nsx, the first thing you can do is lose the loser the MC before he destroys your marriage completely. He doesn't have the slightest idea what he talking about and has used his "professional" cred to undermine your exposure to the OMW, something that is advocated by Dr. Harley, a clinical psychologist, who specializes in adultery.

Are you ready to get back on track here?

nsx, have you spoken to the OMW yourself? Or is this intel from your WIFE? I would suggest you call the OMW yourself and have a chat with her. It is possible they are lying about this but it won't hurt to find out on your own.

What your path should be is to proceed based on the TRUTH. The truth is that you KNOW they are having an affair. Finish your exposures and proceed on THAT BASIS. Your W and this idiot MC want you to act on the basis on their LIE, don't do that.

It is very difficult to get to OMW without him knowing I had to wait until I knew he was out of town. I will try. WW set another app. with MC I think I will refuse to go. I am very close to shuting down the whole marriage after 28 years. WW is not the same person anymore, OM trashed her mind with success books, self help books, codependency books and now in her mind she is better than everyone else. I am in the way of her success now but when I installed 3500 sq of flooring, Commercial kithen equipment, built countertops and cabinets because she asked me if I would help things were different. Now she throws me away because during that time I didn't satisfy all her emotional needs and caused her to have an A.

NSX, I'm extremely ill-equipped to help you, and fortunately you have Mel's attention - few would dispute she's one of the best.
But this moron MC is really pi$$ing me off; mostly b/c he sounds like the same one we had for 6 months. We're now about 4 weeks from divorce. I too got the third degree after exposure. It's infuriating to see you go through what I went through: you're extremely vulnerable having just done one of the hardest things in your life, and going through this awful episode with your ww (adultery has been likened to the death of a child, rape, etc); and then you have a "professional" chastizing you for doing everything you can to save your marraige.
I don't mean to rile you up - if you're in plan A you need to keep your cool. vvent here and let us take the brunt of your frustration, then go about fighting the war abainst adultery.

could you try to turn this around with "ww, we've tried this guy, now can we try some counseling with my guy? "(Steve (or Jennifer)

don't give up yet. don't.
opt

Maybe when WW gets home tonight @ 11:00 or later I don't need to be there.

Normally, moving out is the next step toward Divorce. Personally, I seldom suggest moving out. I bow to those with more experience in your situation. Your kids are mostly grown and are no longer at home.

Your counselor is a divorce counselor, not a marriage counselor. And he/she needs to be told that. LPC means nothing if they do not have the specialized training to handle a given situation. Marriage counseling is extremely lucrative and it attracts idiots who simply don't know what they are doing.

You got a turkey who is ENABLING your wife's path to destruction. I am obviously disgusted.

All the best.

Larry

Don't move out.

fire that incompetant mc

Well I did not leave however it was a cold night. WW got home at 11:15, said she had a very big day, got ready for bed and by 11:45 was asleap on sofa. We got up at 7:00am, I made coffee and she left for work @7:45. Just befoe leaving she told me that OMW wants WW out of business. She said that would probably take 6 Months. Then she said if she looses this business which has been her dream she sees little to no chance for us and at that time I would have to leave. I said what makes you think I am leaving? She said we will see. I asked her if she felt this was my fault and got no answere. I am not going to MC anymore she will probably go I don't know what to think about that but I have little control. She says she is willing to talk but I am not. She always attacks when I am at work,ready to go to work or she is leaving. She unloads when there is no time for discussion and lets it eat away at me all day while she is satified because she got the last word. I think she was trying to blackmail me into talking with OMW and maybe pushing for a change of heart. She has me so confused I do not know what to think or do.

nsx, STOP TRYING TO REASON WITH A FALLING DOWN DRUNK and get your focus back on YOUR PLAN. You have lost your way here because you are getting sidetracked by the fogbabble of a wayward who is high on her affair. Dont' pay any attention at all. You are going to LOSE your marriage if you don't stop it.

Her goal is to manipulate you into facilitating her affair. Don't do it. Continue to make her affair as difficult as possible by exposing the affair. That is the only hope you have to save your marriage. Get her out of that business. Stay in touch with the OMW and pressure her to get out. Put as much pressure as possible on the affair. Expose and make sure she knows everyone knows.


You had better be talking to her and telling her that �this marriage will not work as long as you are in touch with the OM. You must end all contact with him NOW and get out of that business.� That is the only talk you had be saying. Her �talk� is worthless unless it is an agreement to that demand.

From the new book by Dr. Harley Effective Marriage Counseling pg 94:


Nsx, you have to DEMAND she end her affair and end all contact with this OM. You can�t mess around with this. If the OMW can demand he cut her out of the business, why can�t YOU demand she end contact and sell the business? You should be talking to the OMW to make this happen!

Please get back on track here and stop listening to CRAP. She is a falling down drunk.

The truth is that there is little chance for you if she doesn't get out of that business. Your marriage is finished.

nsx, you have to stop avoiding conflict and sit her down and tell her the business has to go if she wants to remain married. You can't live with her continued contact with the OM. Your marriage will not make it that way, nsx, and you need to be right up front with her about that.


Does she know yet that she has been exposed?

And you did right in telling her you won't leave. I would let her know that if this doesn't end, she will be leaving when yo file for divorce on grounds of adutlery and haul the OM into court to testify under oath about his affair. Tell her you will work with the OMW.

Ask her if she needs you to get her some for sale signs, then change the subject.

NC.

Sell the business.

Don't let her run you scared.

How do you know when to give up???

Remember, there are only 2 types of affairs when considering this question � over AND repentant (need BOTH elements) & unrepentant (whether over or ongoing). "Over" means complete and perpetual NC. There is no such thing as repentant or over but "still in contact". ANY contact equals unrepentance and "not over".

The first is eminently salvageable. The second is completely unsalvageable. How much you are willing to endure and for how long you are willing to hope that the latter evolves into the former is what decides when your Plan A/B should become your Plan D.

Wrote her a note and took it to her at work. I gave it to her, turned around and left. I rehashed the A and defended my actions of exposing the truth. I finished with OM has two choices, he can work on saving his business and his marriage or OMW will destroy them both. I told her her choices loose the business and work on our marriage or loose them both. I finished with it's time to sober up the ball is in your court.

WW returned home and sat down to talk. I told her in the letterthat she needed to acknowledge the situation so we could go on. WW did not understand why I said she needed to acknowledge the situation. I told her that she needed to own up to the A and what she did and quit blameing others and looking for excuses. I told her I would not go to the MC again. I told her he was a devorce councerlor and our marriage was getting worse at 10 times the speed since we started. I did tell her I would be open to a real MC so now once again I ask what is the best way? I can't afford much @ this time but I will do what I have to. I am going to tell her she picked this MC it is my turn. In the letter I also told her that if this marriage comes to divorce I would file on grounds of adultry, and other man would be called to testify. I would then file against OM. She was upset that I would drag her in the mud. I told her I didn't she jumped in on her own free will.

Holy crap! Every time I think you have lost your way, you step up to the plate! Good job!

Now, just let her stew for a few days and be a BROKEN RECORD telling her this will go to divorce unless she ends all contact with the OM. If she doesn't wake up, then start thinking about ways to separate and go to plan B.

Don't worry about counseling until you get her out of there and away from the OM.

Has she been told that everyone knows about the affair? Does EVERYONE KNOW? Don't even worry if she is upset about your exposure. She is supposed to be upset about it and you cannot reason with a falling down drunk. So don't even try.

You are doing great! just stick to YOUR PLAN and get her out of there.

Awesome~! Keep the pedal to the metal, you're fighting for what's right.

opt

Yes everyone knows. At this point she explains it off as all me and there really is nothing to it. I am sure many believe her after all she worked for the church for 10 years and teaches adult Sunday School 3 times/month. That upsets me that she can do that and apparently not feel guilt or hypocrisy. She is smart enough to know if it goes to court her cover is blown, and I know that somewhere lost inside her she knows how wrong she is.There is a good woman under this or I would have thrown the towel.

nsx, I would call the pastor and ask him to speak to her. She should also not be teaching classes if she is a state of sin.

Wow, she is still teaching adult Sunday school? How did that happen? My ex and I were very active in our church, group leaders for young marrieds. I exposed his affair to our pastors and he was told not to return to church until he talked to the pastors.