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Joined: Apr 2001
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Originally Posted by lisafran
I know in my head that of all the people I should forgive in my life, it should be the man who has done more for me than anyone, but it is just so hard!!!!!! I don't want to find myself 2 years down the road in the same situation!

lisa, here is what Dr Harley recommends on the subject of "forgiveness", this is a fascinating article:

Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Oct 2009
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Originally Posted by lisafran
Dirigo96 and Marital Bliss,

We have been married for 21 years and he says this is the first time he had an A. He says that the reason it happend was a multitiude of things. He claims that it was not just the excitement, but that he just turned 45 and went to the Dr. and he weighed more than he ever had. He then started losing weight (45 lbs.) He is blaming this on a mid-life crisis. At the same time this was going on (4-6 weeks) I had back problems and could not walk and had to have emergency back surgery. (He says that has nothing to do with what happened, but the timing is something not to be ignored.) I would love to do a MB Weekend, but he may be reluctant as he is a very private person and HATES group settings. We have one son who is a teenager and knows we are having problems, but does not know the particulars.

I worry that he has had the taste for the excitement and eventually it will happen again, even though he seems to be so sorry for all that he has done. I am just not sure if I will be able to get past this! It has been a month and I seem to be having a hard time being receptive to saving the marriage. (This is not my personality. I am typically a very positive and forgiving person.) I know in my head that of all the people I should forgive in my life, it should be the man who has done more for me than anyone, but it is just so hard!!!!!! I don't want to find myself 2 years down the road in the same situation!

So...it sounds like your WH got some type of need met by the OW in the beginning, even in the most innocuous way, and liked the little jolt of adrenaline that he got from that encounter. It could have been a random positive remark about his appearance, or a funny joke that he admired - she could have admired something he had said or done. (Mark needs to weigh in here on the chemical reactions that occur in the wayward brain at this point.) He liked the feeling and pursued it, thinking he was ENTITLED to that, after all he's been through, having to deal with getting older, gaining weight, not feeling at the top of his game, the emotional wear and tear of his partner having health issues. Totally crazy and without boundaries. Totally normal for a wayward.

Now you get to deal with the fallout. It's called the rollercoaster, and for good reason. One minute you'll be up with the idea of healing and growing old together. The next minute second you'll be ready to kick his a@@ to the curb and not even bother giving him time to pack. Steel yourself, girl. Like a lot of us say, recovery is not for wimps. Understand that you'll have down times, so they won't carry you off when they happen. A month isn't very long. You've got a ways to go yet, I'm sorry to tell you.

At least get your H on here and reading. If he's not a reader, there are videos. Print material off and read it to him. That's what I did. Yep, you'll be doing a lot of work. Is it fair? No way! Is it worth it? Only you can answer that. It was, and is, for me. loveheart


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Joined: Mar 2010
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Thanks for the info. This site has proven invaluable to me! It is nice not to feel alone!

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