Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 2 1 2
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,513
C
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,513
Any MB veterans have any ideas about how to work on eliminating LBs and fulfilling ENs while the spouse is deployed? I was kind of surprised that I did not see any info about this in the Military Marriages room. smile

Love Busters
1. Selfish Demands
2. Disrespectful Judgments
3. Angry Outbursts
4. Annoying Habits
5. Independent Behavior
6. Dishonesty


Emotional Needs
1. Affection
2. Sexual Fulfillment
3. Conversation
4. Recreational Companionship
5. Honesty and Openness
6. Physical Attractiveness
7. Financial Support
8. Domestic Support
9. Family Commitment
10. Admiration


This is tough. Most of these require some sort of physical presence. Even in the case of a couple who is separated (living separately because they are prepping for a divorce), one can easily pick up the phone or mail things..maybe stop by to visit if invited, etc. Not the case with a deployed spouse.

I can see where during telephone conversations (if you are lucky enough to have them) you can avoid LB 1, 2, 3, and 5 or give EN 1, 5, 7, 9, and 10...but with a Deployment & the need for the household (and you!) to keep going, IBing is almosta must while AHs are virtually a non-issue and SF is on hold.

When the deployment ends and your spouse returns, your spouse may go into IB mode to cope. Your spouse may even have PTSD making him / her withdraw emotionally from you.

How do MB prinicple address these issues which are unique to military couples?


Last edited by ChrisInNOVA; 03/13/10 06:26 PM.
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 491
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 491
I've been wondering the exact same thing. Thank you for asking and I'll keep checking for answers.

Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 491
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 491
I've been wondering the exact same thing. Thank you for asking and I'll keep checking for answers.

Joined: May 2008
Posts: 2,587
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 2,587
Dr. Harley started this forum to answer those kinds of questions. If I recall correctly, he was looking for long-term successful military marriages. There were some people on here who had heard of long-term military marriages, but no posters of how to actually do it. Everything was wiped out in the server crash Fall 2009.

From my perspective, H and I had 30 year and 28 year Army careers. During peacetime, it was possible to deal with the stresses that come with military life. Since 2003, with multiple deployments and long separations, the M fell apart without us even noticing. We both retired in 2008 and have been working on recovery ever since. It has been the most difficult time in both our lives


I cannot name one long-term successful military marriage.

AM

Last edited by armymama; 03/14/10 09:45 AM.

BW - 65
WH - 60
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
DD - 44, DS - 30, DS - 23
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,513
C
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,513
AM,

I can't name one successful marriage in real life. I mean - sure - Dr. Phil claims to have a successful marriage and the Harley men make this claim too - but these are not people I know in real life.

What I mean by that is: There are no married couples I know who seem to be truly in love and happy with each other - military or not.

It seems like everyone has issues, either they just stay because it's what they know ...or for the kids...or because they are afraid to be in the dating game again....or maybe because they fear financial ruin / lifestyle changes.

I was hoping someone would have something to help the military folks, but this thread has been up a few days now with no substantive replies. frown

Anyway - retired mil couples are not "in" the military anymore, so their marriages are not plagued with the physical separation issues that the active duty folks are. The MB principles should be able to help them...


Last edited by ChrisInNOVA; 03/14/10 05:51 PM.
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 491
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 491
I've asked my hubby if he knew of any couple who are still happily married and he could not for the life of him think of one couple - other than the ones who are just starting out with a year or less of marriage.

Every couple he knew at least one person had cheated and the marriage is over, and at least 2 who are miserable in their marriages but as one of his friends put it "it's too late to do anything about it now."

Makes me sad...

Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,513
C
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,513
In another thread MelodyLane said Dr H examined this issue and found no solution.

This is bad news...very bad news.

I guess my DH and I are lucky we made it 10 years and lucky to be retired now. Hopefully the damage is not irreversible.

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted By: ChrisInNOVA


I guess my DH and I are lucky we made it 10 years and lucky to be retired now. Hopefully the damage is not irreversible.


Chris, doesn't your H want a divorce, though?

I do agree the damage is reversible. Dr Harley talks about case studies of couples who hated each other and their marriages were turned around.

The only people I know who have truly happy, passionate marriages are folks I have met through Marriage Builders, including Dr Harley and his wife and Steve Harley and his wife.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,513
C
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,513
Originally Posted By: MelodyLane


Chris, doesn't your H want a divorce, though?


Please click here

Last edited by ChrisInNOVA; 03/20/10 04:47 PM.
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted By: ChrisInNOVA
Originally Posted By: MelodyLane


Chris, doesn't your H want a divorce, though?


Please click here


Didn't you come here because your H said he wanted a divorce? Did I misunderstand that?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,513
C
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,513
Sorry Moderators, I'll rephrase.


Melody Lane, did you click the link? Not that you have to read my story if you don't want to - but considering all that I have shared I considered your question to be very disrespectful.

My perception is that the folks here think military marriages are a lost cause. Someone even alluded to the belief that military people should get married. It's your right to think whatever you wish, but it is very cruel considering what military people sacrifice for all of us. Imagine an active duty person coming to this website for help and reading this:

Your marriage is doomed.
Your marriage should not have even happened.


This is 100% awful.

moderators note: for future reference, it is against our TOS to remove moderator edits. We will leave this post this time, but in the future, please do not edit your post after we have edited it.


Last edited by Fireproof; 03/21/10 12:51 PM. Reason: TOS - personal attack, removed moderators edit TWICE - do not edit this post again
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Chris, my post was not meant to be disrespectful, but yours WAS. It was a personal attack.

It is not disrespectful to point out that military marriages have a extraordinary high rate of divorce and to actively seek solutions. That is what this forum is for, after all. To find solutions. And solutions cannot be found if the truth is not faced. No one said "your marriage is doomed." In fact, my post stated the opposite, that the "damage is not irreversible." crazy

p.s. I didn't click on the link because my comment addressed the reason you came to the forum. I don't need to click on the link for that.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,513
C
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,513
Yes it WAS disrespctful and I apologize to you and to the moderators (once more)for that. I was upset and I reacted. Since my post was inappropriate, I changed the wording & I believe that at this point my thoughts are laid out in a more respectful manner.

You didn't click the link because you don't feel you have to. Check. Thanks for being honest. Hopefully, other people are still reading my story and watching out for me as I am trying to do MB. Maybe I can still get a few helpful responses and support for my situation.

Anyway, it doesn't appear that the Harley's are currently working on a solution to help military couples. I read here that they couldn't find any successful military couples to study.

To me, the responses here to my questions about that seem to be:

Military marriages are doomed.
Military marriages shouldn't take place.

No one typed those out specifically - but, infortunately, it's a definite theme which I saw in what was typed out. I have no doubt that other military people who venture into this room will reach the same conclusions. That is extremely disappointing.

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted By: ChrisInNOVA
To me, the responses here to my questions about that seem to be:

Military marriages are doomed.


And this is true, military marriages have an extremely high rate of divorce. [no one ever said they "shouldn't have ever happened" or implied any such thing] There is nothing wrong with stating a true fact.

Dr Harley stated that divorce rates for military marriages are higher than any other marriages. And that is what this forum was set up for, to find solutions. So maybe you can help in that regard?

Ideally, what Dr Harley was searching for was a couple who was able to maintain the romance in their marriage even though separated.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,513
C
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,513
Originally Posted By: MelodyLane
And this is true, many military marriages ARE DOOMED given the extremely high rate of divorce. [no one ever said they "shouldn't have ever happened" or implied any such thing] There is nothing wrong with stating a true fact.





Still going with this? Wow...

Many military marriages are DOOMED

Many military marriages are DOOMED

Many military marriages are DOOMED

Looking around this forum, many marriages period are doomed. But who needs to come here and read that.

I hope to the Almighty God that no active duty people read this thread. They would be in despair.


Quote:
Dr Harley stated that divorce rates for military marriages are higher than any other marriages. And that is what this forum was set up for, to find solutions. So maybe you can help in that regard?

Ideally, what Dr Harley was searching for was a couple who was able to maintain the romance in their marriage even though separated.




You may not have meant your post to be disrespectful, but that is how I took it...along with your subsequent statement about not having to click the link. And now the DOOM post. (sigh)

People here have each other on ignore and I used to think that was silly, but now I can see why some people feel that they have to do it. Sometimes it's easy for certain folks to overlook how a topic may be a sensitive spot for another person, and for some people, sometimes with all the stuff they're going through in our own marriages / lives it's difficult to have empathy for others and understand how something simple they type could cause a big gaping injury to another person.

I am grateful for those folks here who are able to have empathy & for those who were kind enough to take moments out of their time to read my story + help me out by being supportive and providing information to me.

Last edited by ChrisInNOVA; 03/21/10 11:16 AM.
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Chris, feel free to put me on ignore if my posts bother you. It is a widely publicized fact that military divorces are reaching epidemic levels. IT is not "disrespectful" to state a true fact. Dr Harley made the same statement in his initial post when he started this forum in search of solutions.

But the goal here is to turn this trend around by finding solutions. And the first step to finding a solution is to face the truth. The truth is that military divorces are "epidemic" and are on the RISE. They have risen almost every year in the past 9 years. There is nothing "disrespectful" about stating the truth.

Sorry if the truth offends you, but you can always avoid this forum and put me on ignore if you choose. I am ok with that.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,513
C
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,513
To the moderators: Again, I apologize. I understand about the TOS now. Thanks for the clarification:

Do not edit post after mod edits. Got it. smile

Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,513
C
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,513
**************edit***************

Last edited by Fireproof; 03/21/10 11:46 AM. Reason: TOS - badgering, disrespect
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,513
C
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,513
Originally Posted By: markos

I've heard from a number of folks whose husband or wife were deployed, and been forming the conclusion for awhile now that for that reason I would never want to advise someone to marry someone in the military. I know that makes me unamerican or something. But marriage is more important to me than the military.

Then the more I've studied marriage builders, the more I've thought "You can't work these principles under that kind of situation." This has strengthened my initial opinion.

Now, we have many friends who have been in the military, including some with very good marriages. But for most of the examples I can think of, the husband was deployed and the wife was able to be with him, along with any kids. I can name two really good looking marriages I know of like that, and if I think longer I'll bet I can think of more. But living with your husband in base housing is radically different from having your husband deployed to the other side of the world, isn't it?

The only thing I could think to say to people in such a situation is that I know people fall in love over the internet all the time ... even to the point of having an affair. So perhaps while deployed they can deposit as many love units as possible through long distance communication. I would certainly advise it. And I would advise them not to reenlist or anything like that. Again, unpatriotic, I know. But I care more about my friends' marriages than seeing them save the country.

I guess if you're willing to sacrifice your marriage for the country, well, then, you'd have a different set of priorities.

Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 518
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 518
If you have a problem with a poster, please notify the moderators and let us handle it. Stop disrupting the forum and keep your posts relative to the topic rather than the poster!

Page 1 of 2 1 2

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
2 members (ciacci1, 1 invisible), 29 guests, and 60 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mwid, Shepherd, alg, Pelican89, SRL
71,673 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,526
Posts2,322,551
Members71,673
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5