We've been married 10years- together 15years. We have 3 kids (7, 6, 1yo)In November he met a woman and they began emailing and running together (with other people too) and they would have lunch together once in a while too. I didn't know about this site and thought we were happily married (and she is married too) and so I believed my husband when he said they were truly just friends and I think they were-- at first.

I discovered on Jan 22, 2010-- they were text messaging 100-200X/day and it was an EA. He said he "knows he loves me but doesn't feel it", doesn't know what love is, feels a connection to her like he has never felt with me, etc. Classic stuff...

At that time, I soon found this site and he sent a no-contact..and I moved into Plan A. We filled out the EN's forms, looked at LB's and I tried to meet his needs and he went through a fog-depression. Then it lifted and we started going out on dates, talking, working on reconnecting...

Meanwhile, I've been reading all I can on here and ordered the books, etc. And checking up on his email accounts, phone bill, etc. I told friends and family and had contact with OW but I am very afraid to contact her husband because I did a background check on him and he has record for assault and other violent actions.

I discovered on Feb 17 that they text messaged again. I saw it on his phone record. He apologized and also confessed he contacted her a few days before that as well but it didn't post on the phone bill for a couple of days and I missed it. He said, I just missed her and wanted to see if she was doing ok.

So lastnight my 1yo walks up to me with husband's cell phone and says, "Dada" and hands me the cell phone...it was turned on and open to a different email account. Both of them "went deeper" and created new gmail accounts. The message he was writing was I'm going to miss you and when I think of you my eyes fill with tears...he had not sent it yet as he got a call and stopped to talk to someone else. I also saw that she had sent him a message that said "not sure about this weekend yet" and "we have to make the most of our time. Will be gone in 2 weeks." Now my husband is telling me she is talking about her apartment search since she is moving to another state in 2 weeks. He says he was not trying to meet up with her but asked her if she would be at the bike ride on Sat. so her response was saying she didn't know if she would because she is planning this move and has a ton to do.

He opened up and cried and said he does love me and wants to be with me. He swore he was ready to tell me the truth (which he says he has now told me-- EA, flirting, emails broke contact) He said he would never lie to me again. That is not something he has ever said before.

So I'm here looking for advice. Do I stay in plan A? Is there any way I can get those gmail emails even though he has deleted them? (He also sent another note saying he was closing his email account and he wants no contact out of love and respect for his wife and family)

We are going to set up apt's with Dr. Harley but until then... what do I do? I don't want him out. I really don't. What are the guidelines of when to switch to plan B? I am afraid he will think he can keep "slipping" up.

If this is classic stuff then you have classic plans to follow all laid out right here on MBers. Expose expose expose, it serves more than one purpose for all seven+ people (4 spouse and at least 3 children) involved.

Read HNHN, LBers, SAA.

Plan A each other. Don't worry about the feelings. Do the actions. The feelings will follow and sometime about 2 years from now you will have the beginnings of a great marriage.

MBJG,

I am so sorry that you find yourself here and in your situation but this is a very good place for advice and support. You say that you found MB shortly after D-day. I hope that you have availed yourself of the many articles here in addition to the forums.

You need to familiarize yourself with the Carrot and the Stick of Plan-A. You have now sent two NC letters and are trying to fill his ENs. Have you exposed the A? It is especially important that it be exposed to OWH as he could prove to be your greatest ally by watching for contact from his end. Your WH will NOT want you to do this so it is very important not to discuss this with him in advance. If you do not expose to OWH I am afraid that they wil keep going further and further underground.

God's Blessing,

Say

Oops, missed that. That eliminates her best chance at stopping contact then. What now?

God's Blessings,

Say

I would:
Put a key logger on the computer
GPS on his car and cellphone
I wouldn't tell him about those.

Ask him to switch cellphones with you unexpectedly whenever you ask and watch his response. This will tell you a lot.

Wow, lots of similarities to my sitch...they met on a message board for runners, they were both "runners"; we went through a FR; a move out of state is what we did.

Also...I am sorry to say this but chances are VERY good that this was also a PA. I was told it was "just" an EA at first as well. Today I got a call from one of my very best girlfriends who found out three months ago that her H had an "EA"...she just found out today it was also a PA.

It's VERY common for this to come out much later. I agree with the snooping. Your H is too addicted and will try to get his "high" however he can.

I am sorry you are here.

It won't tell you enough, unfortunately...I did this and FWH agreed happily ~ because they had already taken it further underground and had just found other means of being in C.

Very, very common....

If he is a physical abuser, that would explain her motives. She is looking for rescue. On the other hand, there is also the possibility of a lie. He may be the most passive guy in the world and OW is looking for sympathy. Lying is part of adultery, especially between the affairees.

Given that threat, you probably need a third party confirmation before you or do not expose since exposure to a physical abuser is very, very dangerous and is the only time I believe that exposure has to be reconsidered before you do it. In my work with a shelter many years ago, I saw a woman who looked like she had a fight with Mike Tyson and had lost. Her jerk husband had caught her talking, just talking mind you, with another man.



Pep's institutional memory of who helps with what is a legend in all of our minds. Get him on here and let the rest of us have at him You will probably enjoy the results, in more ways than one.

Larry

MBJ, have you exposed your H's affair to all your family and friends? I understand your fears about exposing to her H at this time - he still deserves to know the truth, though - but there is no reason this can't be exposed to BOTH your families and close friends.

Exposure is a powerful weapon against the affair and will help wake him from his daze.

If it were me, I would expose the affair to her H and then immediately call the OW and tell her to be prepared for an [censored] whooping. She might want to move to a shelter.

Even violent people have a right to know they are being destroyed their backs. We are not entitled to abuse someone just because they are abusive.

I would also suggest that you meet up with the OW and tell her that her affair is over or hell is coming her way. She needs to know you will not lie down for this.

MBJ

If you elect to contact OW as Mel has suggested, you might ask her if she has what is called a "Rescue plan." Any shelter can help her to construct one. She can also consult with 800 799 SAFE. Easy to remember 799 SAFE at Area Code 800. That would be a kindness to someone who probably doesn't deserve it, other than as a general revulsion against abusers. I hate abusers.

Larry

MBJ, if she is looking for an escape then it wouldn't surprise anyone here if she got impregnated by your husband as a way to get him to leave you. This is why I would not take a timid approach to this affair. The longer this goes on, the more opportunity she has to get pregnant.

Oops missed that one. Thanks Pep!


Oh yes, warn OW before exposing to OWH. Murder is not uncommon with abusers if they think they are about to lose their punching bag.

Larry

It can happen Pep, but is more rare than out right murder. But the abuser will often threaten, for sure. Seldom follows through, but seldom is the operative word. It can still happen.

Larry