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Joined: Mar 2010
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Joined: Mar 2010
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New person on this blog... sorry if this has been asked but I can't spare the time to look at 2100 posts... I caught my wife having an affiar last week. It was 5 months long. The affair is over and we had our fist counseling appt last night. I am a great husband and have often been complimented on because I do so much around the house and with the kids in order to give my wife (Who I seem to love more now than ever because I almost lost her...weird huh?) time to do whatever she wants. My wife acknowledges this and loves me for it. It is my poor communication and emotional and physical expertise that led her astray... Any way, we are both commited to putting this in the past. What is so painful is that I, the victim want the solution over and done with so we can get back to where we were.... she says she needs time to heal from the affair and fall back in love with me....
Help #1 - Any tips on how I can stay patient?
Help #2 - any tips on how to speed up the 'falling back in love' process?
Thanks
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Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 183
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Joined: Dec 2009
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It is my poor communication and emotional and physical expertise that led her astray...
Thanks That's rich! It's YOUR fault she boinked someone else? Did she convince you of this?
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Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
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Joined: Oct 2000
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Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 2
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Joined: Mar 2010
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Let me clarify... Yes, she walked thru the threshold, not me. No mistaking that, nor is she trying to put the blame on me. I was just trying to say that some of my faulst have been ID'd and we are in therapy. She too has issues that we are addressing... I am simply looking for some tips to stay patient and how to speed up recovery...
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Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 134
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As a BS (betrayed Spouse) I, too, could easily see where my actions made our marriage less than ideal. However, don't confuse that with what caused your spouse to stray. Your WW had an affair because she had loose boundaries.
Boundaries are how we make all our decisions:" I'll never slap my kids, I'll never cheat on my taxes, I'll never murder someone". Unfortunately, your wife probably thought she had a boundary that said "I'll never cheat on my DH". The thing people forget is that you have to have a plan on how those things are never going to happen.
In my DH's case, he had a friendship and a common interest with a lady from our church. Sounds innocent, doesn't it? Well, we have learned the hard way that the first part of that sentence, "he had a frienship ... with a lady" can NEVER happen. She was filling the role of confidant and sounding board that I should have been doing. My DH never told me that he wanted more of that from me, therefore, I am innocent of the cause of the A. We have now put EPs (extraordinary Precautions) in place including he is never to have female friends. I already instinctively knew I can never have male friends. We also have employed Openess and Honesty, Policy of Joint Agreement, etc. You can read about all these things on this website.
That doesn't mean I can't work on being more available to him (which I have) but I do not accept blame for the A.
The other thing I notice in your post is that you want to "get over it". I am the first person to tell you, that doesn't work. You sound like a conflict avoider. STOP THAT NOW! It does a marriage no good and just causes problems in the long run. You cannot sweep this under the rug and pretend it didn't happen. It is very normal to be more in love with your spouse right after finding out about the A. Don't mistake that for recovery. You have a long difficult road ahead in recovering from this A and you need to learn alot. You need details, you need to know about the ramifications to you (have you been tested for STD's?)You need to make sure that the other people in the scenario are exposed and contrite. Does the OM's W know?
ME: 45 FBS
FWH: GloveOil 43
D-Day 1/7/09 (A: 10/08-1/09)
DD: 16
DS: 12
Married: 19 years
In love for 24+ years and counting!
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Let me clarify... Yes, she walked thru the threshold, not me. No mistaking that, nor is she trying to put the blame on me. I was just trying to say that some of my faulst have been ID'd and we are in therapy. She too has issues that we are addressing... I am simply looking for some tips to stay patient and how to speed up recovery... Hi icehockey, sorry you are here. What it will take to recover are a few key steps. It will not happen overnight though. 1. she must end all contact with her OM - this is CRITICAL. they should never see or talk or email each other ever again 2. if he is married, his wife should be told - BY YOU 3. all information about the affair should be shared with you to your satisfaction, holding nothing back. This is the first step towards building trust 4. a no contact letter should be sent to the OM and his wife - written by her, approved by you and mailed/emailed together [template is in the book Surviving an Affair - I will post it in the next post] 5. She has to change the environment that led to the affair. For example, if she met him while traveling then the solution is to never spend the night apart again 6. complete transparency. you should have all of her passwords and you should know where she is at all times of the day 7. Get the book Surviving an Affair and follow the program in there - it WILL lead to romantic love again if you follow it to the letter How to Survive Infidelity <----watch this and read the article please read this next part very carefully: The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide. I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail. The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy. This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted. An analysis of the betrayed spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them. After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts http://marriagebuilders.com/ca/to.cgi?l=qa080103bcas your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent [from SAA, pg 58] OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.
Sincerely, XXXXX
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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