WH recently ended it with OW (last week) He has tried this before but usually gives in and calls her. Well its going on 2 weeks and the past few days he is absolutely miserable...very withdrawn from me. Has this happened to anyone and did it get better?
(Background:The affair began as an online friendship (yeah right!) then became physical, they met twice (she lives 5 hrs away) and he hasnt seen her for a year. (they email,and webcam) I found out a year ago, they met online 2 1/2 years ago. We have been married for 4 yrs but together for 15, I am 30 and he is 32.)

Of course, and sometimes.

Have you read through all of Dr. Harley's material? It is far better for you to read his stuff and then ask questions rather than ask an isolated question that needs to be put into context that you wouldn't understand without all the other information.

I guess I could go to where you have posted other stuff. If you have another thread, try to keep all of your questions in the same place so those of us who read and try to help will have everything right there and not chase around. Saves time.

Ok?

Larry

Welcome. You need to stay on one thread, because otherwise it gets hard to follow. I did see that hubby knows about this site. Might as well invite him to post too.

He is just like all the other waywards, doesn't think the affair is an addiction, doesn't think the other woman caused a problem in the marriage, blah, blah, blah.

Does he give you any reason why he came back?

You can ask the moderators in an email to combine your various threads. Seriously, it is hard to keep up with you when you are all over the place.

Larry

Sorry, I will combine them. I have read through the material, perhaps I need a refresh tho...He didn't ever actually leave, he just contacts her behind my back, creates a new email address so I will not find out, etc. But this time he said that he was done. Now,2 weeks later he is having a very hard time letting go of her. This is very frustrating for me, seeing him wanting someone else, that part of me just wants to throw my hands in the air and tell him to go. I just wasn't sure if his reactions were normal for withdrawl.

How much of the material have you read on the link in the right hand menu under "Most popular links," that is labeled "How to Survive Infidelity?" Did you read it, really, or scan it looking for a reset button or magic wand? I am not trying to be rude or harsh, just trying to keep you focused.

Of course he is having problems. It is called withdrawal. Now hopeful, I want you to live up to the name you have chosen and go read and then you will really have a reason to be, hopeful.

We can help you with the plan, but until you study enough to know what we are talking about, the plan will not make sense to you. See my signature

Larry

Hope:

Ok, now that you have read, thus my break in posts:

1.What do you know about withdrawal?

2. What do you with your husband to help him?

3. How do you handle yourself while he grieves?

4. Did you find the answers?

5. Is there something specific about the first task, NO Contact for life and helping him with his withdrawal that you want to ask?

6. Oh, and have you considered exposure for when he backslides?

Larry

Thanks Larry. I am re-reading the articles, I did read through them months ago. Here are answers to your questions:
1) Withdrawl- he will experience depression and a strong longing for her. It will be very difficult for him to not contact her because of the addiction. (in a nutshell)

2)To help him- I listen, I try to have as much patience and not yell or accuse. I really started plan A yesterday,(sad, I should have done this long ago) so I am trying to show him what he would miss if he kept this up...ex. I am being nice, understanding, no Love Busters, etc.

3)Handling myself when he grieves- This is my struggle. I don't mean to but I take that as rejection, or I think that its because he must be miserable with me. It wasn't really until yesterday that I realized this was what they classify as "FOG" and I see it clearly. So, I am trying to show him that I am here for him, last night I tried to give him space, and I did housework, organizing etc. Its just so hard to see him long for another woman.

4)I did find a lot of answers while reading the articles again. Thanks

5)Specific- is there a better way to help him through this withdrawl? Has anything worked for other people? I am willing to try anything.

6)Exposure- Yes I have considered it, if he backlies, then I won't keep his little secret. Definitely not.

Thanks Larry for your input. It has helped me a lot!

Thanks Pepperband. The webcam is actually on his work laptop which i do not have access too. I have talked to the OW all week long for the past week so i know that contact is broken for now. As for more than one, I really don't think so, but who knows I could be wrong. He has done a lot to be transparent, I am just at a really hard place because I am trying to have patience to get him through this withdrawal, but it is so hard. My mind keeps telling me that he must want to be with her more than me, but he assures me that he is here with me because that is what he wants. Its just hard to let her go.

YOU AREN'T RELYING ON POSOW TO TELL YOU TH TRUTH ARE YOU?

Oh Hun, SHE IS GOING TO LIE TOO.

My WH's POSOW said to my face and on the phone MANY MANY times over a 2 year period that they were "just friends" and that my WH wasn't her type. The night I found out they were having a PA, I called her and asked how long and she said, "It's none of your business." If a woman sleeps with a MM, then she is a POS and she will lie to you and everyone else.

I'm not relying on her to tell me, she is extremely manipulative. But she will make him leave me if they are talking, she has said she has had enough. She is much younger, he is 32 she is 24. She was physically abused by her father growing up and states that my H has been her support system blah blah...

He is not totally transparent because he lies to me by creating new email addresses and there is no way for me to track those. He is freely open with his passwords, phone, texts etc. The issue is that I work for the cell phone company so I can check that anytime, its the stupid hotmail accts I cannot check. ugh. He works away from home to do various jobs, so he could be gone for a night etc, but he has given me access to his work site so i can see where he is and the progress of the job. I know he has to quit his job because that is a source of the betrayal. I just don't know how to get him to do so.

He is shutting me out now, due to the withdrawal and he is not doing anything to make us communicate better, other than watch TV shows together. I have talked to him about quality time but he doesn't listen. He tells me that he is tired of being selfish but I tell him thats a choice. And something he can control.

Its very hard to see someone you know and love do this, as I am sure all of you are aware. We have been together for 15 years and suddently he is so different. There are times this week that I just want to tell him that if is suffering so bad he should just leave. But then I think, FINALLY he has let her go (for now anyway) so why walk away now when he made this step.

I bumped a thread for you.


http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2341355&page=1

Plan A is not about being nice and understanding. It is not about being a doormat.

It's about meeting his top ENs and avoiding LBs.
What are his top three ENs (what do you think they are)?
What are you doing to meet them?
What LBs do you struggle with the most? I bet Angry Outbursts and Disrespectful Judgments... am I right?

While you are in Plan A it is still perfectly all right for you to define your boundaries; it is expected that you tell him you will not be in a marriage with three people in it, and that you consider any contact between the two of them unacceptable. Don't bring it up over and over, because that becomes a DJ (assuming they are in contact). But do let him know clearly where you stand on this.

Sorry, I'm confused about what you mean. Could you please clarify?



How do you know he ended it with OW? Did he just tell you he did? Or did he write a NC letter that you mailed to OW? Or did he call her with you listening in on the other phone?

If WH has told OW there is to be NC, then you have no business whatsoever talking to OW. NC means NC!!! When you say "Contact is broken for now" do you mean that you talked to OW, or that he has contacted her?

If he contacted her, to whom did you expose? How? What did you say?

I am looking at his top 3 EN. I am also trying to meet them but he will not let me, he shuts me out, lays on the couch and is a depression.

I am about to admit something I shouldn't but I have access to both their cell records. There is no contact via phone. (unless they both have different phones)

I have talked to her myself everyday for the past week. He called her and ended it, which reading now I see that was wrong. He wanted me to be there, but we tried that before and it was too painful. She contacted me right away and we started talking about the things he would say to her, and to me, etc. I am fully aware not to trust her, she could easily lie to me. As well, in the past, when he tried to break it off and then return to emails behind my back, his attitude would "perk up" and he would seem happier. THanks for the thread, I did read through it and I noticed that usually if I follow my gut I am right. Right now, my gut is telling me that he has not been in contact, when I say yet, it means that I do not fully believe he will not revert back to this again.

I have stopped talking to her as of yesterday, I told her that we can no longer talk, etc. She manipulates, tells me that she "cares" about me and what he is doing to me, etc.

Thanks for clairifying the Plan A. I seriously feel like I don't want to push him, but at the same time, I feel like I shouldn't have to put up with this crap. You nailed my love busters, I do have angry outbursts, and crying as well seems to be something that sets him off. Its just very hard to keep trying to meet the needs of someone who is doing nothing to allow it or welcome it.

Stop calling her! NC applies to YOU as well. How do you think it's helping your WH and his withdrawal, knowing that you are in daily contact with his drug?

Also, don't withhold info from us, like having the cell phone records. It is helpful for us to know what your snooping methods are so we can assist you in snooping. Unless you've told WH about this site and you think he may access it. If that's the case you may want to consider coming on with another screen name, and hold back on info that would identify you.