Tom,

I think a few more people might have a go at reading your posts if you broke them up into 2-3 line paragraphs.

Double-space between paragraphs.

SugarCane,
Hi and you are so right. You hit on the #1 thing that I have been chided and critizised for by not only my wife but by colleagues and friends...being too detailed.

The first time I posted on the Online AA site that I joined back in 1995 I wrote my story from about 11pm until 6am the following morning and ended up with an 8 page story. I am still a member of that group.

I usually have been replying to the last member here who has posted me.

I just briefly wanted to relate something. I do believe in miracles very much. I bike alot since I can't drive at night. There are alot of bike paths here. Yesterday, which was fairly nice here weather-wise I biked to the grocery store. Almost there and a car pulled up and someone called my name. It is a very close friend of mine who I had lost contact with. Long and short is that we worked together and had been friends for about ten years, when the company was bought out and the headquarters moved to St.louis. He accepted going there I declined. Over the years we lost contact. We talked for a long while in the parking lot. Gave him my cell phone...he does not usually use on. He called me today to get together for breakfast on Friday. He just recently returned to the area..next suburb over..cause another company bought out his company and his job was eliminated. We have a lot more catching up to do but sad thing...and he is very catholic like I am..he and his wife are separated now.

TO me this is a miracle and during Lent now it makes me feel just so how God..or your higher power..just seems to intervene when you need another person in your life!

How was that..*s*...I am not sure I can get any more abbreviated right now.
Thanks

Tom, I never mentioned abbreviating your posts. The only thing I asked for was very short paragraphs!

I would be the biggest hypocrite ever to tell people to make short posts. Have a look at my first one ever. Click on my name, go to "view posts", make yourself dinner and sit down for an hour or two to read it.

I think it was a clear post because it had short paragraphs. MelodyLane begs to differ but she has a short attention span and a "3 paragraph" rule. She's just odd.

You can write a post as long and detailed as you like, if you break it into SHORT PARAGRAPHS.

Hi
Okay now am ready to admit rest of what happened.
But before I do, I just want to relate that we have two cats, and the younger one..Mitzie...and i suggested this name to my wife 15 months ago when we still lived together, and she agreed because it is the name of Mitzi Gaynor, her favorite dancer years ago. Anyway Mitzie is now on my desk loving her back and butt petted, and she is so loved more than anyohe except god could imagine. Then she gets excited and like snowborads off the walls and runs and scampers. I am telling you this because my wife taught me how to love animals and there is no animal that is going without love and care from now on ..at least ours, and if I could fund an animal shelter in my wife's name I would! I need to do a separate post ast to an update with me and I will except that Mitzie has me laughing now with her antics on my deck here.

Tom, your wife was a dancer. Are there any inexpensive matinee performances in your area? I bet she would love going to a ballet or modern or jazz dance performance. Or a muscial.

She must have been very good.

And you might want to think outside the box on how you can make your wife's stay at the home more tolerable. I'm certainly not an expert, but when my mother-in-law had to go to a nursing home (broken hip), I learned a lot. She HATED the place, and it wasn't a very good place.

However, I visited her as often as possible with my 2 babies in tow. I brought her a CD player and music. Often I'd bring food - homemade sandwiches and potato salad, burgers from a fast food joint, chinese food, etc. We would all eat together out on the patio.

I also talked to the activity director and volunteered to pick up things from garage sales for prizes for Bingo. The folks there loved those.

My point is that your wife is in less than an ideal situation, but hope you and your family will pull together and do what you can.

Tom,
believer's right on every point. As I said I have a lot of experience with those types of facilities. I was a department director for years at a couple in my area.

You and your family can do a lot of positive things to make sure your wife gets the best treatment. Even preferential if you do it right. Here are some tips.
Voice your grievances openly to the adminsitration in writing. Check in later to see what has been done about it (it seems like you've done this). You don't have to be mean, just let them know you won't tolerate anything but the best for your wife. They're getting plenty of money from the state for their trouble. On that note, don't be afraid to notify the state if you see something you don't like. Let the administration know in writing that you will contact them if you see another incident.

Bribe: bring cookies, candy, and fruit to the nursing staff. Nurses are busy so it might not make much of a difference, but it sure don't hurt.
Throw the CNA's a couple of bucks on the sly. They're not supposed to take it, but if 5 clams looks like a lot on their salaries. It says "I know you work hard for my wife and I also know you have to work two jobs to support your family." If your not comfortable with cash, a gift certificate (like to McD's) is easier to get away with.

Reinforce the positive: Send notes to the administration every time you see something you like. "that Peggy takes such good care of my wife, she adores her." "Please send my thanks to the cafeteria staff for making sure my wife got extra ______, it really made her happy that day."

See if you can get her involved with the rehab program. It's the cash cow of these facilities and it will get her out and doing things; plus some strengthening never hurts. Point out that you intend for her to go home again someday (even if you think it's unlikely); so she'll need some re-training.

Make sure she's groomed and dressed real nice in good clothes. People will treat her differently, and she'll feel better about herself.

Have someone from the family be around at all different times. If there are specific visiting hours, that's bs. Show up anyway to see how things are when the staff let's their hair down.

I hope I'm not being presumptuous. And I hope that helps.

BTW, I believe in miracles too.

opt

Hi Turtle,...I really have to ask you why you call yourself that, because you should really label your self as something like "One of God's Compassionate Understanding angels".

Anyway briefly per 'Candy' I will keep this brief.


First of all I love my wife even now. That does not mean trying to protect her with out some realistic hard nosed correction.

Yes, we have gone to the Joffry and plays whenever we could do it. There is her disappointment and regret when we do but i have learned that I cannot live her past or her current life for her as far as she could have been a great dancer. I truley recognize her disappoitment over loss of theater. My wife "C" is the most beautiful, the most loyall, the wittiest, the most observant and the sexiest woman I could ever have been honored to have. I took her on a date in Aug. 1995 to see Sinatra here at the United Center w/o the kids and she was impressed and she seemed totally in love bak then not only with Sinatra but with me.

Anyway, she has never been denied as long as I had the funds.
I am really dilapitated tonight after posting here on my day off. I need to come back tomorrow and say what I need to about her relationship continuing.

I have read quite a few posts and I think now I do know who the truely compassionate people are and those who are not. E.g., this may get me innoculated here, but just for example..Road...I do not know your situation, but I would suggest, no matter your circumstances that you do get to relate to and and confide with gently to whomever you seem to give your advice to, and to realize that you are not the commander. I have read alot here, and you seem to implore Your interruptation against all else..

Hi Believer and Optimism,
Last evening I called my son over and talked to him about his not visiting his mom for the last few weeks. He is a very good, but a sensitive young man and the reason he hasn't gone to see her is that he is upset about her relationship after I told him and our daughter. I did talk with her also on the phone last evening and reminded her as I did my son that she is your mom, not mine, and that no matter how you feel you have to continue to support her. She has not been calling C as often now. I love them both very much, but young people today, and I am sorry, are not like young people when I was in my 20s.

They both had examples of stable family life when they were growing up. My dad died of a heart attack back in Janurary 1943, and my mom remarried to believe it or not a high school boyfriend in 1949, and she and our stepdad were together until he died in 1987. My mom passed away in 1998. C's parents almost were able to celebrate their 70th anniversay, but he died in 2003 and her mom passed away two years later. They were the most devoted couple I have ever seen in my life. Last Sat. when we were out C told me that she has been having dreams about her mom, and they were very close. We always every summer put the kids on a plane to stay with grandpop and grandma for a week in NC when they were young and we have tons of pictures of all of them.

You are both so right. The thing I have to get beyond is that I do not praise the good people on the staff enough or hardly at all because I have let myself be so on edge regarding those who seem to slack. C has a hair dresser who she really likes and who sets and cuts her hair every two weeks for just $10. She also talks about one of the dietitians there who makes sure that she gets an extra portion of fruit and milk. I'm going to get a card for each of them and write a note of appreciation and give the cards to them next time I go there, and hold my tongue regarding some of the others who I do not respect. It is just so hard doing that tho.

Am up now to get ready for work today. I guess at the expense of whoever reads this stuff, I needed this yesterday and this morning to vent and express. I just woke up one of the cats, Mitzi, she was sleeping on the floor nearby and I got one of their catnip mice and dropped it on her. She about lept up two feet in the air and just looked at me like what are you doing. THat is such a relief because I can really laugh. C always had told me "why do you like to tease the animals".

I couldn't get myself to write here about last weekend.

Sat. I took C to Red Lobster, one of her favorite places, then to a movie - "She's Out of Your League". She does not normally like those sort of raunchy films with sexual language, but she laughed so hard at the shaving scene. You'd have to see the film to believe it. She said that was the best movie we have seen in awhile.

Got her back about 11pm. This time I did drive at night because it was raining on Sat. and she was upset some that I did. She had to go to nursing station to take her nightime medication and while I was waiting for her to do that her friend B and another woman came over in the day room and started talking to me asked what we did and then "she really likes to get out and this is very nice of you....she has such a problem walking (Yeah like I do know that)...she saw a movie not too long ago and she was telling us about it....it's good that you are here now..did you go to the mall (a large mall here where the theater is)....she likes to go there when "R" can takes her...he used to be here.."

Bottom line is that he (her 'friend) has been visiting her there and has been able to take her out on passes. This i found out when I called on SUnday morning and talked to her counselor. Per him her counselor, she can receive visitors and get a pass as long as she agrees and she signs a release and the person is known. C asked me at dinner on Sat. if I could give her any more money. I gave C $100 a week ago for personal stuff and that was meant to last for awhile. I know she didn't go shopping and buy anything because she always has told me and shows me when she does buy new clothes and asks what do you think. Two and two together I know now she spent the money with him last Wed. when she had her last pass per the counselor.

I have not talked to C since I left Sat. night. Sunday I talked to her brother and SIL and he is going to send a letter by registered mail as her PoA stipulating that that person is not allowed to take her out of the facility. I also monitor our family usage of minutes under the family plan. Four phones with 1,200 anytime mins but over last few weeks I cannot account for the depletion of minutes from week to week. I know who I call and checked with my son, who mostly does texting, and my daughter and she uses it mainly to call family so conclusion is her using her cell to call him during day. She calls me but normally at night. I have not seen the detail bill but requested on via email and will check it.

Have to get to work. Yesterday after Sunday I did not go in because I was this upset. I just vented here and did some cleaning and errands. I have not asked her recently to talk about this guy how she feels and what the h__ is going on because she does not seem ready and I didn't want to spoil her time out. I don't want to get another 'I don't want to talk about it' from her.

Yesterday I think in another string I posted to someone that right now I need to take some time for myself and go silent during Lent and just think. I feel right now as far as C that I don't even know who she is now and I'm back to almost where I was two months ago when I first started looking at this site.

For those of yu who are also suffering be assured that you will be in my prayers.

I call myself turtlehead because it is a nickname my husband gave me. He stays up later than I do and when he comes to bed and turns the light on to read a bit, I raise my head up, eyes closed, sound asleep, and "look around" to see what the disturbance is. He says I look like a turtle poking its head out of its shell to see what's going on. I rarely wake up enough to remember him coming to bed and I certainly don't remember looking all around with my eyes closed. Pretty funny.

ha, ha. I don't know if she'll laugh at that or whomp you over the head. Should be interesting.

She didn't mean for you to keep your posts brief. She just meant give them some white space between the paragraphs, which you are doing. Computers are hard on some folks' eyes and the break between paragraphs helps make posts more legible. Make your posts as long as you like, and throw in a blank line between paragraphs like you are doing.

Or are you just picking on her and I missed the joke?

Your wife must have no contact forever with her affair partner. Send something in writing to the facility, and ask your wife to write a no contact letter to him. Also have you confronted him?

Does the affair partner have any family you can expose to? Is he married? Children?

Hi Turtlehead,
I know hardly anything about this guy, except that he was a resident there for nearly two years, he is now living somewhere in the area here...NW suburbs, and his first name. I met him one time when I visited my wife and he sat down at our table when we were having lunch.

My mistake was not getting more information back then just after I found out, and I did not because he was out of there. At that time I took my own advice!

I am going to see C on Thurs., and following things planned or in place. 1) Tonight I will prepare a NC letter from C addressed to his first name; I will use a template that I have seen here, 2) With or without her signature I will give that letter and my own confronting letter to her counselor for him to mail; I cannot get his address, but he will arrange to mail to his last supplied address; 3)He is on her non-contact list now per my requst and the letter from her brother should reach him by Turs., 4) I have asked her counselor to retrieve her phone and learned today that he did. 5) From that I can at least look at the calls folder to see the history and determine the number if they have been in contact, which I believe they have becuase the plan minutes have been drained pretty much more than expected over last three weeks.

Other than that, I'm going to take C out for lunch - getting her to sign the letter and just talking to her about this would not be appropriate there. Also her counselor has invited me to meet with him along with C for 15 - 30 minutes when I am there on Thrus.


I wanted to reply to you becuase it has taken me the last couple of days to work thru this in my mind. I need to step back from this now because it is really draining, and I want to have a sort of R&R day tomorrow even tho I will be at work.

Thanks

It's been a few days, but now I feel something has been accomplished.

I just heard more than I ever wanted to last sat. and then I went underground and not answering her phone calls the following days or calling her.

I met with her Thurs. and I took her to lunch and we had a good time simply taling to each other again. She was upset with me for not answering her calls or calling her butI needed to plan my time. She told me more about this guy and that she went out with him on passes from nursing home because I didn't go there enough and that she asked me if I loved her. For me that was a hard question to answer and I said I did but I don't honestly know if I mean I do now. We talked about previous times when she said she was happy and also about me now in touch with a long-lost friend who I just saw two weeks ago and she knows them, and wants me to arrange a dinner out with them. They both are very good people and we both know them well and I will arrange that..

Oaky that's where we are not we haven't talked much, I have her cell phone now, and I still have some important issues.

Right now I don't want to go rushing back to see her anymore. I am mostly responsible for her care now, and she is still sharp and descriminating in her thinking. Basic thing is the trust, and I am not about to nor can monitor her nor did I need to for 40 years, but now I pretty much feel I have been tossed out and I don;t know why. That is what so is on my mind now.

In line with this, I do have to tell some of you here a harsh thought. When I came on here earlier to retreive my previous string I saw some responses to someone who was asking question about having an affair ..revenge affair. Why do some of you feel compelled to respond to that person in a supposidly supportive way? Especially a comment from, and I cannot remember the name, advising "you did not take his wife away". What?? Perhaps a few of you ought to remember "what god has joined together". That came from Christ at the marriage at Cana, and I don't know the gospel reference. But to those of you, get a life!

I am going back to my original string.

Events in last several days really had me reeling, but that is no excuse for my immature behaviour yesterday.

A week or so ago I didn't think she would be so off and on with me despite all I have read and learned here. I was able to visit her three times last week, and Monday -angry, Wed. - happy and comfortable with me, and Friday - angry and impatient again. I printed the EN questionnaire and brought it to her last week, but she refused to consider it then. That was part of my reason for doing that post yesterday on EN's because I am really confused now. I find it hard to carry on a plan A because of the separation.

I am going to have her here tomorrow despite what I said. Sometimes I do let myself get so affected by the ups and downs with regard to her that I let it get to me.

She had her cell phone stolen from her room last week when I took her out to lunch. She raised a scene and I filed a report, but bottom like I will have to pay to get a replacement for her.

There are two things that she is obsessed with now..the first is visiting a care home that is more asthetic (sp) and second is to handle her complaints of not hearing much from our son and daughter and her brother and SIL. I try but I know that the reason they call her less is not that they don't love her but she sometimes takes off after them and the no no contact she had ordered last fall. I learned that the assisted living place will most likely not take her due to the fire and the gas threat that happened. I have investigated this possibility with the knowledge of her counselor and psychiatrist and I will take her there mainly because she has to learn and trust that neither I nor any family member is trying to hold her back or control her life and decisions.

Anyway, I know I am pressed and feeling impatient now, and I know those are my traits and I know they are typical of an alcoholic personality, no matter how far removed from that last drink.

Tom

This is so strange. I talked to 'C" tonight and we had a long talk.

I cannot get her to talk to me about her relationship still, but I now do feel that is over. She just tells me she doesn't want to talk about it. period.

The thing is that she told me she wants to stay here all night tomorrow and I accept that and god yess I am excited she even wants to. Problem is she cannot stay overnight due to the condo contract. My problem is I want to so much make love to my wife but she wants me to perform miracles and have her stay the night but I cannot. So she gets upset and yes that is denial for what has happened. So hell we keep going back to square 1. I will show her the best time tomorrow that she has had in months.

I am still frustrated. If this was an honest separation well then yea, I would be cautious. she really seems she wants to be here and I can't be the white night but I will show her the best time she has ever had.


Tom

I neglected to post that at this point I have decided to contact the Drr's Harley to arrange for counseling.

I have come to the conclusion that our situation is as someone said pretty unusual.

I should have added this feeling to my last post.

Tom

Tom, I just have to throw this out there, and I hope I'm not being presumptuous or telling you something you already know or have investigated.
There are several SAFE alternatives to nursing homes. Did you look into adult day health for while you're at work? What about a personal care attendant for respite while you're away?

There are also things you can do to make a condo safe, like unhook the gas line.

Have you and your kids REALLY been creative with possible solutions?

BTW, thanks for apologizing. You really pi$$t me off, especially with your patronizing comment toward ML. I, too accept your apology and wish you the best moving forward.
opt