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This is a long process and I regret that I have spent the last 6 months wallowing in the A rather than focusing on the big picture..R of our M!!!
Good "ah-ha" moment.
Just a small whisper of a warning .... You will need to repeat this "ah-ha" moment some more. You will lapse into past bad habits (we all do) when you are over stressed.
This is "why" (since you like the why so much) self care is very, very, very, very, very, very, IMPORTANT for a woman such as yourself.
You are now responsible for making certain your vessel does not run dry.
When it's dry, you will love bust and feel good about it.
Every day, evaluate your self care.
EVERY DAY.
It is your responsibility, making certain your vessel is not dry.
Ask BaT to help out when you need some self care.
Tell him about your vessel.
Tell him when it feels low.
He can assist you.
He'll probably like this. (It will give him something he can help "fix".)
Please avoid the mistakes I made. 
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We got an offer on our house today!!! Yay!! I don't know how the A can away all the good that happened in that home...I guess because I allow it to do that...but I don't remember that as the home where I brought all of my babies home from the hospital...I remember that home as the where BaT and POSOW would have sex while I was asleep upstairs. (Venting finished). The offer is not good...BUT I DON'T CARE!!! I have been trying really hard the past few days to follow the MB concepts with which I have trouble...AO, DJ and POJA. But this is causing me grief!!! BaT is less than pleased with offer (its about $25k less than we wanted). Fine time for BaT to start worrying about $$$ now...here, HBH, buy a new motorhome so BaT can screw POSOW in it....here, HBH, buy a boat so BaT can screw POSOW in it....here HBH, pay for....ok, I am back to venting...NOW I am finished...  Question: Do BaT & I have to "enthusiastically agree" to sell the house? The boat? The RV? 6 weeks after D-day, I started trying to get rid of places where they'd had sex...but those 3 are difficult because of the price tag and the economy...so OF COURSE we are going to lose money...I DON'T CARE...I hate hate hate hate having to make payments on those things every month...
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Sure hope you will counter-offer. Most people's original offer is less than they would pay. Just got done helping my niece buy a home, and you would be surprised at how many people get offended by a lower offer and don't counter.
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we did counter...but I just want it sold...we went by the house the last time we were in town to check on things...ICK!!! The house just needs to go...
Anyway, I just told BaT to think about payments, insurance, taxes, all the utilities, landscaping, etc...and so he reluctantly agreed...
I know it's not enthusiastic, but it will have to work for now...
I just know we are going to have the same problem with the RV and Boat, when/if they ever sell...the economy just isn't good for big ticket items...
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The economy is picking up, at least here in California. And from now through the summer is the best time to sell. Hope you will take your time and try to negotiate with your buyers. More offers will probably come, but your peace of mind is important too.
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HBH,
This is NOT a POJA issue in my or tst's opinion.
We took financial losses, too, to rid our lives of anything that was connected to the affair.
tst turned in the keys to his condo and wrote a check for the 9 months of the contract that still remained. He had someone come in and pack up all the furniture/household items and donate them. He sold the vehicles for the first offers we received.
It was the wisest decision he could have made for our marriage and dealing with those massive triggers. His quick actions completely removed those triggers from our lives instead of dealing with them for months ahead.
If he had kept those things around, it would have adversely affected our recovery. It would have kept me in constant trigger mode for months and months. It was hard enough to manage the triggers that we could not eliminate.
Removing triggers is in the best interest of the BS, the WS, and the marriage. It's a win/win.
And IMO removing triggers and establishing EPs is not open for POJA.
Ideally, these things get taken care of immediately so that you can move into "recovery" mode instead of "affair" mode.
Happily married to HerPapaBear
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Thanks SMB...
We accepted the offer!!! So, now I will keep my fingers crossed for all the details to come together...
BaT finished his "timeline" assignment....all the kids are in bed, so I am about to go read it...
I already feel nauseated...
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That is GOOD NEWS about the house!!! The sooner those things are unloaded, the sooner your mind can take a step closer to peace.
It is also good news that BaT finished the timeline assignment!!!
However, I imagine it had an emotional impact on you. How are you this morning?
{{{{HBH}}}}}
Happily married to HerPapaBear
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{{{{HbH}}}}, I just caught up on your thread. How are you this morning? I'm glad that BaT finished the assignment (  ...Very GOOD BaT.... I KNEW you could do this.......I do have faith in you). Now, make sure you all schedule another appt. with Steve so you can move forward in Recovery....  That aside, how are you feeling today? I'm sure it put you in a bit of a tailspin. It's okay. Just remember whatever you want to vent about it bring it here. Love Busting BaT about it won't help your recovery but stuffing it down won't help either. Bring it here .... Just like you did about the house. I'm on spring break this week....  .....so I'll be around a bit more. I'm getting ready to go work out but when I am done I'm gonna come back and give ya my thoughts on taking care of YOU..... not2fun
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Dear HBH I regret to inform you that the "Foundation for getting Gack1 an RV and Boat" will be unable to accept the generous donation of your boat. Unfortunately after having received some description of the size of the vessel, we have come to the conclusion that maintaining an Olympic class Ocean liner such as your "Boat" is beyond the abilities of our small organization. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Olympic_class_ocean_linerWe regret having waisted your time in this matter and ask that you keep the hat and T-Shirt as our gift to you. We will keep you on our list of contributors in case of any future opportunity's that may arise. Sincerely Gack1  Glad your getting out of the House. Now you have the opportunity to buy a new one, and build new memories there.
Me 34
WW 30
Abandoned Feb 17th 08, D-Day Aprl 27th 08.
Returned home Jul 7th, OC born 12/30/08
The FOG is clear, and we are in recovery.
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That is GOOD NEWS about the house!!! The sooner those things are unloaded, the sooner your mind can take a step closer to peace.
It is also good news that BaT finished the timeline assignment!!!
However, I imagine it had an emotional impact on you. How are you this morning?
{{{{HBH}}}}} It was rough...I spent most of the night vomiting...I already knew what I was going to be worried about...and sure enough it was in there...He promised her he would marry her!!!!  BaT had always denied that...POSOW had already told me though, when she was trying to break us up. For right now, I am better though...BaT was an idiot for even saying something like that...he just shook his head this morning, like even he couldn't believe he said it. Doesn't make it any easier though  I guess, like everything else, this too shall pass....
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Dear HBH I regret to inform you that the "Foundation for getting Gack1 an RV and Boat" will be unable to accept the generous donation of your boat. Unfortunately after having received some description of the size of the vessel, we have come to the conclusion that maintaining an Olympic class Ocean liner such as your "Boat" is beyond the abilities of our small organization. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Olympic_class_ocean_linerWe regret having waisted your time in this matter and ask that you keep the hat and T-Shirt as our gift to you. We will keep you on our list of contributors in case of any future opportunity's that may arise. Sincerely Gack1 Glad your getting out of the House. Now you have the opportunity to buy a new one, and build new memories there. Dr. Harley called....you are offically the Class Clown of MB 2010....LOL...your posts always make me smile 
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I just caught up on your thread. How are you this morning? Better than I was last nite See my post to SMB... I'm glad that BaT finished the assignment ( ...Very GOOD BaT.... I KNEW you could do this.......I do have faith in you). Now, make sure you all schedule another appt. with Steve so you can move forward in Recovery.... I am proud of BaT, I know that wasn't easy to write...it wasn't real easy to read either, but that's another deal all together As you know from my thread, I had HUGE resentment because of his refusal to do the timeline...so I feel like this was a really good show of BaT's commitment to R of M... Hopefully we have an appt tomorrow with SH, I emailed them and am waiting on a response back I'm on spring break this week.... .....so I'll be around a bit more. I'm getting ready to go work out but when I am done I'm gonna come back and give ya my thoughts on taking care of YOU..... not2fun Yay for NOT!!! No work this week!!! Taking care of HBH...this weekend we joined the local country club...which has a Spa for HBH and golf for BaT...AND..drum roll...childcare on site!!! It's actually the door next to the spa!!! I am SO excited So this morning, BaT and I got up (did a little LB'ing over that $#*&%#*(& timeline...but let's just gloss over HBH's shortcomings for now) and went to work out for the first time since D-day..and then went to tan!!! Yay!!! Then took a lunch break, took the kids to the park and played tennis for about an hour while they played on the playground...
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Wanna hear something funny? (sick sort of funny)
Prior to D day .... OW had offhandedly mentioned to my MIL that she (OW) always wanted my MIL to be her (OW) MIL.
WTF ?
After D-day , the OW went to see my MIL. Apparently to apologize.
My MIL (5 foot zero) got all up in OW's (5 foot 9) grill and said:
"I never want to see you or speak to you ever again.
You tried to ruin my family."
So much for the "MM will marry me" fantasy.
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If it weren't so damn hurtful, it would be ridiculous. In BaT's sitch, because POSOW was so young...think 23 going on 16...it was just SO childish!!! VENTING ALERT!!!!!!!! But boy, did they have plans...this part POSOW had already told me all about...but BaT promised her he would divorce me, promised that he would marry her (not just, "if i were free"...but said the word "promise"), BaT told her he could get her a job with some of my business contacts as a receptionist or something...that they would have to keep things "quiet" so that I wouldn't cause a fuss with seeing the babies (but BaT assured her that after the D was over, I wouldn't have a problem with the two of them being together)
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My MIL (5 foot zero) got all up in OW's (5 foot 9) grill and said:
"I never want to see you or speak to you ever again.
You tried to ruin my family." Yay MIL!!!!! I love it!!!
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He promised her he would marry her!!!! Idiot! I will never understand WayTards. Is there any way you could get him to wright down exactly how he thought that was going to turn out? Please have him include a few flow charts, a pie graph, and a bar graph so that I may have some visual aids to help me understand. Did he give you any reasons why he told her that? And,I am soooooooo Very sorry you had to experience that.
Me 34
WW 30
Abandoned Feb 17th 08, D-Day Aprl 27th 08.
Returned home Jul 7th, OC born 12/30/08
The FOG is clear, and we are in recovery.
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HbH, if you're like me, one of the qualities you searched for in a mate, is intelligence.
It was so weird and so distressing to see my smart husband become a dumbstupidwaywardassholewhodroolsstupidity.
Where did that once smart guy go?
Honestly, I think this explains some of the foot dragging when it comes to complete honesty about their actions.
They are so embarrassed to have their fullfrontalstupidity on display for the ONE woman (their wife) who they MOST desire to impress .
Our men come to realize that they need us to admire them, but they fear we cannot admire them because of what they have done.
Last edited by Pepperband; 03/15/10 03:56 PM.
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Did he give you any reasons why he told her that?
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distressed.
