This started under another thread and seemed big enough to warrant its own discussion, so here it goes...

My WW has a very good female friend who I believe gave her the support she needed to have her affair.

Also, an xGF I had a long while back also cheated on me. And she too had a very good female friend who I believe gave her the support she needed to cheat.

How much responsibility should be placed on the head of the enabling friend?

And what do you do with the enabling friend if reconciliation is to take place?

Right now, I really don't feel like speaking to my WW's friend for the rest of my life. Unfortunately, I doubt my wife will ever give up that friendship, plus they are related by blood. So what are my options?

You cut the enabling friend out of your life the way an addict would cut his drug dealer out of his life.

Some couples leave home to escape from OM/OW. Why not leave enabling friend?

Unfortunately, the enabling friend is my WW's long time best friend and cousin. She is basically her sister. They talk on the phone every day. Sometimes several times a day.

Getting WW to lose enabling friend is going to prove even more difficult than getting WW to lose OM.

My FWW's GF was the only person that knew about the A. She knew during the 1 1/2 year A and the 10 years that followed until I finally found about the A.

The stories I have heard about how GF encouraged FWW to stop and how much I loved her. I actually believe them. But I have still eliminated GF from our lives. Why? Her secrecy made her complicit in the lies and deceit. Her silence enabled the A to continue.

TE, my wife knows the GF is off limits. She is not a friend to our marriage. Her act was one of selfishness. She preferred her friendship to my FWW as opposed to doing what was right.

My XBIL was an enabler, coach, teacher and cheerleader to help Wayzilla get her EA across the line into a PA. Of course he was over a year into his own PA with a married woman. He even offered to be the underground anti-intermediary between Gollum and her at the end.

They had not really talked at all for years until they had their adulteries in common. Suddenly they were the bestest of friends. They would go to dinner together once a week but I think this was also used as cover a couple times for Wayzilla and Gollum to rut, sweat and exchange nasty fluids together. What a great guy. It must have made him very proud to do all this for his sister so she could, �be happy.�

I must be getting over it somewhat now because if I did come across him in an alley and he was totally immersed in fire I would piss on him a little. After I took pictures of course.

I think a lot of times it�s the �birds of a feather� syndrome as we have seen frequently these enabling BF�s have huge boundary issues if not being outright adulterers themselves.

Perhaps the enabling friend is someone the WS confides in just to justify what they are doing is okay. They will not tell any other friend about the affair because most likely their other friends will say "Don't do it!" Who wants to hear that. On the other hand if I find a friend that says "Heck yeah its a good idea to buy stock in GM right now." I feel more justified in doing it!

I think all WS's will have an enabling friend because they seek out justification of what they are doing. How close these friends are to the WS might show how quickly they can go wayward. It's like the OM/W, they don't seek out the enabling friend, they just happen.

Pep,

If ZERO responsibility, than why gone forever?

You don't blame the pusher for your decision to use dope - but you still get rid of the pusher as a negative, toxic influence on your life.

Gone forever because you deserve better. Don't you?

Good answer.

That is great!

Pep is right..... Recovery is HARD HARD HARD work.....

You really don't need the added stress of wondering how "friend" is influencing WW every time they interact. You'll have enough stressor to deal with.

I lost a dear friend in my BIL through my sisters affair. Why? Because my H KNEW of sis affair and kept it quiet. BIL felt betrayed, and rightly so. Neither sis nor BIL blames my H for her decision but my H's betrayal and enabling behavior (add in H's own affair shortly thereafter), was more than BIL could take.

I hate what that decision has cost ME but I understand BIL need to do this........

I do fear that WW will never agree to giving up enabler friend. As I said, they are like sisters. That could be the deal breaker.

The sad thing is you can't "talk" your WW into giving up the friend. As implied from Pep's answer to your "why gone forever" question, your WW must come to the point IN HER OWN MIND where she realizes that the friend is a bad influence and therefore must go. You can't do that for her.

You'll know when she's approaching FORMER WW status when she gives up the friend of her own accord.