Anne wants to make sure that she has irrefutable evidence that her WH can't worm his way out of.

Anne...would be great if you could find a story online or a movie to rent, or somehow something similar to this situation...that you could then bring up with your WH as in a "geez, what is this world coming to...can you believe this?"

And see how he reacts.

Anne, exposure notes.

It's amazing how they all sing the same song when exposed. Don't let that faze you. In fact, since you know it's coming you might be able to convince yourself to find it entertaining. Would help with the stress if you could do that.

Also, get your ducks in a row and expose all at once. Trickle exposure is not nearly as powerful as all-at-once exposure.

And, finally, remember that exposure is not an act of revenge. It is an act of love and protecting the marriage.

--

--Exposure targets
Anyone with influence over your WS or the marriage. WS' parents, siblings, best friend, children if they're over 4. OP's siblings, parents, spouse. Your priest or similar if you're religious. Their employer if they work together. Work exposure should be done *in writing* to the head of HR, the CEO, and WS' boss. All of them should know the others were copied; this makes it harder for them to toss the letter into the trash and forget about it.

--Exposure message
Use a formal letter for work exposure. Everything else is short and sweet: "OP and WS are having an affair. I love WS and I am committed to doing whatever it takes to repair our marriage and make it better than ever. I'd appreciate any advice you might have." The exposure message is not vengeful; it is a message of love.

--No warning
Do NOT threaten to expose, do not tell WS you're going to expose. Just do it. If WS has advance warning, they will tell their friends and family "We are having trouble in our marriage. BS is controlling and angry. BS won't talk to me, won't listen to me. BS is possessive and jealous, and accuses me of insane things. Sometimes I'm scared for my physical well-being, (s(s))he's changed that much. Thank goodness I have friends to talk to, otherwise I don't think I could bear the abuse. OP has been especially helpful in offering insights into how a member of the opposite sex would see things. I just hope we can make it but I'm not sure we can." How do you think your exposure is going to sound after an oscar winning performance like that?

--Exposure after-effects
Your WS is going to be furious. You will hear predictable things like "I can never trust you again. I was going to dump OP and reconcile but you've blown any chance of that. I hate you. I'm filing for D." Don't EVEN pay attention to this stuff. Your WS is just angry because the super-fun super-secret affair is suddenly looking downright tawdry and the fun is turning into a nightmare. Just ignore most of it. If your WS tries to talk about divorce, say "I don't do divorce, I do marriage." Then change the subject. If your WS tries to pick a fight, tell them you'd very much like to discuss things when you can both be calm and rational, and leave the room if you have to. If she says things like "How could you do this?!" tell her you'll do whatever it takes to save your marriage.

Yes, that is exactly what he will do. And I'm sure he will pretend to be sad that I don't trust him. You're right, I need more proof and I plan to get it. Thanks!

If you think I am calm, then you misunderstand. I am in a constant state of panic. I am waiting for more proof. If I go to him with what I suspect, he can explain it away and I'm back to square one. I don't want that to happen. The people on this board have helped me to be patient and not fly off the handle. For that, I thank everyone.

Thanks Scotland, that is exactly what I'm doing.

How strange, I actually did that the other night. He played along about how wrong it is to cheat and how he would never do it. Can't believe a word this man says.

I'm looking for a decent GSP. Any suggestions or are they all pretty much the same? Any ideas on where to hide it? He's started talking about going to the gym again and OW lives closeby. He used to work out in the a.m. but now he's talking about doing it in the evening. Yes, I know it's a red flag and might give me a great opporunity to get the proof I need. I need that GPS.

Thanks everyone. You've all been so helpful.

Can you find a VAR w/ GPS?

I'll check and see if I can find something like that

OW just became Facebook friends with WH's best friend. God this makes me sick.

It will get better, eventually.

How are you doing? What are you doing to get that evidence? You need to get moving so you get on to the next level. You need to get that evidence so you will feel like you are doing something productive.

Have you made your list of people who you will expose to?

What are your WHs top EN? Have you eliminated LBs?

Don't forget the carrot part of Plan A too. There is a carrot and a stick for a reason. You need your M to be more inviting than the A.

@Scotland - I am trying to find a VAR and/or GPS (checking the local stores as I don't want to order online). I've checked email every day but all is quiet since the threats back and forth to show the pictures they have on each other.

I'm working on the list.

How do you figure out your WH's top EN? Working on eliminating LBs and making M inviting (which I honestly thought it was).

I fear and dread the next step but I do know it's necessary. Also, I don't want to try to move into it before I have the proof I need which I don't.

MOST men's top ENs are SF, Admiration, RC, DS and PA. There is also affection, conversation, FS, OH, FC.

My WH would not do the ENQ but I know that SF is a TOP need. He would complain about frequency of SF and that i didn't seem "in to it"(sorry TMI). I also believe that admiration is HUGE for him. He always loved the fact that he could make me laugh. I stopped laughing over the passed few years. I know that POSOW finds him funny(he told me).

You should look back over your M and think about the things that your WH would complain about. You may find clues in there.

That is so sad. But, remember, those people are no friends. They are clearly not morally-minded indididuals and probably encourage other bad behavior as well.

My wife's friend added the OM to her Facebook account, too-- right after she deleted me as a friend. Unfortunately there are lots of people like that in the world.

You could try all EN's on him, and see what gets him going. It could be like your own questionaire. My best bet is that he is no different than any other man. My top 5 ENs are SF, conversation, DS, FC, and PA. Notice I share 3/5 of the top EN's for men, but the other EN's are important too.

How soon is he going to start going to the "gym"?

If it's so close couldn't you just drive over to the gym and OW's and check for his car on those nights?

I think the quarrel between the Bad Party Boys Club will start to severely limit you email intel now.



Anne, you have never really said what the state of your marriage was prior to your H becoming wayward. This is important to understand how to do a really good Plan A.

@Chrisner - not sure on the gym. Both the gym and the OW are very close by so I could check it out. However, if he goes late, I would have my kids with me and that might be a problem. But I guess I have to do what I have to do.

The emails were pretty fast and flowing so it doesn't seem like they are afraid to email about it. I think it just died down after the threats and now everyone is busy with the work week.

That's the hardest part. The state of our marriage was fantastic before all this started. We celebrated our 10 year anniversary, decided to have another baby, he took me on two different weekend getaways over the past few months. He said the nicest and romantic things to me on our trips about how happy we are together. And then Friday night happens and he starts acting all weird so I check the email and BAM! The fact that this has happened before is what is hardest to take. I'm starting to think I don't know him at all.

I got my VAR at Target it is a Sony and sells for about $60. I also bought a Zoombak GPS there. It requires a year subscription (you can pay it in one payment) but you can get real-time info by logging into your account. Does your husband have carseats in his car? If so, I hid the GPS and recorder between in the carseat under the seat cover. I used the external microphone for the recorder and had it just barely sticking out from the cover. My WH has searched and searched his car for these and has not found them (knock on wood!). HTH!

Well just remember adultery attacks just as many good marriages as neglectful ones. At least that is what Harley's experience says.

No car seats. Any other suggestions? Thanks for your help - this board is saving me rigth now.