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Just some questions about your marriage attitudes as related to your parents.
For those who would be so kind as to respond, thank you!
1. Were your parents married (to each other)?
2. How long were your parents married?
3. If your parent's marriage ended in divorce, please state why.
4. How did your parent's attitudes about marriage effect you?
5. How did your parent's attitudes about divorce effect you?
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Just some questions about your marriage attitudes as related to your parents.
For those who would be so kind as to respond, thank you!
1. Were your parents married (to each other)? Yes.
2. How long were your parents married? 26 years until my father passed away.
3. If your parent's marriage ended in divorce, please state why. NA
4. How did your parent's attitudes about marriage effect you? I saw a lot of behind-the-scenes bickering and happy faces in public so I grew up thinking that this is the way marriage is... you fight and fuss (and LB all over the place!) and make up sometimes, but you never let anyone outside the home know what was really going on.
5. How did your parent's attitudes about divorce effect you? NA
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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I'll go first.1. Were your parents married (to each other)?Yes. Second marriage for both.
Each had a brief previous marriage during WWII. (Long story .... those were times of lost connections and misunderstandings)
2. How long were your parents married?50 + years3. If your parent's marriage ended in divorce, please state why.They remained married until Mom's death.
Dad never remarried, although he recently proposed marriage to one of his nursing home caretakers. 
It was a dementia-induced proposal.
He's since "moved on" to flirting with all females.  4. How did your parent's attitudes about marriage effect you?My parent's were not wealthy.
They struggled with some money issues.
They overcame.
Later in life, they were financially well off.
I watched them tough some stuff out.
It effected my expectations about marriage.
I did not expect a "soulmate" sort of arrangement.
I did have expectations of getting through the tough times as a team.
I also saw that sticking things out can reap economic benefits as well as family/emotional & relationship growth.5. How did your parent's attitudes about divorce effect you?They were not disapproving of divorce. (They were both divorced right after WWII).
Their attitude about divorce was that it is common, and it is not an easy road to take.
My parents never asked me if I was going to get a divorce after H's infidelity.
They wanted us to work it out, if possible.
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1. Yes
2. 50 years
3. N/A, my dad passed 20 days after their 50th anniversary.
4. I only ever heard my parents fight once when I was 10. I think what I took away from this is that conflict has no place in marriage; that if you're unhappy you're just supposed to suck it up. My dad was career army so this may have had something to do with it.
My mom was a SAHM for my dad's career in the army. After he retired, she went to school and got a career in the computer industry (this was 1979 mind you) and my dad became a SAHD. This led me to believe that only one parent should be working outside the home, and one should be a stay-at-home parent, if at all possible.
As an army family we moved a lot for my dad's job. After retirement, we moved to Dallas for my mom's job. This reinforces to me the wisdom of having only one career going at a time - there is no conflict over whose career takes 'precedence'.
Interestingly, my mom said my dad had a very high sex drive, and that more than once he made love to her in her sleep. She sounded amused when she told me that and made it sound like an endearing quality. She insists that part of a wife's duty is to take care of her husband's sexual needs, because if she doesn't, he'll find someone who will.
In some ways my parents' marriage was a study in what not to do. After my mom retired, she had these visions of traveling together, going to art museums together...basically all the recreational things they'd put on hold. My dad wanted to sit around, read the paper and yell at the TV. My take-away from this was don't put your RC time on hold because you may never get it.
5. They never divorced, but both my sisters did - one due to DV and alcoholism, the other was a BW. My mom's mother was also divorced by her 2nd husband after 35 years (1st husband died when my mom was a baby).
What I got from this was that there are inarguable, automatic reasons for divorce without having to try working things out. My oldest sister I think neglected her WH to pursue her career and education, and I think the possibility of working things out with him never entered her mind because of how we were raised.
My other sister actually married the same guy twice, once in 1980, and again in 1990 or so. Same result both times, except she was pregnant (with his) when she married him the second time. Divorced him for the same reasons and never remarried. Lesson: people can change, but sometimes they don't. Also doing the same thing and expecting different results is the definition of insanity.
My grandmother was divorced after 35 years. She basically rolled over, used the same lawyer as my wayward step-grandfather, and got run over by a truck in the settlement. My mom says she was hoping that even in the courtroom he'd call it all off, profess his love for her, and take her in his arms to the sweeping strains of violins. Lesson: divorce is war, and go big or go home.
Me - 44
DW - 39
Married 16 years
DS10
DS6
DD4
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Just some questions about your marriage attitudes as related to your parents.
For those who would be so kind as to respond, thank you!
1. Were your parents married (to each other)?
Yes till my Dad died.
2. How long were your parents married?
3 months shy of their 50th anniversary. My Dad was going in for surgery and he told me to buy a card for my Mom for their 50th anniversary and if something happened to her to take her out for dinner on their 50th. He died the next day on Father's Day.
3. If your parent's marriage ended in divorce, please state why. NA
4. How did your parent's attitudes about marriage effect you?
I thought marriage was for life. I had a great example.
5. How did your parent's attitudes about divorce effect you?
I wanted my marriage and I always think that my Dad would be so disappointed in XH who he loved like a son.
Me 55, XWH 53, M 22 years
D17, D30
alien replaces my husband "I'm not happy" -7/08
Discover OW-8/08 (his direct report and I work there also)
H moves out 10/1/08, confront Ow 10/28/08
Plan B 1/09
D final 12/09
Quote: "First thing you do is pray; when there is nothing else to do, continue to pray."
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Just some questions about your marriage attitudes as related to your parents.
For those who would be so kind as to respond, thank you!
1. Were your parents married (to each other)?
Yes.
2. How long were your parents married?
35 Years.
3. If your parent's marriage ended in divorce, please state why.
Long story. It involved a barricaded house and blocked off street (the home I grew up in), a SWAT team (I got to diagram the house for the SWAT leader should it came to an assault), 40 officers from the Lakewood Police Department, watching my dad getting taken down and cuffed on the front lawn, a 6-week psychiatric confinement for my father with the final diagnosis of paranoid schizophrenic and dangerous to my mother. She filed for divorce with my help during his confinement.
4. How did your parent's attitudes about marriage effect you?
I honestly think their dysfunction encouraged me to be a better husband and father.
5. How did your parent's attitudes about divorce effect you?
I was happy for my mother but she was very damaged.
Last edited by chrisner; 03/23/10 04:44 PM.
Testosterone boys! Testosterone! It ain’t just for nose, ear and back hair anymore!
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1. Were your parents married (to each other)?
Yes.
2. How long were your parents married?
60 Years. And grandparents on both sides married 70 years.
3. If your parent's marriage ended in divorce, please state why.
N/A
4. How did your parent's attitudes about marriage effect you?
I had planned to be married til death do us part.
5. How did your parent's attitudes about divorce effect you?
I guess it didn't help - been married 3 times - first DH died, second we divorced and he died, third, we divorced and he died. YIKES!!!!! Add to that my sis was married for a year and got divorced, and has never been remarried. So I guess a good family model is no guarantee of a successful marriage, just like a bad family model doesn't mean failure.
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Just some questions about your marriage attitudes as related to your parents.
For those who would be so kind as to respond, thank you!
1. Were your parents married (to each other)? Yes, when I was 5. They were 16 and 18 when I was born
2. How long were your parents married?
27 years until my Mom left my Dad 2 years ago for POSOM
3. If your parent's marriage ended in divorce, please state why.They haven't even filed for D yet, but I think it may be on the horizon. My Dad was a recreational drug user. Then started Gambling addiction. All along, he was VERY abusive to My Mom and us. DYSFUNCTIONAL FOR SURE.
4. How did your parent's attitudes about marriage effect you?My parents attitude when I was young was that YOU DO NOT CHEAT(actually it was mostly my Mom HA) My maternal grandmother and her sister never remarried after the breakdown of their M and my grandma didn't get a D. My paternal grandma had an affairage that lasted 35 years. They both passed away 2 years ago within 6 months of eachother. My parents were honest about EVERYTHING. M was a BIG DEAL. You didn't take it lightly. You stick through everything together. I always knew that they had IB though. They had separate bank accounts and would always talk about "owing" each other money. I didn't want a M like that.
5. How did your parent's attitudes about divorce effect you?They would ask us who we would go with if they D. To me D was a reality but not something that had to happen. I wanted stability for my children and NEVER ask them who they would want to live with. I HATED when my parents asked me that.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING  Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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Just some questions about your marriage attitudes as related to your parents.
For those who would be so kind as to respond, thank you!
1. Were your parents married (to each other)?Yes
2. How long were your parents married?18 years
3. If your parent's marriage ended in divorce, please state why.my mother had an affair.
4. How did your parent's attitudes about marriage effect you? I had no idea what marriage was to be honest. I had some really bad ideas about bossing my H around and independent behavior. some of that led to my own A. Most of my memories are hazy about their M. My mom spent a good deal of time depressed and locked in her room. My dad worked two jobs so my mom could be home with us. He was bossy and demanding and she conflict avoided a lot.
5. How did your parent's attitudes about divorce effect you?My dad was heartbroken. I really was deeply affected by their divorce. Probably a good part of why I am still married.
Last edited by faithful follower; 03/23/10 05:34 PM.
Faith
me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
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Just some questions about your marriage attitudes as related to your parents.
For those who would be so kind as to respond, thank you!
1. Were your parents married (to each other)? No. My father was married to someone else and had three COM's. My mother was the OW. To this day, my mother has never been married.
2. How long were your parents married? NA
3. If your parent's marriage ended in divorce, please state why. NA
4. How did your parent's attitudes about marriage effect you? I have no idea what my mother's attitude toward marriage even was. I know she wanted my father to leave his wife and kids and marry her, and she's never quite gotten over the fact that he didn't.
It's quite likely that my mother's flippant attitude towards other peoples' marriages, and the fact that she saw nothing wrong with having an affair with a married man, caused me to place very little value in fidelity, evidenced by the fact that I put up with my husband being in love with someone else for 10 years during our marriage and never thought to do a thing about it, and ultimately had my own affair and my own OC.
I'm developing an understanding of the sanctity of marriage late in life, and without any input from my parents. Better late than never, I suppose.
5. How did your parent's attitudes about divorce effect you? I guess my mother must have been okay with the concept of divorce, since she really wanted my dad to get one so he could marry her. My father is Catholic, and apparently didn't believe in divorce. He didn't seem to have any problem with having multiple affairs while married, however, since according to my mother, she wasn't the first and probably wasn't the last. I have no idea how many half-siblings I may have wandering around in this world.
Sad, stupid story, but there it is. Haven't seen my dad since I was 14. I have his address though, thanks to a friend in real estate, and every once in awhile, I contemplate getting in touch with him. My mom still talks about finding him again someday. She has no clue that I know exactly where he is. I've even driven by his house a few times, though I've never stopped. How sad is that?
Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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Just some questions about your marriage attitudes as related to your parents.
For those who would be so kind as to respond, thank you!
1. Were your parents married (to each other)? Yes.
2. How long were your parents married? 52 years and counting.
3. If your parent's marriage ended in divorce, please state why.NA
4. How did your parent's attitudes about marriage effect you?My mother was aggressive, dominating and emotionally explosive. My father submitted to her pretty much all the time. I sensed, even as a kid, that this wasn't a healthy dynamic, although it 'worked' for them. It left me determined not to repeat the pattern, but with no model of a better way to be. I certainly thought a marriage could stand a little pressure - after all, my parents' marriage had survived the Jupiter Red Spot that was my mother. After d-day, I was deeply worried that I might have behaved like my mother after all. I had to work hard at being honest with myself to see that I had, in fact, been so scrupulous about NOT being my mother, I hadn't defended my own interests as I should. My parents' marriage therefore affected me in a kind of backward way. And I came to realise that a marriage SHOULD be able to stand up to the mild pressures ours came under.
5. How did your parent's attitudes about divorce effect you?Although both Catholic, they had no problems with the idea of divorce. In fact, they were quite keen for me to dump H.
"Integrity is telling myself the truth. And honesty is telling the truth to other people." - Spencer Johnson
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Just some questions about your marriage attitudes as related to your parents.
For those who would be so kind as to respond, thank you!
1. Were your parents married (to each other)?
Yes
2. How long were your parents married?
About 18 years. They both died within 4 months of each other when I was 10.
3. If your parent's marriage ended in divorce, please state why.
N/A
4. How did your parent's attitudes about marriage effect you? I was so young when they died, that I'm not sure how much influence they had. My mother was a take-charge, outgoing, popular woman. My father was an introvert. She didn't boss him around but she definitely ruled the roost. When my dad did finally get mad, my sister and I quaked in our boots! My grandmother (father's mother) lived with us too. Father was the youngest of a very large, immigrant family and it was just what you did in the old country. My mother's parents were more Americanized...one even was born in the USA, so she had a very hard time dealing with this. My grandmother was the source of probably about 90% of their arguments. Being the youngest, the sun rose and set on my father and of course, no woman was good enough for her son. Also, did I mention large immigrant family? Besides 12 brothers and sisters and all their children, my grandmother had 14 brothers and sisters who were all prolific as well and my grandfather had 11 brothers and sisters, also prolific. The entire family lived within 5 square blocks of each other. My mother moved from where she grew up to live in the house my father grew up in. That lasted until my sister was 1 and my parents bought a house in the newly developed area of the city. But my grandmother went with them.
My dad had to put up with my mother's family too. Once a month, we all journeyed to a "Cousin's Club". My mother was one of three. Her mother was one of 8. Lots of cousins.
5. How did your parent's attitudes about divorce effect you? NA, I guess. And the only divorce I grew up knowing about among my parents' generation was my mother's twin brother who married a very wealthy woman and adopted a child. When they divorced, the woman's parents shoehorned my uncle into a deal where he gave up all parental rights in exchange for not being financially ruined. I don't think he made the right decision but oh well. I have a cousin out there...somewhere.
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1. Were your parents married (to each other)?
Yes.
2. How long were your parents married?
59 years, until my father passed away, about 11 weeks before their 60th anniversary.
3. If your parent's marriage ended in divorce, please state why.
NA.
4. How did your parent's attitudes about marriage affect you?
I only saw them argue once in the 40 years I had with them as a couple. They grumbled a little bit once in a while, but they had long worked out their differences and didn't waste time on things that had no real solution. They were always affectionate with each other, although I never saw them hold hands while walking. You just KNEW from their body language and the way they talked to each other.
I am waaaay more touchy-feely than the old man, and my wife reciprocates. Our younger son often comments on how obvious it is that we love each other -- and even made those comments during the dark days, because, even though we were struggling, she knew that I needed her touch. Smart lady who had an episode of dumb that we're working on putting behind us.
5. How did your parent's attitudes about divorce affect you?
I'm stubborn like the old man. I wasn't about to give up. Besides, I knew it would be worth it.
Last edited by AheadOfTheCurve; 03/24/10 01:01 AM.
BH 52
FWW 50
S26 S24
EA 3/07-1/09
PA 5/07-10/08
NC finally established after eight false starts: 1/23/09
Final Version of Events 6/09
In a solid Recovery, and lucky beyond belief.
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1. Were your parents married (to each other)?
Yes
2. How long were your parents married?
They'll celebrate 49 years in July
3. If your parent's marriage ended in divorce, please state why.
4. How did your parent's attitudes about marriage effect you?
My parents are in love. They - as far as I remember - have always loved and respected each other. They talk, plan, and make decisions together. They care for each other and share interests. They parented as a team. They celebrated each other's accomplishments and supported each other when things were tough. They did disagree occasionally, but I can honestly say I never heard them shout or call names or any of that. Yes, tense tones sometimes, but it was always resolved. Oh, and gross as this is - they had one more sex life, let me tell ya. I walked in on them once - scarred for life but secretly glad they still felt that way! Even now that Dad is getting kinda old and grumpy, you can still see the love in their eyes.
Watching that, I grew up wanting THAT kind of marriage...all of it.
5. How did your parent's attitudes about divorce effect you?
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1. Were your parents married (to each other)?
Yes.
2. How long were your parents married?
They got married 39 years ago and they are still very much married today.
4. How did your parent's attitudes about marriage effect you?
5. How did your parent's attitudes about divorce effect you?
I combined 4 & 5 because my parents will never divorce each other no matter what & I am jealous of that. My dad will do anything for my mom & my mom will do anything for my dad. Sure they fight, but they love each other all the way and no matter what. I knew as a child that my parents loved each other more than they loved me.
I WISH I HAD THAT WITH SOMEONE.
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1. Were your parents married (to each other)? YES
2. How long were your parents married? 9 years
3. If your parent's marriage ended in divorce, please state why. My father left for an OW - was thrown in jail when I was 6 for committing bigamy
4. How did your parent's attitudes about marriage effect you? I was taught easy come, easy go. Dad married and divorced 8 times, had numerous mistresses
5. How did your parent's attitudes about divorce effect you? I was a freeloader who never viewed marriage as a lifelong committment. I thought ppl who did that were just boring and never "grew."
I was taught that adultery is AOK.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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1. Were your parents married (to each other)? Yes
2. How long were your parents married? 50 years, until my father died
3. If your parent's marriage ended in divorce, please state why. N/a
4. How did your parent's attitudes about marriage effect you? Marriage is for life. Give and take and compromise are essential. Sex in marriage is EXTREMELY important. My parents ADORED each other and had a twinkle in their eye for each other even through my father's debilitating last illness.
5. How did your parent's attitudes about divorce effect you? People don't get divorced, they weather all storms. Marriage is for better and worse and there will always be bumpy patches.
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1. Were your parents married (to each other)?Yes 2. How long were your parents married?They have been married 36 yrs, 37 next month 3. If your parent's marriage ended in divorce, please state why.They are not divorced (see above) BUT are currently seperated. My mother DEMANDED a seperation in 11/07, exactly one week prior to my Dday....they may end up as one of those couple's who die married to each other, but not together.... 4. How did your parent's attitudes about marriage effect you?My parent's marriage has been filled with turmoil for YEARS!!!!! My dad's stance on marriage through his WORDS has been that you marry for life, divorce is not an option. His stance by his ACTIONS has been that even though someone has treated you badly, you should stay married for life, divorce is not an option. He is has a deep relationship with Christ and wholeheartedly believes God hates divorce...at trait that I do admire, most of the time.....  My mother's stance on marriage through her WORDS had been (when I was younger) that married life can be hard but you should work hard through the struggles, divorce is hard on the kids. My mother's stance on marriage through her ACTIONS were that if your spouse isn't doing enough to make you happy then you should attain your happiness through any means possible, including belittling your spouse to do better, throwing a temper-tantrum, and if all else fails, have an affair. Mom had 3 affairs during the marriage, the last one being a LTA, in which my sister and I were exposed to the OM. The effects for me were that the parents that MOST displayed their ACTIONS with thier words were the ones that stuck. I believed, prior to Dday, that marriage was for life, even if I wasn't in love with my H. My views have changed a bit since Dday. 5. How did your parent's attitudes about divorce effect you?Since I believed and was taught divorce wasn't an option, I stayed married, even during times when most would have not. I do not regret that decision though. Since the devastation of H's affair, while I still believe one should try to work on the marriage, if H is to EVER have another affair of ANY kind, I will go directly to divorce.
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1. Were your parents married (to each other)? YES 2. How long were your parents married? They'll celebrate 49 years this summer.  3. If your parent's marriage ended in divorce, please state why. N/A 4. How did your parent's attitudes about marriage effect you? My parents have always bee HUGE on commitment. You do what you have to do to make things work out. That ultimately had a big effect on the outcome of my marriage. Mom & Dad are very much a team and very much in love...that's what I've always seen in them. But, when my H had his 1st A, my mom told me in confidence that my dad had an A when we kids were little. I. Was. Stunned. It explained why they suddenly picked up and moved several states away from family and friends, tho. 5. How did your parent's attitudes about divorce effect you? They don't NOT believe in divorce, but they DO believe you have to earn one (except in abuse situations, of course) by putting 150% into recovery. I have a huge family on both sides, and only maybe 2-3 divorces in the whole bunch. My parents strongly encouraged me to put everything I had into recovery, but also said they'd support my decision if ultimately I wanted to divorce. I remember not wanting to be a "failure". I felt like I'd be disappointing my parents, grandparents, and extended family if I got a divorce (which I now know was ridiculous).
VERY HAPPY! FBS/FWS; 47yo; M-29 yrs.; DS-26,DD-21; our affairs: 1990-'96
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Just some questions about your marriage attitudes as related to your parents.
For those who would be so kind as to respond, thank you!
1. Were your parents married (to each other)?
2. How long were your parents married?
3. If your parent's marriage ended in divorce, please state why.
4. How did your parent's attitudes about marriage effect you?
5. How did your parent's attitudes about divorce effect you?
1. Nope, they never married. 2. Never married. She was briefly married to my younger sister's father. They divorced before I was in kindergarten, and I'm four years older than her, so that's how briefly they were married. 3. I think he cheated on her. 4. I vowed never to leave a spouse. 5. I still think divorce sucks. It hurts everyone, and waywards are never punished. If I were God (and I'm not) I'd go for instant karma (I know, mixed metaphors.) Sometimes it seems the consequences happen too long after the sinful behavior for the wayward to put two and two together. How about the death penalty for wayward spouses who choose to divorce instead of ending the affair. No, that probably too lax, and it will hurt the children. Well for a while. Maybe cheating would stop after enough folks who in TX parlance, "S/He needed killing" were dispatched for their crimes against their families. But we are too politically correct. So we barely acknowledge how abusive affairs are to the entire family being betrayed. My mom's brief marriage and lack of marriage shaped my opinion, but my divorce by an unfaithful wife has been the largest influence on my views.
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