The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.

The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.

An analysis of the betrayed spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.

After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts http://marriagebuilders.com/ca/to.cgi?l=qa080103bc
as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.

Did you expose the affair to the OM's H? Are you staying in touch with him so you can compare notes and ensure the affair is killed?

I told my H either she comes clean or I'd tell her H.

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I told my H either she comes clean or I'd tell her H.

I told my H either she comes clean or I'd tell her H. Then I called her house and told her mother. He mother called back for details and to talk to my H's parents (they were high school sweethearts so the families know/knew each other)

I want to applaud you for your exposure! You did more to save your marriage than just about anything else you could have done. You did a GREAT JOB!

I didn't even know it was a good thing until I came on here yesterday and today.

He says he sorry and wants "to come home" and be a husband and a good father. (He never technically left, just mentally and emotionally checked out)

I still feel gut-punched and don't know what to do now.....

our kids are 6,4, & 9m

tell me, if I want to be assured that the OW won't intercept a mailed letter, do I send it certified?

tell me, if I want to be assured that the OW won't intercept a mailed letter, do I send it certified?

Amy, it is better to just CALL him or go see him. This way you can exchange information. He likely knows quite a bit that you need to know.