Jen:

Have you made arrangements to get Surviving an Affair at the place BugK suggested?

Larry

Larry - yes I have been able to order the book through an Australian website.

Scotland and Optimism - thanks for your thoughts. I know I should always go with my gut feelings about things bit sometimes I don't know whether my heightened suscipicion about anything runs my whole thought processes!!

I used to be such a trusting soul - I guess that's why I was such a sucker!

I know I should tell my DDx2. I don't want to ruin their relationship with their Dad but I know they need to know for me to go forward. I have been thinking a lot about the exposure thing. I can't work out whether I've been protecting WH or me by not telling anyone about the A. There is an element of embarrassment about it all on my part (stupid I know!!!) but I am beginning to realise it is eating me up inside and I need to let it out for me to heal. I told my sister 8 years ago but I haven't told anyone about the renewed contact. I guess I know what they'd say.

Apparently WH told his mother about everything (the A years ago and recently about the phone calls). Poor woman had the same thing happen to her. My WH's father was a terrific role model.

I can't wait until the fog clears and I can see a path forward for me and my DDx2.

I guess I have often wondered why WH has stayed with me. He says he loves me but I can't help but think he is trying desperately to hold on to what he didn't have growing up. His own D left when WH was 6 and it was not a very amicable split - his father was nasty even though he was the one who had all the affairs.

I certainly haven't been the perfect wife. I am pretty critical, hard to please and selfish. But I am generous,loving and loyal, (even though I haven't felt too loving lately). I get hurt very easily and I have been definitely too trusting and open in the past. Still haven't quite worked out whether I have that capacity to forgive and forget. Not sure I will ever be able to do the forget part.

I do feel forever changed through all this. And not for the better. I am now the pessimist, not the optimist, I second guess people, and I completely overreact when I discover someone has lied to me. I almost go psycho! I don't like being like this. The changes to my personality are in itself making me unhappy and I dislike who I have become.

(((((JEN)))))

Oh Jen, I feel sad for you because I UNDERSTAND.

I felt like this too.

So, I had a gut feeling that you hadn't exposed to anyone 8 years ago either.

You should get together a list of people who you are going to expose to.

That list should contain, your DDx2, your family, WH's family, any close or mutual friends, POSOW's family(parents, XH), POSOW's friends(done through Facebook if you can), and WH's workplace.

There are a lot of examples of what you write to these people and some of them you will do over the phone. Just compose your list of exposure targets and come back on here to ask for help on what to say or write. There will be many people helping you out with that so just let us know when you are ready.

There are many reasons for exposure. The main reason is that YOU get SUPPORT. I will warn you that many people's INSTINCTS are that YOU SHOULD NOT EXPOSE. You will be told, "Don't you think this should be kept between you and your H?" Many people will also tell you to cut him lose. I don't want to discourage you from exposing, I want to prepare you for it so you will know what to say. Exposure will also SURPRISE YOU. You will find out that others have gone through this as well and that people you never thought of will step up and HELP you.

Now, what kind of evidence do you have from the A from 8 years ago?(for lurkers, this is why you KEEP your evidence safe FOREVER)

You're doing GREAT. KEEP IT UP.

Jen:

Don't give up hope.


This is a reaction to events and is consistent for those who do not have a plan. Feeling hopeless is the key. To find hope, have a plan and work the plan. It doesn't matter that at first your WH is not signed up.

First you need a plan. To make a plan, you need to educate yourself in the elements of possible. You have most of the materials right here, free. The methods and wisdom of Dr. Harley are posted on this web site. Through education, you learn what is possible and how to do it.

Like any other life project, education is required and that means to study. Would you attempt to replace the plumbing under the sink in the kitchen without either someone experienced helping or reading a good guide? And that guide is here, supported by the forum for marriage difficulties.

Next, you have Dr. Harley's books. Small price to pay for your further education. Then you have the home study course, the coaching center, even the big ticket item for the weekend. A plan is available for every sized wallet, as it were. All you hae to do is read, read it again, discuss the finer points, read the notable posts on this web site, ask questions, and then read again; all the while forming a plan and working the plan.

It is a bit harder without professional help. It is harder if at first your husband is not signed up for the plan. He will come around eventually or not as he decides. But you cannot compel him to do anything, only yourself. Given his type of job and given who you portrait him to be, I suspect he will come around.

Now Jen, you have to understand the plan and work the plan. Half measures won't get you where you want to go unless you want to be divorced. And even then, full knowledge of Dr. Harley's methods will be important to you for any future relationship you might have.

Venting is fine, but plans get results. See my signature. Are you up for it Jen?

Larry

You�ve got a good start here. Presentation is (Vets correct me if I'm off base at all here) �I need your help, my husband is having an affair, and I�m not sure what to do about it. I�m calling you because you are close with him and I know you support our marriage. I�m asking that you talk to him and try to help him through this.� (then they�ll ask you questions). Emphasize you�re not reporting information just to be vindictive or spiteful. Emphasize that AFFAIRS THRIVE ON SECRECY and you are trying desperately to shed light on the secret fantasy life that your H has been cultivating. He is risking everything and for his and your little girls sake, he needs help to put an end to the A.

I say the above from experience. I didn�t really have a great script.

Be prepared, as Scot mentioned, to listen to a bunch of bullchit. People have no understanding of A�s; it�s just pure ignorance. Let them feel you are listening because you�ve already made your point. Just that he�s going to have to explain himself to your exposure targets is enough to put cracks in his fantasy world.

The reason he hasn�t left you is: why would he? He has everything he needs � you providing some EN�s and her providing others.

~opt