My husband of 2 years was very sexually abusive, controlling, and demanding when we first got married. We had both been through 3 previous marriages, so rather than make this number 4, he became very open to counseling. We have been through the 8-week marriage builders course (and lots of other counseling) and he has made astounding changes. However, I just can't get the flame to relight. He follows me like a puppy, waiting for me to take the lead on anything. His primary need is admiration, but he doesn't really do much that means a lot to me. He doesn't yell so much now, or at least backs off quickly when I point out where he is headed, but he doesn't really talk to me either except for superficial topics. I think he has just stifled his talking so he doesn't say something he'll regret. He used to escalate quickly and to tell me to leave and declare the marriage was over when we had the smallest disagreements. We do all of our recreational activities together, but he is very offended if I happen to know more than he does about something. The worst thing is that he is not very honest about small things and I don't feel like he is a completely trustworthy person at the foundational level. When I bring up a problem to discuss, he will completely "rewrite" what he said in the past, making himself look better. If backed into a corner, he will rewrite history again and again, changing what he supposedly said or what he "meant to say." If he concedes, he changes the subject to MY behavior and declares how we are both the same and both need to work on whatever. I don't really think he has the capacity to be completely honest. But this affects our sexual relationship drastically. There is no doubt he is trying hard, but I just can't relate to him sexually or fulfill his need for admiration. Can you think of anaything that would help?

cf, did you go through the MArriage Builders weekend course? If so, you can post this question to Dr Harley on the weekend board.

His lack of honesty sounds like it is a huge lovebuster, but if you might be feeding it if you present the problem in way that makes him defensive or attacked. Have you taken a real good look at the description of Disrespectful Judgements to make sure you are not unknowingly lovebusting HIM?

People who have Admiration as a top need HATE being criticized, so I would go read the description of Admiration too.

We didn't go through the weekend course. Our church offered the course for 8 weeks.

I'm sure I am lovebusting him sometimes, but he says he has no major complaints. However, there doesn't seem to be an acceptable way to confront him when he is doing my lovebusters. I try being nice, thinking of phrases to cue him, setting a time to talk, etc. If his habits make me distrust him, but he doesn't know when he does them (according to him), but he doesn't want me to tell him because it is criticizing him, how do you solve it??

Unfortunately, some of the traits I thought I saw seem to have evaporated. And the major abusiveness shook me when I realized I had married someone I didn't really know all that well (dated 6 months). He now has some very good traits, but they are just not the ones I would have married someone for. I really miss having a best friend to talk to, and I don't really have anyone to talk to now.

List 18 anyway.


You married for the 4th time after dating 6 months?
Why did you do this?



List them.


List his good traits.

1st husband - nothing wrong with him. Married at 19 yrs. old on the rebound from breaking up with highschool sweetheart. Not a good sexual relationship, however. Divorced after 7 yrs. because "I just didn't love him" and I was not very smart.
2nd husband - Married the first person who cared after I was divorced because he was different than 1st husband. However, he had been in prison for a sex offense and was 10 yrs older. I think I was reassuring myself I was sexually attractive because sex was certainly the one thing he knew. Divorced after 6 months when he started to beat up on me.
3rd husband - Lied to me about work history and past before marriage. Could not hold a job. Would not talk. Had no respect for women. Very anti-social with few interpersonal skills. Left to keep from going into debt he was accumulating and because of his drinking.

All our children are grown and gone. We were not married when we met. I had been on my own for 12 years - he for about 5 or 6 years. Neither of us were even dating.

1. Nice looking; 2. Intelligent but not stuffy; 3. Excellent provider; 4. Loves me and is willing to cooperate (but doesn't seem to have the skills to follow through sometimes) 5. Likes to do things with me and will "follow me anywhere"; 6. Christian; 7. Understanding. Realizes he was at fault for the sex abuse and is now being patient when I'm not as emotionally involved in the sex as he is; 8. Down to earth; 9. Goes out of his way to do nice things (flowers, etc.); ... That's all I can think of right now.

You were not very smart about .....? What?
Marriage skills? What?






What, if anything, did you learn ABOUT YOURSELF from this situation?


Same question.
WHAT do you know about yourself and how you make dating/marriage choices?



What do your adult children think of their Mom being married 4 times?

What do YOU think about your past and previous choices?

Are you using the MB skills you learned at the church Marriage classes?
Are you asking for marriage HELP from the church leaders?