Hi! I'm new to this so I hope I don't scare anyone off with my tale of woe! I feel like I have been functioning as half a person for the past 8 years after I found out my husband had an affair just after our second child was born.

That in itself makes me sick to the stomach - he had the nerve to tell me he felt 'neglected' as I was always looking after a newborn and a 3 year old!!!

I found out about the A after it was over. I discovered a bag of 'gifts' and letters she had written him. This woman became a nightmare for us - constantly ringing up, sometimes in the middle of the night. The phone calls finally stopped around 3 years ago (my husband threatened her with a restraining order) and I thought I began to heal as my husband did seem to be doing all the right things.

I never forgot though and I am wondering if I ever will. Now things have flared up again and I am now really confused as to what to do. In January I discovered my husband's phone bills after they were so large - he had been back in contact with that woman again since March last year!!

When I confronted him he said they bumped into each other at work and are just friends, just someone to chat to about work (they work in the same organisation but different buildings). I hit the roof obviously and he swore black and blue that it was an innocent friendship. I cannot stomach it. I told him that he was incredibly insensitive to me even if it was "innocent".

I don't know what to believe anymore. I have tried to contact this woman to get her side of the story and she won't return my calls. I just want the truth and it is driving me insane.

He says all contact with her has stopped since I found out in January - and he has shown me his phone bills as proof. I still wonder when it will start again. This woman is almost 10 years older than my husband which also freaks me out! I am sure she is still after him and just waits.

We have been married 15 years this year and have two girls (11 and 9) who are the centre of my universe. I so want them to have a good family life. He is a good and involved father which makes it hard too. I feel like a prisoner in my life and I feel like I am slowly dying. I also have a chronic illness which prevents me from working full time, so I worry about money if I leave him. My oldest daughter has just started high school at a really good private school and I would not be able to keep her there on my own.

I do think my husband actually loves me (in his own warped way), and he does try. He is just really immature and selfish. I don't know how I would cope on my own but I am so unhappy. I don't know if I had unrealistic expectations or what. I do know I have a right to expect a faithful husband though and I don't know how many chances I can afford to give him for me to survive as a person. I have been through a lot of bad things in my life and consider myself a very strong person but I am simply not coping.

Sorry for venting and writing so much. I don't feel I can talk to anyone as I don't really want our friends to know. My family all love my husband so I can't talk to them. My mother sadly died 18 years ago yesterday so as you would expect I am particularly missing her at the moment!!!!! Any advice would be most welcome. Is it ever possible to heal and trust again?

Welcome, and sorry you had to find us.

I can answer one question - your marriage won't survive if they are still working together and have contact.

I can't imagine going through this as long as you have. I tried to save my marriage for 4 and a half years, and that almost did me in.

Also wondering why you have protected your sleazy husband from your family by not telling them the truth?

He may have taken the affair further underground with a secret cell phone.

It is possible to heal and trust again but trust must be earned.

Have you told anyone about his affairs? I suggest you ask him to take a polygraph - his reaction will be an indicator of his truthfullness.

It's also essential that they stop working together. Recovery is impossible while they work together as the affair can reignite at any time as you have discovered and it will drive you insane.

Do I have the facts straight?

- You discovered this affair 8 years ago.
- Your husband continued contact for 5 years post your discovery (Is that what you meant when you said, "calls finally stopped around 3 years ago"
- 1 year ago, the affair resurfaced and possibly has continued to today.

Is that correct?

Yes - the OW kept calling our house spasmodically (maybe once every couple of months) until around early 2007 and my husband threatened her with a restraining order (I overheard him on the phone). He "swears" the latest contact was only talking on the phone as "they always got along well as friends" Puke. I have always kept pretty good track of his physical whereabouts after work but of course, cannot keep track of what he gets up to during the actual work day. I cannot surprise him at work as he works in a top secret building and I can't get in!

Jen,
I'm sorry you're here, but you have come to the right place. It's late on a Sunday night for this board but I can assure you that help is on the way.
Take a deep breath. You've been struggling through a wilderness without a map or a guide. Now you have that map (MB) and many experienced guides (we call them "vets" - veteraans) who have been through your situation and have helped countless before you make the best of their situation and even save their marriages.
Read everything you can here including articles from the Article section. Search "Plan A" and read about it. It sounds like you want your marriage to survive and you believe your husband to be a good man at heart. You have work to do but we will lead you through it.

I can't advise you - I'm no vet. But I can say this:
Stop blaming yourself- you did nothing to warrant your husband to cheat on you - emotionally, physically, whatever. He owns his choices 100% and you're 100% right - to continue to have any contact wtih this woman is disrespectful to the core and it must stop.

optimism

Oh, and DO NOT tell your husband about this site. It is your weapon against adultery. If he finds out he will use the information against you in any way he can to continue his A (affair).
You will learn a lot here and be tempted to "enlighten" your wayward husband (WH); DON'T DO IT. He's not ready. Until he totally buys into the idea of recovering and restoring your M (marriage) you don't want him lurking around here.
Do you know how to clear the history from your browser?

Thank you. I really am in a wilderness and feel like I as a person am drowning. I try so hard to act normal on the outside. Noone would believe there is anything wrong with our relationship. But at home the cracks are beginning to show. My girls are getting old enough to see that I am in a bad place and they've caught me crying a few times. I quickly make up some sort of excuse but they are smart girls. They know nothing about their fathers cheating etc - I don't want them to know. They just think we are having a few problems. I certainly wouldn't want them accepting infidelity in their future relationships.

Yep - and I am pretty cluey with clearing history from the browser! I am a snooper from way back.

Hi Jen:

You might want to break your first post up into paragraphs so it is easier to read. Just click on the edit button at the bottom of the post and modify accordingly.

Have you posted before under a different name? I remember a poster not long ago with much the same history whose husband also worked in a top secret facility. Have you read through the basic concepts yet and have you bought Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley? You need to do both those things ASAP, like tomorrow morning

See, venting is fine, but look at my signature. Planning is the winner. And to do a plan, you first need to know what a plan can be and without question, Dr. Harley's plan for rebuilding a marriage from the ash heap of an old one, is tried and true and the best around, period.

Notice the parts about exposure. Notice the parts about a no contact letter and no contact for life with the OW (other woman) for either your husband and for you as well. It sounds as if the affair is based on an infatuation and while that don't last forever, an infatuation can hang around and feed on secrecy and contact for way longer than you will be able to tolerate. The cure for an infatuation is no contact, forever.

Welcome to Marriage Builders. I am so sorry you joined the club that nobody wants to join, but here you are and we all understand what you are going through and will help you all we can. I could say more now based on your post, but that is enough from me until later on.

Oh, but I will add that Surviving and Affair is something that you can share immediately with your husband, imho.

Larry

Thanks Larry, I have fixed up my post so it's easier to read.

This is the first time I have posted on this site. How sad that there is a story similar to mine.

We went through some basic counselling a few years ago - but neither of us have been good with changing behaviour. I can only speak from my point of view of course but I was so angry and hurt back then (and still in a far bit of shock) that I wasn't sure what was happening. He has always refused to discuss the A as he finds it all upsetting. Poor him.

I have read through the articles on this website. He does not seem willing to read things - in the next breath he says he's in this marriage and wants to try!

Jen:

Get the book, please.

And from your post on another thread, I can tell you that it is very common for both men and women to have affairs down. By that I mean down from who they would pick if they were single or down from who they are married to. Dirt common.

I sounds as if your husband is eat up with guilt. And unfortunately, some folks run from guilt by going into denial or stuffing what they did behind a wall or in a compartment somewhere in their brain. Or it could be he is gas lighting you; not enough information to tell yet. The best way to handle guilt, his or yours, is to use the guilt to accept responsibility and thus change yourself so you don't feel guilty anymore. Does that sound right to you?

If you have read enough to understand emotional needs, then you are getting a clue what is going on with your WH, right? And you read all about abbreviations, right?

It takes a couple readings to really start to get Dr. Harley's plan. Be sure and not miss the stuff on surviving an affair and please, buy the book. Er, I think I said that already

Larry

Thanks Larry. I have done a lot of reading over the years. I will try and get the book but I can't seem to order it online as I am in Australia.

I will have a look at some other book sites for it. We have had His Needs Her Needs for years. My husband never read it

Jen - try www.koorong.com.au

Jen, is OW married? Also do they work in the same dept, like is your H supervisor to OW or vice versa?

Oh good, BigK is here. He and I joined this forum about the same time. And his advice is always good. Uh, you see, er, I have this large collection of jokes about Aussie guys and. . .books laying about and. . .what they do or don't do with said books and . . .

Truth is there are subtle differences amongst countries where even those who speak a common language have peculiarities that needed to get attention. And I would consider BigK to be the resident expert on such matters of Aussie nature. BigK reads his books though, so maybe he can help you figure out how to motivate your husband to do likewise in the Australian way.

Getting serious again, are you a native of Australia or an expat Jen? That might make a slight difference or not as the case may be.

Larry

The OW was married. She left her husband and her 4 boys to set up on her own (during the affair with my H 8 years ago). They are divorced now.

My H was her supervisor back then. When I discovered that he had been involved with her he sought a transfer to a different section and as of a year ago a different building (30 minutes away).

Larry - I am a true blue Aussie girl and so is my H!!!

Jen- Sorry you are here, but welcome.

I understand how telling your DDx2 about your WH's A goes against all of your instincts. You feel like you would hurt them if they found out. They are old enough to know that something is wrong and that you are not happy about it. They know that Daddy did something wrong to Mommy and they are confused as to what. They also will feel like they aren't able to talk to you about their feelings about this since you haven't told them.

This is going to sound even worse, but there have been some examples of children who have discovered the A, or they know the AP already.

I too thought that I knew where my WH was all of the time outside of work, but like your WH, mine was having an A with a co-worker. He left work early and spent all breaks with her. Just putting it in perspective.

WS's also tend to go underground as you tell them about the ways that you found stuff. I believe that is why you WH showed you the cell records. He may have gotten himself an affair phone.

Scot (and other vets). I agree the girls have to know. I also think concealing from family (who "love him so much") is enabling. I'm just wondering if she should get more info/recon/proof before exposing on nuclear level (to all those mentioned above and then go from there). I suppose one year of contact with an old lover is certainly enough to go forth with a massive exposure....right or wrong?

Jen, have you read the articles about exposure? And what about the article about the affect adultery has on children? Hopefully Melody Lane will come in with some links to these if you need them; she's efficient like that and is also an expert on helping people prepare for and execute exposure.

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this.

~opt

I agree Opt that Jen may need some more evidence to expose. I just want to get Jen ready for the FACT that she SHOULD expose to her DD's. They already know that something's up.

I don't think that the 1 year of contact is the only thing that needs to be exposed. I believe that the WHOLE A needs to be exposed. As long as Jen has some evidence on the A from 8 years ago, then this would be a renewed contact IMHO.