I confirmed my wifes affair shortly after Thanksgiving 2009. Had suspicions for a couple months prior to that. I was heartbroken and angry.

I did a lot of searching online for places to have a "descrete relationship" because I wanted to "pay her back" and joined a lot of questionable sites, never paid or actually did anything, just created an account with a new email address. I eventually came around after a few days and realized how stupid that was.

I found talkaboutmarriage.com and posted on there a couple times, but didn't listen about demanding she not having contact with the OM anymore. I told her we can't do this as long as he is in the picture. She pushed back saying "We are just friends and nothing more now". "He is in a war and needs to know someone cares about him." She continued contact through email and IM, letters and packages. I knew and used the keylogger I had put on the computer to monitor the kid's activities. Who knew I would be using it to watch my wife.

Well time passed and nothing changed except the way I was acting with her. I knew I had made some big mistakes and was trying to do better. Come Valentine's Day. He is on leave and at home with his wife for a little over two weeks. Not one message to my wife, she was pissed. He returns and they start emailing (no IM). About a week after he returns he tells her not to contact him anymore, he can't take the stress with his wife, and is feeling guilty about the pain he has caused me (or so he says). My wife initially agrees, but eventually sets up another email with a guys name so she can send him messages, he never replies. About a week later his wife finds out about the affair and sends my wife a message to stop contacting him. That was a week or so ago.

She hasn't tried to contact him (yet) but has started writing a letter to a friend of his in the same unit.

She has told me she could not live without me in her life. She has also said she wants to be with me in her head but with him in her heart and she wishes she had a switch on her heart. She has also said she hopes I can wait for her.
Now that she has no contact with him, she wants me to hold her and tell her she will see/talk to him again. She is also doing a lot of crying, which breaks my heart, but also at the same time makes me want to say "I told you this would happen". Of course I don't. It is like she is going through withdrawl symptoms.

I found out about MB when someone on TAM suggested reading Surviving and Affair. I got the book last Thursday and read it non stop. As I was reading the initial story about Jon and Sue, I was saying to myself - I said that, She has said that.

I made a promise to her that I would not leave her with nothing and would always be here for her. She has some medical issues that I just cannot leave her to fend for herself on.

Things have gotten better between us. But I feel I have majorly screwed up by not pushing for no contact from the beginning.

I have a couple questions.
1) Have I screwed up too bad by not pushing the no contact rule? Where do I go from here?
2) I have read Surviving an Affair, Which book should I get next? By some of the threads I am guessing Love Busters.

Welcome to Marriage Builders, the forum and club nobody wants to join. My name is Larry. I understand your pain and confusion.

1. No, it is never too late to start the program.
2. You read EVERY single word by Dr. Harley on the site. You have read SAS, which is a great start on your journey.
3. Love Busters is ok for the next book. Any of them are great. Dr. Harley is good at what he does.

My initial message to you is simple. Your wife became inflicted with Infatuation, caused by a chemical in the brain called PEA. Dr. Harley doesn't make big deal out of this but does discuss addiction and withdrawal on this site in his concepts and books. Do a search on this site for infatuation and read all you can. There has been more than one threads on the subject with extensive posts, so I will not attempt to reproduce the contents here.

Taking into account her withdrawal period as discussed by Dr. Harley, your next step is to develop a plan. More on this later. It is late at night, and I am sort of the last one to post along with a few others.

You will see more posts tomorrow.

Larry

Hi Bob, sorry you are here, Welcome to Marriage Builders. It should be ok now as long as you demand no contact NOW. You can't undo the past, but you can rectify that mistake. In order for your marriage to recover she has to end all contact with the OM and this other guy for life. If she is online with some other guy, I would respectfully demand that she take her conversations out of your home. She should not be crossing that boundary in the home of you and your children.

By failing to demand she end her affair in the past, she may have got the message that you don't care enough to stand up for your marriage.


She should not be on the computer without you anymore and she should not have any opposite sex friendships. In other words, the environment that led to the affair has to be changed. Check this out: continued here


The next most impactful thing you can do to recover your marriage, besides changing her risky behavior is a) expose to your children and family members. She should be in a position to have to explain that she came very close to wrecking your childrens family over what? That will help her wake up from her fog. Your children should not be given false explanations about the tension in the family. That just teaches them dishonesty.

About telling your chilren and family members:

Exposure

here

The fastest way to rebuild romantic love in your marriage is to spend 20+ hours per week giving each other undivided atttention meeting these top needs: sex, conversation, affection and recreational companionship. That will make the MOST love deposits the fastest.

Undivided Attention




This is a very dangerous message to give to a wayward.

This is the weird thing. She told her parents and some of her friends. I have not said anything to my parents, they don't get along very well as it is, so thought it would be better not to. I have told my brother, and her brother and his wife, we have not spoken to in years. Both of our families live on the other side of the country, so we don't really have much interaction with them as it is except for a couple times a year.

I get telling the children. I can talk with the older 2, I don't think the young one would even know what I was talking about, even though she is very smart. (she just turned 5). Should I still tell her?


I realize that is another place I went wrong.

bobmater,

Mel is right the 1st and most important thing you can do to save your marriage is to expose and to establish NC


You got 3 HUGE things in your favor right now.......

1st is the OM wants to brake off the relationship ...... in most cases if the OM brakes things off your WW will turn back to you ..... that stat was in the SAA book..... don't underestimate the advantage that gives you......

2nd statistically married men won't leave there wives for the other woman when forced to decide ........ With the OM's wife on board trying to brake it up already you have an allie (sp) you need to call her and tell her you want the same thing to save your marriage and work together to insure NC.....turn her on to this site.....she needs help too.......

3rd since the OM is active military you can involve his commander in helping brake this A up....... that has to be well planed before you use that card...... but it can be very effective.......


wondering....

How long have you been married ....

Is this the 1st one for both of you......

How many kids do you have.........

Are you in the service..........

have been married 18 yrs in june, 1st for both

3 - DD14, DS14, DD5

I am prior Military, Got out in '92

Bobtmater,

So,

1st is the well planned Exposure by you to everyone who might have an influence in the WW and to those who can help support you....

Part of that Exposure is to contact the OM's wife and talk things out and coordinate your efforts......


This exposure needs to come from you .....you need to tell her parents about the A and that you want to restore your M and want there support and help.... Don't trust that the story that the WW told is remotely close to the truth...........


While your working on that you need to develop your Plan-A and make the most of it.......

Mel's post has great advice in it .....read back thru it.....

Part of your exposure can be to OM's commanding officer telling him what is going on......the evidence you have to support your claims and what you need from him..... that being he make it clear that the OM can face an article 15 per the UCMJ if any further contact with your wife occurs.....and with out threatening the commanding officer make it clear you'll run it up the chain of command if necessary......

Thanks much. Will post more later.

Being the OM is an officer they may go a little farther than an article 15.

Even better you've got him by the short hairs......

If you can prove it he could end up with a dishonorable ......

If your lucky just making it clear to the OM what will happen the next time he contacts your W.......

Also letting the WW know as well..... if she's so concerned about his well being then she will honor the NC to save his career......

You've got alot of cards in your deck play them well.......

Have you talked to the OM's wife ????

"If your lucky just making it clear to the OM what will happen the next time he contacts your W.......

Also letting the WW know as well..... if she's so concerned about his well being then she will honor the NC to save his career......"

Bad advice never warn what you will do. It will only give the guilty parties time to do damage control.

It will also be seen as an empty threat when you do not follow through and then they will not fear you taking any real action. The best advice is to expose up the chain of command now today. Get the proceess for the military get the OM removed from your lives and NC to start.

Well, so much for getting the OM's wife involved.

I called her and here is pretty close to how it went.

ME: Hi, <name>, This is <me>. You know our spouses had an affair. We need to ensure they no longer contact each ...

HER (interrupting): You and your prostitute (will not let me put actual word) wife can go F (she said the word) yourselves. My husband is a good man who keeps getting lured away by these whores. Your prostitute is the 3rd one who has done it. <click>

ME: <stunned>

Didn't even know what to say after that.


Moving forward and on to others ...

I have started putting together a list of people I should contact. I know I need to expose it to friends and family. The family I got. As far as friends, how deep should I go? Just her closest friends? I think it is kind of pointless to contact friends she only contacts once a year or so.

Bobt,

We now know you know Denial is not a river in Egypt.

She just gave you great information about OM. This is his third affair...that she knows of. Too bad you didn't record the conversation if only to let your W hear it.

So have you determined from your W what she thought that allowed her to abandon and ignore her vows and her boundaries. I am making the assumption that up until know she has been a good woman, a good mother, and a good W. If that assumption is a little weak let us know. It will make it easier to give you good advice.

God Bless,

JL

"HER (interrupting): You and your prostitute (will not let me put actual word) wife can go F (she said the word) yourselves. My husband is a good man who keeps getting lured..."

She lives in denial and her WH will now go after WW No. 4 because the OM has learnt that there will be no consequences from his BW.

You gave the BW the info. It's in her hands to do with it as she wants.

Boatmater,

Proud of you for calling the POSOM's wife..... to bad she doesn't see who the real enemy is ......that being the A.....and that she has given up a great asset to help her recovery........

Moving on....... why I ever give these "other people" in the affair the benefit of the doubt ........ I guess I project myself in to the OM's shoes to the extent I know what it took for him to get where he is..... and to have a single mistake ruin a life time of work and the financial stability to help recover his family seems a large price to pay........

This was not a single mistake......this POSOM has no business being an officer in our military.....

As you plan your exposure I would include his commanding officer.... He'll want evidence to go after the POSOM but will likely want it all to go away quitely.....You have to make it clear to him what this guy has done, that you are trying to restore your 18year marriage and you expect him to throw the book (UCMJ)at the POSOM and that if he can't control his troop that you'll be running up the chain til you get someone who will

Commanders hate problems......... they interfere with good career progression they may be cheaters themselves.....they have lots of reasons to turn their back on you.......

You have to expect that ......So you have to prepare....do your homework ........Make it easy for the commander to act.....have the evidence....and the reggs that support him disciplining the POSOM........

So the question is do you have the evidence???????

E-mails , Phone records, video, pictures...... You'll need something firm if you expect the result to be anything more than a slap on the wrist......

Before the expose route to POSOM Command, let me ask a critical question. Is this an emotional affair or one that is physical?

What evidence do you really have in addition to emails? What is the content of the emails? Has she ever met the OM? I read through your thread. I might have missed something.

The UCMJ is very specific on this. There is another couple of threads on here about military situations. I have read and researched the UCMJ on the subject.

Larry

As for the EA/PA question. WW slept with him once in August and given the content of the emails/chat sessions I firmly believe she would have again.

I have FB messages of them planning their "get together". Emails of how good it was. Screen shots of a Skype chat with snapshots of what was on the video chat, Was able to do this with keylogger only when Skype was active. A whole lot of key logger logs.

I'll keep you updated.

Bob,

I bow to Larry's expertise on the UCMJ and how best to proceed.....


Sure sounds like you have what you need....


Don't forget that that is just one aspect of the overall exposure and you need to plan for the rest as well........

Yep, one big blow.

SC, if you go away from this thread, I will hunt you down and drag you back. Bob needs all the help he can get and I surely do not have an arm lock on all the help around here. See my recent topic.

Okay Bob, then you are in a position to create problems for him.

I think you need to for a couple of reasons. One, the satisfaction of nailing a jerk. THREE affairs? Yea, he walks like a jerk, talks like a jerk, snow jobs his wife like a jerk, he is a jerk, a serial adulterer. Gotta teach the guy about consequences.

The second reason is to show your wife just how serious you are about protecting your family, which includes her, from predators.

How to do it comes next and I am about to fall asleep. Will post more tomorrow. Since she isn't military and he is, I have the angle to stick it to him, something that isn't normally what the military would do because it isn't where both sides are in the military. Understand? Be back tomorrow.

Larry