When I told my WH that I was focusing on taking care of myself from now on (3 weeks post DD) so that I am a worthy partner for him or my next partner if we don't do R he gets so mad and hurt - says brings up all his resentments that prevent him knowing if he wants a R. Says it makes him furious that he hung in with me for so long then bailed with the affair and now someone else will "get the best woman in the world " (if I take better case of myself and nurture my sexuality). Is this a LB because I am referring to another man or future without me? Should I purposely avoid any reference to the real possibility I may choose divorce and start fresh with someone else?

Dear phoenix;

maybe no timeline, maybe just saying what you are doing for you...in hopes your husband can enjoy. maybe saying what you do to instill self=esteem, joy, love confidence can only enhance what you want to give to him....not someone else.

do you love him? is this to better you only...not get back at him? and what if it is...does he care? tell him to accept the new you, and man up.....

Thanks - really helps knowing how to frame things and I'll stay away from referring to a potential new man.
My efforts at self-care and living more freely in the moment are for me first as I need to treat myself with as much love as I try to show to others and I deserve to be happy.
I am also doing this because I do love him and definitely not to get back at him.
If anything he seems to love seeing me being my true empowered self over the past week or so but I can tell it makes him grieve for what could have been all these years.

It is useful to keep all your stuff in one thread. This helps those who want to reply to have all the facts.

Larry

Do not get caught up in all those years...who cares.... you are here now...you love him now... could you have been a different person...yes ....we all could be... love who you are now....he will remember who he fell in love with and hope to love the woman he sees now....

believe me.... i know how you feel...regret? please..... i breath it in every pore....does it help my relationship now, my love for the man that i grew up with, who thinks he knows me better than myself....no...... love yourself....love those around you.....don't speak what does not need to be spoken.... silence is not golden, it is priceless.....sometimes.....

phoenix,

It appears that taking care of yourself is meeting an EN of his. So keep improving you, but leave out the threat of leaving. Of course you have EVERY RIGHT to leave but bringing it up all of the time or saying that you'll improve for a future man is an LB.

I think you need to figure out what you want to do. Do you want to try to R? If so then there's a list of things that need to happen for R to begin. But the first one is the A has to end. NC must be in place. He should send her a letter. There should be a way to get her address. HE should sign it and YOU should mail it. It's a letter from him to her saying he knows what he did was wrong, he has hurt you(his wife) in a terrible way which you(his wife) did not deserve and that he loves you(his wife). He needs to tell her that he never wants any contact from her EVER. This should be made clear.

At this point he is still untrustworthy. He will still lie so don't bank your money on anything he says. Watch what he does. Watch what he WON'T do.

R a process, a very long one. One day you will be happy you stayed, the next you'll wonder why you did. But first things first. NC is critical and foremost.

Just tell him thanks for his confidence that you can become the best woman in the world, that you consider that a huge compliment. And that you'd like for your future to be with him and you trust that he can become the best husband in the world if he wants to.

He's still kind of foggy. Waywards blame the BS for their affairs. They like to say "If she had been more... " or "If she had not done..." then it never would have happened. They shift the blame of their misdeeds onto someone else. Then if you do a great job of meeting their ENs they're mad at you for "acting so nice" to them, because it makes it more difficult for them to justify their affair.

He's still blame shifting, to a degree. He's mad at you because now that you are improving, he looks like an even worse person than he did. Ignore it, the blame shifting will go away in time.

His "not knowing if he even wants to bother with R" is a threat and an attempt to control you. He says it because he's afraid of losing you. Ignore the threat and listen to the underlying message that he cares about you and he doesn't want to lose you.