lets just get it out there ive been married almost two years and been with my wife almost 4. she left day after my birthday jan 21 stayed with a girlfriend from work that i really didnt know and her brother. needless to say my wife and the brother became really close and connected emotionally and also slept with each other.

now i have for the time we been together not been so good to her making her feel beautiful, making her feel like the one, sometimes i was verbally mean, etc. when she left it humbled me so much and i realized how much i loved her.

we talked during the time she was gone and one day i told her to listen to a song well she didnt get to during the day until she laid down to go to sleep that night and turned her phone on pandora which plays random songs the first song that came on was that song. so @ 1 am she comes in the door to the house crying and holding me.

so she came home i didnt really know how deep it had gotten with the brother until recently. but shes been home i guess for almost a month & everything was awesome like never before. i naturally do the loving things im supposed to and it felt great. we finally had sex again a couple times then this last week it got awkward all the sudden and i have felt extremely terrified from it ever since.

then this morning we were talking and it came out of her mouth finally they did have sex and that she really doesnt have a sex drive right now and that it frightens her that theres no passion when we have sex. also it was said that theres always been something missing from beginning. she said it was like we were best friends trying to have sex.

but she said she went about it the wrong way when she left and should have been on her own thinking bout things instead of being with him and that sometimes she feels like she came home too soon but she came home for a reason and that was to work on our marriage. so in all this can someone please give me some advice on what i should do or how to get the passion into our marriage?

thanks so much anyone im going crazy i feel like....

Welcome to marriagebuilders, and glad you found us. We all felt like we were going crazy before we found this place.

Your wife is behaving like all waywards, rewriting the history of the marriage to justify her affair.

Is she still in contact with the other man? If she is, the affair will continue and your marriage will continue to deteriorate.

Is she still in contact with the Other Man (OM)???

Larry

do you have any children together??

she is really close friends with his sister for a few months now & no, no children. she doesn't contact him or vice versa but she has been around him a couple times. she said she's not gonna be rude and not say hi if he's around where she is.

Well, there you go - she is still very foggy. She has broken her vows, hurt you terribly, and yet she is not going to be rude to this interloper in your marriage?????

I would assume the affair is still going on.

No remorse- where is the " I can't believe that I did this to the man who vowed to be with me forever."

Yet she "cares" about his feelings????????

Yeah, sorry, it does not seem like you are not out of the woods, she is still not dedicated to trying to repair the damage she has done.

I guarantee there is still contact of some sort, and she has not given up the OM. She has not shown any withdrawl symtoms, just returned to eat cake at your expense.

I am new here and struggling myself. I can say this, along with everyone else here. If she is unwilling to be "rude" and not say hi then she is not 100% for you. Not to say she is still sleeping with the other ma. I don't know. I do know that when someone is comitted to you then someone else's feelings shouldn't matter over yours.

Abo- That is absolutely correct but this is a huge as to the fact that the A is still continuing. When waywards are in a fog, they don't care about YOU or YOUR FEELINGS. All they care about is getting their FIX. YOU threaten them getting their FIX. Also, they have to keep the AP happy so they can get what they want.

Many times you will read people saying that your Spouse is no longer your spouse. They are not the same person you have known for X number of years. They have been taken over by an alien. That is when they get the distinction of being WS(wayward spouse). The affects that they get from the affair is their drug of choice. Have you ever heard of an drug addict that sold their child to get some drugs? That's what you are dealing with when you have a spouse in an A. It is NOT easy to deal with.

Hi 1503a,
I am new here so I am not as experienced as others here.

However my own situation was in some ways similar to yours.
At the time I had no knowledge or experience of a similar situation and handled it very badly. I was plagued mentally. So plagued my partner with questions. This did not improve things. Try to avoid talking about it in a needy despondent way. Better not to talk about it unless she wants to.
In the end I came to the realization that passion/ sexual fulfillment is entirely in the head. You will have it if you believe you have it.
You can be sure that you partner's lover or ex lover does nothing technically more than you do.
Reading this forum it is easy to see that every woman that has an affair thinks their lover/exlover is the best man between the sheets in the whole world.
I dug deep and now know that they are not.
To improve your situation is difficult because you now need to hold a mental state that is contrary to what you are feeling or are going to see for a while.
Your main concern at this stage should be to sort out what caused the separation and fix it. It is good to hear you are using the 'basic concepts' and these are working for you.
Hold the course.
Believe in yourself and she will believe in you.
If she thinks you are like good friends. GOOD
Good friends can become great lovers. It happens all the time.

Hold the course.