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No he says he won't be seeing anyone else but I don't think that he thinks his friendship is considered seeing someone else. He swears he is not having an A because he doesn't think her meeting his EN is an A.
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Did counseling work for you? Was his depression part of your marital problems?
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Bulldog he may have a secret prepaid cell phone that he is using to call her. This happens often.
Ditto ML in the way you combat him getting his needs met by someone else.
Again if he agreed to go to counseling I would call right now to schedule an appointment with the Harleys unless you found a local MC who uses MB principles to save a marriage. Steve has been able to get though to my WH and I thought no one could.
Married 9 yrs.
DC 7 & 2
DH EA 4/08-01/10
Dday #1 05/08
False recovery b4 I knew about MB 07/08
Dday #2 01/10
NC 01/10
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I have to trust that he hasn't gone underground because he has a long history of A in his family. His mom divorced twice once because of her A and then because of WH A. His step dad has had 3 A and H has seen how destructive they have been first hand. I think the thought of an A is there and right now he is getting his EN met by someone else. How do I compete against that? With this history I would be particularly convinced that he IS having an A.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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He swears he isn't cheating and that there is no one else he just doesn't love me anymore. He is lying! He is having an affair, and it has probably gone sexual. The reason you don't have proof of them talking on his phone, is because he got another one, just to talk to her. It's called an affair phone, and it is very common.
Me 34
WW 30
Abandoned Feb 17th 08, D-Day Aprl 27th 08.
Returned home Jul 7th, OC born 12/30/08
The FOG is clear, and we are in recovery.
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No he says he won't be seeing anyone else but I don't think that he thinks his friendship is considered seeing someone else. He swears he is not having an A because he doesn't think her meeting his EN is an A. Don't allow him to get you caught up in semantics. The points are clear: He does not want to be with you. He has a 'friendship' with someone else. That equals an A. He is putting distance between the two of you in order to pursue his A.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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No he says he won't be seeing anyone else but I don't think that he thinks his friendship is considered seeing someone else. He swears he is not having an A because he doesn't think her meeting his EN is an A. He is lying. Men don't wreck their marriages over "friendships" with some coworker named JOE.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Feeling very sad and confused today. H told me last night that he still would love to work out with me and hopes that in the future we will be able to hang out because he enjoys my company just doesn't want to b married to me. I don't understand that if you aren't in love with me why would you still want to spend time with me? This I love you but am not in love with you anymore is killing me!! I love him and want our life together. I want the marriage to be better and more fulfilling for both of us but I still want the future we planned and were working towards. He caught me checking his phone records and is now very upset because I don't trust him. He said if I don't trust him and he doesn't trust me what kind of a future can we have? Maybe he is right.
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He caught me checking his phone records and is now very upset because I don't trust him. He said if I don't trust him and he doesn't trust me what kind of a future can we have? Maybe he is right. He is gaslighting you, Bulldog. Of course you don't trust him, he is untrustworthy. It is not a lack of trust that ruins marriages, but a lack of boundaries. BD, he is protesting because he doesn't want you to catch him. He is having an affair. Please stay focused on catching him. Have you searched around for a hidden, secret cell phone? I suspect if you put a VOA recorder in his car you will hear some affair talk.
Last edited by MelodyLane; 03/11/10 08:32 AM.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Bulldog, I encourage you to read around on this site as much as possible. You will find that everything your husband is saying and doing is right exactly in line with a CHEATER. He's cheating and he is torn between wanting the comfort of you, his wife, and also the excitement of his lover. Yes, LOVER.
Don't listen to anything he says to you right now...he's lying and he is acting like a person deep in an addiction because his affair is like an addiction.
I'm sorry you are here but if you utilize this website things will be soooo much easier in this awful journey that your husband has thrust upon you.
Last edited by SidneyT; 03/11/10 08:37 AM.
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How should I handle him moving out and filing for D? I don't want him to leave but we aren't getting any where with him here. I try to show affection and do the things he says he needs but he is distant and cold with me. The only time he tries to meet my needs is when he wants a little something then he is all lovey dovey. I am afraid that him moving out and filing is the last step and that there is no coming back from that. I can't stop crying I just tear up with no warning. I got up and worked out with him this morning but it is hard to even be around him cause he won't look at me.
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Bulldog, I hope you are having safe sex and protecting yourself from STD's right now. I know it's not something we ever thought we'd have to think about with our spouses, but unfortunately when there's an affair, we do.
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I'm seeing a lot of "I'm afraid" in your posts. Lose the fear. It's paralyzing you. Listen to what the posters are telling you. You are being given the tools you need - take them.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Bulldog, I am so sorry you are hurting. The BEST thing you can do right now is accept that nothing can happen until you find out the truth. Be as pleasant as possible with him, don't argue, plead or beg. This will get better, I promise.
The solution will be to get evidence of the affair. Once that happens, we can guide you in exposing the affair wide and far. While it is not a magic bullet, it is often lethal to affairs because affairs thrive on secrecy. Their affair will lose its gloss once it is exposed.
This is FAR FROM OVER. Just the fact that he is moving out, does not mean it is over. We have had worse than this come back from the dead.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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This cannot be stressed enough - he is like an alien because he is having an affair, and is addicted to the affair (yes, it's an addiction).
As others have said, pay no attention to what he is saying. He's lying. Cheaters and addicts lie. I know - my wife was addicted.
You need to do everything you can to put a stop to the A, and that means getting as much proof as you can. Lot's of suggestions have been made - try them.
You CAN beat the affair, Bulldog, but it's going to take a lot of work and it's going to hurt like hell sometimes. Fasten your seatbelt.
Me: BH 60 - Married 21 years
ExW had an EA beginning 09/09 (Facebook)
After a few false recoveries, I filed for D 05/11
D final 03/12
'Be Mindful of Your Many Blessings and Endeavor Daily to be Worthy of Them'
Jay Severin
'Life is a gift and it offers each of us the privilege, the opportunity and the responsibility to give something back by becoming something more'
Tony Robbins
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I don't understand that if you aren't in love with me why would you still want to spend time with me? This I love you but am not in love with you anymore is killing me!! You need to read this. http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2321361&page=1
Me 34
WW 30
Abandoned Feb 17th 08, D-Day Aprl 27th 08.
Returned home Jul 7th, OC born 12/30/08
The FOG is clear, and we are in recovery.
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Be glad you caught it early and you found these forums/folks early. Even though it is tough and sometimes counterintuitive listen to what is said here. I wish I would have found MB sooner! It is tough, you will slip, you will have every possible emotion imaginable, but you just gotta stay the course. I too went thru the not "in" love wayward babble. My wife now realizes she does love me. The A has stopped and we are starting to chart a recovery. Its still day to day and issues pop up daily as well, but I am staying the course. Just last night I got real discouraged, but this morning a good conversation cleared things up. I made mistakes early that I could have avoided by listening to the MB methods.
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You'll feel much better and stonger once you have a plan. You can do this.
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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My husband is moving out and has decided he wants to date and wants me to date. He wants me to tell him when I am dating because he said he will know if it is truly over by how my dating makes him feel. This is insane to me I told him I am not interested in dating and just want to go to counseling and work things out. He told me I just need to let him go. I have started a plan A and am reading his needs her needs. I am not sure where to go from here could use advice. I can't stop him from dating so waht do I do?
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My husband is moving out and has decided he wants to date and wants me to date. He is setting the stage so he can resume his affair once out of the house out in the open. He wants you to commit adultery so he can say that you did it too and use it against you in a divorce proceeding. Tell him you are not interested in committing adultery and if he does that he will be committing adultery too. Let him know that you will not be his "friend" if he does this horrible thing to you. Tell him you are not interested in adultery; only in repairing th marriage.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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