LA, do you remember me? Are you still around? I could use some help. Thx.

Hey there! Course I remember you. And your promise to check in once every year (so you owe us two updates).



LA

You have a good memory...

OK, so the last two checkins would have been something like "doing pretty darn good; busy with life; regular ups and downs of marriage aside, nothing dramatic."

But I'm concerned about a friendship that my FWW has developed over the past 6 months or so. I believe it is an EA that may or may not become more. She says it is completely platonic.

About two months ago "he" (I'll call him Mr. N) called her cell phone on a Sunday morning. She had been out till 3am with friends. Mr. N was present. I asked why a co-worker was calling. She said he wanted to check up on her; make sure she got home ok after the late night. I was confused and angry. I said he had no business calling my wife to check up on her. She told me not to be concerned. He was just being thoughtful. She said they were friends. She could talk with him about things. I'm not much of a talker. I realize that my wife has an EN for conversation that I'm not able to meet. I told her I was jealous she was getting it met by someone else. She told me not to worry. She loved me and me alone. It was purely platonic between her and Mr. N.

However - about two years ago, I broke off a platonic friendship with a former student of mine (I used to teach ESL) because it made my wife feel uncomfortable. Now the tables had turned, but she had no intention of changing her friendship. I felt it was unfair and told her so. I said that if I just met him then perhaps I would be put at ease, but she (and him) declined to make that happen.

Then last week something made me suspicious and I decided to check her email. There were hundreds of emails between her and Mr. N. In fact, they had arranged to meet that very day!! I called her and asked what was going on. I was angry. She asked if I had been in her email and I said yes. I said why was she making plans to see Mr. N behind my back. I was really hurt.

She still says it is non romantic. But I consider it an EA that could develop. I did not read all the emails they exchanged, but there was enough to learn that there is nothing physical at this time, there is a good friendship, sharing of all kinds of things (books, movies, tv, politics, etc.) that she doesn't even share with me. And worst of all - mention to Mr. N that I don't communicate enough with her; and the kicker "she doesn't see me in her future".

So when I pressed her on it all, she admitted that once the kids were done with college she was planning on leaving me. But she'd do it sooner if I insisted.

I can only think of the kids and want to try to make this work for their sake. But to be honest, if they were not in the picture, I'd likely just get this over with now.

So here's my question - if there is a fundamental difference in my ability to communicate with her in a way that meets her EN should we agree that this will not work? And just stay friends till the kids are older? Or call it off now so we each have the chance to meet someone else?

And then I remembered you - and the meaning of your username here hit me like a ton of bricks. Loving Anyway. I want to be loving anyway. I don't want to be jealous. Perhaps we were together for a time and that time is now over.

Or am I supposed to roll up my sleeves and fight? Demand NC, etc?

I don't know what to do next.

Your WW was out till 3 AM because she was banging this guy.

Don't remember your story. Though what level of exposure did you do in the past?

Sounds as if a full level exposure is needed now. Also you must expose at work. WW or OM must leave this job so NC can start.

I'm so sorry you're back here for this reason, intention. My heart goes out to you so much...

Ask yourself why would you fight for a serial cheater? She already knows how much her actions have hurt you in the past...how her lies prohibited you guys from having an intimate marriage for ten years...and she knows she's in an A right now...and she's lying.

You know she's lying.

Don't buy into her fantasy, please.

Do you remember the boundaries you made after learning of her first A? Do you remember what you promised yourself you would do if she engaged in another A?

I'm going to guess that the reason you felt like loving anyway was from guilt...from this source


If you are not able to meet her EN for Conversation, then seems understandable that she can't meet your EN for Fidelity...just incapable, right?

I think you get hit with how much your resentment, distress and self-honesty slide down some hill...and I could really be projecting here...but if your happiness hits comfortable, you're okay with some necessary trade-offs until they become intolerable.

That's my guess...because what I made bold in your quote is just a gut-buster to me. You chose not to meet her ENs. Doesn't mean you made her an adulterer...means you know you chose, you felt jealousy that someone else would, and I think a lot of anger that after all you went through just three years ago upon learning of her first A, that she would be doing this again.

You learned how to affair proof your marriage...and you truly believe you are not a talker...when you spoke volumes here on MB when your heart was smashed by her infidelity. That's talking, sir. Without all the noisy mouth sounds.



Your WW is in a fog...up to you if you really want to break the fog, or if after the first A was revealed, if you felt you did everything possible, and kept doing it, to save your marriage, or not. You gotta pick your goal, intention...from your heart, what you want most, with a courageous inventory.

You have the right, yet again, to divorce. And that is what I would do if my DH were to do what your WW is doing...which is choosing to cheat. She is cheating emotionally, and I agree, definitely physically...and I'm so sorry, intention.

What I'm concerned most about is what you take with you...because I think, granted, from that one sentence, that you will experience this horrendous betrayal repeatedly.

And I'm so sorry. So I'm on the fence...and will back your choice. My heart tugs toward busting up the A, doing Plan A (in real time...because you haven't had that before), and truly breaking your own habit of accepting lying (by commission and omission), so that how you live from here on out will be very different.


I'm not sure what you're asking...you choose not to communicate with her in the way (Conversation) that makes her soar, feel crazy in love with you. You're not willing to do that...and I don't know why. There's nothing in you that isn't comprehensible or capable of being accepted. Are you saying "Should I choose to take the blame for her A and remain friends in an open marriage?" I mean, she really is having an A, physical question aside, so how can you stay friends with someone, while married, for the kids, when you each will be shredding the other's heart daily?

Would that be how your marriage for the kids would go, as friends, for the next decade?

LA