I know I sound like a broken record, but he is really being open with me and close to me. He is journaling a lot and really feels sorry and remorseful for what he did. We are making love again and we have not done that in a while. He is trying to find a new job. My question to all of you is after DD was your WS, being really emotionally available to you and making love and talking deeply and all of that? I just need to know, to help me in this. Please respond

You will never meet a more remorseful person than my H. After DDay we talked more than we have ever talked, and on a deeper emotional level than ever. We both recognized the terrible assault on our M and had to reconnect and rebuilld from the mess. That's another reason to listen to me: He could NOT end the A on his own! He admits it. He thanks God that the OWH finally exposed them.

Sending out resumes will not end the A. He needs to leave that job.

Oh YES! And it was all a sham. She was still seeing the OM. It is called cake eating. READ what is here to be learned.

It took a month to pry her loose. Then she went into a nosedive and it took even longer to bring her back out. Then things got better and we moved down the path.

Lisa, I will only tell you what you need to hear. You are afraid he will lose his job. Yea, probably. Better make plans on it.

I think it finally dawned on him that he would likely lose his job. That scares him.

Larry

Oh yes! It is the rule, rather than the exception. As you can see, it means nothing. Your H is going to be with his OW on Monday.

What does it mean to "talk deeply?" Do you mean in a deeper voice?

Lisa, has the OWH been informed of the affair?

Same with my H. I told him to go be with OW and kicked him out. He begged me to give the M another shot. He literally broke down and told me he didn't want OW, he wanted us. We had the same experience with closeness and SF as you are having now. That's why it was such a shock to me to find out he was lying about OW again.

Re the cake-eating, many WS do this, meaning they are getting some ENs met by OP and some met by their spouse.

Talking deeply means sharing our inner most thoughts and feelings. He has really been sharing with me emotionally. He is not the type to be able to lie well about his emotions, he has allways worn his heart on his sleeve.

Then how was it that he was able to deceive you about his adultery for so long?

After you have seen hundreds (thousands for some here) of adultery situations, you see the common factors that are part of all affairs. Your husband has nothing going on that is unique except in your mind because a) he is your husband and thus your mind is clouded and b) because you really don't understand the dynamics of an affair.

This is called BS fog. It too is common and the initials stand for betrayed spouse and something else which in polite society is referred to as bovine excrement. Did you look up "Gas lighting?"

Adulterers lie.
Adulterers cheat.
Adulterers are like hooked on drugs.
Adulterers will do whatever it takes to get their fix.

It is what it is and the only ones who are different are serial adulterers who can gas light with the best of them.

Those can't be fixed. The rest can using what is taught here by Dr. Harley and supported by the forum.

We will keep telling you what you need to know and NOT what you want to hear. Each way you go at this point has consequences, just like the consequences of your husband committing adultery.

You can go the route of "Hope," or you can go the route of acquired knowledge and the help of people who have seen it all including the consequences of the "Hope" approach.

Larry

But he told you he LOVES HER. Can you see that this is an untenable situation??

You'll truly be in a good place when OW is out of the picture. He is still in an A with her. They cannot continue to work together. Did you read my exposure post?? Your H is no different than any other wayward. Don't delude yourself by thinking that.
Counselling is pretty much worthless when a wayward is in an A. Worst-case scenario: the counselor helps your H decide to "chart his own destiny" or some other new-age tripe like
that, and it will validate the A.
We are giving you building blocks, Lisa. Your first block is to expose the A and separate the lovers. THEN you can start rebuilding your M.

ditto this then it took me a while to finally wake up and look into what WH was really doing while at work. He of course was chatting up with OW ALL day.

They ALL say this. The truth is that he will never get rid of her because it's such fun having his girlfriend around all day at work. He told you the above to get you off his back about it.

If he's really "strong enough", he will be strong enough to get rid of a skanky homewrecker who has made a boyfriend out of a married man and who cares nothing tormenting his wife and destroying his family.

Tell him to let you know when he's THAT strong.

Oh, yeah, I remember DH telling me that at one point he actually thought he could keep the A at the office as an 'office thing' and not let it interfere with his home life. Crazy waywards.

He has been having an affair. He is a liar. He is the type to lie. He has been lying to you, Lisa.

I should add to my original response: my H was the same way, and continues to be so even today, over a year after D-Day. BUT: By DDay exposure had ocurred and NC was in place. You are not in that place yet. R cannot begin until the A is OVER. That means NC. The co-working setup has got to end.

I remember something that my H said to me before exposure: he turned to me out of the blue and said "I want us to rededicate to our marriage." He seemed so sincere. And it was a little puzzling, since I wasn't aware our M was in a state of needing rededication. Of course, I wasn't aware at the time that he was up to his eyeballs in an A that he was starting to regret mightily, that the OWH was hounding them and he was starting to defog.

Lisa, if you want, give it another few days to allow the people to chime in who've successfully recovered their marriages despite their spouses' continuing to work with or otherwise have regular contact with their affair-partners. Maybe some of them exist.

You say your H tells you he thinks he's strong enough to keep it professional. One of the big things I learned about myself from my affair was that I wasn't as strong as I had liked to believe. I knew I was in an affair that was bad & headed worse, and I tried to break it off after about 5 weeks (when it was still mostly at the emotional level). The only times I had occasion to see the other person were on Sundays at church and on Thursdays at music rehearsal. You can dig up some of my older posts if you want to know how my resolve turned out. And I was a man who never wanted to leave my wife, either.

I found all the lying & deception incredibly stressful, but like your husband, and like maritalbliss' husband, and many others, I managed to do it anyways, because I was hooked on the attention, hooked on the compliments, hooked on the idea that a married woman was telling me I was the best thing going, and that she would go to such lengths as to live a double life just so she could spend time with me. And she spiked my punch further by telling me (probably mostly lies & distortions) about how badly her husband (allegedly) treated her, so that in part of my screwed-up mind at the time, I even half-convinced myself that by engaging in an affair with this woman, I was helping her through a rough time in her life -- like it was some sort of charitable work, as wacko as that sounds to me now. Such are the lies "good men" can tell ourselves when we're in the fog of self-centeredness.

The smart way to show strength in the face of temptation isn't to stick around in its vicinity. The strongest, and smartest, thing to do is to resolutely put one's self out of its path whenever it appears.

Do you really you trust your H to be strong enough now, after he's demonstrated that he wasn't strong enough before? I'm not saying it's impossible, but the odds are against it. More likely, you'll turn your stomach in knots, wondering what he's saying to her, or she to him, when they run into each other in the corridor, or when they're alone in some cubicle, or at the end of a day when the project team needs to work a little late. Can you take a few months of that? Think it through carefully.

HERE


How to Survive an Affair chapter in HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS
p. 177


Gloveoil, Surely, you JEST? I have been here for 9 years and have never met one. They are in the same place as the alcoholics who magically sobered up while continuing to drink. Also, Dr Harley has been specializing in adultery for 35 years and he states absolutely, that RECOVERY IS IMPOSSIBLE UNLESS ALL CONTACT ENDS.

I can, however, point to numerous affairs that continued for YEARS because the affairees continued to work together. We did have one member named �LOR� who used to claim her marriage was recovered while the affairees still worked together. At last count, she CAUGHT THEM TOGETHER 9 TIMES. I have not seen her back here in 5+ years, though. I can also point to betrayed spouses who had nervous breakdowns or HUNG THEMSELVES from living in such an abusive situation, where every day they wondered what the adulterers were doing at work.

What qualifies you to refute Dr Harley�s most ADAMANT requirement for recovery? Based on WHAT??

But if you know how to recover a marriage where the adulterers stay in contact, please fill us all in and maybe we can tell Dr Harley.

Until then, I will not tell Lisa what she wants to hear at the expense of her marriage. I will tell her WHAT I KNOW WORKS. Telling her what we know DOES NOT WORK is irresponsible and RECKLESS.

GO, I should also add that I know people who smoke cigarettes who did not get cancer. I know people who have played Russian Roulette who did not get a bullet in the brain. Does that mean it is smart to tell newcomers to smoke cigarettes or play RR? Of course it's not.

It is utterly irresponsible of you to imply to this newcomer that she can recover her marriage while her H sees his OW every day. She is desperately looking for a way to cut that corner and you have given her FALSE HOPE.

You have given her advice that is in DIRECT CONTRADICTION to what Dr Harley has advised for years and what we KNOW to work around this forum.

You have done this newcomer a terrible injustice and I would like to see on WHAT BASIS you contradict Dr Harley�s tried and true advice? Where is your evidence?

Mel,
I took it that GloveOil was telling her that very thing. That maybe somewhere in the universe was somebody who recovered their marriage while their spouse worked with the OP, but nobody here.

I took it that Gloveoil was saying:
Thats how I took it.