I heard from my daughter today that my wife called her from her extended trip with OM. They have been gone about 6 weeks and have spent a lot of time together and from what my daughter tells me all is not well in what was supposed to be paradise.

It sounds like the bloom is coming off the rose in her affair. As many of you know we are separated and not divorced. She thinks it is OK to start dating since the separation. She has been dating this guy for almost a year and I think this trip together was to determine if it might turn into a full time situation.

My daughter tells me my wife used this phrase during her conversation - "IF your father and I were to get back together". This was after a brief explanation of how she is feeling about things not going so well with OM.

Now I am shocked at this new development. I certainly did not anticipate this. I am currently in Plan B and I am wondering what to do when she returns in two weeks? I am feeling many mixed emotions as I still love her but I am conflicted about how we could patch things up. I do believe in the concept of marriage is a lifetime commitment, at least on my part.

I need someone who respects, appreciates, and loves me. I need someone who is loyal and trustworthy. This has been shattered. How does one sort out the emotions surrounding a potential return, when you have been working hard at establishing a new life. I have read a lot on here but when it strikes me personally I just seem to go numb.

So feedback on how to handle the potential reconciliation. I understand that NC is mandatory but I am wondering about the process of trying put it back together again.

Your daughter may be engaging in wishful thinking, OR, the bloom has indeed come off the rose. The fantasy is dying a natural death as it almost always does with affairs. It is what it is.

The answer to your question is simple. She buys into the MB program with all her might. You do it together. You learn the whole deal. Anything less just doesn't cut it, IMHO. How much have you studied? The MB program and books are the best path there is. It starts out cheap, just the books. If you want to spring for the course, it is available, then after that, one of the seminars. A plan for every budget.

Larry

Keep your bar set high. You did give her a Plan B letter, outlining what you require from her before you will even conisder talking to her about reconciliation, didn't you?

If she approaches you, ask her if she has ended her affair and cut off all contact with OM. If the answer is yes, she will need to write a no contact letter that YOU approve and mail. If the answer is no, say, "Then, we have nothing to discuss." and either walk away or hang up the phone.

Hi BCB,

Is a divorce in the mill? If so I would let it keep going. No sense in borrowing trouble and worrying what your W may or may not do. You said

Yes everyone does and you don't have that person and have not had such a person for a long time. It is not your job to make your W into that person. It is her job to decide if she wants to be that person and then make herself into that person. This can happen within the marriage or even after divorce.

It is good that you believe that marriage is "until death do us part" but if she does not, then my friend you have a problem. But, not really.

You have already stated what you need and want from a marriage. She has already Biblically allowed you an exit from your vows. I say continue on your path and see what the future brings.

God Bless,

JL

JL
I hoped you would weigh in on this. As you know I always appreciate hearing your thoughts.

Thank you

BCB,

I am not sure if I have told you this before, but I want to repeat now as your situation changes. I have found in my life that I have worried about many things. I have come to branches in the road of life and wondered what in the world should I do.

In ALL cases, when I sat back and looked at the data, those forks in the road turned into a major highway in one direction and a deadend lane in the other. In short, the decision was actually no decision at all. If in fact things seem equal, then you cannot lose. At least that is how I look at it.

So sit back and examine the data as it comes in and I firmly believe you will find the decision simple. It just may not be easy.

God Bless,

JL

You can always assume she is still the same corrupt person as she has been for years. And get the divorce.

Then, if you see major changes after being divorced, like she turns into a good caring giving person who respects others, then at that time you can re-evaluate.

I would not give up the chance to have a normal, happy life for her, who has done nothing but hurt you, use you, and be terribly disrespectful and uncaring toward you.

She is totally corrupt. And if you let that toxic poison back into your life, the toxic stuff you are trying to heal from and clear out from your precious life,,,,,then your wife will recreate that toxic situation again.

Please, life is too short to live with a toxic taker wife! Even if she were not a cheater!

You can always remarry if you divorce. johnstwin did, because her H showed dramatic changes of the sort that were necessary.

BC Boy
In your short, short time here I have found that you learn very quickly and have given some of the most sound (and kind) advice from many posters on this site.

You have very keen instincts. You will use them when it is time. I am glad that you are willing to consider reconcilliation- that means that you have learned well- (put in Yoda ref)
It is just up to A. Your WW's ability to dislodge her head, and B. your patience in the matter.

Have you talked to Dr. H?

BCBoy, here is a post written by another board member describing what Steve Harley told her about reconciliation:

You can start out even cheaper than that by reading the entire website: basic concepts, Q&A columns, articles, and signing up for the email newsletter.

I have the idea reading the basic concepts and Q&A columns is roughly equivalent to reading Fall in Love, Stay in Love, but I haven't read FiLSiL yet, so I can't say for sure.

Very well said.

Without benefit of your prior thread(s) I don't know if you sent a Plan B letter and if so what the conditions for her return home might have been.

Assuming you did a proper Plan B, with a letter explaining the reason for Plan B and the conditions she must meet before you're ready to entertain the notion of reconciliation, then you do nothing.

You wait until she contacts your IM saying she's met your conditions or she is ready to. Other than that you stay dark.

BCboy,

I think this would be a good time to contact the Harleys and get their thoughts.

They have recommended on occasion to Plan B'ers to reiterate their willingness to keeping the door open and the lights on the path home to the wayward.

You may be nearing a crossroad here and should contact them.

Thank you all for the feedback I really appreciate it.

One of the principles I am trying to adhere to is "be honourable in my thoughts, actions, deeds" I do not want to be a doormat and the feedback here is valuable. However I did stand before God and make a promise. I know I have the right to divorce based on her adultery. Then again so did Hosea and God had a different plan for him. And that is what I really want to get clarity on, what does God want me to do in this case? I have not heard clearly yet, and this is such an important issue as it does not impact just me, it impacts family and friends too. Is it possible for her to show remorse and repentance? I guess the future will disclose the truth.

I read here something that said
Resentment + Entitlement + ???? = Justification for an affair (or something like that) I thought this was very insightful and I will need to be aware and look for these traits should we want to consider reconciliation.

I do find it so amazing that I can see others situation so clearly but when it comes to my own situation I feel like a deer caught in the headlights.

Thanks again for the feedback, you guys are very kind.

Her thoughts may be a fleeting fantasy, filled by a temporary glitch in HER OWN DESIRES for what SHE WANTS.

My advice?

Let your bus keep rolling down that highway, and if she decides to get on at the next stop, she has to have the right ticket. If her ticket is not completely valid, no ride.

You will know when she tries to get on. You can tell when you ask her, "Why do you want to get on this bus?"

If the first words out her mouth start with anything other than, "I made the wrong decision" or "I was stupid", or something along those lines then you will have your answer.

You won't have to "decide" anything. Chances are, that decision will be made for you.

SB

BCB I read in your other posts all about how your marriage was filled with eggshells and heartache and every day abuse from this selfish wife.

I agree with many of these other posters and I am here to also remind you that NOW, while she had been messing with that other man,


YOU HAD PRECIOUS TIMe, and a real chance.....TO BEGIN THE RECOVERY PROCESS FROM HER ABUSE. YOU WERE JUST STARTING TO GET PERSPECTIVE IN LIFE AGAIN APART FROM HER ABUSING AND USING YOU LIKE A DOORMAT FOR 30 YEARS.

Remember how early it is in your healing FROM HER ABUSE. In this VERY early stage of your recovery from abuse/healing, it will be hard to make ANY decisions especially important ones. You are still getting your bearings in a new life, FREE FROM TOXIC ABUSE. It will take years for you to fully recover and see what a life free of toxic abuse feels like. It will take years for you to see what a life free from being a meal ticket feels like for you. It will take years for your emotions/spirit to recover after being bashed in many ways by her.

She gave you a TASTE of a normal life due to the fact she was away from you and therefore not abusing you to your face.

So you are still damaged, floundering, and your thinking is skewed right now since your mind has to recover from 30 years of abusive behavior.

Give yourself some time, some leeway, and some dignity and get counseling support to help you deal with the hits your psyche an precious spirit have taken from her over the years.

If she moves back in, it will cramp your new found mental health and possibly cause more toxic damage

If she does not move it but pushes to live off of you once again, you are back in the same toxic waste dump you were in.

You have to choose HEALTH for yourself without toxic influence.

But that and any other choice will be hard now due to your PSTD from her abusing you.

Please get smart supportive human help for these choices you might be faced with. Dont let her push you off the road to good mental health again. Dont be a doormat. Please heal from it and never want the doormat life again.

And that is why I posted here. I believed I would find someone who would understand and who had been down this well worn road of abuse in relationships. I never realized it was abuse. I was the one who was accused of being emotionally distant, and emotionally neglected her. However since she has been gone I have had the opportunity to spend more time with my adult children and they have given me a different story.

They tell me they are actually feeling better with her being away. In fact my one daughter told me she did not miss her, but she told me she realized she missed me. I was deeply touched as I was told I did not know how to be close to the kids.

So thank you for caring enough to deliver the messages I needed to hear. I have a hard time comprehending that I was the one being abused, I felt I was to blame and I was falling short of the mark when it came to being in a relationship.

I spent some valuable time away traveling. During that time I had people tell me, unsolicited, that I had a good heart, and that it is clear I really do care about people. I began to realize that I may not be the terrible person "non person" , "boring person" I was told I was.

So you are right. I am in the early stages of healing. I guess I am susceptible to feeling lonely at times and wondering if I will have to spend the rest of my days single and alone. I guess I am like many of my friends, in that I really prefer to spend my time in the presence of a "good" woman. I thought I had one, but something changed several years back when her folks were sick. I really don't know what the triggers were.

I am feeling pretty upbeat these days as I have a new job and that is going to take a lot of my time and energy. It will also force me to get out and about again. I have changed my idea about retirement. I found I really do like working. And I think mid fifties is too early to retire. I am now thinking that I may never retire. I think a person like me needs a reason to get up every day.

So Bubbles, you deliver a strong message. I hope you are wrong about her, but I fear you are right. So thank you for taking the time to drop by and expressing your thoughts. You helped remind me of how difficult the situation was. I imagine I was more in love with the "idea" of getting back together.

Schoolbus
Thanks for this. You know I have a feeling she is going to repeat something she told me some time ago. "I did not get here by myself". Inferring that I pushed her into behaving this way because I fell short. I have a sense that she is going to continue to feel entitled. So unfortunately I guess I will be looking at keeping that bus rolling down the highway as you say.

According to my daughter who suggested if she was not having a good time why doesn't she hop on a plane and come home. And her response was "I have to see this through". As I write this the picture is getting clearer. It sure helps to get the feedback like this to cut through the fog.

Bless you
BCBoy

Hmm.

I think your Plan B is not as dark as it needs to be - otherwise you would not know she said this. She should be on her knees begging and pleading for a chance to reconcile not uttering idle musings.

I's stay the course of the divorce right now...

BCB, I am going to ask you a very pointed question. Don�t you think it is time to quit lying to yourself? I mean really. You ARE LYING TO YOURSELF. I mentioned earlier for you to look at the data, but clearly you are not really looking at the data.

Consider what your own children are saying about their mother and their interactions with her. Do you think that is YOUR fault that she treats them in such a way that they �don�t miss her�? Do you think all the people you meet that don�t really know you, are lying to you? Do you think all of the people here are lying to you?

Do any of us have a reason to lie to you? No! we don�t. But one person does have a reason to lie to you, and that is your W. She lied about her affair. She has lied for years about your control of HER behavior and choices (you have little to NONE my friend). Why is she lying? : to cover up her own failures as a W, a mother and a human being. She is the one person in your life that has reason to lie and she is the ONLY person you seem to be listening to. And you know this.

So you continue to lie to yourself about the data. The data is clear. Those closest to you (your children) feel their life is enhanced and surely not worsened by her absence. You would very likely feel and enjoy your life much better if you were in the presence of a woman that actually loved you and respected you. Your W is not that person. Could she become that person? Yes, she could but you will NEVER know because you are lying to yourself and accepting her lies. Any good marriage MUST be based on honesty and it starts with HONESTY to oneself. Your marriage has no chance because you are lying to yourself, therefore you cannot accurately assess or address the issues in your marriage.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL