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This is my first post. H had an affair that began as chatting online/email etc and became physical a year ago. She lives 5 hours away and he met her twice. He has not seen her in a year in person, just online. I found out a year ago, (they had been talking for a year and a half at that point) and we have been trying to make it work. Since I had found out, he would let her go, and I would find out a month later he was talking to her again. This continued for a year now, he finally came clean last week that they had been talking, and that he lied to her, told her we were separated etc but he wanted to end it to work on us. Now he is missing her and honestly tells me about it and that he thinks of calling but won't because he knows if he does it will be the end of us. Has anyone been here?
Me: BS 30
WH: 32
Married: 4 Yrs
Together: 14 Yrs
Dday: May 2009
FR: MANY
A: Online EA turned PA January 2009 and again May 2009
FRMLY: Hopeful30
To all WS: "Sometimes we miss happiness by looking too far for things nearby."
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Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 533
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I haven't been in that spot yet, but it looks like the A died a natural death. The OW may have put a stop to it, and your H is feeling dumped. This could be an opportune moment for you. Try to work on your marriage at this time by being his wife and loving him.
For a better picture read His Needs Her Needs, Surviving an Affair, and Love Busters together. Try to hit that point where you are his number one love interest.
Be careful that he does not confide about his recent loss to another woman or you will have OW2 on your hands.
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Joined: Mar 2010
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Posts: 152 |
THanks, he actually ended it himself. I have spoken to her everyday for the past week through texts, just so i can keep tabs on whats happening. He does miss her, but i think alot of it is missing the conversation and missing how he felt. In the past when he tried to end it, it would only last a few days. We are now heading into week 2, but he is having a hard time and is tempted to call her alot. He says its so he can apologize to her for misleading, but I know its more than that. Its just hard to see him like this, I keep wondering if its because he really wants to be with her instead of me. But in the past year he did try to leave me once, which lasted one day. He just keeps going back to talking to her. Very frustrating!
Me: BS 30
WH: 32
Married: 4 Yrs
Together: 14 Yrs
Dday: May 2009
FR: MANY
A: Online EA turned PA January 2009 and again May 2009
FRMLY: Hopeful30
To all WS: "Sometimes we miss happiness by looking too far for things nearby."
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Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
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THanks, he actually ended it himself. I have spoken to her everyday for the past week through texts, just so i can keep tabs on whats happening. He does miss her, but i think alot of it is missing the conversation and missing how he felt. In the past when he tried to end it, it would only last a few days. We are now heading into week 2, but he is having a hard time and is tempted to call her alot. He says its so he can apologize to her for misleading, but I know its more than that. Its just hard to see him like this, I keep wondering if its because he really wants to be with her instead of me. But in the past year he did try to leave me once, which lasted one day. He just keeps going back to talking to her. Very frustrating! It's the addiction, hope. It's not the person.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Joined: Mar 2010
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Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 152 |
Thanks marital bliss. I know its the addiction, i just live in fear that maybe he truly loves her more than me. But that seems so silly considering they haven't been around each other in a year. Just emails and webcams. He keeps telling me how hard he is trying, and that he will not contact her, it just hurts to see him struggle so much. I keep thinking "why should there even be a choice" but I get it, the addiction messes with his mind. Its just not easy, constantly wondering if he is here just to keep me happy. He keeps saying how important I am, and he puts my happiness ahead of his own. I asked if that meant she was his happiness and he said no. Just not sure I should believe him.
Me: BS 30
WH: 32
Married: 4 Yrs
Together: 14 Yrs
Dday: May 2009
FR: MANY
A: Online EA turned PA January 2009 and again May 2009
FRMLY: Hopeful30
To all WS: "Sometimes we miss happiness by looking too far for things nearby."
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I know its the addiction, i just live in fear that maybe he truly loves her more than me. OM's been out of my wife's life now for 7 months. I still worry that question like a chew toy almost every day. The fact she's with me, and not with him, answers it, but it still resurfaces with disturbing regularity.
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Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
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Posts: 35,996 |
I know its the addiction, i just live in fear that maybe he truly loves her more than me. OM's been out of my wife's life now for 7 months. I still worry that question like a chew toy almost every day. The fact she's with me, and not with him, answers it, but it still resurfaces with disturbing regularity.
This self doubt takes years to be completely eradicated.
Tell your spouse when you feel this way ... allow your spouse the grace of reassuring you.
This is part of radical emotional honesty.
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