It's been a few years now and I am divorced, and to be honest I really haven't gone on with life. I read here that woman leave men because of abandonment. In my case it was the opposite. She has not shown any loss for the loss of the relationship and had developed an intimate relationship with a woman, that one is over, but there is another one. I had become fatigued, and it seems she capitalized on it to go on with her life. Throughout the marriage I had to fight to feel like a man, so to speak. We had 8 kids, maybe that was a result of that in some way. Everything was wrong with me in every area. I think that was a way of building a case to go on. Looking back I can't feel my life was real, though I gave it everything I had and feel it was torn out from under me. Point I'm making, it's hard to feel like a man still if it didn't mean anything. I feel like a joke having 8 kids with someone that says i kept her pregnant.
I have dealt with the way that effects me. When it all added up and she was insulting me, projecting insult into the house for the kids to hear, I was being defamed to my kids, rejected, had no where to go, was exhausted from work and depression, mocked about sex...I crossed a line and shook her. I felt I had nothing to lose, and she was setting it up and I had the clear feeling I was throwing myself away, giving her what she wanted. And it was. She ran with that then. I have been suicidal at times as a result, the only thing that keeps me together is doing a lot of analysis that she projected this onto me, and that was my reaction point, I was aware of it and felt lost and betrayed and disassociated. I feared the lonliness that did come, and I still have a hard time with it. I was trapped in a life with this person and worked hard to deal with the lack of reciprocation over the years. This seems to be the opposite where the woman is upset that the man is not connected and starts the divorce. I have adjusted to the rejection by numbing myself, or it just happens, I feel disconnected. I have long periods of anxiety. I had a strong sense of being connected to my kids, and her by intent, what I felt was a decision to love no matter what, but sometimes the mental exercise of that is self delusion. It seems she came to directly challenge and even mock those intentions. When I showed concern for a daughter dating too soon or her seeming romantic realtionship with a woman she flipped, I was controlling. Years later I a sure it was legitimate concern.
Through the years when I was overwhelmed and she was indifferent, or even in the event where a customer had ripped me off and she picked their side without knowing details, and I'd confront it, and she'd mock me, etc...I would cross the line and there'd be a moment of physical abuse. I lived with that everyday and took it seriously, and it blinded me to the abuse coming from her, I took the full blame and became performance oriented. However she would later find ways to mock me, often with the kids present and at usually a time when I'm late on bills, being ripped off, and uncertain about what to do. She would withhold affection (not just sex, even simple acknowledgement) you could talk about the direction you thought you should go in, like making part of the house a business so we could move out of a bad part of town, and she wouldn't look up from eating. Or she'd talk about some other male, like a state police officer, and the good effect he had and interest in our son. Then she'd mock the time I was spending with my son as he was learning to help me in business.
I do not for a minute condone physical abuse, yet i was cornered constantly with invalidation and emasculation, a withdrawing of affection, and a projection onto me of negative qualities. In reality I was successful at what I was doing and growing.
I am left stunned, feeling I was vulnerable in an effort to have an interdependent relationship, instead she went on to have it with her woman friends, and I have been left supporting 2 households. I have recently gone to have support adjusted down as I am transitioning with my employment, and she had made it seem I am failing to my kids, recently I asked them to grab some clean clothes as I was short on time to wash clothes, she came out and mocked me saying I was a big boy and should be able to do this myself, in front of them. I don't respond. I need to build my sense of manhood and self worth I'm sure. I don't react, I take the abuse, in front of the kids or not. Some of my kids have gone through periods where they reflect her attitude, it take self control not to say anything and let it all come out in the wash (no pun intended) someday. You might be left thinking I'm this big woos, but I don't necessarily see myself that way. I do feel pulled down from a positive view of myself, and a realistic understanding of my circumstances, to where a "less than" image is projected on me. She becomes livid if my kids are excited to be with me, or feel good about my successes (I've become more and more successful as an artist, and even doubled my income at times). She seems mad about not having the financial support, but never one letter about ever being married in the first place. (lack of acknowledgement is abuse...)

HR, I'm sorry you're not doing any better.

I'd like to suggest that you look at your life with you ex from a different view. When I read your posts,the image that comes to mind is of two very different people who have some serious incompatibilities. Your ex is a lesbian for a start. Sometimes, when people see the world from different points of view, one may feel they are compatible when the other one doesn't. This can be because of different priorities. The problem with core incompatibility is that it erodes respect. For example, it's hard for a pro-life person to respect the views of a pro-abortion person. You pile on a bunch of other differences big and small, and suddenly you can't respect or admire the person who holds those beliefs and preferences.

Finally, I've always found it helps me when I really look at myself and own some of the problems. Take responsibility is empowering. It means you can change your behavior, and therefore your future. Stop saying even to yourself that your ex wife set you up to abuse her. Even if she had, you had a choice. And then, forgive yourself and move on.

Second, stop seeing every little snarky comment as abuse. Your wief shouldn't make negative comments about you or to you in front of the kids. But, she doesn't see eye-to-eye with you about anything and that includes the kids. So, you have to expect some tossles, and yes, she's going to say some hurtful things sometimes, or use a nasty tone. Call her a "D" and hang up on her. Or just say "Call me back when you can discuss this in a business-like manner," and hang up.

Finally, lack of acknowledgement about having been married is not abuse. Heck, if she never speaks to you again, it wouldn't be abuse. Sounds like it may be a step up.

What are you going to do differently to make sure this pattern doesn't repeat itself?

Thanks, you're still here. You are a kind person, I've come to realize how significant, and rare true human kindness is. Like a perfect day with a blue sky and a soft breeze with sweet aromas that somehow form on a planet hurling through space in an otherwise desolate universe, it's a miracle of thought, emotion,experience and self determination (will) mixing together and then expressing itself by bending and adapting in a way someone else is likely to understand.
I suppose I'll use the same will to take me someplace else, with the capacity for emotion and thought and self determination, and hope it all adds up to a kind and fulfilled life.
I'll be ok, and hope (and expect) you are or will be also. Appreciate your posts on perfected love in eternity. I was reading CS Lewis lately, his writings on losing his wife were very similar. Count the blessings also. Kids are excelling. Who knows, might stop waking up alone someday.
Thanks again.