Hello everyone, im a lurker for a few mos now. My husband and I married in July 2008, after living together for 8 years. We have no children. Im 37 , hes 35.

During our living together time things were good. Until april 2008. He began talking online through emails with an exgirlfiend. He was saying that he wasnt happy in our relationship. He never saw her (1500 mi away) I found the emails, confronted, he said he was moving back home (half way across the country)because he missed it and his love for me was overshadowed by missing his home/family. She lives near his home btw. He began making plans, this lasted 3 days. We then began to talk and he backtracked. He said he wanted to try to work it out. He recomited to our relationship. I did not feel quite right at the time about everything because I still didnt really understand why he said he had been so unhappy during that period of emailing the exgf. Nothing had changed prior to that (no fighting, problems etc). He stopped all contact with exgf. Still, things were good, we married 3 mos later.

We bought our first house June 2009. We got our cats July 2009. Things seemed good. November 2009 he began an affair with a coworker. I found out within a week. I had been feeling something was going on, he was pulling away. I questioned, he denied. I couldnt sleep due to the anxiety. I called his work that night when he supposedly had to go in (unusual for him). He was not there. I began calling his cell, no answer. I finally reached him the next morn at work when then next shift (which he also claimed to be working) began. I started accusing him, he denied, hung up on me, said wed talk when he got home.

He came home after that shift and denied cheating (physically)but said this marriage is not working out, he is unhappy. He said the "i love you but not in love with you" thing. He said our marriage was "unhealthy". I knew he was parroting someones words. I was floored. He packed some bags while I took off to my moms.

He was gone for two months during which he came home periodically to do house maint, and get more stuff. My sister was good enough to stay with me pretty much day and night for comfort for the first 6 weeks or so. I dont know what i would have done without her support. I was shook to the core.

He lived with the OW for a few weeks, then got his own appartment. We talked during this time about what to do with the house etc. I saw a lawyer who advised me to just bankruptcy the house and get a divorce. Neither can afford this house alone. There is no equity. The idea of this sickened both of us. He continued to pay some of the mortgage during this two mos. I stayed here. We began talking about our relationship and hanging out together at the house. He called after one of these nights and asked me if there was anyway we could work this out. He told me things were over with OW. I pressed him on it. He claimed things had been over for weeks. I agreed, he came home. I told him he had to completely end contact with her. He said he had.

I let him home too quickly. I believed that the best place for us to work on this marriage was together. We agreed to get counseling. We began to get things from his apartment. He gave up the apart. I told him all the time that if he was unsure he should keep it. He had some talk with OW at work about her things he still had and then he comes home and tells me he isnt attracted to me. More "not IN love with you" I told him he couldnt continue to do this to me. He said he was sorry but wouldnt continue to drag this out. He again said he was packing to leave. I left as well, he called me on my cell like 30 min later begging me to come home. I come home to him sobbing and saying over and over "im sorry". His explanation was he knew he would be making the biggest mistake of his life by leaving, that all he and OW had was just sex.

He stayed, things were strained at times, good at others. OW never really giving up. I know they msgd eachother at work a few times. He said she was threatening suicide. He was not with her because he was accountable at all times but they still worked together. I checked cell records, bank records, I snooped constantly. She never gave up. Mar 1 he was home sick from work. She called and said she was leaving it was her last day. She didnt get a rise out of him. She called back to try to get him to meet her to talk about something important. He said no, she said she was coming over (my house!) He called me at work to come home. I came home. She was saying she was pregnant! I stay we talk for about an hour, agreeing that she is lying. (shes lied about this twice prior to that in their 8 weeks seeing eachother)I returned to work and he called and said she was at house and that he had called police. I came home. She was still there with the police. She actually tried to get me to come talk to her. She threatened suicide and the police took her away to a crisis center. She was texting my husband to come and get her because they wouldnt release her! She knows no boundaries. The next day at work he went to HR and told them he couldnt work with her anymore. She was offered another shift. She refused it and resigned. He got a temp restraining order against her. He was not granted a permanant one. During this time she is still claiming pregnancy and I find out she has been talking with my MIL! Finally after a week more my H meets with her at hotel! and asks her to take a test. It comes out positive. The next day she calls my H at work and says she lost the baby after he saw her the night before and that she had been hosp all night. He meets her at park and tells her he is done.

Sunday i check cell records and see that she has msn msg'd him 9 times but that he didnt respond back. I look at his email, on 3/18 she commented his myspace pic saying "i love you with all my heart my boyfriend"

I come home and confront him. He says hes done nothing. He admits to talking with her a few times and then tells me he still is not in love with me. He thinks of me like a sister. I ask him to leave. He refuses. We truly cannot afford an apartment and this house. He wants me to hold out a few more mos until he goes back in the navy. He is staying in the spare room. He says he wasnt lying he really thought he still loved me but now has decided were only together because its comfortable. He says he tried, if he could flip a switch and love me he would do it. He says he wants to but just doesnt.

I really feel like she brainwashes him. I know I cannot keep on working on this marriage while he is in this fog and they are still in contact. To me there was hope when they werent contacting eachother.

I really feel there is something wrong with the way he is wired. Its like he doesnt match sex with love. Our sex lives have been lacking in the frequency department for years. We were going to seek counseling on this. I know he withdrew sexually in his last relationship prior to me. I really believe he loves me as much as he is capable of loving anyone. He has never had any relationship, friend or romantic as long as he has with me. He has no friends. Right now she is his only friend outside of me.

I feel my life has turned into a Jerry Springer show. I dont know what to do. We cannot afford to separate. I am now on antidepressants and probably will see the counselor alone. I feel so screwed up and weakened. I cannot eat half the time. I have lost 35 lb. I needed to lose this weight anyway. I am dieting and walking because I need to care for myself. In a way I believed that losing weight would make him be attracted to me again. I am close now to the wt I was at when we met. Now Im beginning to think its his mental problem, not my appearance. I am more like a best friend to him.

I have stopped talking to my family about him because I dont want to build a bigger wall between them and him. I cant really move home as my moms house is full and there isnt really room for me and def not my cats. I know it may sound silly to some of you to put my cats in the equation but I feel lately that that only good things in my life beside my loving family is my job, cats and feeling better about myself with this wt loss. I do realize that Im fortunate in those ways and it is more than many others have.

The whole exposure idea will do nothing in my case. Her family knows he is married and they still allowed my H to stay with them for weeks. His work knows because he explained his affair to his boss and HR. His mother knows and all she could care about was the possibility of a grandchild.

I cannot believe I am living this life. If anyone has any advice for me, please let me know, im sorry this is so long!

Whoops. You made a mistake. No reason continuing to perpetuate that mistake the rest of your life. Your WH is just not marriage material. He cannot commit to one woman. He's constantly seeking affirmation/romance with another woman, and will continue to do so until he dies. He's got issues. You can't fix him. Only he can, and he won't as long as he has you as a fallback. This man is a serial cheater. Divorce him and move on. Be more selective next time, and if you see a red flag, don't ignore it.

I'm almost tempted to say, cut your losses and get out...luckily you have no kids...

But, if you AND your hubby sincerely want to work this out...it's going to take an enthusiastic agreement from both of you to make this work...a lot of intense counseling and accountability...i would suspect he has deep rooted issues that need to be explored professionally and Marriage Builders will not help with this...

Sorry for your heart ache...

Thank you both for your replies. I think you may both be right. There is no hope for us right now. There will continue to be no hope as long as he is in contact with her.

I really never thought he would cheat on me. silly silly me! i guess I just believed that he was just venting to that old gf. They hadnt been making plans together but clearly (inappropriately) discussing our relationship. I forgave him. When he started talking marriage to me again, I believed that he just realized that he almost made a big mistake. He was truly sorry.

I do feel like we had a bad attempt at reconciliation due to the amt of stress he allowed this OW to put on our relationship with her constant antics, esp the fake baby. Its like we never had a shot to move past it because he didnt do enough to make her stop.

I do think hes got some deep rooted issues. He was raised w/o a father. His mother was lied to by a married man for mos when she got pregnant. She never knew he was married with a child on the way bc he was living alone. When my husbands OW called my MIL about her supposed pregnancy, my MIL was just sucked in deep. Shes got some mental problems and Im beginning to think my H does as well. He has a love/hate relationship with his mom.

I don't believe that you or anyone here has the authority to say that.

On your own thread in 101, MelodyLane very thoroughly explained how MB works, and why traditional therapy does not. She used Dr Harley's explanation that traditional therapy focuses on the past and keeps a couple focused on their past conflicts for a long time.

You agreed with that, because you have experienced exactly that syndrome in traditional counselling!

Perhaps this poster SHOULD cut her losses in this short marriage with no children. I have read that Dr Harley has advised divorce in such situations. However, MB will work for any couple where BOTH put full effort into the programme. It requires that deep-rooted issues be put in the past and new behaviours learned.

Sure I do...I slept in a Holiday Inn Express last night...LOL
And I still do...dragging past arguments and conflicts back out into the light and trying to solve them is not the answer...luckily for me and my situation we have a new counselor who believes the same thing.

But, "DEEP ROOTED" issues goes well beyond the current relationship "conflicts"...hence "DEEP ROOTED"...it's very difficult to "learn" a new behavior by reading a few books when you were wired to act a certain way growing up...be it abused sexually as a child...being raised by an abusive alcoholic parent...ect...some people can actually move past that and are in tune with their past and not let it affect their current relationships...some on the other hand can't and simply "masking" the core issue, with a new found behavior, may work for awhile, but eventually it'll rear its ugly head again...until we understand and recognize why our defense mechanisms are programmed the way they are.

MB's is a GREAT concept...I love it! For a traditional couple whose marriage has lost its fire, its spark due to life in general...MB's is a great way to jump start the relationship and rediscover intimacy...even in the case of infidelity where the lack of meeting EN's is the identifying factor of the affair can work in regard to MB's, BUT like you said...BOTH parties have to put their full undivided attention into the program.

BUT when it comes to chronic cheaters, sex addiction issues...ect...MB's isn't going to work...sorry

Psychobabble.

I agree.

You just need to learn right from wrong and stop doing wrong.

Dr. Harley has stated in many instances that MB/plan A/B won't work if there are other issues like drug/alcohol abuse, physical abuse, sex adddiction, etc. Those issues need to be corrected first before the MB program will work.

I don't hold out any hope that her WH will change, at least not while he's still with her. This man is a serial cheater who was having an affair before he married her. He's just not marriage material.

Sorry, but that is nonsense. We have numerous marriages here that have recovered from BOTH and I don't think its cool to come on Marriage Builders and mislead newcomers to the contrary. This board is set up to help these people. You have no right to come here and run people off this board.

username, I do agree with the others here that you have made a huge mistake in your choice of a partner and might oughta cut your losses. This program WILL WORK if you are both invested in change, but you cannot make him change against his will. Sorry you are here.

The notion that one must work out "deep rooted issues" is also not a view that can be supported and is most certainly NOT held by Dr. Harley, a clinical psychologist.

yeah, that'll work! try that trick on someone battling addiction and see how far that'll get ya...LOL

That is how addicts beat addiction all the time. They don't delve into the past; they stop the current behaviour. Delving into the past gives the addict EXCUSES for their current bad behaviour.

That is the approach taken by AA. I have read this here from number of ex-addicts, such as MelodyLane.

In the case of alcohol and sex addictions, those problems need to be treated FIRST. However, that does not apply to serial cheaters. Their problem is handled the same as any other affair. Addiction to Pornography

Alcoholic Spouse

And secondly, at least in the case of substance addictions, they are not treated by going to a counselor and yapping about "deep rooted issues," they are helped by changing current behavior.

Going to a counselor and yapping about "issues" is a DISTRACTION from resolving problems. A good counselor sends his addicted clients to AA and NA. In fact, they call AA members to take their clients to AA meetings. Counselors attend AA themselves for their own addiction problems.

If I started yapping about my "deep rooted issues" at AA, they would tell me to shut up! They don't want to hear that crap and tell people to "take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth."

There was nothing in the poster's orginal post that would prompt any observation other than that her H was a typical wayward, and yet you immediately pronounced that you believed he had "deep rooted issues that need to be explored professionally". Where did you get that idea??

So what does our poster do? Of COURSE she's going to start looking into the past, thinking back about "I do think hes got some deep rooted issues. He was raised w/o a father. His mother was"...etc etc. Geez - if that were the case, none of us would be on here! We'd all be lying on an analyst's couch, having our childhood brains picked!

username's WH displayed IB and lack of boundaries. Is her M salvageable? Sure - if that's what they both want. And they can get there from MB. I'm looking at these encouraging comments from username: "I saw a lawyer who advised me to just bankruptcy the house and get a divorce. Neither can afford this house alone. There is no equity. The idea of this sickened both of us." and "We began talking about our relationship and hanging out together at the house. He called after one of these nights and asked me if there was anyway we could work this out."

This is your typical A. Drop the damaged childhood entitlement crap. That doesn't apply here.

BINGO!

Dr Harley has never said this about "sex addiction". That is wrong.

No Bingo.

Where has this guy been diagnosed with a sex addiction or a subtance addiction? Did I miss that part?

Please quote the part of username's post that would lead you to believe that her H is a sex addict with deep-seated emotional issues. I can't find it. What I'm seeing is a guy who was with user for 8 years, whose ENs aren't being met, went looking to get them met by beginning an EA with an old 'safe' contact (xgf). He chose to end that. He and user married. His PA began a year and a half later. With...wait for it...a co-worker. As usual.

This is a wayward who needs MB. I believe user and WH can make it - if they're both committed to MB principles and are willing to do the work.

Username, sorry you are here. I think it might be helpful for you to take a giant step back and think carefully.
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Are you back yet?
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A little further...
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Ok, now, you're sitting in a Denny's Restaurant and your dearest friend from high school is telling you... well, telling you exactly what you just told us in your first post.
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What are your thoughts?
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Take yourself out of the equation for a minute and ask yourself if this man EVER was really marriage material. You're not that old, but you ain't gettin' any younger. Do you want to continue to pick up these pieces for the um-teenth time?
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Sure, it's going to be tough. There is marital property to divide. And some pets. And some photos. But ten years from now, all the pets will be dead. The property will be a distant memory. The photos will be faded. But where will YOU be? Where do you WANT to be?
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You want to be with this guy "because you love him..." I would argue that no, you want to be "with a guy who you love and who loves you back." That ain't gonna happen with Mr. Wrong.
Take a deep breath and buckle up. Get the heavy lifting out of the way and get on with the business of building your life with supportive, loving, consistent friends and family.