ?. Any close family that WH would enjoy the visit from them ?.
-rh-
Give your absolute best such that you could look back 10 years from now w/ no regret.
Happily Married to Lady Elina - 04/29/06
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Just a reminder, Plan A is only supposed to last a very short time for women, around 3-4 weeks. It was never intended to be a way of life for conflict avoiders: The primary reason for abandoning plan A for plan B is protection. The stress experienced in plan A (trying to care for someone too long who is hurting you more deeply than you ever have, or ever will, experience) can leave you physically and emotionally damaged. So the question each person must ask themselves is, "how tough am I?"
My experience is that men are tougher mentally and physically than women. By that, I mean that women seem to start falling apart emotionally and physically after just a few months, or even a few weeks, of plan A. Men, on the other hand, seem to be able to keep it up for years before experiencing health problems.
If I don't know a person too well, I tend to lean to the safe side by recommending 3-4 weeks of plan A for women, and 6 months for men. But if a woman is no worse for wear after a few weeks, or a man is feeling okay after 6 months, there's no reason to end plan A at that point. As you can see, it's inexact, and depends on how the person is doing. A good support system (like the support people often receive on the Forum) can often keep a person in plan A much longer.
Best wishes
Willard F. Harley, Jr. And why does Dr Harley recommend a very short Plan A for women? When a WS refuses to leave the lover, there are no good options for the BS. At first, plan A is recommended because there is a slim hope (15%) that, with encouragement, a WS will make the decision to leave the lover. But 85% don't do that, even when plan A is implemented perfectly.
That leaves two other choices which are both bad. The first is to continue plan A indefinitely, trying to encourage the WS to leave the lover, and the second is to initiate plan B, which is to completely separate from the WS. The problem with a continuation of plan A is that it usually leads to severe emotional symptoms, including years of post-traumatic stress disorder, even when the WS eventually returns. Many women that I've counseled actually have nervous breakdowns in their effort to draw their WS back to them. Instead of making the BS attractive to the WS, plan A actually makes these poor women so unattractive that it completely eliminates all hope of reconciliation. And 95% of all affairs eventually "die a natural death." If you do absolutely nothing, they usually end.
So I've recommended plan B rather early in the effort to separate the WS from his lover.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Either live in Plan A indefinitely with all the accompanying problems...or distrupt the household and go to Plan B. <sigh> I'm not in favor of either option at the moment, but will continue to make love bank deposits while getting things in order for Plan B.
Married 23 years
WH 48 univ prof
BS 45 wfh mom
D-Day: 7/10/08
OW 29 grad student in his lab
DD 12
DD 10
DS 7
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Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 5,733
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Either live in Plan A indefinitely with all the accompanying problems... That is not plan A, that's enabling. Plan A has time frame that depends on you. Yes, deposit LU and avoid withdrawing LU. Any reactions from OW's family ?. -rh-
Give your absolute best such that you could look back 10 years from now w/ no regret.
Happily Married to Lady Elina - 04/29/06
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