Hamster, don't let people who are blatantly trying to wind you up (321, and we have liftoff ) get under your skin.

Ignore is a good option; it will keep your thread from derailing. Concentrate on replying to those who have something real to say, even if it's uncomfortable.

I must admit that I find it odd that you would ask people you don't know and who don't know you what you should do with regard to your marriage. You seem somewhat ambivalent to me; ambivalence will not help you recover your marriage nor will it help you find the answers as to why you chose the infidelity path.

pk

hamster

If your BH found MB maybe you can both do at least one counseling session with the Harleys.

As to either you or your BH deciding to divorce. The most given advice is to wait six months to make such an important decision because your minds are in such turmoil it is extremely hard to make a rational and informed decision.

Thanks Penaltykill and TheRoad---that is helpful advice. I am not ambivalent in the slightest. It might come off that way via posts and I am not sure why----but I really do care and I am quite torn up over this whole matter. I have cried quite a bit and I am seeing a therapist to work through my grief and depression.

I guess I came to this forum because I thought I would find some objective opinions. It is actually not up to me---but up to my husband. My choice is to stay in the marriage and the "ball" is in my husband's court now. I have been pleading with him to stay for weeks, but he (understandably) continues to be unhappy and ask me to "let him go". I wanted to see what others thought about the situation and maybe see if anyone who had been in my shoes had some useful feedback. I would never make decisions based on what someone posted on a forum, but I do consider it to be useful food for thought.

When we were getting married, I was elated. I was so excited about the wedding and so happy to be getting married. We had a beautiful wedding with my whole family and friends present. It was the wedding of my dreams.

I think my H was equally happy at the time too---but only he knows the true answer to that question.

Oh and I have talked about my marriage extensively with my family and friends. The problem with family and friends is that they love you and try to defend you being harsh on yourself. Their advice gets "clouded" by their love for you and desire to see you happy. I hope that makes sense. Of course, they realize what I did was wrong and they tell me it was a dumb decision.

I wanted to see what someone totally outside of the situation had to say.

Ok.... It was a dumb decision....

It's not rocket science....

You are right about people close to you having clouded vision though. I'll give you credit for that. The people here will not sugar coat anything. They will tell you the truth. The harsh reality. Listen to the posts that seem to sting the most. That typically means that there is some truth to them that is really hitting home.

First - I would like to thank everyone for providing my wife with sincere advice and I would also like to clarify that I'm writing out of my own free will.

It's comforting to read posts that help express what I'm currently feeling. I'm still shocked that my "best friend" of seven years could betray me. Initially, after the first affair was revealed to me, I found the MB website and after reading the material overnight I was actually ready to begin the healing process.

I understood that I wasn't meeting some of "Hamster's" emotional needs and I was ready to do everything in my power to win back my best friend. A few weeks into the healing process, I decide to look through some of "Hamster's" chat logs, not because I wanted to find more ammo to get get mad at her, but because I wanted to see what she had told her friends about me; what made her unhappy with me.

To my surprise and shock, I discovered more than I intended. I read a conversion with one of her best friends, a friend that I thought I could trust, discussing a certain "Gym Guy" and how "Hamster" was gonna test him out in bed. My heart sank.... no need to go into details.

To me this second affair seemed to be a strictly sexual in nature and didn't meet the emotional needs that I felt I was lacking.

After discovering the second affair, I decided to still give it a try, but everyday, every morning was filled with unhappiness...how could Hamster do this to me, to her son, to herself!...that's all I could think about. After a few weeks of torture I decided enough was enough and that I needed to find happiness, so I decided to move in with my parents, at which point I told them about the affairs, and I also requested the necessary paperwork to file a divorce. My parents have been my rock and have helped me realize that I can't blame myself for what Hamster has done.

Ultimately, I see this as a opportunity to get out of a sour relationship. Hamster tells me that she did what she did because she was unhappy...I let her know that I was unhappy too, but never ever thought of having an affair. I was under the assumption that the first year of marriage is hard but that it was a obstacle that we would overcome together.

So here I am, feeling that what my wife did to me was unfair and that I should just move on with my life and learn from this experience. I now also feel the need to meet other people and hopefully find my soul mate...although, unlike my wife, I would to get divorced first before I start looking.

I obviously still love her, but the way I see her will forever be different.

Any additional advise and requests for further clarification are welcome.

Dear Hamster; (If INDEED you ARE a "hamster")

Really, all kidding aside. Quite a few threads are started as a joke to get the posters riled up, so you have to give the critics some room for skepticism. The rest? one word: BLOVIATE.

You came here for help. alrighty then,.
Well, have you read the content on the site? Have you read Surviving an Affair? BY Dr.H

It is good that you post, but I will tell you to read. Read the stories from the men who have lived through betrayal, see just how much pain that they have lived through.

Can't blame your BH if he wants out. You can not force him to stay. There is not point trying.

The best you can do is to work on youself and your morals. Your BH is not going to be able to be talked into anything. You must let go, unless he is a sadistic freak, fighting and holding on is only delaying the end result.

Thank you for posting BN and sharing your feelings!

@ Barbiecat - yes we have ordered the books. I have started to read them, but BN is no longer interested as you can see from his post above. It is still useful.

The best thing you can do is give your husband ALL of the assets and go find yourself a job at the Waffle House.

Sounds like if you were testing people in bed, affairs are not new to you, how many more men did you test in bed while dating your now husband?

No affairs prior to marriage.

Quite unbelievable.

How many affairs prior to marriage?

@ Bubbles - yes my H says the same thing and I probably would too if I were in his shoes.

@ bitbucket - I never had an affair prior to marriage. I was friends with OM1 for 5 years prior to marriage, but never had an affair or anything close to it.

Your husband could ask your girlfriends since you bragged all about all the men to them.

A friendship with OM 1... IS an emotional affair.

The best thing you could do, Pariah (and others), is just pass on posting on peoples threads, when you can't do any better than insults.

She came for HELPFUL advice...I'm just sayin'...

No, OM1 and I were truly just friends in graduate school and thereafter.

H and I both had friends of the opposite sex while together. I do admit that our friendship in the latter months of 2009 did become an EA...but it was never anything other than friendship prior to that time.