|
|
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 162
Member
|
OP
Member
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 162 |
HbH: Ever notice that just when you start feeling a little stronger, BaT finds exactly the right button to push to bring you to your knees again?
This is not an accident. It happened to me, too, again and again and again. Until I got on ADs and went to Plan B. *Then* he was so angry about losing that control over me that he left and filed for divorce, but at least he cannot hurt me anymore - not like that. Yes Mulan. I do notice. I'm just trying to remain objective. It's so hard when you're in the middle of things...as every BS knows. I see everything as a personal attack on me. BaT doesn't even register that his actions would be hurtful. Somewhere in the middle lies the truth.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 6,108
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 6,108 |
"I never thought the pics would have this effect on you. I was simply going to tell you this morning, hey, there are pics of OW on this card, you need to go through and delete." If I only had a brain...  I love wayward logic. 
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 162
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 162 |
Raven,
I know right!!!!
Now, in BaT's defense, over the last 6 months, WHEN i am in a "good" place and WHEN i come across photos, I usually discard the ones with POSOW without much fanfare.
BUT THAT IS COMPLETELY DIFFERENT THAN WH LOOKING AT THEM ON HIS COMPUTER.
That, sends me into a tailspin...
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 3,499
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 3,499 |
((((HbH))))
I am so sorry..... My heart goes out to you....
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 162
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 162 |
((((HbH))))
I am so sorry..... My heart goes out to you.... NOT, You are so full of compassion  I am doing better now...venting on MB always helps... Hurry up 8am tomorrow for MC with SH...
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 3,146
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 3,146 |
My issue is ... why did he not discuss this with his wife BEFORE looking at photos.
Go there, instead.
Communicate with each other before taking action.
More "bang for your buck". 1. The Rule of Protection: Avoid being the cause of your spouse's unhappiness. Neither of you followed this rule in this situation!
Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 3,146
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 3,146 |
Why aren't you both going to bed together?
You cannot snuggle and meet EN's when one goes to bed and the other is staying up??
Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
Ultimately, this is what he said:
"I never thought the pics would have this effect on you. I was simply going to tell you this morning, hey, there are pics of OW on this card, you need to go through and delete."
Not each & every incident.
Things WILL change, if you bring the discussion back around to the fundamentals ...
Your anger, be it justified or not, is not going to educate your H.
It's also bad for your general well being.
(not to mention your kids)FUNDAMENTALS"Dear, we need to discuss our choices with each other first.
I do not feel safe when you take an action independent of that discussion."
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 162
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 162 |
Why aren't you both going to bed together?
You cannot snuggle and meet EN's when one goes to bed and the other is staying up?? We have gone to bed at the same time every nite (except one nite BaT stayed in a hotel room 3 days afte D-Day). This is HUGE issue with me, because all during PA, BaT would stay up late to "watch TV" and I would go to bed...Watch TV= OW coming to my house and having sex while I'm asleep upstairs. Last nite, BaT stayed up because we had been in an argument and he was working on timeline.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 162
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 162 |
1. The Rule of Protection: Avoid being the cause of your spouse's unhappiness.
Neither of you followed this rule in this situation! You are right. I did not. It is no secret that I struggle with this, DJ and AO. Not Pre-A, but now I do. I will talk to SH in the morning, maybe I need IC. I don't know. My mouth does not shut itself.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 3,146
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 3,146 |
1. The Rule of Protection: Avoid being the cause of your spouse's unhappiness.
Neither of you followed this rule in this situation! You are right. I did not. It is no secret that I struggle with this, DJ and AO. Not Pre-A, but now I do. I will talk to SH in the morning, maybe I need IC. I don't know. My mouth does not shut itself. You have every right to BE angry, but if you want to recover this M you need to follow this rule!
Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 162
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 162 |
Discuss the fundamentals.
Not each & every incident.
Things WILL change, if you bring the discussion back around to the fundamentals ...
Your anger, be it justified or not, is not going to educate your H.
It's also bad for your general well being.
(not to mention your kids) Agreed.
FUNDAMENTALS
"Dear, we need to discuss our choices with each other first.
I do not feel safe when you take an action independent of that discussion."
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
In my thinking, BaT should be able to discern acceptable/non-acceptable behavior...especially for something SO blatant (pics of OW).
He's NOT able to discern. (yet)
He lacks this insight, so far.
So, the "rule" must be clear.
You do not have a crystal ball.
So, the "rule" must be "Make no independent decisions."
He needs to ASK first, all day long.
It will drive you crazy.
It will drive him crazy.
But, it's a better crazy.
Eventually, it will feel natural to ask ...
"Will it bother you if I do (whatever)."
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
HbH
MY making independent decisions is/was one of my biggest lovebusters.
I do understand this from your H's point of view.
I did not "get it" at first either.
Now, it's fun to ask.
I get lots of GREAT feedback, when I ask the question.
"Will it bother you if I ........?"
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 3,146
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 3,146 |
In my thinking, BaT should be able to discern acceptable/non-acceptable behavior...especially for something SO blatant (pics of OW).[/color] Here in lies the problem! You cannot make this assumption! First, it's a DJ..... kinda silly in your mind maybe, but you're making a judgement here. Second, he has demonstrated his own discernment is not the best....... Communication of topics and bouncing things back and forth prior to taking actions will be critical fot BaT and helpful for you!
Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 3,146
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 3,146 |
HbH
MY making independent decisions is/was one of my biggest lovebusters.
I do understand this from your H's point of view.
I did not "get it" at first either.
Now, it's fun to ask.
I get lots of GREAT feedback, when I ask the question.
"Will it bother you if I ........?"
Pep said it better!
Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 162
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 162 |
"Will it bother you if I do (whatever)."
[/font] THANK YOU PEP!!! I knew you would break it down...in another life, I was acute, now I am obtuse. I am going to give him that question word for word!!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
You're welcome.
I'm off to do dumb silly things now.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,490
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,490 |
Now, it's fun to ask.
I get lots of GREAT feedback, when I ask the question.
"Will it bother you if I ........?" DH came up with "how would you feel if I....". This works for us. What would work for you?
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. 
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 162
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 162 |
Now, it's fun to ask.
I get lots of GREAT feedback, when I ask the question.
"Will it bother you if I ........?" DH came up with "how would you feel if I....". This works for us. What would work for you? both/either/anything... I will ask BaT if he has a preference...there is something to be said for just being PLEASANT. Taker, taker, go away...
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
0 members (),
190
guests, and
47
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Children
by BrainHurts - 10/19/24 03:02 PM
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,615
Posts2,323,459
Members71,895
| |
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
|
|
|
|
