I see you've tried Love Dare and Love Must Be Tough. Have you tried the full Marriage Builders program? Or are you past the point where you feel you could try anything else?

I've been through almost exactly that.

That is an exceedingly insensitive teacher!!

It's beyond the pale for most people to think that a mother wouldn't love her own child, but it's something that really does happen. I lived it.

I can't possibly count or remember all the people who thought they were comforting me, when hearing about how alienated I was from my mother, to say, "Well, at least she still loves you." No, she did not.

Thankfully, I had a good father.

I found MB before she filed divorce papers, and we spent one night going over a WW's posts. I don't remember who she was but it was amazing how you could see this woman who came here transform. I have looked since, and have lost the name and posts.

That poster came here asking what to do, she was in love with this otherman, but had a great husband, that she did not want to hurt. She was just not "in love" with him.

The replys were at first tough, and then guiding, to cut off all contact" "fake it till you make it"

I read like 39 pages of posts with my wife. She didn't see any connection, because my wife felt like her OM was her "soulmate"

I tried to do Plan A, and June 1st, 2009, we had a long talk and she held my hands and said she wanted to be with me for the rest of her life. We both wanted to wiork on the marriage. I was served on the next morning. That means she was in court on the 1st filing the paperwork.

I believe we had a good marriage. My wife has decided there just isn't any future for me in her life.

Don't know if MB can help me other than to be able to talk/ or post rather with people who understand. No one in my family of friends have ever been divorced, I guess I drew the short straw.

If you can think of a way MB could save my family, please let me know, I get some dark days, and maybe I just cant see what is right in front of me.

thanks for all the posts and support.

Wow. That sounds really similar to what happened to my dad. I am so sorry.

[quote]If you can think of a way MB could save my family, please let me know, I get some dark days, and maybe I just cant see what is right in front of me. /quote]

The only thing I would say is don't throw in the towel until you have a one-on-one phone consult with Steve Harley.

The other thing I would say is hug your kids, and let them know they are welcome to be with you any time they want to be.

I am sorry 1stepforward for all that you have been through. I hope things start to get better for you.

I am sorry for everything that your children are going through. You are a great Dad and you are doing all the right things for them.

Everyone pays the price for their decisions. I am paying the price for mine now. What we do today, will impact our tomorrow. There are no exceptions. Sometimes people cannot see the consequence until some later time---days, months, years. Your soon to be ex wife may not see the damage that she continues to cause now, but she will feel that impact at some point in time --- maybe many years from now.

IMHO that consequence will be a damaged relationship with her children. She will not have the same bond that you and your children share and will continue to share/build.

I know because after my parents divorced---my Dad was still around, but not in the same way that my mother was. 20 years later today---I would jump in front of a bus for my mother. I might think before jumping if it was my father...just saying.

I know you miss your family and the way things were before your wife hooked up with her old boyfriend. But when you say "save my family," what exactly do you mean, OneStep?

Because given this (and other things) from your first post:
I would be hesitant to advise you to reconcile with her. Maybe I'm misunderstanding you.

~opt

I do miss my family, and would at one time have reconciled. I have stood for my marriage even for a while after the divorce papers were filed.

However, my wife has done so much to try and hurt me and to try and move our kids away to where the OM lives. You can only stand for your marriage for so long, while you are defending yourself from the blasts in Divorce.

She is making poor decisions, and I do not think she is in a place to be a good mom, right now, but I want my kids to have a good mom, and this is the person who is their mom. I am not interested in finding a replacement, just to give my kids the family they deserve.

My kids are now my family, I decided my wife left the family when she chose the OM.

There are days when I wish I could go back to us being together, but other days I hope she runs away with this OM.
They deserve each other. Imagine the level of trust they will have. they both cheated on their spouses, to seek their own happiness.

I just want to be in a place where it doesn't matter what happens in her life, the family will go on without her.


No worries, with the things she has said and done to our kids, I don't think she is very healthy for them to be around.

That is essentially correct. I remember telling my mother I just wanted my family back. She responded that that family didn't exist any more.

I put two and two together and realized that what changed was my mother left my family (even though my father left the house, at her request). So I stuck with my family, my father, and skipped out on the woman who wasn't my family any more, much to my own personal benefit.

--Shwhew! I thought you might be starting to talk crazy, OneStep.

In that case:

Nothing will happen over night, but, I would say, definitely. In my understanding MB principles can absolutely be applied to the individual life as well as that of the �family� (including kids).

It didn�t take me long to figure out, for example, that my AO�s were not just a LB�s to my wife, but to my kids as well. For heaven�s sake I was scaring the poor little darlings.

Love Bank concept works for your family as well as everyone you come in contact with- I�ve been familiar with the �emotional bank account� concept for years and it is a very good way of monitoring your standing with people. It�s human nature.

Disrespectful Judgements: You use these around your kids about anyone (including your xww) and you are teaching them how to do the same. I know you are attentive to this � right on for you.

Independent Behavior: well, you�re the Dad, so what you say goes, to an extent. I don�t think it�s anything wrong with starting out �How do you guys feel about�.,� however. That teaches good interpersonal communication skills; even if you rarely compromise.

I could go on and on. You get the point.


I hope this answers your question, 1SF. If I�ve pointed out things you were already aware of, sorry for that.
FWIW, I�m working on implementing these concepts into my life, currently with ww (as she is on her way out the door), myself, and my kids. One day when I start dating, I hope to be an expert.


~opt

I never wanted this divorce. I find myself in a tough place right now. I am currently have custody of our kids, with my wife having 2 week-ends a month. I am grateful that I am able to help my kids through this, and be the stable parent for them.

However...... The court system so favors the mom in this state, that I am still paying her child support every month. At the same amount as when she had 50% custody. And the court ordered me tp pay for the day care for my youngest, the therapy for my kids, the doctor appointments for them.

It would be ok if I brought home more each paycheck than her but she is currently bringing home more every payday than me. On top of that I have legal fees, and a court appointed CFI that I have to pay for. I am also paying for our medical benifits, car insurance and our family credit cards. I am filing bankrupcy to try and survive.

I hate to think that I will lose custody of my kids, not because of bad parenting, but because of the debt load given from the courts. I might have to let my lawyer go to be able to pay all of the bills.

I respect those who are single parents, but this bias against dads is just not right.

Is there any way you can repetition the court or appeal its ruling?

I KNOW!
That sounds crazy.

Admittedly I only know what I know from my state, but the above just doesn't seem right, even in the land of Oz.

We are still in temporary orders, so we see the judge again next month. No way to appeal, even my attorney was shocked. I was upset that my attorney did not try to do more to get it changed.

I have 2 concerns by this temporary order. First that the judge is setting up maintenance for her, and this is how he wants to implement it. Or two , the one that really causes me concern, is that he is just letting me have custody for now, to get the kids back on track with school, and councilling sessions, and drs appts. then when they are caught up in their lives, the judge will go back to 50/50 custody to give my wife another chance to parent our kids.

I have done everything the court has asked, I have done everything I have read to try and help my kids through this destructive time. I hate to think that I am just being used to get my kids to a better launching place. My wife has not attended a parent teacher confrence for either of our kids in school, and she has not helped them do their homework, when they are with her.

When I was originally thrown out of their lives, my kids spent those 3 months, until I had my chance to prove she was lying in court, going downhill. My oldest went from a c+/b- student which is great with her adhd issues, to not doing any schoolwork or homework, and was finally allowed to sit on the floor and play while the rest of the class was learning. She was kicked out of this school in September 2009. I was given 50% custody 2 days before the school made their decision. My wife never went to any of the meeting to discuss options for her. I was able to go and get her re-enstated to the district, and enrolled in a program at another elementary school. Since I recieved custody every week-day in January, She has caught up to the rest of the fourth grade.

It takes a lot of work and patience, and I don't want my kids to fail. My son has also caught up on his reading level, and was awarded a certificate for his community helper presentation.

I had to petition the courts for my kids to be able to call me if they wanted during her parenting time. Even though the court ruled that it was in the kids best interest for them to have unrestricted communication to the parents, My wife still does not allow them to call me, or my calls to get to them. She doesn't get it. Our kids need our help to get through this.

your post really fires me up.

can you consider getting another attorney?

opt

I am letting him go, but I wont be able to afford another on. I am going to represent myself, heck my wife has been without an attorney for a couple months and the court has granted her some favor.

Financially this has been so devistating.

Just going to keep doing the right things and I believe this is going to work out.

Spent all I got and more to get where I am. burdened with a bunch of legal debt.

Sadly, My wife when this first started and she "loved me, but was no longer in love with me" said she just wanted to get an apartment, and I could keep the house, and we would co-parent the kids. I was trying to save the family, and worked on the relationship. Then she hired an attorney..... We have lost our house, and are both in debt, and now will have no legal council to represent either party. The kids are struggling, but they are happier to be with me most of the time. My son said it best when he said "Dad, when we are with you, you spend time with us, you aren't on the phone or computer all of the time" You would think she could be with the kids when she has her 4 days a month parenting time.

Shoot, step, that sounds horrible.

The one GOOD thing I see there is this: your kids are well on track to being bonded with you, not your wife.

I know some will tell me that is terrible, but it's my honest opinion.

You are there for them, you are helping them. They will likely want to be with you over her, and they almost certainly need to be.

Not me! Totally right Marcos. Totally right.

Kids know what's right. They're LUCKY they have at least one parent with some integrigty and upstanding values.

~opt

I was afraid of this. Sorry, OSF.

Amazing isn't it?
There's a good friend of mine here with the same problem. And I've heard the same from my kids in the past about Mrs. Opt. It's like they can't deal with real life so the computer becomes an addiction...(I dunno).

opt

Weel we go for another day in court on Tuesday. This wont be the final, just an update to the judge as to where we are with custody and division of assets.

It bothers me that she has taken everything we have earned over the last 20 years together, and she wants more. What was left behind for me was broken or unuseable. I know its just stuff, but it just doesn't seen right that swhe is the one having an affair, and she gets everything.

Custody is also a very big contention. She wants the kids so she can get more CS. She has still not met withy any of the teachers, nor taken the kids for any Doctor appts. However, I believe her just being the mom gives her a leg up in court, even if I have been helping my kids get caught up in school, and taking them to the Doctor appts.

Remember us in your prayers before tuesday, Thanks

I know it may be tough to do in such a short timeline, but can you contact the school and obtain documentation that YOU and not your STBX have been the sole support for the kids with the school?

At minimum, take copies of any report cards or notes/letters from the school that show the comparison of how they were when in her custody vs yours.

Same for dr appointments. Do you have copies of the dr report or at minimum, a receipt showing that YOU were there and paid for the visits?

Use the time between now and Tuesday to think of anything and everything you can lay your hands on to prove yourself as the responsible parent.

I love that you are fighting to do what is right for your kids. Just remember you are at the point where the gloves HAVE to be off. This is a fight for their futures -- dare I say for their very quality of life. From what I've read, you are the kind of Dad that is willing to do whatever it takes to do what is best for them. Think inside and outside the box and find some ways to prove your case.

When in court, take the approach with the judge NOT that you are trying to make her look like a bad mother, but simply that you are there to show what a GREAT father you are! It should go across better than a negative tact.

Best wishes for a good outcome! I'll be keeping you and your kids in my prayers.