OK he has been home for a few months
But I find myself wanting to know what the OW looks like..
I have searched face book and the likes
can't find anything...
I know where she works .. VA hospital she is a nurse...I know what car she drives have the plate number... I know her address ... I don't know what hours she works... She isn't married...
Now if you were me what would you do to find out what she looks like??
Or would you even bother to find out...
I just have had this need to know... don't know why

I would find a place to park near her car where you can't be seen and would wait for her to come out.

That won't work
where she parks you have to have a pass to get into the garage..
And I don't know her hours when and what days she works...
I know a lot about her even her birthday the PI I had got all that for me...
But never got a pic of her
He even went by her house I did to just to see where she lived..
And I might add it is in a very bad part of town..
My PI told me not to go back there it was the kind of place they would
shot me to get my car...
He even said to me where is his head at...
He tried the work thing because he put GPS on his car for me...

Then park outside of the pass area.

Have you guys sent a NC letter?
I don't think you have any business stalking OW.

Have you asked your H what she looks like?

No there has been NC letter sent...
He has emailed her on and off just sent jokes..
So we had a go about it last weekend so far he hasn't sent any more I am keeping check...
He doesn't see her at all this I know...
he changed jobs... a few months ago..
he has been back home for 9 months
he was gone for 3 months...
I am new to this site I just got the book surviving the affair .
I can tell you thins NO matter what I said he would NOT send a NC letter...
He is retired Army Officer...and has this thing about not being told what to do...

You will find a part in Surviving An Affair about
the Policy of Joint Agreement. It is a critical part of recovering a marriage apparently.

Here is the website description

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html

And, really, as a retired army officer, he has to stop using that as a bargaining chip in marriage or life. Yes, no one wants demands made of them (again a MB concept of demands being a lovebuster) but negotiation is good for a marriage.

My dad was a navy officer who had to get up at 6am for 30 years and now rebels by sleeping til noon but my mom doesn't care, it is a negotiated part of their life.

YK?

I truly understand how you feel. After close to 2 yrs of really wanting to know what OW looked like, I found her on FB. I can tell you it did nothing good. It just made me angry. Pls DO NOT go wait outside her work. She is not worth all that effort.

I could tell you right now what she looks like since all A's are downgrades. She is plain, and takes poor care of herself. You will question your WH tastes and say what the hell was he thinking? Just remember he is not thinking.

It will do nothing to make you feel better, it only gives you a face to imagine your H with, and dwelling on that will only make things worse. There is no need to do it.

On the otherhand snooping for evidence and seeing if they are still in contact is very important. how else do you keep tabs on WH?

And if you look closely most have cloved hooves in those fancy high heels and have tail hidden under their clothes.

I do believe you have a point Wheels ...

having a face to put with him just might make it worse...
I watch email ...

as he has emailed her jokes after being back here and I have said NO contact...
He tells me he doesn't talk to her at all..
No phone calls or love letters in email...
I have to say the jokes I have seen him send to her he has said nothing to her just passed them on to her...
But have seen some that have sexual overtones that he has not sent on to me just to her..
Why do you think he does this...
He is here acting like he is trying to keep me happy and gets upset if he even thinks I am upset about something...
If that is so why would he email her jokes??
I don't get it...

My problem being I can NOT let him know I know about this...
I talked to him last Friday told him I have said NO contact and if he did that I don't care how little it might be that would be so disrespectful to me ... ANd I will not have it...
He has not sent her any more since I talked to him about contact...

Okay, so he hasn't been in contact with her since you asked him to stop. I'm not sure what kind of advice you're looking for?

I am, not sure what to do if I see he keeps sending her jokes..
I had asked for no contact in the past and he still sent her jokes after I said no contact...
My problem being I can't let him know I know about it...
If he does it again...
So what do I do ???
I don't want to give myself away here... On how I am finding out...

Pack his bags and leave them at the door. Tell him that you have proof that he has continued contact with OW. If he wants to stay M to you, he must follow several nonnegotiable rules/boundaries. One is complete transparency with his internet usage. You will be allowed a keylogger on your home computers and his password on his work email so that you can monitor compliance. GPS if you think it is necessary. If he doesn't comply, Plan B.

The dilly dallying is driving you nuts. Stick up for yourself and your M.

ITA. Your posts so far sound very reluctant, very hesitant to stand up for yourself. Honestly, you sound like a doormat to me. Use your spine, woman!

ImStaying wins!
Has he agreed to the NO CONTACT?
Has he agreed to fixing the marriage?
Has he agreed to follow MD guidelines?
Has he agreed to the boundaries that you set for yourself, and that you will not compy with having another person in your marriage?

Let him know that you will act on your boundaries to protect yourself from further harm, even if there are consequences that affect him. I wouldnt threat, but I would act on what I defined as my boundaries. Let him know you mean business. No demands, or ultimatums, just protect yourself from further damage.

You can't fix half a marriage.

No need for GPS
I have done that in the past
He is here all the time I know he isn't seeing her
and now that he changed jobs
I don't have that to worry about..

I have been reading all here but I still don't get this part,

Why would a guy come back home say he loves me
wants this to work
he seems to try in many ways and in may ways he doesn't.
The closeness part he is really lacking in.
I have talked to him about it but really doesn't seem to change anything..
He doesn't like to see me get upset he does things to try and make sure I don't.
up front...
but then behind my back he sends her jokes...
I don't get it at all
am I that nieve ??
why bother to come back here at all if he had planed on staying in touch with the OW...
He doesn't see her or spend time with her this I know for a fact.
Can there relationship such as it is or seems to be to me..
hold together for long like this ??
wouldn't the OW be upset that he came back here after moving out and being with her ??
And would she want to settle for an email here and there ??
I know I wouldn't..
Right now I am doing plan A
giving it all I have here
I want this to work more then anything...
at what cost I am not sure...

Can anyone here answer some of my questions on the OW ????

Sunshine, there are many potential answers. None of them are very good for your M and you. Here are a few:

1. He knows you have his personal email password, and told her not to email to him. He thinks this gets you off their scent. Instead, they use work email.

2. He is just using the emails to keep the "door open" with her. Why do any of the heavy lifting in your M when he has her waiting in the wings?

3. They have an "agreement" to hook up again at a later date.

4. He is cake eating. He gets some EN's filled by you and some by OW. He knows that you will not stick up for yourself, so why leave?

5. He just doesn't get it. He doesn't understand NC, doesn't understand how to protect a M, and doesn't protect you.

Look, sunshine. Here's what you're saying you've got: a man who is home with YOU, staying with YOU, hasn't contacted the OW, you know he isn't seeing her, he changed jobs so he no longer works with her.

You said:
"why bother to come back here at all if he had planed on staying in touch with the OW..."

And then in the same breath you also say:
"He doesn't see her or spend time with her this I know for a fact."

And then:
"I have talked to him about it but really doesn't seem to change anything.."

But you backed it up with:
"He doesn't like to see me get upset he does things to try and make sure I don't."

You're contradicting yourself all over the place, here! If you are this wishy-washy with your SO there's no wonder he's at a loss as to what to do.

And as far as the OW goes - forget about her! What she is thinking or feeling should be of no concern to you.

I am sorry I sound all over the place maybe I am not making it clear here..
He moved out for 3 months..
when I found out about OW
we talked I said NO contact if he was to move back here...
And he has sent email to her just JOKES not talking
and yes they could be emailing from work...
And being it is a GOV job and GOV email
I won't even go there trying to get into that email..
I am not into the Fed pen...
Not worth that to me...
I seen the jokes he sent her..
Yes he doesn't know I know that..
I have brought it up by talking about how I feel and being how things are here that I feel there is still contact...
to which he swears there is not...
I consider the sending of jokes as contact...
I will not let him know what I know at this point being I have been working on plan A...
there are things he does to try and keep my happy like calling on his lunch break...
helping around the house...
calling to let me know if he is running late from work due to traffic...
He seems to get upset if I get upset about anything..
But that has NOT stopped him from sending her jokes in email...
I guess what I have been looking for is what do I do next...
Do I keep on with plan A for awhile and see what happens...
being I have a 5 year old here that would be a mess if I put him out of here...
I am willing to keep on with plan A for awhile...
Yes I said he doesn't see her I know this because he is always here...
I can account for his time...

I am sorry if I am sounding all over the place here...
I hope this helps to make it clearer...
I am confused as what would be the best thing for me to do...