Ok, so here the post with the original story:
My Original Story
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2287516&page=1

UPDATE:

Well I've been talking with her from time to time over the last month or so and she has said that things aren't working out with the OM and that she knew she was making a mistake when she was doing it, but just couldn't stop. She felt like her emotional bank account was completely depleted by me and my criticism and anger and this guy came along and he satisfied her emotional needs. Anyway she wants us to start seeing each other again and try and work on things, but she says she doesn't know how to leave the OM. She admits that the OM is an alcoholic with mental problems, but she doesn't know how to leave because "it's not his fault". I'm somewhat worried for her safety if she does leave. From friends that have met him he sounds like a pretty unstable guy.

Ugg, I don't know what to do from here. Just wait? I want her to be happy and healthy and would love to give things a second try, but I just don't know how to proceed myself. It been 6 months now and I had just gotten used to the idea of living without her.

Tell her to give you a call when she's ended her affair.



I find it hard to believe that you are even asking this.
You've become the "OM". She's in a relationship with him and talking to you on the side. She's testing the waters to see if you're still hooked. Sadly, you still are.

I agree with Lexxy and Pepperband.

I don't know your story...but if things aren't going so great w/OM, I would not meet any of her ENs (Plan B) to help hasten the ending of the affair.

You are enabling her cake-eating if you are talking to her...

Plan B was working. This is why she sucked you back in.

NC must be maintained until plan B conditions are met.

She knew she was making a mistake when she was doing it but just couldn't stop?

She doesn't know how to leave the other man? How about leaving the same way she left you? She packs her stuff and moves out.

You're worried for her safety if she leaves? Do you think this man will assault her? In that case, are you arguing that she should stay with him for her own safety?

None of that makes much sense to me.

She left because she thought she would be happier with the new man. She is now negotiating with you to see what inducements you can offer to entice her back.

You were never married to her. You do not have religious and public vows to uphold. You do not have children together. You can, of course, take her back if you want. You seem to want to. If people tell you to stay away for good from this unstable woman, will you listen?

Was her "marriage" to this man ever legalised?

Analogy is my chosen method of making a point, so here goes:

After every plane-crash, train-wreck, boat-sinking, there's always the story about the one intended-traveler who missed the departure, lost his ticket, gave his spot to someone else, whatver. I don't ever recall any of those lucky people desperately bemoaning the fact that they missed out on participating in a disaster.

Dude, YOU are the lucky traveler in this story!

You did not lose her: SHE WAS NEVER YOURS! Maybe the two of you shared a domicile for nine (?) years, but my friend, her heart (assuming she really has one) was living at a different address. Now she's discovered that the supposed man-of-her-dreams is an abusive drunk, and you want to be enlisted to rescue her?

Here's some earnest advice: Change your phone number, block her e-mails, and find a woman who at starts off the relationship being honest with you.

Ok ... First no her marriage to the guy was never legalized and I don't think was real in her mind either.

Second, I'm not saying I will take her back without her wanting to work on herself. Her coming back is far from a done deal. I have met with her several times now and am definitely seeing someone who is starting to look inward at themselves and wants to take more responsibility for her own life, which is great to see. Right now I don't think going NC is the best thing. I'm thinking of it as Plan A again.

Yes her actions were completely insane, but keep in mind they were her particular reaction to not having her EN met, just like many of the other waywards right here on this forum. It doesn't make what she did right, but please don't assume she is heartless or a bad person.

God's Blessings,

Say

nexus 6,

Everything people are saying here is true that she needs to meet the conditions of NC, a NC letter, complete O&H, transparency,etc. It is way too soon to begin recovery or rebuilding. You still need to protect your heart. If she is serious then she should begin reading SAA or HNHN. Make sure she knows you do not want your old marriage back, you want a NEW marriage to be great based on MBer ways with a goal of what everyone? Becoming ONE.

Big,

They were never married to begin with.

Nexus6, I agree with what everyone else has told you. If you do decide to take her back (and I certainly wouldn't live together again!), I would insist on premarital counseling (preferably reading SAA, HNHN and LoveBusters FOR BOTH OF YOU). Why not start over on the right foot with all the tools for a GREAT marriage?

If I could I would recommend this course of action for ALL couples considering marriage. FWIW, marrying her after all of this would be risky, unless and until, she and you BOTH become committed to a healthy marriage for life. Even with that commitment, you guys are starting out all wrong -- years down the road you'll look back and wish you had done it right.

It's not going to get any better unless you're BOTH willing to change.

It looks like you want to be her KISA. Don't sign up for such nonsense.

Why don't American speak English?

Please explain to a silly foreigner.

KISA = Knight in shining armor.

Hey you.

Nexus,

At best, she is dipping her toe in the water with you to cake-eat & keep you on the side as a "backup plan". At worst, she is just using you--she is seeing if you still "care" and "miss her" to get a fix since POSOM isn't turning out to be her fantasy-boy after all (gee, go figure...)

Don't fall for this & don't sell yourself short like this. Tell her NC as long as she's with OM and stay dark.

I know this drill personally, Nexus. My xWW pulled this crap on me a year after our divorce when the honeymoon was over with POSOM. Called me unrequested under the pretext of a minor, irrelevant issue to wax nostalgic about my family and do some half-hearted conciliation, complete with terms of endearment thrown in. Told me that she "kept track of me", "had been hard-headed", "took (me) for granted", and wanted to talk again soon. I actually got a little suckered in for a few days until some good folks knocked some sense into my head. I sent a Plan B letter and she got pissy real fast...she was still with OM and was just toying with me to validate/re-assure herself.

Run away now!
She's not worth once ounce of your consideration until OM is GONE.

I understand what you are all saying and agree that she will need to show action pretty soon. She has said point blank that she wants him out of her apartment and is trying to come up with a plan to do so. Keep in mind it's not as easy as writing a NC letter when the guy is on the lease. She may have to just move, but she is considering the best course of action.

Yes, maybe she does want me to be a bit of the KISA at least in the emotional support sense, but we have both agreed that she won't just be moving back in and that we will date each other and get couples counseling before committing again. If that goes well we would get engaged before we move back in together. She now has a good job again and seems to be taking responsibility for herself. Yes, I do find all of this encouraging and I find no hint that she wants to stay with the OM. Maybe my optimism is setting me up for heartbreak again, but I am in a much stronger place now and will be OK if things don't work out.

She has started reading some self help books now as well. I'll give her "Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders" after the OM is gone. I believe she will be more than open to it.

Hey, KISA is also called an emotional safety net, which women look for when they are SERIOUS about dumping current arrangements.

My Ex-wife tried that with me a couple of weeks ago. My response was that I would do whatever for the kids, but that she needed to put on her big girl panties and take care of her problem herself and that the longer she waited, the worse it would be.



Oh, and the MB program is great for teaching men and women to make the transition to being a grownup. And that is a good thing.

Larry

Nexus, My friend, you need to set and stand firm with some clear concise boundaries for any future relationship with your former wayward partner. Allowing her back into your life otherwise will open yourself up to being a doormat. Your plan B has obviously worked and gained the intended results; she has grown to see you as the better partner, as opposed to the POSOM.

My ExWW ran off with 'The man of her dreams', shacked up for nine months and then wanted me to take her back once her dream fell apart. I lovED my ExWW dearly, but by the time she wanted to come home I had learned enough about myself and my EN's that I knew I needed to stand with firm boundaries, or history would repeat itself. I wrote down and discussed with my IC my most basic 'conditions' for her return, then attempted to discuss them with her in a session with our children's counselor. She absolutely would not go for any of them, so I knew were we stood.

Here is my list. I highly suggest you think about and write something similar. STAND FIRM!!

1.a. Honest, sincere, contrite apology for putting the kids in the middle. (I won't go into specifics because they are graphic and still very painful.)
b. Honest, sincere, contrite apology for the A and what you have done to me. Own up to what you've done. (I have told her it will take some time for me to 'get over it', but I will, and guarantee I can still love her if she takes the first steps toward recovery.)
2. A discussion and full accounting of the reasons for and causes of the A. What could each of us have done better to ensure we care for our relationship, so this will never happen again.
3. Lifetime NO Contact with the POSOM and his ENTIRE family. Lifetime NC with her 'friend' who encouraged and facilitated her A.
4. Commitment to a marital recovery program, such as MB. If she doesn't approve of MB, fine, find a better alternative, and lets get to work.
5. A signed and court approved Co-Habitation Agreement which will be the foundation for a future Prenuptial agreement. (Understand, my D has cost me over 18K and she has burned through her settlement which was over 50K. I will not be responsible for her economic plight.)

As you can surmise from my screen name, she didn't go for it! If fact she never could get past #1, and #'s 4 & 5 were never even discussed. I was told I was 'controlling'. My retort was 'Selfish people call others controlling when they have boundaries which keep them from being walked on.'

Stand Firm, my Friend

I will remain strong for my children, Army Strong!

There was no plan B in this! From this thread:

"Well I've been talking with her from time to time over the last month or so"

"I have met with her several times now".

nexus, you seem to have decided to take your girlfriend back. What advice are you seeking here?