My soul-mate, with whom I have an almost 3 year old daughter, was gone for three years missing her birth while he was incarcerated for computer hacking. I found out I was pregnant a week after he left. I have a haunted childhood and this was very hard for me.

I was very lonely during this time, and though I vowed to wait for him, I began cheating on him online after one year(5 months after my daughter was born)...I even made some videos which I know will haunt us forever and I still can't believe I did. Cheating on him with a co-worker and with a friend in reality a year after the online stuff. I told him about the cheating I had done in reality while he was away. He was sad but forgave me but I continued to cheat online. He was still away and I was still lonely. I did abstain from the cheating online for 3 months but I felt lonely again and went back online. He came home about 9 months ago. He's on probation and was not allowed to touch a computer which has given me the time to think about my infidelity. I told him a few days ago about EVERYTHING because it was causing me to take my tension and anger out on him and I could no longer carry the guilt I had hidden away.

He is sad, and so am I. I hate that I did this to him and am literally torn apart inside to the point where I can't eat and he is very worried about me. Though we are both hurt, we want to work things out. Part of it, he says, is because we have a daughter, and part of it is because he loves me so much.

I have told him that I will do anything and everything he wants me to do to help us get through this. I've been pouring over books trying to understand myself. I don't want to be the person I have been in the past and am seeking a better understanding of myself and a better understanding of how to proceed in the future. We want so much, to keep us together. I want so much to be the woman I was before he left. I have cheated in previous relationships, but I've never cheated on him when he was home.

I feel like I've destroyed the most perfect love I could ever have asked for and I want so much to be a better person. I feel so ugly inside that looking in the mirror makes me want to vomit.

Please, if anyone out there has been through anything similar, help me. We want to stay together, and I have no intention of cheating on him in the future and will do anything to insure I don't. I really need help. I have offended him in every way...he's very conservative...I've even offered to make his hottest fantasy (a threesome with me and another girl of his choosing) come true. I will do anything and everything to make amends. I've heard, from what I've read, that it can be better than before once a relationship can get past the betrayal. I hope this is true. Please help.

-Torn Apart

It's Friday.

Welcome to Marriage Builders

Be sure to post your threesome video on the internet.

... oopsie.

'cuse me

Two households, both alike in dignity,
In fair Verona, where we lay our scene,
From ancient grudge break to new mutiny,
Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean.
From forth the fatal loins of these two foes
A pair of star-cross'd lovers take their life;
Whole misadventured piteous overthrows
Do with their death bury their parents' strife.
The fearful passage of their death-mark'd love,
And the continuance of their parents' rage,
Which, but their children's end, nought could remove,
Is now the two hours' traffic of our stage;
The which if you with patient ears attend,
What here shall miss, our toil shall strive to mend.

All conservative old fashioned family value type guys want a threesome.

I LOL when I read that too!

You gotta love those ultra-conservative convicted felons who fantasize about having a threesome with their cheating girlfriend and another woman.

Can everything in a relationship be better than before after a betrayal?

Uh, not like that it can't.

not cool...I'm really hurt and seeking advice. I hope you got a good laugh out of rubbing salt in my wound. I pity the person that has to find comedy in kicking those who are already down. I wish you happiness in future days so that you might spare the downtrodden souls.

Speak for yourself.

Well of course it has to be a very (multiple) wholesome threesome.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

This is what blew everyone away.


How can you help someone get over an affair, a conservative kinda guy, with THAT fantasy? Fantasy is why people often have affairs. Before I read any other replies, I read that one and it blew...me...away.

Now take that thought you had, carefully put it in the toilet and flush it where it belongs. Read, read, read all the stuff that is here to read. Try to convince your guy that you really didn't mean a threesome. That is just, uh, too immature for the light of day.

Got it? I do wish you well.

Larry

Will Mels' talking therapeutic billy goat be there?

GBF:
Sorry, but you need to get yourself to Sexaholics Anonymous.
Bad childhood? Check
Early to have sexual adventures? Check
Babies? Check
Hanging out with a "bad sort" Check
Movies of oneself, posted or paid for? Check
Willing to "do anything" to gain acceptance? Check

Do you think we are being mean? Take the test at SA. See if you don't score on the high side....
This isn't about fixing your relationship with your "soulmate" this is about fixing YOU and being a better role model for YOUR child then what was modeled for you....

All your behaviors are your choices. Time to start making better ones...

LG

GB,

Okay, let's assume for just a moment that you need help.

I will be hitting you very hard here because sometimes help takes the form of a 2 X 4, and apparently you need one.

First of all, you are obviously an unmarried mother who has not been faithful to an incarcerated felon.

You have offered, by way of make-up sex, to have another AFFAIR. To be truthful, you somehow believe that having this affair by including your boyfriend in the affair it somehow makes this activity "acceptable" and fits within your description of "conservative".

Just so you fully and completely understand: "conservative" people MARRY their spouses PRIOR to sexual activity and/or becoming impregnated, do not commit felonies, and do not make requests and/or offers for additional sexual partners to join them in the marital bed.

I had to put that in there, because your definition of "conservative" and that of the general population do not mesh. Point of clarity.

You are asking for advice on how to repair this relationship.


You are unmarried, obviously young, and without experience in a faithful relationship.

My advice:

1. Move home where your child can receive ADULT support and stability from older people who can provide some measure of a role model. I pray that the grandparents are in the picture and offer reasonable facsimiles of stable people. Perhaps they are "conservative". If not, please, expose the child to church daycare, where your kid can at least get the concept of what stable people LOOK and SOUND LIKE. Perhaps you might like to watch them, as they might fascinate you as well, and you could try to mimick them. (Sorry, that was sarcastic.)

2. Do not try to solve this relationship's problems without growing up first. I would suggest that you get some real professional counseling for yourself, given that you admit childhood issues - which you obviously have not begun to address. You cannot begin to have a relationship unless you solve whatever it is that you are facing - and haven't even faced.

3. Your baby daddy needs to be able to have some sort of foundation in his life as well. A person capable of a felony is probably not the best choice for a husband - and you might want to rethink your plans there. There are lots of other soulmates who won't rob other people, don't you think?????