My husband and I have been married for 28 years. I think we were thought of as the super couple. We got along so well, loved each other tremendously, worked side by side at our jobs (in the same room) for 21 years, we did things together... wonderful. We have 2 beautiful children, grown now - soon to be 25 and 26 and we have 3 precious grandchildren. God blessed me in so many ways. I thought we were going to grow old together. We built a house about 10 - 12 years ago. We sold that one and built a beautiful home on our waterfront property. He did most of the work himself. He was so proud of what he had accomplished (of course I was too but because he did it, he had a special pride). We have been in that home for almost 3 years. Well the last year or two years have not been as smooth for us as should have been. It got where we NEVER did anything together anymore. He had gotten serious about some of his hobbies -- fishing and golf. He LOVES to fish and he was always practicing for a tournament or playing golf. Yes, he was definitely in these tournaments and he did play the golf. Things were very strained between us and this last year, there has been very little sex. When I asked him about the sex, he said that "it" just didn't work like it use to. I know I did see a big change and he use to want it all the time. Dumb me, thought that we would work through it and all would be okay. He told me he thought we may need some time apart and maybe it would help our arguing. 2 days later,Friday, 2 weeks ago, I found out he was "talking" to OW by overhearing part of a conversation. Well, I started watching and paying attention. I went to daughter's house and we followed him, checked phone records, blah, blah, blah. Nothing. Well, we checked his truck and found a prepaid cell phone hidden under carpet behind rear seat. Got a phone # and started checking. I put audio recorders in my home and his truck. I could hear all his conversation. I was shocked!! He was telling her her how he loved her and that he didn't love me and never would again. He even told her some of my most private intimate moments of my life! That hurt. They would even laugh and joke about me. It was hard to pretend that all was ok. I talked to a PI because I wasn't sure who it was then -- this woman, her friend or her daughter. She suggested I move back home for a few days. I did and then planned an overnight trip with daughter and her 2 small children to a zoo in another town. Well, the PI got busted right away. She was not very good. He was already suspicious of someone watching him and she just messed up. Anyway, when I got home Sunday afternoon, he said for me to stop playing games. He told me that he had found the PI and also found the recorders and video cameras that I had hidden in the house and his truck. He still didn't know if I knew anything cause he said all he hear was jarbble on them. I had downloaded them to my laptop and offered to play it for him but wouldn't listen. I told him things that he had told her and he knew then that I knew. He said that he had been wanting to get caught so he could end it cause he was tired of all those games. Yeah, right!! He could have just ended it and maybe I would have never known. He said that he "cared" for her but wanted us to work on getting back what we use to have. Said he wanted to try to love me again. I told him that he was just saying that cause he was caught and he didn't want to loose the home that he was so proud of and didn't want his friend to know what a slimeball he was! He has several friends that would NEVER approve of this. Now, he still really hasn't said he was sorry. When I mention that, he start saying that I made him do it. When it comes to sex, all he really wants is a BJ. It is about sex and sex only. He may or may not even kiss me during sex. Definitely no foreplay or anything like that. I am sorry but I need some emotional experience to go along with him. Yes, I like sex but it is not as good or comfortable when you hop in bed and he rolls over and inserts. I begged him to think of me sometimes and turn some music on or light a candle or just cuddle or play around for a bit first. My dream while building our house was the fireplace. I said we had to have one of those so we could have romantic nights in front of it. Like I said, we have been in house for 3 years and have NEVER had sex by fireplace. That hurts. So maybe that is one of the reasons that I didn't perform oral sex on him. I begged him to make it more enjoyable for me. Out of our 28 years of marriage, we have never had any sex toys until just recently. He kept on and so I bought a couple and then he would get upset if I didn't want them or if I didn't use them by myself. I told him I didn't cause I got nothing out of it. He told me I was a liar. That was even discussed with the OW. I am so confused right now and do not know what to do. I love him so much but I don't know that I can live with this. Perhaps if he had come clean earlier and said he wanted us to work things out but not when he has been busted and was just telling her the night before that he loved her and not me. The way he talked about me has hurt so much and I hear it over and over and over. He told me that she like oral sex and it didn't matter to her if he was having problems "getting excited" or not. She would do it anyway. I am going through pure misery right now. I have asked him to leave several times, told him we needed time. But he won't go. Said we have to work on it yet he "tries" to get me worked up I think. He is just so cold and short with me. He still isn't telling me he loves me. The only thing is at night he asks me to come lay with him and let him hold me. Well, stupid me, I just need a hug so bad, that I go and yes, it feels wonderful to have his arms around me. But then I feel stupid for letting him. I told him if it was really over with her, for him to call her right then in front of me and tell her that I knew, it was over, he wanted to work things out with his wife and that he loves his wife. He wouldn't do it. Said he would call her next day but not in front of me. Said he didn't want to hurt her feelings. She has called him every day and he says just to ask if he is ok. I told him that had to stop. He was my husband and it was not ok for her to continue calling. He just looked at me and shook his head. This is NOT the man that I have loved all these years. I don't know this man and I don't like him. How do I trust him that it is over. He seems to be more upset about all the equipment he found and thinks there is more out. Said he didn't like to be spied on!!! Well, I guess not! I am so confused and hurt and don't know what to do. Yes, I would love things to be the way they use to but I don't think that is ever possible again. He has been having this affair for a year or at least that is all he admitted to. I think it was longer than that. Any advice anyone? I need all the prayers I can get, too.

People who are cheating and having dirty affairs DON'T like to be spied on, so he is just like all of the other sleazy cheaters in that regard.

So, did you find out who the OW is? You need to do that, and then expose the affair. Please don't tell hubby that you are going to expose. You need to tell your kids, his family, your family, friends, and the other woman's husband if she has one.

My eyes crossed trying to read your post. Please click the EDIT button under your signature and then scroll down and make paragraphs with double enter at the end of each.

Like I just did. This makes the post easy to read.

Larry

Sherry,

I am sorry that you find yourself in this situation. You are not alone though. There are many on this site who have discovered an affair after many years of marriage. My H started an long term emotional/physical affair after 25 years of M. Many things you wrote in your post struck a chord with me. It has been very hurtful.

I could not tell from your posts if you were able to identify the OW. If not, continue to snoop until you know who she is. If you have figured it out, expose the affair to whomever can help break it up - OW's husband, workplace, her family, your family, etc. I assume your daughter knows.

Right now, your H is "cake eating". He is in "love" and wants you both. Read the acticles on this site and get the book "Surviving an Affair", by Dr. Harley.

Get yourself prepared for battle and that this is nothing that has a quick fix.

Best wishes to you. I am so, so sorry.

AM

Give us a few details:

When was d-day (the day you discovered the affair)?

Have you read the Basic Concepts here - and do you understand what Plan A is?

Have you exposed this affair to anyone?

SB

She doesn't say anything about exposure, the MB way, etc. Not sure if she's done that...

I missed the d-day thing about 2 weeks ago...



Sounds to me like he has just taken his affair a little further underground - he is likely still in contact, or waiting things out until "wifey" settles out so the two can continue.

She needs to do nuclear exposure without warning as soon as she can - to OWH, the family, everyone, globally, so there is nowhere for WH to hide.

Demand for No Contact letter should be on the table - now.

And she should also be in Plan A.

Read the Basic Concepts, Sherry, and start on Plan A work right away if you want to save your marriage. It is possible, but you need to get on track for that. He is in a fog right now, and it looks like he's trying to cake-eat, blame you, and you look to be taking too much blame here.

His affair is 100% his fault. Do not accept anything less. He was there, he made that choice. He could have, and should have, discussed his problems and dissatifaction with YOU - and he chose not to do that. There are other ways to solve problems in a marriage, and this affair did NOT solve anything, did it? He cannot blame you for his choice to have an affair, and you can never accept his blaming you for it - do not go down this path.

You can understand that you did have a role in the state of the marriage PRIOR to the affair, how the marriage was and was not working up to the point of the affair. But his choice to go outside the marriage belongs to HIM and him alone.

You are devastated, pained, hurt beyond belief. You cannot understand this, and your mood swings from moment to moment.

Don't try to make any big decisions right now. Know that your heart may change daily, hourly, even from second to second, and that this is NORMAL.

It takes time to sort out what you think and feel. Take that time, and work on yourself.

Know that you can only understand and control yourself in this crisis - that what he is going through is not under your control, but that you CAN affect what he does by how you react to him and how you interact with him.

Focus on self-control, knowing the process you will be going through as you recover from this blow in your life.

Read Surviving an Affair, and I also recommend After the Affair. They are both very good books, whether you decide to recover the marriage or not.

Either way, you will still need to get yourself back on track. For now, focus on self-recovery, and do not make any quick decisions.

And if you haven't exposed this affair, DO IT. Don't warn him, expose it to OW's Husband, your family, everyone.

Sherry, I am sorry you are here.

I suspect what has happened here is that the affair has just gone further underground temporarily. Any time she contacts him will keep him triggered so that has to stop. The way to stop it is to ask him to send her a no contact letter. [go get Surviving an Affair and it is in there - but I will post a template]

The next thing that should happen is exposure. Exposure is ruinous to affairs because affairs thrive on secrecy. When they are exposed, the affairees see themselves through the eyes of others. The more people who know, the more people to hold him accountable. Exposure should be done without warning to:

Both sets of parents
Children
Close friends and family
the OW�s facebook friends [we have an exposure template for this]

And most importantly, a solid program of recovery is necessary. I would suggest going to a Marriage Builders weekend and/or getting phone coaching with Steve Harley. Marriage Builders is dramatically different from traditional counseling in that a) it really does work and b) its goal is to rebuild romantic love. They use a behavioral approach rather than a feeling based approach, which explains their success over traditional counseling. Tradional counseling sports an 84% failure rate and doesn�t believe you can restore romantic love. Marriage counselors are little more than divorce facilitators and are not even pro=marriage. Steve Harley can achieve in 2 sessions what others cannot do in 20 sessions. He will assess your situation and give you a workable PLAN leading back to romantic love. And it really does work.

It is amazing how these WH are ready to throw away a M of 27 years for a BJ.
I am really starting to develop my own theory that it is all about sex...especially for the men. They really seem to hit that critical age where they stard to have erection problems and think that it depends on the woman they are with. They find willing OW, usually younger, and for a while she is able to do the trick. But inevitably the trick does not last ....
This is such a typical scenario.
I grew up with cheating men, my dad was one and all of his friends were. I was thinking about each and one of them today and bam...it all seemed to match with what I said above...age, sexual potency, etc..
Very sad.
How do these men end up?
A friend of mine says: they end up alone and alcoholics..or together with another woman who is a scary piece of work and still alcoholic.
All my dad's cheating friends ended up dead before age 65 drinking themselves to the grave. My dad too died at age 68, drinkng and smiking himself to the grave. I loved my dad, but it is sad to see how unhappy he was.
blessing

In My case here... I think you have really hit on it...
with my BF for going on 11 years..

3 years ago he had an heart attack...
triple bypass
came real close to not making it..

our sex life was great up to that point..

after the heart attack he had a problem 99% of the time..
I was with him at the doctors
and the doctor told him it happens and there is really nothing they can do for it... Has to do with the lack of blood flow....

I never said anything to make him feel bad I knew he couldn't help it...

Last year in Feb he moved out started seeing OW from work...
I know he had a problem there to because

the PI I hired said he had ordered Viagra ...

to make a long story short he moved back home after 3 months...

Said he loved us here and wanted to make it work
That he was sorry... For all the pain he had caused me here..
Has been back here since May of last year..

He bent over backwards to try and not let me find out about the OW...

He was still seeing us here at least 4 to 5 times a week...
had us to his apartment..
Told me to snoop I would fine nothing
he didn't have women in his apartment... Yeah right

well when I did find out..
He said he knew her from work talked to her there..
And never expected it to go that far..
told him I didn't believe him ...
He told me they were seeing each other less and less not more as the time went on..

To this day I believe it all had to do with the ...
sexual impotency

and I don't think there is anything that will change my mind on that...

Here he knows I say nothing and deal with it...
He says it makes him feel less of a man ..

that I would never understand because I am not a man...


So when I read your post it was like
BINGO
to me... You have a very good point here....

But have to add I am still having problems with him not breaking all contact with the OW as of yet... with email...
he doesn't see her... I can account for all his time...

From what you said you are living together now.
He has to break contact with her and you have to expose this is according to the MB principles and i am sure you know them, if not you need to read about the basics on the MB site.
However, why would you want to stay with an impotent son of a birch like him? you could fare lots better than a loser like that.
The OW is still a fantasy for him and he gets some "help" from her to get it up...the rare time he can. He does not get the same stimulation from you as you are not as much as a novelty like she is.
Impotent man trive on novelty. This is what my dad's best friend told me when I found out my dad was cheating on my mom. I was 30 years old and I was M and had a young kid. He said not to be so disappointed in my dad, that my dad was a nice man, he loved me, but that my dad had heart problems, impotency and thrived on fantasy...and why negate fantasy to a poor man?His words.

I bet a lot of this A on this forum do not have all the hot sex we BS imagine in our minds.
Age, guilt and a good dose of fear do not serve well when the master is below the belt.
blessing

MelodyLane, where can I find the templates you spoke of?

Thank each one of you for your thoughts and suggestions.

NO CONTACT:
here



[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

FACEBOOK EXPOSURE LETTERS - sent to all of the OP's facebook friends via their email link:

Facebook exposure letters

Dear friend of Joe Scumbag,

It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of his friends should know the kind of person he really is. Joe had an affair with my wife, Sally, from Aug until September. I believe that his friends should know this, so you can protect your marriage from him. My wife and I have 2 small daughters and this affair has almost wrecked our marriage.

I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify his parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.

Thank you, BH


Dear friend of Skankyhola,

It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of her friends should be aware that Skanky is having an affair with my husband, Joe. We have been married for 5 years. They have been having this affair since October according to the evidence.
I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.

I would ask that you use your influence with Skanky to persuade her to leave my husband alone. You should also watch your own husbands around her because she is no friend to marriage.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify her parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.
Thank you, BW

Hello all! Just want to give an update.

We are still together as of now. It has been hard, very hard. Some days, all we do is argue, argue, argue. Some days, we get along ok and when it comes to bedtime he may make a remark that to me I think he is trying to get me fired up. I don't know.

I wish I could give him something that he would answer truthfully no matter what he was asked and then maybe I would know his true feelings. To me it seems that at times he is just moping around like he is missing her. Maybe I am reading something into it that is not there. God, am I ever confused.

This morning, he kept asking me my plans for the day. Told him I didn't have any. He wanted to play golf or fish but it was too cold today. I listed several things that we could do together today. One of them was bundle up and go to the golf course and he could play and I would ride in the cart or we could just get a cart and ride around it. Not interested. Well about 30-40 minutes later, he got up and started changing clothes. I asked him what he was gonna do. He said go to golf course and hit some range balls. Never once asked me to go with him.

Couple minutes after that, we had a "private" call on caller ID. I answered (usually he has phone next to him and always answers and tries to pick up before info comes up on caller id) and I could hear someone on there and they hung up. I took phone to him and told him to go ahead and call her back. Of course he swore that it wasn't her cause she would never call the house. Maybe so.

But he has admitted that she still calls him every day but says that she is hurting as bad as I am. I told him I didn't care. She brought this on herself by sleeping with a married man. He thinks I am cruel.

Well, he left and I started thinking. I have had enough. I left him a note telling him that I know he doesn't like to be pushed into anything (wich he has told me that several times and seems like a threat to me) but he had to make a choice - NOW.

It was either her or me. I was sorry if he thought I was being cruel or whatever but as long as she continued to call him, the affair is still going on. He had to make a choice and it would be done my way. If he chose me, there would be NO CONTACT at all. Told him if he was gone when I got back home then I would know his choice. Also told him if he left, there would be no coming back.

Told him he could call me if he wanted, but I haven't heard from him so no sure he will be there when I get home or not.

I don't know if I did the right thing but I can't keep putting myself through this every day wondering if they talked and what did they talk about. Were they still laughing at me and was he telling her about our intimate time together now? Were they laughing at me, is he using me? Just don't want to do this anymore.

He also will not give me my recorders and video camera back. Said I would put them out again. I told him I spent $500 on them and I could return it for the money. He told me to bring boxes and paperwork to him. I told him to forget the $500, I didn't care. He is the one that is money-hungry.

2 nights ago, we had a bad argument which turned into a struggle. I was going to leave and he wouldn't let me out the door. We were pushing and pulling....... I fell down and landed on my rear on the hardwood floor. I have a bad back already. I have been having problems with hips hurting since then and he sorta feels bad now. Especially when he sees the bruises he put on my arms and the bruise and knot on my elbow. He should feel bad!!!

Well, guess I better finish my errands and go home and see if I still have a husband or not. Deep in my heart, I sure hope he is there.

Wish there was a switch we could turn our love on or off for someone. Would make life a lot easier!!!!

Sherry, did you read our posts about exposure?

Sherry, that sounds very alarming. when hurt and anger are so strong, the arguing couple should not get within arm's reach of each other; the risk of hitting out is just too strong. If you were leaving to end the argument (which is the rational thing to do), and your husband restrained you from leaving and scuffled with you leading to a fall and bruises......well, in my book, that is assault and battery.

I hope you take pictures of your injuries and keep them. Tell him that if he ever lays hands on you again, the police will escort him to jail for domestic violence. I also hope that you can have an easy route of escape when you are with him, or can have a third party there during discussions to make sure no one starts swinging.

We never want to believe that our spouse might hurt us, but these are not the people we knew and loved. A stranger is at the controls in his head. He has already shown anger and disrespect to you by his words and actions in his affair. Please make sure that his emotional abuse does not spill over into physical abuse.

Right now, I feel so broken and

Wow, does your story sound like mine or what!! We were married 26 years, actually I found out 9 days before our 26th wedding anniversary.

We too are always/often complimented on our relationship. We are sorta known as the model couple, yeah right!!!

Husband's affair went on for about 2 1/2 months though. I actually thought we had a great marriage. No major problems, no sex problems, no communication problems, not a lot of arguments. Never left him or visa versa. Then out of the blue, BOOM!!!! To this day, him nor I could tell you how we got here.

He just keep telling me that his flesh got the best of him and he got caught up in this situation. Did't go looking for it or anything. I believe that, because if he would have went looking, he would have picked a more attractive woman then he did. Anyway, I'm not gonna give her no play time.

Just thought I would comment because the story sounded familiar. The OW is out of our life now, she is dead to us.