I am fairly new to this site. I have posted in SAA, but it was suggested I may want to post here.

Here is my story.

Found out on our 5th anniversary h was having an affair and OW was pregnant with his child. This affair had been going on for several years. He met her when she was pregnant with another man's child.

He moved out 2 weeks after the find and we divorced several years later. During our long term separation I found out through a relative that he had played the role of father to her child for 2 years during our marriage.

Ten years later we remarry. I have forgiven him for the affair. We now deal with his bio son and her other son.

He pays child support for his bio child (no complaint here). Yet he takes care of him financially also. He buys all school clothes, school supplies, glasses, pays for any extracurricula activities, etc. And doesn't get to claim him on taxes. She was clear about that. She said when asked that he was her son and she was claiming him. Found out that she allowed her mom to claim him. He does the same for the other child as well.

Here's the problem.

He wants to continue parenting the child that is not his in the same manner in which he had been doing for years. No accoutability to anyone. She had unlimited access to my h whenever she wanted. During school months he would get them everyday after school; he was the after school child care. She would pick them up after work on Mondays and Fridays. The spent the night on Tue, Wed and Thurs. There were times when she would have him keep them on other days as well. Whatever was convenient for her and her family.


Whenever she gets upset with my h she says he can't get the child that is not his bio. She tried it with bio son, but he finally got a joint custody court order and she can no longer punish him by withholding bio son. But on the flip side, my h has refused to pick up his son on days he could't get the other child. His reason, "he raised them to be togther. And it knew how much it would hurt the other child if he couldn't come. I tried explaining that this is a consequence of having children outside of marriage.

Whever she changes her mind I am the last to know about it. I know about it when my h showes up at the door with him. Of course I've asked when did you decide to get him. Or rather, when did she decide to change her mind. I'm never included or considered in that decision. When I question him, he tries to make me feel guilty by saying that I don't welcome this child to our home. I've tried explaining that it is not just about the child. It's about the control she continues to have over my h by using the child. CONSTANT REMINDER.

I explained to my h that I see this as controll, and it is very difficult for me emotionally. This is the same woman he gave control to in our first marriae when he had the affair with her. And now years later, I have to deal with another type of control. He can't seem to understand that. Of course not, because he is not dealing with the emotional strain.

We tried to institue a time when he would be welcome to stay at our home. But when we communicated that to her, she quickly shot that down and gave the time she would allow him to come. Again that was just a control move. Then when her temper cools , she may extend his days. She uses this child like a carrot and dangles him over m h head.

I am not putting the blame on her, because my h continues to enable this behavior. His only concern is that he continues to parent her child.

There is another dynamic to this situation. She married recently the man she had her 3rd child by. I wonder how he fits into this picture of my h continuing to parent her child that is not his. Now he is the stefather.

My h never married this girl nor did they live together to even establish commonlaw marriage. Yet he continued parenting her son. He gets very upset if I don't acknowledge him as his son.

Within the past 10 years that we were apart, my h married and divorced. I found out recently that this same issue was a problem in their marriage. But he told me that they divorced because she was very jealous and physically abusive. He was afraid more so for the boys.

WE have been married this second time for 8 months and the ONLY thing we have argued or disagreed about is this. The way he allow her to controll him using her son. This is very painful for me emotionallly; and a constant reminder of the past. We don't have any problems concerning his bio son. I thought my h shoud see this as a blessing, given the situation. I am able to embrace his son by another woman conceived during our marriage.

I feel this is very selfish on his part by not considering my emotional wellbeing.

So I need some insight into what I am experiencing. Does he feel like he owes her because she was very young when he met her? I know he really loves this child. But should our marriage suffer needlessly because he wants things to stay the way they've been?

There is more to this saga, but I'm getting overwhelmed writing it, so I know you will probably be the same reading it.

Did you know about him considering this boy his son when you re-married him? Why did you re-marry?

Faith,

What I did know was that he did for the other child like he did for his own. He told me that he did for him because he didn't have anyone to do for him and the child didn't know where he fit in with any family. He told me that his mother really didn't care for him and his bio dad didn't either. I believed him until I discovered that wasn't the truth. I didn't know that my h would get irrate if anyone said he wasn't the father. The first time I said this child was not his son, I could see his whole demeanor change. It was almost like the incredible hulk. I was explaining to him that he should not be signing any documents as his parent or guardian, because legally he wasn't and he could get in trouble for it. He was registering him for school and signing other school documents. I don't know how he was able to do that in the first place. He doesn't have any guardianship papers on him.

I remarried him because I saw a spiritual change in him. He was a changed man. What I didn't see was that he would jeopardize our marriage for the sake of getting his way.

Let me make it a little clearer for you. He doesn't want any accountability as far as the arrangements for the child is concerned. He has had this arrangement for some time. As long as she is satisfied and not upset about anything he can see her son. I don't want to be at the mercy of the woman he had the affair with. I know this is to be expected in these situations until a court order is in place. But he can't get one because he has no legal grounds.

I suggested that the 4 adults sit down and discuss an arrangement for her son to come to our home. That way we are all on the same page. He doesn't want that to happen. I suggested that I call his mother to talk about an arrangement. This would help me to have some say in the matter. And I wouldn't feel so much like she is controlling us. He said that I wasn't ready for that yet. These are all excuses. He is afraid she will withhold the child from him.

The first time she pulled her son from seeing my h was when he filed a petition for joint custody of his bio son. Immediately she threatened him with keeping him from seeing him. AT that time he was getting him 3 nights a week. My husband refused to get his bio son until she gave in and allowed him to get her other son. He didn't tell me that's what he was doing. But I know it was because after several times of not getting his son, she gave in and allowed him to get her other son. I told my h that he was depriving his own son of being with him.

My h promised that he would not allow her to control our household by her whims. We would decide when he would be welcomed. We informed her he would be welcomed in our home on 2 nights each week.

I just see that putting up with this type of behavior opens the door for other things. He has been an enabler to her for years and now I feel like I'm enabling him.

I am trying to save our marriage, but I feel like I'm drowning. I married my h to have a lifelong partner. I am self sufficient and can take care of myself. I didn't marry him for money.

What is your take on this relationship with the OW? And do you understand the emotional turmoil this has me in?

Is there any chance that the first son actually IS your H's?

You have been told that he started his affair when she was already pregnant. Might it be that he was the affair partner while she was still with another man? He cannot admit that, because it would mean that the affair was going on for even longer than you have been told.

Why else would he be willing to blackmail about seeing the second son if he cannot see the first son too? And why would OW give in to that? That is just odd.

FWIW, there is NO WAY EVER I could allow this. My H and I have a dear friend that is raising his xW's TWO kids she had after the divorce (they had two kids together also). Amazing!


So, why are you enabling him? STOP!!!! This is NOT healthy for your marriage.

No, there isn't a chance that the first child is his. He really did meet her when she was pregnant and started the affair.

He told me during one of our arguments that for the past 10 years he was miserable and the only thing that got him through was the relationship with the boys. He said he has had this relationship separate and apart from the mother.

Before we got married, I requested that he put the boys in afterschool care, because I work from home. I am raising my neices 3 children and the youngest attends the same school the boys attend, and he was always in afterschool care. So why should I make an exception. He was so determined to not change his routine that he suggested that he pick up the boys as usual and take them to the library so they wouldn't be in my way. That was a major issue. you would have thought I said to hang them from a light post or something. He became very upset and told me that when he came to me all he had was the boys and it felt like his world was being ripped from him.

Well, along with that request I also requested that she pay for her son and he pay for his bio son. His response was that she could not afford it. Mind you he paid decent child support and still took care of all of his financial needs and most of the other child's financial needs. So she could use some of the child support to pay for her other son's aftercare.

He really needs counseling for his attachment issues.

So your friend, these 2 children are not her husbands? If not, what is their reason for raising them?

Well I understand his not wanting to stop seeing this boy. After all he has been the main father figure since birth! Right or wrong you will not get him to change his feelings on that topic so stop making it an issue. Now as for letting the OW manipulate and control, well only he can stop allowing her to do so. Again you have no control here. All you can do is decide what you will put up with or what is the final straw for *you*.

Believe me I KNOW what it is like to live with a man with no boundaries who's sense of obligation toward the OW goes beyond what I think it should. It has gotten better but he still gets mad at me if I tell him I don't like him doing something that makes ME unhappy.

If I did not have COM, I would not be putting up with having xOW in my life.

I am not trying to get him to change his feelings for the child. What I would like is for him to change the deceitful things he does behind my back to get him. What he doens't understand is when he does these things it's a reminder of the affair. This is a remnder more than seeing his son or the other child.

I asked him to have her call on the house phone instead of his cell, text or by email(that I don't have access to) His reply was, I can't make her. Of course you can't make her, but you can set the boundary that you will not accept her calls, texts or emails and that will send the message.

When he finally saw that I wasn't changing on the afterschool care I asked if he wanted me to inform her of our decision, because she needed to know that she had to make arrangements for her other son if she wanted him in the same afterschool care. He reluctantly agreed. I shared with him that I would email her so I would stay on point. (keep in mind this is the woman he had the affair with and we hadn't spoken in 10 yrs) He said that I might want to call her because her fiancee (now husband) had access to her email. Well that sent up a red flag. Why would my h know about her fiancee having access to her email, unless this was something they talked about. What would be discussed that he shouldn't know about. I ended up calling her and worked it out. Of course when we had another argument, my h brought it up. Aparantly she said something to him about it.

There has been times when my h would show up at the door with her other child. Of course in my mind I'm wondering how did you pull this one off. Especially after she was adamant about when he could come. When questioned about it he said, when he showed up at the school to pick up his bio son, his brother asked to come. He instructed him to call his mom to get permission. I asked my h why didn't he (my h) call me to inform me of the change. Once he said he didn't have time to call me. Of course I said, but you had time to have him call his mom to get permission, but you didn't have time to call me to inform me of the change. The next time this came up his response was, "I didn't think about it". I could go on and on. But you see how this is made to be an issue. His wife is not given the consideration, yet I'm the one making the greatest sacrifice.

And I know that I will have to decide what I will take and what I won't. It's good to have a place to vent.

Migsamac,

Because I'm fairly new to this site I don't understand all the acryonyms. Did your h have an A and was their a child as a result? Are you still married to him?

Yes my H had a one night stand and the OW conceived. Yes, we are still married and I plan on staying that way. We are in NC with the OW/OC. OW is leaving us alone and doesn't want anything from him at this point. We are preparing, however, in case she comes knocking down the road. Note that H is not fully acceptable of full NC further down the road. However, if he wants to keep me, I cannot fathom seeing and accepting a child that another woman was able to give him when I have struggled with infertility for so many years. Maybe one day, but not ANYTIME soon.

Yes, our friend is raising his xW's kids from her marriage AFTER there divorce. I'm not exactly sure of his reasoning, but he is a MUCH bigger person than I could EVER be. I suppose he truly has a heart for the kids' well-being since they are his bio kids siblings.

I would not stand for this. You get his password ASAP. If he has nothing to hide, he will be willing to share his password. If he is not willing to share his password, he is still wayward. Trust on this.

So you can understand some of my emotional struggles. We don't have any children together. When we married the first time I had 4 children by my first husband. All of my children are grown.

It seems that your husband is willing to do whatever it takes to help you heal emotionally.

My h won't even give me credit for being able to accept his bio son.

tekoa, your H still has a wayward mentality. He is still deceitful and selfish. Instead of an A with the OW he is essentially doing the same thing with the children. It is he and whomever against you. His not giving you access to his email is a huge red flag, btw.

I agree about the wayward mentality. He just emailed to let me know that we can go over some work from MB. For the past week I have been printing off the articles and asking that we go over the material. I got a little frustrated because whenever I asked him he would hava an excuse. It was like I was coaxing him. So I put all of the material in a folder and left him a note that said, "when you get ready to to go over some of the material let me know".

Well that is a good start!

Tekoa,

First welcome. I want to point something out to you. You said

It is a reminder because nothing has changed. He was going behind your back then and he is doing it now, and he sees nothing wrong with it.

It is clear he has forged a strong bond with those children and those children have a mother. Therefore, the mother has control and wil use it. He knows this and you should accept this. It will NOT CHANGE.

The question you have to address is will you accept a marriage like this. If you will, then problem solved. If you won't, the the solution is to end this marriage because he hasn't and he will NOT change.

I really cannot imagine what he could have told you to get you to remarry him. I really cannot imagine what you told yourself to find remarrying him a good choice. But, you two must have said some magic words.

However, there are no magic words that change people. People have to change themselves because they want to. You have reared 4 children so you know you would not walk away from them. How can you expect him to do that?

It is you that has to look inside and ecide if you can handle the situation. I know I could not, but then again I would never have gone back after the divorce. So clearly I am not you apart from being of the opposite gender.


Please, please do the reading here, and learn what a good marriage can and should be like. I think once you see and learn this you will be able to make your decision.

God Bless,

JL