I know, thank you all for your help during this time in my life. As much as it pains me I know I was enabling her and to continue letting her wont do either of us any good. My family always told me I babied her but I never seen it that way. I was taking care of my wife and showing her how much I loved her. They told me she was getting do to as she wished with no repercussion.

I just kept waiting for her to come back to reality and see what she had and get this fantasy life out of her head.

I am not from divorced parents, nor am I divorced (yet), but I do teach High School, and the kids like having seperate vacations/visits (maybe due to arguments/fear of fighting?)

Boy- the stories I hear!

Geeze. I am sorry.

The oddest things have happened since I filled, I have been able to be truely blunt with her. We have actually talked alot since then and the things that drove our marriage apart was simply because of the way she was around the house and the kids. She would not help with the homework or getting the kids ready for bed, she would not help with the household chores and she lived on the computer. I would address it and she would rebel because she wanted to do what she wanted and it made her unhappy with our marriage and wanting out.

I guess this has been the story of our marriage for the last 10 years to be honest. She has lashed out for years because she simply reverted in age. She wanted to go out dancing and partying and I was more interested in being a full time Dad and making sure the bills got paid.

The OM lives in New York and we live in Virginia as you can guess it started with a EA through an online game of all things. This same online game was how the first EA the PA started back in 2002 as well. I begged her not to start back years later yet here we are again.

The thing is she says she dont think she loves him like she did when it first started yet she feels there is to much damage in our marriage to fix and she don't honestly think she can be faithfull to me. Talking about honesty huh. I know I should be gratefull at this point for understanding the why and how's but that just stung to the core.

At this point in the game I don't think I could either knowing all that I know. Through snooping in the early stages I found alot out, in fact it's some of the things I found out that haunt my dreams. I have forgiven her but I don't know how to get those images out of my head.

I have done alot of reading on the MB principals but right now I am at a loss. The year waiting period for the divorce is up in September and I can file anytime after but right now I simply dont know how long to give her.

She is trying to get a job up state where her folks are and soon as she does she will be leaving, her and the OM's relationship she tells me is shakey and she dont feel the same way she did towards him and she mostly uses him because she don't want to be alone emotionally.

The OM is about 9.5 hours away and is wanting to come in some time in July and it is driving me nuts. From reading her emails I know she is not talking to him no where near as much as she was and she for the last few weeks have been the mother the kids have needed for a long time now. She tells me she dont expect me to keep my heart or mind open as I told her it was very hard to be optimistic about anything when she is moving and continueing a relationship with the OM.

I guess the question is do I continue Plan A and simply be the best husband I can be and file for final decree if things have not changed by then or do I weather the storm and give it longer?

See the article on detachment

on the livestrong site I believe.

Broke my heart the first time I read it.

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

Sadly that is easier said than done, I simply don't know how to detach from someone who I have been with for 19 years.

I know I have no control over her actions and her actions are her own demons to face in life.

I guess when it is said and done I am scared that when I am able to detach finally, what if that is when she truely regrets the mistakes she has made in her life and I can not reattach?

You can't detach reasonably when you are still living with her. In fact, since you are continuing to live with her, you are continuing to enable her and actually, in my opinion, continuing to injure your relationship with her. She needs to be out and alone, just as you do, but for different reasons.

I believe you guys have to suck it up and get her out of the house. Pure and simple. Find her a 1 BR apt and get her out of your place. I understand money is tight... but so is your sanity. And on the outside chance that she gets shaken up being alone, she might actually recognize that your marriage is worth working for. In the LEAST, you will begin healing yourself and your sanity.

No, detachment and PB are not the same. Detachment is realising the behaviors that are harmful to you and the other party and make appropriate choices.

I have been with my H for 27 years. I am learning slowly how not to ruch in and try to fix things.

Detach from behaviors, not love.

You should read that link.

I read it, I guess I just took something else out of it.

Money is beyond tight, we barely live pay day to pay day as it is. She is applying for jobs up state where her parents are so hopefully she will be able to find something soon.

Well we are still living together, she still has not been able to find a job where her family is. We are doing better however she still is insistant on her moving 7 hours away to be with her family. I simply cannot understand why she is willing to break up our family for her to be with hers.

She says she does not know if she wants the divorce or not but she feels the need to leave and truely seperate for her to know if she wants us or not.

My question is since the mandatory year seperation is up in September since we have kids and I can file for the D any time after, should I wait? If she is still with me in the home should I still go through with it or wait till she leaves?

She has still not ended the EA with OM, it seems to be fizzeling out though however there is talks of him coming in soon.

Things are looking better however not great. She says she wants to start marriage counseling but says she still don't know if she wants our marriage or not.

She still has contact with OM and now others are constantly trying to hook up with her. From snooping she has not recepricated and has flat told them no, she was not going to do anything untill the divorce if she followed through with it.

Will MC do any good or would we just be wasting our money if she has not comitted to making the marriage work?

whitetail, Your WW is trying to have in divorce what she couldn't have in marriage: The freedom to move back and forth betweeen boyfriends and family with no repercussions. She wants to just drop in on the family when she feels like enjoying the good parts of Family Time, and then drop out again until she feels like coming around again.

Sorry - this is a terrible example for your children. Families deserve FULL-TIME parents and FULL-TIME spouses. A part-time family is not good enough and the kids should never be shown that it is.

Surely your children deserve more than crumbs and leftovers and part-time parents pretending that a part-time family is enough. Don't they?

Family Time is a privilege that has to be earned - and it is earned by being there FULL-TIME as both a parent AND a spouse.

Since WW has decided she no longer wants to be a full-time spouse, she no longer has the privilege of Family Time and your childen should NEVER get the idea that she does. The family no longer exists and it is a terrible disservice to the kids to pretend it does. At least give the kids the respect of not pretending.

By all means let the children spend all the time they want with their mother, but NOT with Daddy being there too and pretending to still be a family when there isn�t one.

This is massively confusing to the kids and only teaches them that hey, you can destroy your family and nuke it to bits but still enjoy the fun parts of Family Time when you feel like it! They'll grow up expecting to do exactly this.

And they�ll grow up with the full realization that a part-time family � one with a parent who drops in for birthday parties and other fun times - is supposed to be good enough for them and they should not expect families to be full-time.

No Way. Never. Please don't do this to your kids. Families are not pets that you keep for your amusement and go and visit when you feel like it. As I said, surely your kids deserve better.

Here is an MB thread titled "The Fantasy of Divorce" which might be helpful:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2279757&page=1

Mulan,
I guess you dusted this thread off for Whitetail due to their D is final this month.

I hope Whitetail checks in to let us know where things are at. In the meantime I want to thank you for this post. I also read the linked "fantasy divorce" thread today. It was a helpful perspective for me.

STBxw at one time definitely had visions of the fantasy divorce. Vacations, dinner over each other's houses, all that with the kids. I never understood it, but most importantly I didn't understand fully the destructive dynamic of that plan until I read your post. I'm glad I haven't engaged in any of that craziness since early in the separation. At the time I didn't know any better, and gradually I realized I couldn't move on if I was always sitting next to stbX at baseball games and what-not.

It was just never put so clearly about what kind of terrible message is being sent to kids when the parents try to do the fantasy divorce. Thanks again for taking the time to put it here.

Opt

Thanks, opt. I do feel very strongly about this. Well-meaning family, friends and therapists so often push the Fantasy Divorce as being "best for the children", when it truth it could hardly be worse. I'd sure like to see it stop. Can't tell you how much I cringed when I saw Elin and Tiger Woods having a "play date" together with their children. So many people will see that and think that's how it should be.

No way. As I said, let the kids spend all the time they want with each parent separately, but do not feed them the lie that you can nuke your family but still enjoy its benefits.

You want to be single? Single people don't have families. Have a nice day.

Wow! My same exact sitch. It blows. WW is out in the living room now watching TV. I'm in the back room watching football. Kids are upstairs sleeping.

I can't afford to move out. We're trying to sell the house, but so far nothing. I'm still paying all the bills, as she makes little to no money.

She wants to move with the kids to her parents, 1000 miles away, but I'm making her stay here until the house sells so at least I can spend every day with my kids until then.

I just want to move on, but I'm caught in this impossible limbo.