Smiley,

Mel has a good question. Can you do this asap before Monday? No need to wait to get started on saving your marriage

I can do this quickly and I know that time is of an essence. I am making sure I am doing the right thing here and so I wanted time to think things through. I already decided in my heart that I will go to the command but I need to address the concerns that the chaplain has brought to my attention as far as financially. I want to look at my budget, see what I can cut back on how much do I really need to survive. This is going to be a hard fight I have to prepare myself. I know I may be overly cautious but I don�t want to make decisions based on emotions but out of rational thought.

Talked to my very good friend who has 2 different experiences with her commands when her H was going through his As. She was putting things in perspective and make sure I am looking at all of the possible outcomes should I do this or not do anything. She said that if people are going to say I�m stupid for losing out on that money tell them well that I think my marriage is worth it. She also knows what type of person my WH is like. He would do things out of spite - do things just because someone told him not to. Together we were trying to figure out if by doing this will it backfire on me and make them closer together.

When I was talking to her I remembered something he had told me during one of our fights. He said if I am going to the command then just go but if I am not, shut up about it. I forgot what we were fighting about but I do remember him saying that. So remembering that solidified me to go ahead and go to the command.

Wanted to add that no I don't plan on waiting to talk to my counselor before I go through with this. I want to wait until Sunday evening send my messages so that first thing they see Monday morning is my message. Monday morning just happened to be the next time I see my counselor and maybe I can discuss my feelings with her then.

I still don't know exactly how to get in contact with his commander. Isn't he depoyed with my husband's unit? Do I talk to the Rear D command?

Going through her facebook page which is private. Went through her friends list and found my husband under a different name. I see their correspondence since Feb 28th.

This solidifies my decision for sure and I am sending my messages right now.

Let him know that OWH might just have him fragged while he is over there. If they are close enough in deployment, don't think he won't go and do it himself.

Your husband has no idea what kind of danger he has put himself in, far worse than the enemy.

Smiley- I hope you used the templates set out on here so your exposure doesn't come off sounding emotional and vindictive. You ARE emotional right now, but you want to seem cool under pressure.

Take care of yourself and those kids.

I may have missed it but How old are your children?

Smiley girl,

I am a senior Navy Officer with 22 years in, so while I don't know everything, i have been around awhile.

Your H is in an A with someone that is not in the military, but rather the wife of a service member.

Since she is not in the military, and also very importantly not in his Chain of Command, I would be very surprised if he were busted in rank, or had any of his pay garnished.

Who is telling you this? Why would the Army (or whatever service it is) be interested in NJP for an affair that does not involve another service member and not in his chain of Command?

Now the fact that she is married to a Service Member is to your benefit the way I see it. I was involved in a case in Germany where an Officer was involved in an A with a Navy Chief's (E-7) wife. The Chief found out and exposed.

The Officer, an Air Force Major, was reprimanded, reassigned out of the country, and forced to tell his wife the truth since she had also found out and was calling the Command for the truth.

He did not lose rank.

SWW

Smileygurl,

First off I want to say you are doing freakishly well here. You are thinking clearly, logically, and completely. I don't know how you do it with DDay so recent, WH deployed, and pregnant hormones flying around on top of it all. So my hat's off to you.


Exposure frequently does bring the infidels closer together temporarily. They adapt this "us against the world" and "our lurve can conquer all" attitude that quickly fizzles under the harsh light of reality.

Exposure is a powerful tool. Expect a backlash of fury from WH. He might threaten divorce, he might threaten all kinds of things. That is just his addiction talking, and you are his scapegoat. Actually the more he reacts to exposure,the more you can congratulate yourself that it is having an impact. And... if you hear nothing at all from him, do not fret. That, too, means it's had an impact and he's "showing you" how little the exposure bothered him. Ri-i-ight.

SWW

Here it is:


The Chaplain also gave her a copy of Surviving an Affair, so he is not completely out in left field.

Her WH also threatened to hurt her financially. See her first post on this thread. She is working up an email to command that details her situation with kids and another baby due in six weeks. Which is the source of her fear.

I suspect she will be here in a couple of hours. She is in CA, and it is 5:30AM there. Anything you could do to help her word her communication with command would probably be welcomed.

Larry

I don't think you ever answered this.


Also, will command inform OW's Husband?
If not, what is your plan on informing him?

Thanks Larry,

Yeah Smileygirl (love your ability to call yourself that in the face of all you are going thru) it sounds as if your Chaplain has his heart in the right place, but unless there is something here that I missed, I am not sure he is right about the UCMJ (uniform code of military justice) rules that would be applied in this case.

If he is not having an A with a service member the rules are different an I do not believe he would be busted down.

But, I think you should make an appointment with Base Legal to discuss all this. You need to engage soon though.

I agree with others here, that you need to expose this to the Command and to others in the MB fashion, to put pressure on the A.

The Military, even if the adultery doesn't involve another service member, does not approve and will make it very uncomfortable for him. The fact that it is the spouse of another military member makes it worse. They will so bust this up, and you should demand that they do. Does the H of the WW know all this? I hope so, he can get involved as well from the military active duty side. Remember that as a Military Wife, you have tremendous power, use it.

Go to legal first. Tell them the situation and ask your options re: his pay etc.

I would not recommend simply emailing the Command about your situation. I would enlist the support of the Chaplain and that once your decision is made that you get him to approach the Command Structure for you ahead of time. He is likely an Officer, and as Chaplain has ready access to the Commander.

Then you go in person and make your case to the Commander. You tell him or her that this is extremely hard on you, that you are pregnant and facing delivery soon, that you are alone, that finances are extremely tight, that you are devastated by your H's actions but that you still love him, that you believe in marriage and want to save yours AND...

You need his help.

SWW

Below is an excerpt from the UCMJ. It had been on the military forum, but was wiped out in the crash.

Military Adultery

(Manual for Courts Martial Definition)

Section IV.

Paragraph 62. Article 134 (Adultery)

a. Text See paragraph 60.

b. Elements.

(1) That the accused wrongfully had sexual intercourse with a certain person;

(2) That, at the time, the accused or the other person was married to someone else; and

(3) That, under the circumstances, the conduct of the accused was to the prejudice of good order and discipline in the armed forces or was of a nature to bring discredit upon the armed forces.

c. Explanation.

(1) Nature of offense. Adultery is clearly unacceptable conduct, and it reflects adversely on the service record of the military member.

(2) Conduct prejudicial to good order and discipline or of a nature to bring discredit upon the armed forces. To constitute an offense under the UCMJ, the adulterous conduct must either be directly prejudicial to good order and discipline or service discrediting. Adulterous conduct that is directly prejudicial includes conduct that has an immediate, obvious and measurably divisive effect on unit or organization discipline, morale or cohesion, or is clearly detrimental to the authority or stature of or respect toward a servicemember. Adultery may also be service discrediting, even though the conduct is only indirectly or remotely prejudicial to good order and discipline. Discredit means to injure the reputation of the armed forces and includes adulterous conduct that has a tendency, because of its open or notorious nature, to bring the service into disrepute, make it subject to public ridicule, or which lowers it in public esteem. While adulterous conduct that is private and discreet in nature may not be service discrediting by this standard, under the circumstances it may be determined to be conduct prejudicial to good order and discipline. Commanders should consider all relevant circumstances, including but not limited to the following factors, when determining whether adulterous acts are prejudicial to good order and discipline or are of a nature to bring discredit upon the armed forces:

(a) The accused's marital status, military rank, grade, or position;

(b) The co-actor's marital status, military rank, grade, and position, or relationship to the armed forces;

(c) The military status of the accused's spouse or the spouse of co-actor, or their relationship to the armed forces;

(d) The impact, if any, of the adulterous relationship on the ability of the accused, the co-actor, or the spouse of either to perform their duties in support of the armed forces;

(e) The misuse, if any, of government time and resources to facilitate the commission of the conduct;

(f) Whether the conduct persisted despite counseling or orders to desist; the flagrancy of the conduct, such as whether any notoriety ensued; and whether the adulterous act was accompanied by other violations of the UCMJ;

(g) The negative impact of the conduct on the units or organizations of the accused, the co-actor or the spouse of either of them, such as a detrimental effect on unit or organization morale, teamwork, and efficiency;

(h) Whether the married accused or co-actor was legally separated; and

(i) Whether the adulterous misconduct involves an ongoing or recent relationship or is remote in time.


(3) Marriage. A marriage exists until it is dissolved in accordance with the laws of a competent state or foreign jurisdiction.

(4) Mistake of fact. A defense of mistake of fact exists if the accused had an honest and reasonable belief either that the accused and the co-actor were both unmarried, or that they were lawfully married to each other. If this defense is raised by the evidence, then the burden of proof is upon the United States to establish that the accused's belief was unreasonable or not honest.

d. Lesser included offense. Article 80-attempts. Adultery is not a lesser included offense of rape.

e. Maximum punishment. Dishonorable discharge, forfeiture of all pay and allowances, and confinement for 1 year.

Add the following subparagraph to the analysis of Article 134 (Adultery) found at appendix 23, page A23-16 of the MCM.

c. Explanation.

(1) Subparagraph (3) is based on United States v. Poole, 39 M.J. 819 (A.C.M.R. 1994). Subparagraph (4) is based on United States v. Fogarty, 35 M.J. 885 (A.C.M.R. 1992); Military Judges� Benchbook, DA PAM 27-9, paragraph 3-62-1 and 5-11-2 ( 30 Sep. 1996). See R.C.M. 916(j) and (l)(1) for a general discussion of mistake of fact and ignorance, which cannot be based on a negligent failure to discover the true facts. Subparagraph (2) is based on United States v. Snyder, 4 C.M.R. 15 (1952); United States v. Ruiz, 46 M.J. 503 (A.F.Ct.Crim.App. 1997); United States v. Green, 39 M.J. 606 (A.C.M.R. 1994); United States v. Collier, 36 M.J. 501 (A.F.C.M.R. 1992); United States v. Perez, 33 M.J. 1050 (A.C.M.R. 1991); United States v. Linnear, 16 M.J. 628 (A.F.C.M.R. 1983); Part IV, paragraph 60c(2)(a) of MCM.

(2) When determining whether adulterous acts constitute the offense of adultery under Article 134, commanders should consider the listed factors. Each commander has discretion to dispose of offenses by members of the command. As with any alleged offense, however, under R.C.M. 306(b) commanders should dispose of an allegation of adultery at the lowest appropriate level. As the R.C.M. 306(b) discussion states, many factors must be taken into consideration and balanced, including, to the extent practicable, the nature of the offense, any mitigating or extenuating circumstances, the character and military service of the military member, any recommendations made by subordinate commanders, the interests of justice, military exigencies, and the effect of the decision on the military member and the command. The goal should be a disposition that is warranted, appropriate, and fair. In the case of officers, also consult the explanation to paragraph 59 in deciding how to dispose of an allegation of adultery.

Just woke up and saw 2 vile mesages off of FB. She took off my abliity to look at her friends list and I couldn't exactly sent them all off since I was engaging in "annoying behavior" and FB blocked my ability to send messages but my friend helped send some messages for me.

It's hard for me to ignore those vile messages- did the message make me seem crazy??

Dear friend of OW,

It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of her friends should be aware that OW is having an affair with my husband, WH. We have been married for 9 years. We have 3 kids together and I am 34 weeks pregnant with our 4th child due in the beginning of May. They have been having this affair since February according to the evidence. I

I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.

I would ask that you use your influence with OW to persuade her to leave my husband alone. I am doing this to save my marriage and keep our family together.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify her parents and contact me through this email address

Thank you,"

I basically followed word for word what the template said.

Smiley..go back and re-read what the vet said. Some people will blow you off or try to gaslight you. They are not worth your time of day. You will most likely get a number of supportive messages. You might not get any response from people who do support you but don't feel the need or want to email back to tell you...but you will have made an impression.

Her taking away your ability to look at her friends list means you are messing with the affair. That's good. Hope you took previous advice and wrote down all their names, etc.

YOU DID GREAT.

Any response means that people have seen it. There are going to be ramifications for this on her end and you did it EXACTLY right.

I sent POSOW's family messages and got only one response which said, "I know POSOW, but I don't know you." I didn't care because it meant that the truth is out there. WH and POSOW can't go along in a few months and say that they got together AFTER the separation. People know the truth and POSOW and WH KNOW THAT PEOPLE KNOW. That's all I needed.

Don't read what those people wrote and as a matter of fact ERASE THE MESSAGES FROM THEM. Who cares about THOSE people? If their spouse ever has an A, they will have a good template to use for their EXPOSURE.

KUDOS. YOU DID GREAT

Please tell me I did do the right thing by those messages...taking drastic measures to save my marriage and stop the affair.

SWW - chaplain was telling me what he saw happen many times. So I dont know I tend to believe him.

I heard from Chaplain that OWH is not in my WH brigade. So I don't even know if that is her H. Maybe she is seperated. Unless someone from her friends list that I was able to send my message to knows her H or ex H then I dont know if I am able to expose to him. My WH could have just said she is married and gave me a fake name so that I would have felt comfortable that they were texting and calling each other. Another LIE.

About my WH not listening to his parents last time, I was referring to back in 2007 when he decided he didn't want to be with me then. He gave the ILYNILWY speeh then. I didn't get that speech I got the I"m just not happy speech but its the same thing. He gaslighted me on everything that I found - excessive text messaging, using our credit cards to buy gifts (said he did it for a friend who owes him) even jewelry, found used condom in his truck he said someone was playing a trick on him - I BELIEVED HIM! I wanted our marriage to work! Told his parents everything and they took my side. My MIL made a comment about his post traumatic stress disorder because it seemed as if he was using that as excuse (she said that was a bunch of crap) and so he stopped calling them for 6 months. At the time we were stationed in hawaii and they love him so much so they were very hurt. I got the impression that my MIL resented me for that especially when I didn't have concrete proof of him cheating or of him confessing. So that's why I think they are reluctant to take sides this time. I am sure if he ever calls they will ask him about this. They have been supportive though.

Sorry for the multiple posts but I wrote a long update and some reason it didn't go through.

I got an email from chaplain about not finding OWH so I wrote him back to update him on what's going on. I really hope he can help me, even though now he knows I did not take his advice about not using facebook. He actually told me "it's not the classy way to handle things" and said the classier I handle things the better things will be and/or seem.

I have no way to email the commander. Do i talk to the Rear D commander then? Is that how that works?

All I have is my FRG leaders phone numbers - and one of them IS the commander's wife.

Do I go to legal first then? And then to my commander?

Smiley, you ABSOLUTELY did the right thing by sending those messages! Remember, you are fighting a battle for your marriage. You basically infiltrated the enemy's camp and spread the word. Regardless of the responses you receive, good or bad, the word is out and the message is that you will not back down or roll over.

Now that you've done this you need to QUICKLY speak to a commander. Not being in the military, I'm not sure exactly how that works but I've seen plenty of others who ARE in the military giving you advice. Please, please listen to them. Your marriage depends on it.

((Smiley))

You did GREAT!!!

Way to stand up for your marriage and your family Smileygurl!!!

Anyways in 2007 he went back and forth with me. As soon as I agreed to move back to Texas seemed as though he turned around and changed his mind. Found a love letter in his wallet and so he went back to telling me he wants a divorce. Finally in August he decided to try to make it work with me - he tells me now he was guilted in it because I kept bringing up the kids and how our quality of life was going to go down. He told me then he gives up and just settled. I tried to Plan A him but it was hard. He left for his 2nd deployment end of that year but we were still "working things out".

I told him the truth when I said we really would be in welfare and living in 1 bedroom apartment with my mom if I had left him then. So in a way I guess I did guilted him. He told me I can't do that to him this time and that if I do go into welfare and we do live in 2 bedroom apartment then he is willing to let that happen. I know that's the WH FOG talk and I should really not listen to it but it still hurts.

WH wrote me a message on FB last night before I found his secret page. My friend told me not to bring attention that I know of that page so that if he does update it we can see it. He actually posted on there that he is in a relationship with the OW. WHen I first saw that I was excited because I thought I found her husband or even boyfriend...I broke down when i saw it was my H. I may have acted on emotions last night but I really need this to be over my children are getting affected by this.

I am on my way to labor and delivery. Last night I realized that the baby has not been moving around so much. I also want to talk to my doctor about my depression - not eating and sleeping well. I feel as if I'm losing some weight. I also want to get checked for STDs.

Not sure if I shared this yet but I don't know where to go. Isn't his command deployed with him? Do I go to the Rear D command? Or do I go to legal first? I have my FRG leaders information and one of them happens to be the commander's wife. Should I call her and ask? Or do I try to go through my counselor and/or chaplain?

The counselor is not my set counselor..they are like life coaches that switch around every 6 months to ensure confidentiality. Maybe i need to talk to someone who is going to be here for the year....this lady does not take notes keeps everything in her head. Every other counselor kept notes so not sure if this is going to work for me but I do need the suppport.

I am really trying to hold it together here guys but I feel like a severe depression is around the corner.