|
|
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 183
Member
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 183 |
10 freaking pages to find out BS is an OM.
**edit**
Last edited by Revera; 03/18/10 07:51 PM. Reason: TOS disrespectful
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 183
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 183 |
**edit**
Last edited by Revera; 03/18/10 07:52 PM. Reason: TOS disrespectful
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 31
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 31 |
I think he probably calls her or texts her every few days just to keep up the relationship so when he's got nothing better to do he can call my wife and go out to dinner, and then screw her brains out. I don't get it. You seem so relaxed about this. I am very realistic about what things I have an effect on and can change. At this point, there is nothing I can do to convince my wife to forget about her emotional attachment with the OM. She has a very primitive way of thinking and basically every important decision she makes is a reaction to whatever emotion she happens to be feeling at the moment. She has no skills to rationalize and use logic so she can make good decisions that affect her long term happiness. My wife will invent stories to support anything that she happens to want or need. For example, my wife keeps telling me that her relationship with the OM is not what I think because they only see each other every fews weeks and that they only slept together once, and she acts like her relationship with the OM should not bother me because of this. It's just crazy how she can rationalize things. She also told me the only reason she slept with the OM is because she was mad at me. It is absolutely futile to try to reason with her. She is the perpetual victim. Her life is a total mess because of this. I convinced my wife to start therpy so she could learn the decision making skills she needs for long term happiness. My wife is starting therapy today and I told her I would pay for that. That's a good first step for her to get on the path to a happier life, but it's gonna be a long long road for her to learn the skills she needs to make good decisions in life.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 31
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 31 |
Just some additional info, I met my wife when she was married to her first husband and I was the other man. I hope you go to sleep tonight with mental movies of OM banging your wife and her loving it! Karma I do have that image every day and night. And it's horrible. Yes I am getting the revenge I deserve. I made a mistake and I was wrong, and I will have to live with that mistake for the rest of my life. Maybe you can change that tonight and think about the BJ's instead? This kind of talk is not productive at all. I realize many of you have alot of anger and resentment toward your spouse's lover, but I am not the source of your problems. So let's not turn this thread into a mud slinging event that provides no useful information for anyone.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449 |
You have a much bigger problem on your hands than OM. Here is what Dr. Harley says about affairages. I've read through your original question and the responses you've received, and almost to a responder, they are warning you about what happens to relationship that originated as an affair. I have counseled hundreds of these couples and am presently counseling couples that married after an affair, and I can tell you from first-hand experience, and their own unsolicited comments, that if they had put the same effort into their marriages, they would be happily married to their original spouses today.
While it's true that there are happy marriages that start as affairs, they are in the minority. Only about 5% of all affairs end in marriage, and only about 1/3 of those marriages survive the first five years. You probably have one chance in 100 of turning this marriage into a successful relationship, and you're off to a terrible start in spite of your love and commitment.
I have a theory about why marriage after an affair is so unsuccessful, but the fact that they're unsuccessful is well documented. My main contention is that for whatever reasons, those who have affairs tend not to follow one of my cardinal principles for marriage: The Policy of Joint Agreement (never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse). They tend to do what they please without considering each other's feelings. While that may not apply to both members of the relationship, it almost always applies to at least one of them. Your friend's affair with another man in the beginning your your relationship is evidence that she's not thinking about your interests.
I try very hard to keep these marriages together, in spite of the fact that there is such a low probability of success. If I thought I would fail, I wouldn't be wasting my time. And yet, I have had very little success. I keep thinking that I will eventually find a way to succeed.
There are so many obsticles to overcome. In addition to failure to follow the POJA, there is also a marked failure to follow the Policy of Radical Honesty. They tend to be incredibly dishonest, in spite of the fact that they start out thinking they can look right into each other's very souls.
But there is one other issue that is terribly relevant to your situation: Blended families. I read a research report recently that claimed that only 15% of all marriages with children from another relationship survive for 25 years (on average about 50% of all marriages survive for 25 years). Again, from my perspective, the culprit is failure to follow the POJA. Instead of making joint decisions regarding the children, unilateral decisions are made. This ultimately leads to fights and constant turmoil. After the children are grown, however, the conflict does not end. In many cases, advantages continue to be given to children by the natural parent at the expense of the step-parent.
I'm sure that your counselor has been encouraging your wife to negotiate with you so that you can reach a joint agreements regarding her children, but to no avail. And I've experienced the same thing. In spite of a blended family couple's willingness to follow the POJA when I talk to them, when it comes to a decision that will affect the welfare of their children, the commitment is broken.
The advice you have been receiving on the Forum focuses attention on your affair. I've written quite a bit on that topic, and many of the responders have read it. In general, I warn people to avoid an affair because if the very same problems you are facing. And if a vast amount of research and my own professional experience can be trusted, it happens to 99% of those who try to make an affair last.
While it's very unlikely that you will follow my advice because you're in love with "Jane," leaving this relationship, and restoring your relationship with your first wife is the wisest choice. But if you want to know how you can be the 1% that thrives in spite of the obsticles you face, my advice is that you both learn to follow the POJA with every decision you make, including those with the children. If those decisions are made with mutual care, you may be able to figure out how to make the rest of your relationship work.
Best wishes
Willard F. Harley, Jr.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 183
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 183 |
This kind of talk is not productive at all. I realize many of you have alot of anger and resentment toward your spouse's lover, but I am not the source of your problems. So let's not turn this thread into a mud slinging event that provides no useful information for anyone. Don't make the mistake that I want to be 'productive' for you. That's plain silly. I'm HAPPY you got what you dealt.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
I am very realistic about what things I have an effect on and can change. At this point, there is nothing I can do to convince my wife to forget about her emotional attachment with the OM. She has a very primitive way of thinking and basically every important decision she makes is a reaction to whatever emotion she happens to be feeling at the moment. She has no skills to rationalize and use logic so she can make good decisions that affect her long term happiness. My wife will invent stories to support anything that she happens to want or need. For example, my wife keeps telling me that her relationship with the OM is not what I think because they only see each other every fews weeks and that they only slept together once, and she acts like her relationship with the OM should not bother me because of this. It's just crazy how she can rationalize things. She also told me the only reason she slept with the OM is because she was mad at me. It is absolutely futile to try to reason with her. She is the perpetual victim. Her life is a total mess because of this. I'm not sure why you think this is different from the stories of the other folks here who survived an affair...
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 3,093
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 3,093 |
Ok Tex,
I will, for the moment, bypass the fact that you are in an affairriage.
More on that later.
Your wife has been "on her own" since last Sept, and she doesn't need your money to live on (at least for now). You're asking what you can do to get her back.
The basic rules for guys are simple: Don't act like a wimp. Don't beg. Don't look weak. Do the best that you can to meet her needs when she is around you.
But in your case, my guess is that she is basically the kind of woman who is a serial cheater who easily becomes bored with guys and wants to "feel sexy" with men. That's why she moves on to the next affair - because she needs the excitement of being in a secret and illicit relationship to feel wanted and needed, to feel sexy and fulfilled.
You did that when the two of you hooked up. There was a high level of romance when the two of you first met. Clandestine meetings, lots of romantic talk between the two of you, and close intimate conversations with secretive and furtive interactions. This created for her a heightened sense of importance and intimacy - which she craves. That shine faded after the affair came to light, the two of you were married, and time and real life wore it all down. So now she's on to the new affair.
It's a cycle she is unlikely to break - because she thrives on it.
You want advice to get her back? A reasonable person would tell you to follow MB, because you are here.
I'm usually fairly reasonable. BUT, in your case, you have a different kind of woman...don't you?
My advice will be a little different.
Be the other man - again.
Do the very same things you USED to do when you had an affair with her the first time around.
Those same things will work.
She thrives on drama.
Give it to her. Make her choose.
Only....my guess is....if this current OM has more money....you will lose.
Sorry.
SB
Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support.
Recovered.
Happy.
Most recent D-day Fall 2005
Our new marriage began that day. Not easily, but it did happen.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 3,686
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 3,686 |
You were the Other Man?
Well no wonder she cheated.
You have no right to be upset that you got what you gave.
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 31
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 31 |
You have a much bigger problem on your hands than OM. Here is what Dr. Harley says about affairages. I've read through your original question and the responses you've received, and almost to a responder, they are warning you about what happens to relationship that originated as an affair. I have counseled hundreds of these couples and am presently counseling couples that married after an affair, and I can tell you from first-hand experience, and their own unsolicited comments, that if they had put the same effort into their marriages, they would be happily married to their original spouses today.
While it's true that there are happy marriages that start as affairs, they are in the minority. Only about 5% of all affairs end in marriage, and only about 1/3 of those marriages survive the first five years. You probably have one chance in 100 of turning this marriage into a successful relationship, and you're off to a terrible start in spite of your love and commitment.
I have a theory about why marriage after an affair is so unsuccessful, but the fact that they're unsuccessful is well documented. My main contention is that for whatever reasons, those who have affairs tend not to follow one of my cardinal principles for marriage: The Policy of Joint Agreement (never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse). They tend to do what they please without considering each other's feelings. While that may not apply to both members of the relationship, it almost always applies to at least one of them. Your friend's affair with another man in the beginning your your relationship is evidence that she's not thinking about your interests.
I try very hard to keep these marriages together, in spite of the fact that there is such a low probability of success. If I thought I would fail, I wouldn't be wasting my time. And yet, I have had very little success. I keep thinking that I will eventually find a way to succeed.
There are so many obsticles to overcome. In addition to failure to follow the POJA, there is also a marked failure to follow the Policy of Radical Honesty. They tend to be incredibly dishonest, in spite of the fact that they start out thinking they can look right into each other's very souls.
But there is one other issue that is terribly relevant to your situation: Blended families. I read a research report recently that claimed that only 15% of all marriages with children from another relationship survive for 25 years (on average about 50% of all marriages survive for 25 years). Again, from my perspective, the culprit is failure to follow the POJA. Instead of making joint decisions regarding the children, unilateral decisions are made. This ultimately leads to fights and constant turmoil. After the children are grown, however, the conflict does not end. In many cases, advantages continue to be given to children by the natural parent at the expense of the step-parent.
I'm sure that your counselor has been encouraging your wife to negotiate with you so that you can reach a joint agreements regarding her children, but to no avail. And I've experienced the same thing. In spite of a blended family couple's willingness to follow the POJA when I talk to them, when it comes to a decision that will affect the welfare of their children, the commitment is broken.
The advice you have been receiving on the Forum focuses attention on your affair. I've written quite a bit on that topic, and many of the responders have read it. In general, I warn people to avoid an affair because if the very same problems you are facing. And if a vast amount of research and my own professional experience can be trusted, it happens to 99% of those who try to make an affair last.
While it's very unlikely that you will follow my advice because you're in love with "Jane," leaving this relationship, and restoring your relationship with your first wife is the wisest choice. But if you want to know how you can be the 1% that thrives in spite of the obsticles you face, my advice is that you both learn to follow the POJA with every decision you make, including those with the children. If those decisions are made with mutual care, you may be able to figure out how to make the rest of your relationship work.
Best wishes
Willard F. Harley, Jr. I know all of this already. All of the problems listed by Dr. Harley have plagued my current marriage. My wife has put her two adult daughters over me nearly 100% of the time. This has been a huge problem. My wife is also not an honest person, although she tells me she is very honest (I think she actually believes this). My wife constantly engages in lies, delusions, and distortion of facts to justify whatever goal she is trying to accomplish. For example, she claims the affair we had was all my fault and she claims she was not at fault at all. The reality is she told me she was getting a divorce the first day I met her, and then she vigorously pursued me and seduced me, and I resisted for a very long time until she wore me down and I allowed myself to fall into her trap. She actually cried hysterically begging me to sleep with her. That got me and I lost my self control. After two months into the affair, I told her I did not want to see her anymore unless she got a divorce. I told her to only divorce if that is what SHE wanted and to not divorce her husband for me. Six months later I called her and she told me her divorce was almost final. One month later she was divorced and we started seeing each other again. But her version of the story is I am the one that destroyed her family and ruined her marriage. She cannot accept any responsibility for her actions. As said earlier, my wife is a very screwed up person and I know I would be better off without her in my life. Being with her is non-stop drama, and I hate drama. But my wife has a extremely wonderful side to her and this is the person I fell in love with.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
I made a mistake and I was wrong, and I will have to live with that mistake for the rest of my life.
That detail should have been revealed immediately. 
You are just as deceptive today as you were when you were the OM.
Work on this. Your dishonesty.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 31
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 31 |
You were the Other Man?
Well no wonder she cheated.
You have no right to be upset that you got what you gave. I'm really not that upset anymore. I have suffered greatly for 3 months and I have reached the point now where I could not take the abuse and uncertainty anymore. I wanted to force an outcome today, and I think I got my desired result by sending the email to the OM. So my wife now knows she needs to make a decision one way or the other. I am not putting up with this indecisiveness on her part anymore. I am at the point where I have made a decision that I need a 100% commitment from my wife that she wants to work on our marriage, or I need to start my healing now and work toward a fresh start. I can't live in limbo anymore.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357 |
You were the Other Man?
Well no wonder she cheated.
You have no right to be upset that you got what you gave. I'm really not that upset anymore. I have suffered greatly for 3 months and I have reached the point now where I could not take the abuse and uncertainty anymore. I wanted to force an outcome today, and I think I got my desired result by sending the email to the OM. So my wife now knows she needs to make a decision one way or the other. I am not putting up with this indecisiveness on her part anymore. I am at the point where I have made a decision that I need a 100% commitment from my wife that she wants to work on our marriage, or I need to start my healing now and work toward a fresh start. I can't live in limbo anymore. Well, okay, then. You did what you wanted to do. How it plays out is not in your control. You really don't need our advice, and you've shown that you really have no interest in taking it. So...I won't give any to you, except to say: if she does possibly decide to return to you (doubtful, given the facts) you should read up on how to heal your M. It IS possible to have a good, healthy M that is an affairage, but you both will have a lot of work to do. Good luck.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986 |
Well then I guess you can just sit back and watch your marriage die the death of a thousand cuts OR you can continue on with exposure and watch the affair die. It doesn't stop there by the way, there is a PLAN to follow, but if you don't get the first part right, you may as well do nothing.
Your call. You seem resistant to the advice you're being given. Look, this advice isn't new. It's tried and PROVEN to be your BEST chance at recovering your marriage -- unless of course you're too afraid to take any further action.
Go ahead, believe that OM will back off if you sit and do nothing else, but I'll bet you $50 bucks that your way will get you nothing but divorced. The OM is an attorney. He can make my life a living hell with just a few minutes of his time and it won't cost him any attorney fees. Plus he worked for the Governor in a very high ranking position. He could pick up the phone and have the police raid my house and plant some drugs if he wanted to. You don't play around with people like this. Sadly this is the reality of the country we live in. Regardless of how much I love my wife, I have to draw the line somewhere as to the extent of suffering and pain I am willing to endure to get her back. I live a pretty good life and outside of my marriage I really don't have any problems. I do not want to create more problems for myself other than what I am going through with my wife. I am not going to risk my longterm personal happiness and well being for the chance that maybe my wife will decide to come back to me. I am not willing to cross that line where I begin a mud slinging campaign against my wife's affair to anyone and everyone associated with my wife and the OM. Hmm, well if that isn't a coincidence. My boss happens to run in that circle. In fact, he just returned from serving a stint working directly for the governor and they remain very good friends. Bet I know OM.
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 4,554
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 4,554 |
From what I know about you, you seem to be a decent man. I'm sure you can understand my position and I hope that you will respect my request. Wimpy, wimpy, wimpy! And now he's copied that to your WW. If you wanted your WW to lose more respect for you, I think you may have achieved it. If you want your WW to come back, you'll need to FIGHT for her, by doing a PROPER EXPOSURE, not wimping out like that, because it makes you look WEAK.
ManInMotion
===========
(see "MiM's Story" for more details)
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 31
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 31 |
I made a mistake and I was wrong, and I will have to live with that mistake for the rest of my life.
That detail should have been revealed immediately.
You are just as deceptive today as you were when you were the OM.
Work on this. Your dishonesty.
We're having a discussion. All facts are never revealed in the opening statement. There was nothing intensionally deceptive about it. I am disclosing all of the facts as they are requested. Some of you guys are extremely critical and seem to enjoy pointing fingers of blame at any opportunity. Also some of you seem to enjoy the misfortune of others. This approach is not mature dialog.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
There was nothing intensionally deceptive about it.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 183
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 183 |
Also some of you seem to enjoy the misfortune of others. Guilty!! Not others, just you, an OM. ** deleted profanity **
Last edited by Snakedoctor; 03/18/10 05:58 PM. Reason: TOS violation
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986 |
Whew boy, if you sent that email to his work address (or even to his personal email that he checks at work), you can betcha it remains on the server. Hmmm, I know some people, that know some people... Nah, never mind. It's apparent that you're not for real anyway.
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 31
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 31 |
Whew boy, if you sent that email to his work address (or even to his personal email that he checks at work), you can betcha it remains on the server. Hmmm, I know some people, that know some people... Nah, never mind. It's apparent that you're not for real anyway. I did send it to his work email. I am not for real? What does that mean?
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
0 members (),
716
guests, and
44
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
|
