My wife and I are separated and we have been seeing each other throughout the separation until jan 2010. Throughout the separation we did not make progress because at the time we did not possess the skills on how to resolve our differences.

In January my wife started seeing another man and totally cut off all contact with me and then she filed for divorce. I decided I was not going to give up on our relationship and I began to read everything I could about how I could save our marriage. Finally about 3 weeks ago, I was able to get my wife to talk to me and I explained to her all of the things that I had done wrong in our marriage and that I was working to correct them. She saw an obvious change in me and this made her open to talking about reconciliation. She put the divorce on hold and we have been seeing each other pretty regularly for the last 3 weeks and getting along better than ever.

The only problem is she will not commit to me that she will cut off all contact with this other man. She says she is confused and doesn't know what she wants, and she keeps telling me not to pressure her. Based on the amount of time my wife and I see each other and the time we talk on the phone/email, I know she is only seeing this guy about every 2-3 weeks. Also based on things she had said to me, I know that this other man is not too interested in my wife. But it is obvious to me that my wife is interested in this other man and she is depressed because this other man will not give her the relationship that she wants.

My wife tells me that she loves me but she just needs time to think. My wife also tells me that she has not told this other man that she is seeing me and sleeping with me again.

I know who this other man is and my question is should I contact him and respectfully tell him that my wife and I are working on a reconciliation and ask him to cut off all contact with my wife? My concern if I did that is this other man would tell my wife that I contacted him and then my wife would be extremely upset with me for doing it and it could ruin all the progress we have made. So what do you think I should do about contacting this other man?

Contacting him is useless. Expose .

She is cake-eating which you should not allow her to do.

She needs "space." Space away from you to pursue her affair. Make her affair too much trouble.

Your marriage can survive her anger, but not her affair.

Can you elaborate more on what you suggested. I really don't understand exactly what you are recommending that I do. Thank you.

Sorry. Expose to her family, anyone who can put pressure on her to stop her affair.

She will get VERY mad, but as I said...

Your marriage can survive her anger but not her affair.

Here's my reasoning for contacting the OM: My wife told me many times early on that this OM did not want to have a relationship with her until she gets a divorce. And at this time, my wife told me she wanted a divorce as soon as possible so she could have a relationship with this man. My wife would get very angry with me when the divorce hit spots where it was moving slowly. So I think if this OM knew the truth that my wife has now put the divorce on hold, that he would not want anything to do with my wife anymore. I also think this OM is not very interested in my wife anyway and if he knew the truth about my wife and I seeing each other again and the divorce being on hold, he would abandon seeing her completely. I have to figure out a way to make him aware of the truth without my wife finding out I told him.

You should not be worrying about your wife finding out.

Do they work together?

Is OM married?

tell us more about the situation...

How long married>
How long together?
How many kids?

Does her family know?
OM a co-worker?
OM an old boyfriend?

More information will help us help you

Your kidding right?

This is your wife for goodness sakes and he is having sex with her.

Good lord - give him a call and tell him to go f off

Ok, you want one answer to one question in a complicated
situation that requires more than that one answer to one
question.

There is an education here if you are motivated to proceed.

Start with basic concepts and go from there. Spend a few
hours learning and then, with your new knowledge, you can
assess the responses you get and understand them.

The more you know, the more effective you can be at your
task of luring your wife back.

How many years married: It makes a difference.
How many kids: If any.
How old are you and how old is she.

All of those questions are relevant to the question you asked.

Larry

They do not work together and would not normally run into each other. OM is not married. He's a former polititian in Texas and is now a lobbyist. He is very wealthy and travels in the circles of all the powerful people/politicians in Texas. The money and the power is what is attracting my wife to him. I think he has plenty of women much younger than my wife chasing after him. My impression from what I know is the guy would probably bow out if he knew my wife and I were seeing each other again and that my wife put the divorce on hold. I honestly don't think he would want to get in the middle of my wife and I and get involved in that sort of drama.

I smell an opportunity for exposure - do you?


Larry - you know what I mean eh?

Tex - ran into something similar 4-5 yrs ago with my wife and her beau.

My wife and I are in our early 50's an have been together for 8 years and married for 3 years. We both have children in their 20's from previous marriages.

I've read nearly every article on the Marriage Builders web page and I have also read "His Needs Her Needs". These lessons have been very helpful in helping me to get my wife interested in reconciling. The problem is my wife is too weak to overcome her addiction to this OM and take the steps needed to end that relationship. She is having a fantasy of living a life with the rich and powerful. She is hanging on to a dream that by some miracle the OM will decide he wants to be with my wife. This OM is not going to want to have a long term relationship with my wife. I think he's just calling her when he gets bored and has nothing else to do.

Hi Texas. I agree with your reasoning. I suspect the OM would drop her like a hot potato if he knew the truth. However, your wife needs to know it was you who told him. Otherwise, you cannot take credit for it.

An important aspect of this you probably don�t get is comprehend is that your wife left you to pursue this affair. She STAGED it to make it look like she met the man afterwards. But women don�t leave to �get space� unless there is an affair. If you think back real hard, you will be able to put the pieces of the puzzle together.

How did you two meet? How did her last marriage [s] end? Did your relationship with her start as an affair?

She will be upset with you for interfering with her affair � AT FIRST. But your marriage can survive her temporary anger, it can�t survive an ongoing affair. This would be the best thing you could do to save your marriage. Additionally, if you exposed the affair to both your families, it would destroy the fantasy, which would push her back towards you.

Remember, the goal here is to save your marriage, not to avoid your wife�s anger at all cost. Some men are so scared to make their wives angry that they forfeit their marriages because they are paralyzed with fear of her anger. You won�t make it if you allow fear to be your master.

The way to save a marriage from an affair is to cause as much conflict as possible in the affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so exposing it is ruinous to the supporting fantasy. Most affairs quickly fall apart upon exposure.

By all means, call up the other man and do what Melody normally tells the BS to do...tell him that h3ll is coming if he doesn't stay away from your wife. With him being in political circles and all, I would imagine that he does NOT want a big scandal...especially if he is just toying with your wife.

At the same time, EXPOSE to your family, her family, your children, and any friends who might be supportive of your marriage.

DO NOT WARN HER that you are going to do this. Just sit down and get it done in one fell swoop.

Get Pariah over here.

A political man is well-connected and that can spell trouble for the unsuspecting BH.

What does "BH" mean? Battered husband?

Betrayed Husband
BS = Betrayed Spouse

Notes on Exposure:
--Exposure targets
Anyone with influence over your WS or the marriage. WS' parents, siblings, best friend, children if they're over 4. OP's siblings, parents, spouse. Your priest or similar if you're religious. Their employer if they work together. Work exposure should be done *in writing* to the head of HR, the CEO, and WS' boss. All of them should know the others were copied; this makes it harder for them to toss the letter into the trash and forget about it.

--Exposure message
Use a formal letter for work exposure. Everything else is short and sweet: "OP and WS are having an affair. I love WS and I am committed to doing whatever it takes to repair our marriage and make it better than ever. I'd appreciate any advice you might have." The exposure message is not vengeful; it is a message of love.

--No warning
Do NOT threaten to expose, do not tell her you're going to expose. Just do it. If she has advance warning, she will tell her friends and family "We are having trouble in our marriage. H is controlling and angry. He won't talk to me, he won't listen to me. He is possessive and jealous, and he accuses me of insane things. Sometimes I'm scared for my physical well-being, he's changed that much. Thank goodness I have friends to talk to, otherwise I don't think I could bear the abuse. OM has been especially helpful in offering insights into how a man would see things. I just hope we can make it but I'm not sure we can." How do you think your exposure is going to sound after an oscar winning performance like that?

--Exposure after-effects
Your WS is going to be furious. You will hear predictable things like "I can never trust you again. I was going to dump OP and reconcile but you've blown any chance of that. I hate you. I'm filing for D." Don't EVEN pay attention to this stuff. Your WS is just angry because the super-fun super-secret affair is suddenly looking downright tawdry and the fun is turning into a nightmare. Just ignore most of it. If your WS tries to talk about divorce, say "I don't do divorce, I do marriage." Then change the subject. If your WS tries to pick a fight, tell them you'd very much like to discuss things when you can both be calm and rational, and leave the room if you have to. If she says things like "How could you do this?!" tell her you'll do whatever it takes to save your marriage.

Hooeee. Tex, you've got a ripe situation for a good exposure, here. I doubt this guy will want the taint of affair-scandal to interfere with his political world. If he is that connected and has that much power in his world, your WS (wayward spouse) is not the only woman pursuing him. He doesn't need the potential scandal if he's got other pursuits who aren't married.

You say you've read the articles on this site. Have you read about exposure? That's your first order of business.

Do NOT tell your WS that you are going to expose, just DO it. Forewarning her will give her time to spin the story to the OM, that you're a liar and a crazy person who is just trying to make trouble for her. Many fearful BS's think (misguidedly) that warning their WS will force them to think logically. This does not work. WS's do not think logically.

Sure, it'll piss her off. So what? She'll get over it. And she'll be forced to get over the OM when he cuts ties with her. Mission accomplished, rebuilding your M can begin.