I was reading on another thread about spouses who are tying to get their feelings back-how there are moments when they have the feelings but they seem to fade in and out or something to that affect.<P>My H said something similar this morning. Said he had moments when he felt romantic love for me and is praying for it to become stronger. My ? is whether this is a good sign that his feelings can and will return. I know there are others who say they don't feel any love, or, they feel love, but its more like friendship. Is there anyone on this board who truly felt like they didn't love their spouse with romantic love and then had it really return? Or are we just wishing for pie in the sky?<P>

Hurting wife. My H told me that and more. Once at the begining I asked him if maybe we could go out for dinner, like in a date and he told me he would only do that with someone he at least liked. Discounting the fact that the affair was quite strong at that time, it still his quite a hurtfull thing to say, and worse to know that he felt that way. <BR>In any case, I banked on my feeling that what he had felt for me before couldn't just have disapeared into thin air,in a matter of weeks, so my goal was to get it back. <BR>Tell you what, it has been more than a year since that conversation. ANd I have no doubts that my H loves me ( he doesn't let me have any either ) . He's been showing me in any way he can that he does care, the emotional part of our marriage is in great shape, and the sexual is even better if possible. I did wait for about7 months untill I got the firs true "I love you" but it was worth . <BR>SO don't give up. It does happen. I know it depends on a lot of things, but yes it is possible to regain that. help him along to get those feeling back by rememebring how it was, and what you used to do when you just got married. Reconnect with him in terms of who you are, and what your dreams and hopes are. Remember to do the small things that count and show him you're thinking about him ( but don't make a big deal about it ), in time you should be able to see some results.<BR>Do take care<BR>Kat<P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.

After my husband told me that he was out of love with me and thought thah we needed to separate,I did go through a period when, despite everthing I tried to do to renew the feelings of romantic love that he once had for me, he continued to say, when asked, that he just didn't feel it anymore. This was despite the fact that, with my determined efforts to help him out of his unhappiness, we were getting along really well, were good companions and friends, and enjoyed great sex. <P>I did not know during that time about the romantic (nonsexual)affair that he was involved in. They had convinced themselves that it was not wrong if they did not have sex til he left. Of course, this was the big carrot dangling before him to drive him to end him marriage. My husband had found a way to temporarily "have his cake and eat it too." He had this perfect love fantasy relationship with her where they idolized each other and treasured their brief times together. They both really believed that they had found their soulmates. They most frequently saw each other at church and choir practices when I was also present. I knew nothing of his commitment to her that he would leave me when school released for the summer and our son would be away for a week at camp. I thought we had come a long way and that leaving was completely out of his thoughts.<P>Suddenly, days after we returned from a really nice family vacation, he kept his word to her and moved out while our son was at camp (just like he'd mentionned once months before). After super human efforts from me, he returned after a few days to keep an earlier promise he'd made to go to counseling. Several days later, I found her love letters and because of my threats of ugly legal actions, they cut off all contacts. He then began to put forth good faith efforts in counseling. Within several months he was happier than ever in our marriage. He has endured a lot of anger and pain because the hurt has really damaged me. Nothing in my life has ever been so threatening or so painful. <P>After that, you would not believe the turnaround or the effects of the application of Dr. Harley's principals - ONCE THE OTHER WOMAN WAS OUT OF THE PICTURE. Try not to judge your husband based on his actions and judgments while under the influence of the other woman. All that will drastically change with time once contacts with her end. However, I believe with equal fervor that you may be extremely frustrated by his illogical and unappreciative responses to you as long as he continues to be involved with her and during the period immediately after the affair ends.<P>If she's still involved with him, focus on making it hard for him to continue a relationship with her and on making it easy and desirable for him to stay with his family.<P>My husband says now that he is so glad to be out of the affair and that he cannot understand how he could have been such a jerk and a fool. Good luck!

Thanks for the responses. The frustrating thing for me is that this affair has been over for at least 4 years because that is when the ow died. According to my H, this (emotional) affair ended after discovery back in 89 (ten years) although he does admit he did continue to see her around (no preset plans to see her-just ran into her now and then). Of course, he carried on some type of affair with her from the grave (claims he could hear her voice). He says now that he truly has let go of her and does not feel he is in love with her anymore. But we're talking about ten years! Ten years that his feelings for me have been alinated by her presence or memory. <P>He did say that he thought it was possible for us to find that love again. When discussing it yesterday, he mentioned how when he came home early from work (in the middle of the night) and had to wake me by knocking-the thought of his frightening me made him want to cry; somehow, he equates the fact that he he felt this way with loving me in some way, I guess.<P>I just can't help wondering if its really possible after all these years if, in fact, the truth is that his romantic desire for me has been out of whack for ten years.

HurtingWife:<P>I am really sorry that you are feeling so unloved. It is easy for me to understand the hurt that you must feel based upon your story. Lots of my frustration with my husband comes from the fact that he did not everchoose me over the other woman. The choice was made for him. Each choice that he made during the relationship seems to consistently have been against his me and our marriage. Further, he can come up with no mitigation of that fact - just that he was a jerk and that all that has changed now. I have problems accepting or trusting that but am living with the understanding that I'll just have to accept that. It is, however, one giant love buster for me. I really love my husband and appreciate him more than ever, but the memories of that time lurk in my mind like a giant shadow.<P>Have you read any books or attended any marital retreats about restoring the love or passion to your marriage? Have you and you H practiced the same behaviors toward each other that were more natural when the romance was there? Have you identified what may be standing in the way of those feelings now so that you can address them? Do you have a good counsellor? <P>I recently read about a Christian retreat to make your marriage better, and the agenda sounded really good. I would have loved to go. <P>Gee, I'm sure we all wish we had the answer for your situation and for our own. I really think it's possible in most situations for that love to return but agree that time alone is not the answer. Although I cannot remember author or title, I did read one book titled something like.... How One of You Can Make Your Marriage Better (that's not it, but it's close) If you haven't read it and are interested, I'll go find it. It was helpful to me.

Hi hurtingwife,<P>You and I have had alot of discussion over this very subject. You pretty much know what I think.<P>However, I did want to say one thing, and that is --- I <B>told</B> you so! <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>Said he had moments when he felt romantic love for me and is praying for it to become stronger. <BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Your husband is starting to get those feelings again! I think that is a great sign! Awesome! Keep it up, and give yourselves more time. Time, time, time! This is really great, hurtingwife!<P>--andy

Hi HW airheart is right. It takes time.<BR>It might have taken longer in your H's case because of her death. It waslike something was imcomplete. It never really ended the way it should. So it kept in his mind, which in turn didn't let him open to regain his feelings for you. But , there we go again, time passes, and he seems to be starting to understand now.<P>It can only get better from now on. Give it a chance and a bit more time <P>Take care<P>Kat<P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.

Hurting,<P>Get out those dusty deposit slips for the love bank and start depositing like crazy. Before you know it your account with H will exceed the minimum balance. He will feel the love returning.<P>Wishing us all the Best,<P>Medic

Thanks, everyone. Your kind words, concern and encouragement have made my day. My heart still feels broken, but your words have given me hope. Thanks, take care and wishing all of you the best in your situations.<P>Hurtingwife

My H says he cannot say he loves me, but says he never said he didn't. I'm really trying to show him how much I care, but he is depressed (really) and unhappy with his life. He says he is no happier with us apart than he was when we were together and he is "trying to find a light". I really wish we could get it back.