Hi everyone I just need some help and please work with me as this is going to be long.

My husband and I got married in May of 2008 and found out that we were pregnant in Aug of 08'. Now granted we were together for 5 years up to getting married and lived together for 4 of those 5 years.

In October, my husband went hunting and when he got home on Sunday, he was acting very out of sorts. He barely spoke to me and just said he was tired and went to lay down. I was so confused and didn't know what was going on and over the next week, he was very distant. The following weekend on Saturday, he stated that he needed to take peanut butter over to a mutual friends house and was gone for approx 45min to an hour. On Sunday my son and I were sick and we had been invited to this same mutual friends house to watch a race. I had planned on going, but didn't feel well and I asked my husband if he wouldn't go b/c her husband was out of town hunting and I just didn't feel comfortable at all. He went anyway after we got in a huge fight and was gone for 7-8hrs over to her house. He came home and I told him that I didn't feel like he didn't love me anymore and he flew off the handle. The following monday while I was feeding the baby and getting him ready for bed, he went outside. I went outside after putting him down and he was on the phone. He went on to tell me that it was her after he lied to me and I read that he was lying. He told me that the reason that he hadn't told me is because of the fact that ever since I found out that they slept together and used to date that I acted funny when he spoke to her. Maybe I did, but really I don't think that I did b/c she is married and we all hung out so I didn't think it was a big deal. WRONG!!!! So that night I demanded to know what they have been talking about b/c when he was texting all the time and what have you, he would tell me that it was another mutual friend (guy), which was obviously a lie. He told me that he had been talking to her b/c he wasn't happy with where we are and he "loves me but isn't in love with me anymore." He also said that he felt pressured to marry me and while he was ready to get married and he didn't want to lose me. I was crushed and really didn't think that they were having an affair...well I did, but I didn't want to believe it. So I asked him if he wants to save the marriage and per him yes so we went to marriage counselling which was a joke and we usually left with more turmoil than what we entered with. He continually would refuse to not talk to her and then it got to the point after she told me and he told me that they weren't talking that I found out they were talking again b/c I found a text to him while he was in the bathtub that said ok and iloveyoutoo only written in #'s. I was irrate and I confronted him as he had deleted all of the other texts. I called her 3-4 times to which she didn't answer and then I called her husband and told him to ask his wife who she loves and who she's been talking to and texted ect and left it at that. Well the following weekend, they were all supposed to be going on a hunting trip together (I couldn't go b/c we have a baby and no one to watch him overnight). I had asked him not to go, but he manipulated me into letting him go b/c at this time I was a basket case and didn't know right way up. He said so give me a chance to allow you to trust me and he ended up going and riding with them. He told me that he called her husband and apologized and told him that he isn't a homewrecker ect. Now I don't know if this is what he said, but I'm thinking it went more along the lines of we're just friends and my wife is crazy. She texts me this week and tells me I just want to let you know that I text D b/c my husbands texting wasn't working and I just want you to trust me. Uggghhhhhh liar.
So I get the phone bill before that and it is over $500 b/c of the fact that they have different carriers and there were over 5000 texts in a matter of a couple of weeks.
So I then found out that they were still talking and I call him and tell him that I'm taking our son and I'm leaving b/c I'm not going to stick around to continue to be hurt. We take seperate vacations and he goes by himself hunting and I went to Florida to visit my best friend over Thanksgiving. We got a bit closer during this time and kept in touch the whole time.
Her mother watches our son and I'm pretty sure that they've told everyone that I'm just crazy and they are just friends and I didn't find this site until about December. I was working on reading many books and trying to get things together ect. I thought that he hasn't been talking to her, but I'm pretty sure they've still been seeing each other to some extent or something.
I wanted to find a different babysitter but he doesn't and really I drop him off avoiding her and pick him up avoiding her. I will not and refuse to talk to her as I have nothing to say to her at all.
Now....he still says he wants to work on our marriage, but he doesn't know what to do ect. I've showed him the site and it was like it was a burden to him so pretty sure that didn't help.
I have at this point ordered something that can read his sims card from his phone and pick up all deleted messages as long as the sims card hasn't been overwritten by new messages and since then there definately haven't been that many messages so I think that there is a good chance that they are still there. I'm thinking after I get them that I will meet with her husband and show him what is/was going on bc at this point he doesn't see it as a big deal. The day that he was over there for hours on end he tells me that they kissed and that's all they did. I don't really believe that, but I don't know what to believe anymore.
I'm just really stuck on what to do and need some guideance. I have a son that will be turning 1 in april and I just don't want to make the wrong decision as far as he's concerned. I really don't want him to have a 2nd mommy or daddy and I know that there is no chance that she will leave her husband at all!! Her parents would be fully against it!!!
If you want to ask any questions or have anything to ask, please don't hesitate as I am an open book and I know this is kind of all over the place. I'm just lost, hurt, confused ect.

Let me get this right.
WH cheats with mutual friend, and you move out with the kid. He says that he wants to fix the marriage, but in reality he won't because he is having an affair.

Have you exposed him to the most influential people in his life that will ruin his affair?

People to expose to can be parents on both sides, (I know you tried OWH, but give him some evidence) his siblings, his boss, his church leader.

Continue to snoop on him, and gather evidence. I try not to look at the details of the evidence because it drives me nuts.

Have you read up on Plan A/B? (I assume you have)

What is your current plan with the situation you have?

Here are some links for you to read:

Exposure - a must read

Plan A - Carrot and Stick

not sure if the Plan A will help you in this situation, but who knows?

Get that SIM reader and save a copy of the printouts somewhere SAFE -- away from your home.

Be ready to show your evidence to OWH.

Then expose to everyone.

I am sorry for what you are about to see. I think you know its going to hurt.

Try to be prepared so that you can work with a PLAN instead of your emotions.

I have the phone bill and I will print it out and make copies of it...some of the other stuff I've already thrown away b/c of the fact that I just didn't know what to do and I didn't want it to be a constant reminder of things. After I get the SIMS card reader, then I plan on contacting her husband to see if he will meet me someplace to go over things. Yes I think that he is lying to me about what he said as well, but I want to have some things in place before talking to OWH about things.

He does get angry very easily as he has always been like this, but he has never hit me or threatened me at all. He has said some very hurtful things and especially since all of this came to light, but he hasn't ever hit me or hurt me and I'm not afraid of him hurting me physically.

I have tried to go through the finances, but the problem is that we have seperate bank accounts and seperate credit cards as we always have and never had a reason to change it b/c it worked. I tried to get into his bank acct, but I don't know what the username is or the password so I couldn't and none of the statements come to the house.

I know about exposure and I want to so bad, but A. I'm afraid then I will wreck any shot that we have of things b/c he already resents me and I think he will resent me more. B. I'm afraid of the reactions from my mother and his father b/c then if we stay together I don't want them to think negatively about either of us. If I were to tell his father, I'm pretty sure that his father would come down hard on him, but his thing is that he feels that his father always tells him what to do and then I think that may push him further away.
I want to have more details.
Has it been too long for exposure b/c I really don't know if it's still going on although I believe that they are still meeting to some extent...lunch perhaps. I don't have the money for a pi and I extended my finances just to get the sims card reader but I have to know.
Plan A...I'm not sure that this would work and that's because I think that he is so withdrawn from me at this point that he won't even allow me in. He barely speaks to me at some points in the evening unless it pertains to our son. I just miss laughing with him b/c we haven't done this in so long!!! I have read these things front and back and I've read lovebusters, but I don't think he realizes that I really care. I don't know how to get this across to him b/c at this time he sincerely believes that she is his soulmate. He's stuck.......

I'm trying my best to be prepared b/c I definately know that it's going to hurt, but I cannot stand not knowing anymore. As soon as I have the information I am going to her husband and I hope that he will see what I am trying to do (save my marriage) and doesn't think that I'm just out for revenge. I don't want revenge and I don't want to hurt him, but I think he deserves the truth.

Just, I would be more afraid of not exposing him, because exposure is the thing most likely to end the affair and lead to recovery. As it is now, your marriage is lost. And doing nothing will not save it. Your marriage can survive your H�s temporary anger; it can�t survive an ongoing affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so helping him keep his secret only enables his affair at the expense of your marriage. Every WS is furious when the affair is exposed. But they quickly overcome it and all the anger is forgotten when they recover. It is like taking the car keys away from a falling down drunk. Sure, they are angry about it, but that is no excuse to avoid doing what it takes to stop their destructive behavior. When the drunk sobers up, he is grateful you stopped him.


It is not too long for exposure. Everyone should be told about the affair. Parents, close friends, his employer if a workplace affair, your children, most especially the OWH. If you can expose to the OW�s family and friends via facebook, you would likely kill the affair. Exposure is the most impactful if done on the same day because it has a tsunami effect and prevents the affairees from pre-empting you and spinning the story.


He is high on the addiction of an affair. This is why the solution to kill his affair. He will STAY withdrawn until his affair is over. Exposure is your most potent weapon against the affair and is your best hope. Affairs thrive on secrecy so keeping it a secret FUELS the affair.

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entire newsletter here

Ok so her mother watches our son and I'm pretty sure that they've told her that I'm just jealous of their relationship and that they had nothing going on ect. How do I go about telling her in a way that is constructive? I just don't know how to go about telling everyone in a constructive way so that I don't look like I'm just crazy as I'm sure they've already told everyone that I am. Uggghhhh.....[censored]. Sorry it just peaves me that they are doing wrong and I get to tell everyone. Should I wait until I get the phone records so that way if she has something to say then I can show her those? I'm pretty sure that I should talk to her husband first and then go to everyone else? Is this correct??

This is actually a very good reason for Plan A. When he sees your positive changes, he's likely to leave the state of withdrawal and enter the state of conflict.

Expose to her BH first, but plan to expose to everyone in the same day. Make it clear to EVERYONE that you plan on saving your M, and ask for their help if they're willing to give it.

Especially for your parents and his, if you state your goal of recovery right at the beginning, they won't be nearly as surprised when you succeed and take him back.

If you can get the SIM card stuff right away, I would wait for that. If it's going to be more than about 3 days, I'd gather what you have available and use that.

This is in the future a ways, but separate accounts and separate lives is not going to be condusive to a successful recovery when you get there.

I have been trying Plan A, but sometimes my emotions run so high that I think that I've ruined that sometimes. I will re-read Plan A again...I've read it multiple times and part of the problem is that I don't know what lovebusters are for him as well as I don't know exactly what his emotional needs are either. I'm just guessing and I'm not sure how well it is working.
I should be getting the SIMS card by Monday at the latest. Is it going to be too late when I get that so it would probably be mid next week, but I don't want to go to her husband until I have more information b/c just seeing the phone log isn't going to do it I don't think b/c of what they have told him. Or what I believe they have told him.
Last week I had to take a couple of days off work b/c I was so emotionally spent and it had taken it's toll on me at that point. I just needed some time to lay around, cry and just be by myself.

1. Gather your information/evidence of A

2. Expose to those key people that would be of influence to your husband

3. Establish no contact with OW -- Does your husband really think that hanging out with a former GF and kissing (or whatever else) is not an A? This is why you need to plan A him, so that he will see you as desirable, and be willing to withdraw from her.

4. Get a new babysitter. This is part of no contact.

I pray that plan A works for you. This is the time that you need to be strong, establish some boundaries re: the OW and get a backbone. Don't worry about him getting mad if you expose. He'll get over it, and probably thank you for it in the long run.

I don't think I'd wait another week to get the SIM card reader. I would be looking for alternative child care now. You don't have to explain yourself ahead of time to anyone. When you do give notice, that can be your exposure moment. If you can swing temporary care with someone else or take off work, you can pull your child tomorrow and then drop the nukes. The phone records and SIM reader can come into play later on...but that's just me.

You know what is going on. If other want to be in denial you can't do much about that. Some people will be in denial even when faced with cold hard evidence simply because they don't want to the truth. I'd expose ASAP so that you have the weekend to hash things out without work being an issue.

I have been looking into alternative child care, but he won't go for it at all. I don't know how to go about getting him on board for getting a new babysitter. Will exposure help him realize that we need to get a new child care provider? It's like a knife in the heart whenever I go over there not to mention she lives right next door to OW. I cannot take off work to find a new provider, but perhaps my father can watch him next week as he has been laid off. Just thinking out loud at this point.
I want to know the truth, but I think that this is the problem with OWH ... I'm not sure that he wants to know the truth nor her parents.

JWP, your WH does not have to be onboard with the babysitting. This is a necessary step towards NC. You can not have a relationship with OW's mother...period. You are this child's mother and your WH is blind as a bat at the moment. You do not need to ask permission about this. If he doesn't like it...too bad.

I agree. Just switch, and be nice through the fallout.

He'll only be angry because it doesn't allow him to pretend that everything is fine.

This is non-negotiable. You cannot torture yourself by allowing this babysitting arrangement to continue. Find another sitter. You don't need to take off work to do that. Make phone calls and schedule a time to interview sitters when you're not working. Make this happen. Pretend your current sitter died. Now what are you going to do?

It doesn't matter what the OWH or family needs as far as the truth goes. You need to do what's right for your M. Are you saying you won't expose because you think they don't really want to know? Exposure is to benefit YOU and your M. If it benefits them, so much the better. But don't refuse to expose because you don't think they care!

I called OWH while I was at lunch and per him my H has been very depressed when he has seen him the past few times and per him, his marriage is going better than it has in a long time. I told him about an email that I found and ask him if he knew about them kissing the weekend he was out of town and per him she told him that she just kissed him on the cheek ect. He said that my H has said that he has a problem with trust with me ect b/c I would check his emails, phone ect. I let him know that I never did this until I found out what I found out and that my H was lying to me about who he was talking to ect. He also said that he doesn't think that they've still been seeing each other ect. He said that all the texts that he ever seen were all brother/sister type of texts ect. He did say that my H told him that he was sorry and that he wasn't a homewrecker ect. so I guess he was telling the truth on that part. He also confirmed that his 14 year old daughter did confirm that she was home when my H went to their house one day when he was out of town.
I'm more confused then ever and don't know what step to take next. I really would do anything for my H and I don't know how to make him realize this. Whenever I talk to him, he won't come forward and talk back really. He just talks vaguely and says he doesn't know what to do and gets upset.