He asked me to call the OM right after Dday when I was still living in fear. I was still in the fog and operating in panic mode. The thought of hearing the OM voice scared me.

I am planning on confronting everyone asap over the phone with my husband there though. Even if my husband still leaves me, it is the right thing to do. If can't reach the OMW by phone, I will send a letter. Does anyone have any ideas about what the letter should say?

Whether you talk to OMW by phone or letter, keep it simple and focused. I would apologize for your poor choices and hurtful behavior. Don't make excuses, or try to relate to her pain, etc. You were wrong to put yourself into her marriage period. You can offer to answere her questions if she has any but don't lose focus and try to make a martyr out of yourself. If OM should contact you after this, tell him to eff off and go NC. If BH is around you can tell OM that and then some and be done with it.

A thread about NC letters:
HERE

My husband left me tonight. He said that he just can't trust me. I know I failed to take advantage of some opportunities to come clean in the past. My life is over. I can't go on without him. Could someone please pray with me that God changes his mind? God can do that, can't he? I spite of my sin---God is bigger than my sin and my H's hurt, isn't he? I need lots of prayer--not just for my depression and for healing but for complete restoration of my marriage. It is all I want. Nothing else on earth matters to me. How can I get him back?

I will certainly pray for you!

How can he throw away 22 years of marriage and 3 kids? I know I failed but don't the first 21 years count for something? I don't care what I have to do--I want him home!

I called and left message confronting OM while making a video of it for my husband (speakerphone). Since he is gone, I wanted him to have evidence that I am still trying to make things right. I will confront the OMW tomorrow since it is late and there is a time difference. I will video this for evidence as well. I am also drafting a letter just in case I cannot reach them. What else do you think I should do? How can I convince my H that he can trust me--that I won't lie ever again and that he needs to come home?

Have you read the basic concepts here? You must.

And it was suggested that you write a letter with a certain type of contents. You didn't do it that way. For the program to work, you have to use the program. Which means to read and ask questions if you do not understand.

I am so very sorry, there is no reset button. It is going to take focus, knowledge and lots of work.

Larry

I sent original NC contact letter to the OM MONTHS ago. This has to do with the confrontation of the OM and OMW.

ok sorry, I did not read the entire thread. That said, please concentrate on the reading, it will help you. It never is over until it is over and that is not now.

Larry

Even though my husband left me? Can I still have hope that he will come back and not divorce me?

Perhaps, maybe, I don't know your husband and I don't know you.

Go read all you can under basic concepts. That will give you hope because there is a plan there and a method. I will not spoon feed it to you. Go read dear lady and make your luck.

And ok, you can have hope. Make that hope better by reading and learning.

Larry

Nows the time to get your BH to join up, read up here and then post on his on. Also agree to stay off of each other's posts.

Sick,

I know what you are going through right now. It is very very painful. I am a FWW and my husband left me too. However, I read, read, and read some more on this forum and the Harley writings. I made a comittment to follow the plan that I read about whether my H was on board or not. I knew it was my only hope. Making that comittment to do the right thing regardless of the outcome gave me a lot of peace. It can do the same for you. I also prayed and prayed and prayed (and still am praying today and everyday in the future). What am I praying for? Not just for my H to come back to me but first and foremost for him to be healed and for me to do everything (without failing and without focusing on my pain) for HIM to be healed. No matter what else has happened in the past, I HURT HIM in UNIMAGINEABLE ways by my poor choices and conduct. I know that without God's healing touch combined with my correct actions, nothing can be saved. I am cautiously optimistic because . . . my H came back. We are working everyday to build a better M than ever using O&H, POJA, meeting EN's (basically following the MB plan). Why do I say I am cautiously optimistic? I could be saying "Yay! I got what I wanted! My H came back!" but I am not saying that. I am so excited that he came back and gave me another chance. But the real victory will be full recovery of the M and most importantly, his broken heart. This doesn't happen overnight. It will take years. But he, I, and our kids deserve the hard work that I will do to continue recovery.

As Larry said earlier, it isn't over until it is over which is not now. Another forum member said to me . . . time & patience. Repeat this over and over to yourself. Resolve to do the work. Pray for healing for your H. God delivers miracles but he expects you to help!!!!!

Re-read your posts, slowly. See how they are all about you, your hurt, and what you want? Yes you mention your husband's hurt but nothing really about how you want him to heal, or to be happy. It's all about your pain and what you want. This is a self centered mindset that most wayward people have. Think about that. Rather than wanting to help him heal and help him be healthy, no matter the cost to you, you are wallowing in your own selfish pain.

Try instead to focus on improving yourself (not getting what you want) and helping him to heal, whether it be with you or without you. That is love.

You can't. You can't convince another person of anything. You can't manipulate him into coming home. Given the circumstances, he's doing the only sane thing possible. Protecting himself from further intolerable pain.

What you CAN do is work on becoming a person of integrity, in every aspect of your life. Clean up your own house, so to speak, and if he's around later, and notices. great. If not, you've learned what you need to learn and you can be a better person as a result.

Focus on his healing and your integrity.
Forget about your own pain for a while.
Own your pain, and work to FIX what caused it rather than crying for it to magically go away.

I don't mean to sound harsh. I know I must, because I know you hurt. You're in a sucky position and this is the only way forward. You have to work on yourself. Not to "prove" something to your H, or convince him, or make him come home. But because it's the right thing to do, regardless of what BH does.

Worth repeating

in big letters:



In big red letters.

Well, I finally accomplished all the confrontations. The OMW I had to end up doing by registered letter. I call both OM and confronted them. The PA guy threatened me with harassment if I contacted his wife and since he is a police officer I kind of believed him about that. I did give it to him with both barrels and found out how much of a jerk he really is. I was so stupid for not confronting him with my H a year ago. That stupid fog. I have really discovered that it doesn't matter what your spouse has done, they don't deserve your betrayal. Even if they have abused you, they don't deserve to be hurt that way. Even if they have cheated on you, revenge is not worth it. I wish I had not been so afraid and had just confronted my husband about his problems instead of having the affairs. Fear can really be a controlling spirit and can rob more than you think. I refuse to live in fear anymore.

Anyway, I have done everything asked of me. I have confronted everything and confessed everything including stuff before we got married even as far back as high school. He has also come clean on a lot of things. He still says that it is too late and he can't trust me anymore. He is already making his future plans. He says that if I don't sign the D papers when he presents them without question, he will drag the kids through court and make them and me miserable. I'm torn because I don't want a divorce but I don't want my kids to suffer any more than they already will. I'm still holding onto hope that he will change his mind and come back to us.

He did finally admit last night that he should have done things differently as well. If I had just know for the last 22 years that he really did love me, it never would have happened. Isn't it amazing that three little words can carry so much power. If more couples would just tell each other how much they really love each other instead of just criticizing and saying bad things, a lot more marriages would be saved. Parents, please teach your sons that it is ok to say "I love you." It doesn't mean they are weak. "Real" men aren't afraid to talk, trust and say "I love you."

I am going to continue to do my best to prove myself to my husband whether he is here or not. I believe that God is bigger than my sin and his stubbornness.

That's not true.

If he stuck with you for 22 years it is OBVIOUS that he loved you. There is no way you could have not known he loved you. You told yourself he didn't love you, to justify your feelings of entitlement.

If you had just had better boundaries, and talked to your husband about your feelings and needs, it never would have happened.

I think you are making good progress. Try your best to prove yourself **TO YOU**. Your husband will come along for the journey or not.