Just adding an entry to my little journal here:

I have actually had a couple of brief co-parenting type chats with exH. He has expressed concern regarding the poor quality of the relationship he has with his children. Fainting emoticon needed here.

I kept my input brief as I have learned you cannot teach a waynerd. But, I did let the kids know that Dad had his ears open if they wanted to talk. Things have been better on that front, the kids don't look for excuses not to go. That is good.

He did say something interesting at one point. He told me "Do you know how many girlfriends I have given up for my kids?". This begged the question, during the marriage or after the marriage, but I didn't go there.

So, it is my feeling that exH has comforted himself by believing he gave up OW for his children and therefore it is all good. He sacrificed the love of his life for his children so his karma is clean.

This does not affect me emotionally, just a passing nod to the justification that people use to help them sleep at night. I am learning to recognize it in myself much better. Awareness of my own rationalization and justification is sad but it is growth and growth is good.

Waynerd sister still has me in her discard pile, which still hurts. But I try not to take it personally since with a waynerd, it is always about them. People still lie to me and cover up crappy things that sister is doing. My mom lies and is trying to maintain my love for my sister by covering up sister's crap. It is interesting, I hope I can learn what I am supposed to from this.

Medical treatment moving along, still rocking the bald thing. Kids are doing very well with all this and said that the whole cancer thing doesn't suck as bad as they thought it would. This makes me feel good that I am able to protect some of their childhood from this.

(cue violins)

Jean, you are an inspiration to us all....

Gee, so sorry that your X had to give up so many girlfriends for his kids. It's a shame some people have such rough lives.....

Thanks Pepper and Chai, I appreciate your support.

Interesting thing happened last night, I am ashamed of my thoughts and trying to unfertilize yucky seeds I planted in my head.

My youngest DD was telling me of some health issues that ex's GF is having. They sound serious but treatable and I am genuinely sorry that she is dealing with this. I am also sorry that my kids are dealing with sick females at both homes.

However, my nasty confession is I momentarily was pleased that Ex is having to act as a caretaker. When I was diagnosed, I felt confident that Ex was ecstatic that he had dodged a bullet by leaving me pre-cancer. Caretaking is not his strong suit (I realize this is a DJ and I will work on that).

This 5 minute thought process made me feel very yucky, dirty, guilty... I googled how to undo bad karma, I prayed for forgiveness for my bad thoughts. Not that I was glad that GF is ill, I honestly hate that for this woman I don't know. But that I was pleased that Ex is having to take care of someone. I felt the need to purge that seed that I had planted in my head.

After a bit, I realized that I honestly do not wish Ex or Sister bad, not heartache, no pain, no ill will. I honestly have love for them both of them and do wish them well on their journey to being who they are supposed to be. I think I am finally letting go of my desire to see them be who I think they should be.

I feel it is wrong of me to take any pleasure out of what I perceive to be the karma bus. I am not the driver and I don't even want the traffic reports anymore. I pray that the karma bus doesn't pick me up, I pray for mercy and that I don't get what I deserve.

Jeanie, you are allowed to DJ your X husband as much as you like ... because you are not trying to stay in love with him !!!! ...

Thanks for permission Pep and I do respect your opinion

But

I need to let my DJ's go. Who the heck am I to make any DJ's or any J's at all.

I completely understand.

...... Girl, ya crack me UP!!!!!.....

Doesn't this self-soul-searching sometimes suck???..... Jean, your my HERO baby.....

Not2fun

Four more weeks of chemo, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Unfortunately, the light is coming from the radiation table LOL. I have mouse looking hair on my head, weird fuzzy stuff. I went bald most of the time, except around exH and my Mom. My Mom didn't like seeing me bald, but she did OK with it when I stopped wearing a hat around her. BUT, exH was the last person to see me bald. I did keep my head covered around him until recently. My baldness is kinda intimate, he didn't rank up there with someone I would share that with. The check out girl at the grocery store could see me bald, but not him.

I don't know what that was about, in my head. But once the chemopause hot flashes started, I didn't care about how he would react to my baldness, I was just hotter than all get out and he would have to deal with it.

We can actually have a two minute conversation regarding the kids now. That is a major breakthrough! It only happens once a month or so, but this is a huge shift. I view him as a co-worker, we work at the same place "raising good kids, inc." I don't like all my coworkers, don't need to go out after work with them, but we still have a job to do.

Of course, I have no clue how he views me, but it is none of my business. My objective is to do my part in fostering the relationships my children have so if I kick the bucket, they have a strong support system.

Nothing happening on the waynerd sister front. We had an email exchange on day, but there is still a disgusting amount of foggy justification. So I stick that relationship on the back burner until something different happens.

What stinks is how cynical I get sometimes. I think about my "estate planning", (and I try not to giggle calling my meager assets an "estate"). When I try to decide on someone I trust fully to deal with my assets, I just don't trust people. They may be trustworthy now. I do have people that are trustworthy, now. BUT I know how adultery and addiction (drugs or alcohol) make people change.

Having seen it with myself and with almost everyone I know, it is hard to say someone can be in charge of my stuff when at the drop of a hat, or a skirt or a tequila bottle, people can turn on a dime.

That makes me very sad, and nervous. So the only think I know to do is have a list of people and specify that any two of them can agree on how to handle the stuff. Trying to hedge my bets that two people will not be in the midst of a midlife crisis, addiction or affair at the time of my demise.

That is all depressing, on the bright side, I have 1/4" of hair. The kids giggle when I get out the ruler. They are really doing great with all this. I think I am going to go skydiving when treatment is over and I get a clean scan.

Hope anyone that reads this has a wonderful day and has people in their life that they know "has their back".

A current thread has me very icky feeling. Testing panties, crotch sniffing, people coming home with body fluids of their OP smeared around as they then have dinner with their trusting spouse....vile, vile, vile.

I am guilty of this vile behavior, once when I was 18 and screwing two men (neither of whom I was married to, I was just a stupid horny teenager). Ick, ick, ick.

But my sister did it against her BH. I guess my exH did it, I did sniff one night while he was sleeping. But luckily it was only 24 hours from suspicion to confirmation, he was just stupid like that, luckily.

Dogs sniff each other. I don't want to be around people that should be sniffed.

And no disrepect to anyone in the BS sniffing stage, it just makes my stomach turn that people do that to each other.

Jean,

So glad to see you doing well. I am cheering for you and I know that you will do fine.

I am in the same sitch regarding the "estate" thing. I don't have much since the D, but I still have a life ins policy and my condo. My only real family is my older brother but he is terrible with money. And trust? I don't have it much anymore either for the same reasons that you stated. Before the A, I would have bet my life that my XWH was the most trusting and honorable person on earth. How quickly things do change.

Anyway, I know that you are going to beat this thing because of your wonderful attitude. Keep the faith Jean. You are a strong woman.

(((((((Jean)))))))