My story pretty much goes like this:
STBXH was deployed to Iraq, has developed a drinking problem, cheated on me more than once, and refuses to get help. I filed for divorce in August and now I'm trying to work up the courage to finalize it. (If you want to see the full story, it's in the Surviving an Affair forum under "How do I know when to end it???")
My experience started out with shock and depression. Then I became angry and used my anger to be able to file for divorce. I went through lots of ups and downs. Last night was a down night. STBXH and I were talking about our situation and the main thing that stuck with me from our conversation is when he said "I like to go to bars. I like drinking. It's the only thing that makes me happy anymore. It puts me in a better mood and helps me forget about my problems for a little while. I do stupid things when I drink. I am not going to change."
When he said this, I realized how powerless I am. I tried all the manipulation, ultimatums, and guilt to get him to stop drinking and cheating. I tried getting his command involved. Nothing worked. This is step one in Al-Anon. To admit that I am powerless over alcohol. I know that there is absolutely nothing I can do or say that can change STBXH's behavior. Absolutely nothing.

Let me just say this: there are better men out there.

You are 23, you have a very long life ahead of you. You do not deserve to be tied to an alcoholic. That's a very difficult challenge for anyone to get over and it doesn't sound like your STBX has any interest in doing so.

You have very young children that deserve a solid father-figure in their home. Your STBX is anything BUT a solid father-figure.

Make the best decision you will ever make: finalize the divorce, find your way back to family, build a good home for you and your kids and then, when the time is right, God will put a good man in your path. And when He does, take that man and use what you've learned here to build the very best marriage you can.

And never look back...

Alcoholism is a disease and your spouse is not ready to get help. He seems to be in the throes of it...You have to do what's best for you and your children.

I am so sorry this is happening to you and your family.

armywife,

Sorry to hear of your divorce. When addiction is involved there is no amount of love or determination on the other spouses part that can change the addict. They have to want to change and your ex doesn't want to. Him blaming alcohol for his cheating is a cop out.

You are doing the best thing possible for you and your kids. And I understand all to well, that when the anger disipates that you are left with depression and sadness.

You have no power over his life, but you do over your OWN. Keep moving forward, you are young and will one day find new love with someone that deserves you.

AW,

I think you are making good decisions.

My first H was an alcoholic (also military). He died young and our daughter, while she loved him, never respected him. It was really sad.

I think you will be fabulous in your future. Don't look back. Enjoy your trip this summer.

AM

Thank you all. You are right... I need to just finalize things and not look back. I dont know why I have these mixed feelings about it. I feel nervous and scared. I dont know why. I'm not benefitting by satying married. I know I cant stay in this relationship and I would like to start dating someday. I guess I just need a little push or something. IDK. I think I will go to the courthouse on Monday to set the final court date.

AW,

Have you read this?
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5048a_qa.html

Wow, thanks for that! I had not read it, but I'm glad I did.
Some things that really hit me were:

1. Alcoholics commonly engage in their most painful habits while under the influence. Acts of infidelity are common. The fact that he or she is drunk at the time is no consolation to a grief-stricken spouse.

STBXH is always saying "Everytime I cheated I was drunk. People do stupid things when they're drunk"
Umm... yeah, people do stupid things when they're drunk, but is that REALLY supposed to make me feel better!?!?!???

2. That's what I learned to do after discovering that an alcoholic is so much in love with alcohol, that while in the state of addiction, there is no way for them to consider their spouse's feelings whenever they make decisions, a necessary condition for a great marriage. Alcohol always comes first, even when it is at the spouse's expense.

This is what STBXH was telling me when he said how much he likes to drink and that he wont change.

3. You must learn to regard your husband as hopelessly lost to his alcohol, and that any effort you make to try to please him will not be reciprocated. His lover will always be alcohol and that's that. You have never had a chance for a normal marriage with him and never will have a chance as long as he's addicted.

SO TRUE! This is what step one of Al-Anon is about. Admitting that I have no control over STBXH and his alcohol problem.

4. But your husband's decision to become sober (not a single drink of alcohol for the rest of his life) is a long-shot. A better prediction is that you will learn to have a very happy and fulfilling life without depending on your husband for your happiness or fulfillment.

And that's exactly what I'm doing. Having a happy and fulfilling life without depending on STBXH.

Sorry for your pain. I hope you get your feet under you soon, and walk straight to your future.

thanks barbiecat.
well, so much for going to the court house...
my car got stolen.

what?

omg

Well, that just sucks...sorry to hear that!

yeah... it really really really sucks!
hopefully i'll be buying another car tomorrow though.
so my STBXH's cousin is going through it now. Her husband decided he wanted a divorce shortly after re-connecting and visiting (out of state) with his ex-girlfriend, who also has children with him. my cousin-in-law has been completely devastated. i recommended this site and told her about plan A/B. she checked it out, but IDK if she has posted.
as for me, i'm really excited about tomorrow. i'm throwing a st. patrick's day party for all my friends and we're all getting dressed up.

The St. Patty's Day party was a lot of fun!
I bought a car on Friday!
I'm having one of those days where my mind is on STBXH and wishing things had not happened the way they did. I know I have to look foreward and not back. I am on step two of al-anon and it's about God returning me to sanity. I never realized I was insane for trying to get my husband back on track. I took him back so many times, each time believing him when he said he would change. I was in denial.
But not anymore! My friend Vi's divorce will be final in April, so we are going to plan a double divorce party. Might as well celebrate the end of chaos instead of be depressed over it, right?
I'm hoping to take a mini trip now that DD is on spring break. Gotta keep moving foreward!

I'm so mad at STBXH. He has not tried to contact our children in over two weeks. He was out in the feild for a bit, but he's back. DD has asked for him. I tried to let her call him today, and he picked up and hung up. I texted him "thats real nice of you to hang up on your daughter" He texted back "I didnt. My phone has no service. I'll call later" I texted "Ur lying, we heard someone answer and hang up." Then I said a bunch of mean things. I couldnt help myself when I saw the dissapointment on DD's face. He didnt call back. I knew he wouldnt. He never does what he says he's going to do anymore.

And yelling at him accomplishes, what?

And doing so in front of your child does, what?

Is it your plan to drive him away from his daughter and fill her full of hate?

See how it can look to someone on the outside looking in? Hey, I'm divorced. My focus is on what is best for my son. I am no angel and I too have not always acted as I should. I am trying to do better.

Larry

Oh I would never yell at him in front of her! I was texting. It's definitely not my plan to drive him away from his kids. I WANT him to talk to them. I'm mad because he wont! Even when he does call, he only talks to them for like 30 seconds each, and then asks to talk to me. I feel like if someone is hurting my child, which is what he's doing, I cant just be nice about it.

He, like a lot of males, loves his children through you. This is, in my opinion, like a lot of military men because of who they are and what they do for a living, the constraints of time and separation.

He needs divorce counseling to help him to attach with his offspring directly. The military has such counseling available at a confidential level that will not impact on his career. He is unlikely to understand this issue within himself and since I don't know him, haven't a clue how to get him to see it.

Perhaps IC counseling for daughter where the counselor will demand to see him and then HE can break the news to XH.

Larry

Larry, I think you owe her an apology for that roasting. She said in the original post that she texted her H, and you did not notice that. You have accused her of a very bad thing that she did not do.

Also, do you know that this man is an alcoholic? Is your advice about his parenting needs given through that filter?

I think many people would advise armywifie to leave H completely alone until and unless he deals with his addiction. It is not her job to help this alcoholic to do his job as a father.

Larry,

can you explain this please?

Thanks