l2s: your experience has me terrified about remarriage. What happened or what did you discover in your 2nd marriage that caused things to fall apart? Were the warning signs during dating that you ignored or did H2 just do a 180 after marriage?

l2s: your experience has me terrified about remarriage. What happened or what did you discover in your 2nd marriage that caused things to fall apart? Were the warning signs during dating that you ignored or did H2 just do a 180 after marriage?

Please don't allow my experience to color your perspective.

Yes, I saw warning signs and plenty of them but, I was lonely and he was the first guy that asked me out. I'm not a bubbly outgoing person and don't really put myself out there as available; didn't then and don't now.

He was incredibly charming (still is) and, in my opinion, quite handsome. There was an instant connection between us and I was instantly at ease because I knew people that knew him.

I had lots of ideals about the relationship I wanted, how fast I wanted it to progress and, if we moved toward marriage, how long I wanted to be engaged before we got married. Well, when "push came to shove" and he started pushing me faster than I wanted to go, all my ideals went out the window and I caved on everything. So much for my boundaries. That was the beginning of all my troubles. He then knew that all he had to do was push and I would give in and that happened a lot.

There were lots of warning signs.
1) He told me he had an A but it was only out of revenge against his first XW b/c she had cheated on him and kept accusing him of cheating. Later, I learned that he had cheated on her not her on him.

2) He told me he loved me about one month after we started dating.

3) Pushed on becoming intimate and said if I didn't he would find someone who would.

I should have stood my ground but, I was very much infatuated by the time some of this came up. I had been so lonely and then here was this great guy and I refused to see what was evident to others. My family subtly tried to talk me into waiting to get married but, he was pushing so we got married 7 months after we met.

A lot of what happened was due to my lack of boundaries and backbone.

I am still hopeful that there is a good guy out there and I'm sure there is. I just need to be healthy enough to see him when he comes along.

Yeah, setting boundaries and then sticking to them seems to be critical.

I was with a bunch of friends the past two days and they kept asking me, once the D is final, how long until I start dating? Certainly I've pondered it a lot but the best answer I can come up with is "when I'm ready." And for me, being "ready" means being comfortable with the situation, not feeling needy and being able to date without instant infatuation.

The last thing I want is a repeat of this all over again.

I believe there are some good men and women out there. I refuse to believe otherwise. Our task is to be recovered, healthy and in control of our lives so that we can be available and receptive to the good ones.
The boundary issue is a big one. Plus, you need to know what you expect out of a relationship and then don't lower your standards. If I had done that I would be in a much better place right now and would hopefully still be blissfully ignorant of a website named Marriage Builders.
Boy if only I could take and apply the advice that I can so freely give.

I don't know if I will ever have closure. WH/STBX is still in relationship with OW. We have a child and the thought that my child is going to be involved with both of them in a family setting just makes me want to scream. It is like they are not going to have any repercussions to blowing our family apart.
He is trying to find way in divorce to try to make me stay in area and that I have threatened to take our child away. I have always told him we could reconcile, not reconcile and divorce and try to stay in area or divorce and I go back to my family where I have better support than I have with him now. He says he will help with whatever but then when i've offended him or have not treated him the way he feels I should treat him. She is still married, what kind of example is that for our child? It galls me to no end. someone commented to me that he is being a bad husband but can still be a good father-I can't agree when he is being fun parent when he has her but I am the one who takes care of our child. I hope I can find closure because the thought of having to deal with him due to our child just makes me ill.
BS-41
WH-43
D-5
M-20 years
DD-9/26/08
asked WH to leave 01/09, attempted reconcilation but WH was only going through motions
he filed for divorce 10/06/09
hope to have divorce finalized before 21 anniversary

To me getting closure is not blaming yourself for what happened. You won't find closure if you continue to try to figure what happened and what went wrong. You'll have to find closure within yourself. Just like anything else in one's past, divorce will always stay with you.