Something may have been said since exposure last weekend. WW has not said however she did not go to church nor teach today. We have a new pastor and I am not real comfortable with him yet for some reason. I am very close to a retired pastor from our church and have spent hours with him. He is 80years old and tells me what I need to hear even when I don't want to hear it. He helps keep me straight.

This is not uncommon. Many adulterers continue in their roles at church,inspiring young minds. Especially in more 'progressive' churches. Unless a BS makes noise...

nsx, call them up. Talk to both pastors and ask them to speak to your wife. They also need to know that she cannot lead right now.

WW worked for the retired pastor when she worked at the church. She avoids talking to him now because he knows the person she was and what she has become. She cannot face him. I need to call him tomarrow and set up a time to meet. We have known him for 20 years and he was always the one WW ran to when she was troubled, He was allways better at unbiased judgements and the proper way to deal with a situation. He also pushed me to give OMW the emails. WW doesn't know that and I don't think she needs to.

NSX:


Exactly.

Larry

next appointment with MC was to be tonight. I told WW I would not return. WW did finally did agree that MC did no good. She tried to defend him @ first saying "he said things would get worse before better". I said that should not mean divorce and new start. I am not sure if WW is planning on keeping appointment without me I guess I will find out tonight. I do not think it would serve me well to try to stop her from seeing a so called MC. Meantime Mel I have been a broken record and I am letting her stew.

What about counseling with the Harleys, any progress there?

I am trying hard to manage the NC before taking that route. That is where I want to be but WW must agree to be done with business and have NC before it makes sense.

Before what makes sense? Talking with the Harleys?

I promise you that talking with the Harleys makes sense NOW.

nsx, if you can swing it, Steve Harley might be able to get through to her. He is a coach, versus a marriage counselor, and will try to sell her on a plan to save your marriage. And he sure won't put down your exposure!!

You don't have to influence her to get on the phone yourself. Steve doesn't coach ppl together anyway. He will talk to you ALONE, assess your situation and give you a plan. And then he will want to speak to your wife alone in another session.

It might be a good idea to give him a try. He can be very influential with wayward wives.

From past threads here, many betrayed spouses have spoken to the Harleys for coaching BEFORE NC was implemented.

Just get one of them on board. The others are recommending Steve; so try to get him.

Just by finding MB you have gotten good advice. Look what happened when you exposed to OMW and the rest. Your wife's first reaction when she got OMs phone call was the most telling. She's riding the roller coaster, so expect extreme reactions and actions.

You're also on a roller coaster. Don't let it throw you.

Oh, and we also went to MC. Total waste of money. MC told me not to insist on NC. So ex was on phone w/OW all the way to the MC office, he was back on the phone with her as soon as we parted after the sessions. [I checked his cell phone while he was in the shower.] Continued contact wiped out any help the MC might have done.

P>S> we're divorced.

WW went to MC alone. She got home @ 9:00pm got ready for bed, sat down on sofa and was asleap in 5 min. I did not try to have conversation about what was said. This morning she seemed ok when I left for work but still very very cold. Maybe tonight if she gets home at an early enough time she will talk. I felt like she needed time to think about something maybe she thinks it bothers me about what MC had to say about me not comimg but his opinion doesn't count with me.

nsx,

This is a war and you are only in battle number 2 of 10+.

Offense:
Offense requires daily actions of Plan A your wife and plan B/180 your ww. Do not stop speaking her love languages. Make deposits whenever however you can no matter how angry you feel. Feelings often betray us themselves so don't be guided by feelings. Been there too. Frustration, anger, jealousy, hatred, sad, mad, a roller coaster that is her ride. Do not buy that ticket. Your offense is simply to plan A and execute.

Now defense:
Patience. Calm. Lighthouse. No LBers. The defense you are already doing great at (demanding NC, delivering the truth about her jumping into the mud herself.) Do not let a sea of emotions or a pile of pointless details (mc's opinion of you?!?) claim your marriage. Keep bringing the truth without emotional dramatics or in judgement of her.

Do not lose site of the goal - to become ONE.

Still on rollercoaster. I have been working hard to make deposites and avoid LBers. There has been no move toward NC with OM that I am aware of, I have been giving her space and avoiding LBers. When I told her I would file for divorce on the grounds of adultry it seemed to be a wakeup shock to her but she still tries to shift the blame to me. Will she ever stop looking for someone or something else to blame and take her share of responsibility so we can move on? I need to continue as best I can with plan A way past where it should have ended. My youngest graduates from college soon I can't put anymore outside pressure on him at this point by going to plan B.

WW continues to work 14-15 hours a day. I see no indication of improvement. Went to Dr. yesterday for yearly checkup, blood pressure gone crazy. Dr. asked what was happeneing in my life that has my system so confused so I told him. He wants to start me on antidepressants and blood pressure med. WW continues with mood swings that are hard for me to understand just when I feel a little progress everything turns cold again. I need advice again before I give up and bail out.

NSX

Last resort. . .or first choice. Either way. . .


Mel says talk to Steve. I say talk to Steve. You are at a point where you need professional help before you bail.

Larry

Thanks Larry. I don't think I can afford that. I plan to contact lawyer Monday to get some idea of fees then I can figure which is the best way to go. I don't think anyone can help my situation as long as WW can still hide at business 15 hours per day. My Pastor said she has made this business her God.