Can someone please remind me that the wayward spouse will, at some point, have some sort of consequence for their betrayal? Right now it only feels like my kids and I are the only ones paying the price for WH betrayal and abandonment.

It's been about 6 weeks since D-Day (and moving out) and I am still desperately trying to find out who OW is in order to expose. This has been the most torturous thing of all, the not knowing and not being able to do the very thing I know is the most powerful step to take in ending the affair (exposure).

So while I have this tremendous sense of urgency, I feel like WH is out living it up with his new girlfriend and bachelor lifestyle free of all the stress and burden of everything.

Is it wrong that I want to know it will get easier for me, and harder for him, at some point in this mess?

Sorry that you find yourself in this place.

You still do not know who OW is? Have you checked cell phone bills, credit card statements, checked with friends or coworkers of WH's? Start doing some snooping. Hire a PI if you have to.

I do not know what may happen with your WH's new relationship but, you need to get to the root of what is truly going on.
What have you done to try to find out who OW is?

WH removed all sources of snooping before he left...he took bills, changed passwords, changed accounts, changed mailing address for bills and even destroyed our computer. Unfortunately, he's familiar with MB (even mentioned MB on D-Day, before I even realized it was D-Day) so he has gone DEEP underground.

Just wondering, what is the average time it usually takes PI's to find their proof once they're hired?

Consequences;

It WILL devestate him at some point!

In the long run, he will loose his influence with his children as well...... he will have no idea how it all happened, and will likely blame you for the lose of this influence with his children. Everything will slip through his fingers and he will either become sweetly broken or entrenched in his pride.

All of the accounts I've read here since arriving have reported positive results within three days.

Thank you. I guess I know in my heart it's inevitable that this affair just won't 'work' for him in the long run...but it sure is helpful to be reminded.

Really, that's interesting. Thanks.

Get another P.I.

This one is useless.

Any time someone I hire starts making excuses I start looking for his/her replacement.

Read a few of your old posts/threads and it may be more difficult to catch because your husband could be having an affair with a man.

Considering the lengths he went to to keep you uninformed (absconding all records & destroying computers) and your BW experience with your first husband...seems quite possible.

Regardless...IMO, such drastic actions were more likely undertaken to protect his most likely married partner, be it a he or a she. Protecting their affair partner is the only thing that could motivate them to go to such extremes as generally, waywards are lazy and fixated with their cell phone and computer.

Mr. Wondering

Just saw that your husband is a family and marriage therapist????

His career depends on you not discovering his secret. Which means he is likely reading your posts here to.

It's either:

1. An affair with a client (married)
2. Affair with a coworker (married)
3. a homosexual affair

His job and license may be at stake depending on the state. Don't disclose anything you PLAN on doing here.

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - I notice you two have a six year old child also...so it's possible he's just having a run of the mill affair having seen the ramnifications of affairs on divorce/custody proceedings and/or is actually thinking about his child and you but I doubt it. Waywards are only focused on themselves and their addiction. The drastic actions he's taking are to protect his OW (or his OM).

Mr. W....that's interesting. And it's not the first time someone has mentioned the possibility of OW actually being OM.

Either way, I am determined to find out the truth. I am losing my love and respect for my WH by the day, but I feel I must know the truth to be able to make the best decision and then be able to move on and restore my life and my sanity!

Sidney:

Hard row Sidney, I feel for you.

Larry

Thanks, Larry...I appreciate it.

I have seen posts on MB used against someone in a court of law. Ask Mr. & Mrs. W. they know. And they have their email listed for that reason, among other things, as do I. I am still heartsore about that deal.

Larry

Sidney...

I finished reading your January thread and see some of the same speculation by others.

Sounds like you are completely stabbing in the dark.

Well, as a lawyer myself, I strongly encourage you to fully utilize the discovery process. Your husband may be an excellant witness but as a experienced witness he'll have a lot at stake if he gets up on the stand and LIES.

If I were you I'd keep snooping and investigating him like crazy. I'd be sending him Interrogatories, Admissions, and notices of depositions. Your witness list should include EVERYONE he works with and EVERYONE he's counselled even ministers/clergy at the "Christian" employer.

Your interrogatories should be requesting copies of all his bills (credit card and telephone). They are readily available and RELEVANT to the financial disposition of the marital assets. Even though...in no-fault states...adultery is irrelevant...it CAN be relevant if your husband's spending was in furtherance of an affair.

Whatever you do...make it very clear that you will NEVER settle the divorce case prior to the taking of depositions. You WILL depose him. You (and your daughter) deserve the DOCUMENTED truths about your lives...end of story and if you fail to depose you (and your daughter) will never KNOW the truth...because he'll be free to distort/rewrite it.

Sure, he can choose to lie in the deposition but hopefully, by then, you'll have some juicy bits and pieces of factual information that you've kept completely secret with your attorney and you can bust him lying under oath. Remember, lying is really risky for him. It will screw up his job as a Marriage and Family Therapist at a Christian Center as well as an expert witness. Expert witnesses with perjury charges have short careers.

Basically...you make the divorce case so large and encompassing that HE will HAVE to come to you with the truth since he'll realize that is:

1. The only way to finish/settle the divorce
2. his only option
3. Inevitable
4. to save money

But don't buy any story without a deposition.

Mr. Wondering

Some states which are overtly No Fault, can also be Fault states under the right circumstances, like Texas.

Larry

Nicely done Mr.W.

Larry

Mr. W, that is invaluable information. I'm taking notes of your post and I plan to communicate this with my lawyer, believe me.

Deposition is the way to go, I see. Thank you so much for getting the fact that I (and my daughter) DO deserve to know the truth about our lives. So many of my friends and relatives don't get this and think I should just be able to write him off as a jerk and move on. Perhaps at some point, but not without the truth first.

I appreciate all of your input so much.

TO THE WOMAN WHO ASKED WILL THE WAYWARD SPOUSE EVER SUFFER

I am farely new to this site; several weeks in. I have been posting in this thread and "children born out of affair" paraphrased; concerning my own difficulties. I have not posted in several days because I need a break from my own mess. But I do want to say my h and I have been going over the material from MB, and he is very receptive to it.

To the spouse who is wondering will the day ever come when the wayward spouse pays for their actions. I would like to share a true story. But, first let me say that it's our human nature to want the person who has caused us such great pain to suffer as well. But I am not saying that is the right thing to want.

When I was growing up there was this very nice lady who had 4 children to her husband. WE all lived in a very small close knit community. Another woman that lived several doors down from our house began having an affair with her husband. He left his wife and moved in with her.

Her children went to the same school with his chldren. They began having chldren together. The first one they had was a beautiful little girl. I can remember how beautiful she was. All the kids in the neighborhood used to say she looked like an angel. At the age of 7 months she got pneumonia and died. Over the years they had 3 more children together. During this time his wife remained a sweet loving person. She treated this other woman with kindness. The other woman treated her very nasty. She used to see her walking in the neighborhood and for no apparant reason she would begin calling her names and taunting her. Saying things like "you can't keep your husband" But yet she never responded with anything negative.

The oldest child was in a car accident that left him in a coma for months. He wasn't expected to live, but he did. The accident forever changed his life. He had to learn to do everything over again. A year after his recovery he jumped off the bridge and committed suicide.

Shortly after the death of her son, the man was diagnosed with heart disease and cancer. His mistress didn't want to take care of him, so he moved back with his wife. She nursed him until he died. Which was about 6 months after he moved back.

Shortly after his death, the 3rd child was playing football for the high school team and collapsed on the field and died. He had just received a full athletic scholarship and this was the last game of the high school season. The autopsy showed that he had heart disease.

The last 2 of their children were diagnosed with heart disease. The 2nd child was dating my neice and she became pregnant with his child. They traveled from one state to another to visit me; against his doctors orders. They spent several days visiting me. The day they returned home he was wrestling with his younger brother collapsed and died.

THe last child committed suicied in a hotel room. The mother lived to see all of her children, to this man that wasn't hers, die an untimely death. Shortly after the last child committed suicide, she went mentally insane and was committed to an institution. She was released, but her life was never the same. She never fully recovered and died a lonely mentally disturbed woman.

I cannot say the reason for her tragedy was because of the affair she had. But in my mind, I think this was the consequences suffered as a result of the way she treated the OW, who throughout the whole ordeal treated her with kindness(that she really didn't deserve).