@ Opt: I called H back on Tuesday night. At first he was mad, we talked. We hung up. Then, I called him back again and made a joke that I would pay him $100 to have dinner, paid in cash. He joked back that he wouldn't taken less than $300---paid in tens. Deal. We had dinner yesterday, went shopping, and watched TV. It was fun and we did not argue.

@CJ: Thanks CJ. That is good insight and I think the same thing happens to H.

@PK: Thanks for your advice and insightful comments. To clarify, I haven't said that I have forgiven myself so I did not claim that victory just yet. Before your post, I actually went back on my "ultimatum" anyways (see note on dinner above). Don't worry about being blunt, I am blunt too (we come from places other than NJ too).

@Larry: Thanks for the background. Useful to know that the advice is coming from someone who was in the very same place years ago.

Here is something interesting that happened to me today. My friend told me a story of someone who did something that hurt and angered her. That person has been apologizing profusely. She sought my advice and said, "What should I tell him?" I told her, "You can tell him that you will forgive him when you know that he is truly sorry. And you will know that he is truly sorry when he changes his behavior and also, never does it again. So he will have to wait for that forgiveness."

True Story---maybe I should take my own advice!

Today I am hanging out with H again after my therapy. Hoping for another fun day!

Oh and don't feel bad about me taking a beating on my first thread anymore. I have 5 siblings so I learned a long time ago---when attacked: sometimes you fight, and sometimes you play dead!

That was yesterday. So, how did it go, Hamster?

Have you been continuing to learn about and apply MB principles? "Not arguing" is not enough (although it's a good start).

opt

Hamster I hope you're okay.

~opt

Hello everyone.

Hello, Nal.

That is probably the shortest introductory posting I've ever read!

What brings you here?

I hope hamster hasn't left.

Larry

Hello? Bump for Hamster

I'm back.

H and I spent some time together since I last posted on 3/25. We took a week vacation and spent some time together. It was a good time, but H still felt very sad/angry. He did not verbalize his feelings in a negative manner, but I could tell by his general body language and mood. We did not fight during the time we spent together.

On 4/6, H returned to his parents home and came to realization that the marriage cannot work despite our efforts. I have spoken to him on occasion since that date, but I have not seen him. H intends to come to the house whilst I am traveling for work this coming week to pick up the last of his belongings and leave the papers for me to sign. He will leave the keys to the house at the same time. I will mail the papers back to him.

DS has returned home from his trip and things feel less lonely around here. I booked my trip for my friend's wedding in May with DS as my date in lieu of my husband. I had been holding off to see if we could reconcile and still attend together---but thought I should move forward with travel prices rising.

I am trying to do new things to keep busy. I signed up for a half marathon and I think I'll spend the next few weeks cleaning out clutter from my house. I plan to move when our lease is up at the end of June.

I realize the mistakes that I have made and I have come to accept the consequences that are resulting from my decisions. There is this really good song by Alicia Keys called "Pray for Forgiveness" that relates to how I feel right now. Things will get better, but it will take a lot of time and hopefully I'll come out a better person in the end.

(((Hamsterrrrrr!!!!)))
I'm glad you're back - I missed you!
Thanks for updating. Sorry things aren't working out as far as the marriage; but I think in the long run things will work out for you. You've taken some very big steps toward your own recovery. Your honesty here and with yourself will benefit you in ways you might not even imagine at this juncture in your life.
Things will get better, Hammy. You're in the right place (not just with this site). Keep moving forward. I've not heard the Alicia Keys song, but in the last few months I've had to refer to a favorite character in a movie that I'm sure you're familiar with: Finding Nemo - Dory's line "Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming, ...."

~opt

Today I signed the dissolution papers. Felt very sad.

Yes. Sad. Life. I hear you hamster.

Larry

I am about a week behind you, ham.

I think right now I am more resigned than I am sad. But that's today.

The difference with you and me, as opposed to our spouses (at least *my* spouse) is that we actually have feelings about this.

Just wondering about Hamster.

Hey Opt! Thanks for thinking of me.

I'm doing OK. We filed a joint petition and the divorce is final 6 months from that date, which is looking like the last week in October.

I still feel really sad about it, but I've accepted that I basically pooped all over my marriage and ruined things. Things can never be the same now because of how I have behaved and I have come to terms with what that means.

Husband is still very angry at me. For the first week prior to and after the filing, he refused to speak with me. I took things pretty harshly in those couple weeks---crying, calling him, telling him I missed him, depressed. He would talk to me on occasion---but only to tell me what a horrible skank I've been. Now, I'm over the calling/feeling the need to talk to him. It doesn't do much, but make me feel worse so there is no point for me to contact him right now.

In other news, he has not had any contact with DS for the past month. He said it is because he doesn't want to risk talking to DS and then having to talk to me in some way. I don't know how much I buy into that...but maybe it's true.

I dont feel like doing much lately---I pretty much spend time with DS, read books, and watch tv. So far, its not so bad.

(((Hamster)))

Thanks for the update. I can't even think of anything to say; I'm sure nothing but time will really make you feel better.


You realize he was just trying to protect himself from the pain, or getting hurt again, right? Clearly he had/has very strong feelings for you, so seeing you/hearing your voice is just a mammoth trigger. Unfortunately, your DS himself might even be a trigger.

I have been advised to limit interactions with my WW (we are still waiting for a court date), for reasons of saving myself some anguish. It's almost impossible though due to the kids - I couldn't really pull off Plan B, although I did initiate it with seriousness. Anyway, just trying to give some insight/perspective.

I'm sorry you lost your marriage (although miracles do happen). It's good to see someone make a mistake and then own up to it and take responsibility. You've learned a lot, it seems.

Opt

ITA w/OPT.

He is protecting himself. Some people only have anger and resentment left. In this mode any contact with him will only result in an attack- on you. It must be very painful for both of you.

So sorry.

Okay Ham, time to resurrect your thread again (it's been almost two weeks).

Personally, I have begun to hit the desperately lonely stage, so I thought of your thread and thread title. It's been 2 1/2 months since filing, 3 1/2 mo since starting the D process, and 6 mo before that of being separated mentally and emotionally- like, in two different worlds. That, for me, spells lonely.

How are you doing?

I hope you don't get to be a stranger. Folks can learn a lot from you, Hamster. You have good insight and, as I've said before, are well-spoken here.

I hope you are continuing to grow and taking good care of your little boy.

opt

Reading your thread for first time. The word "lonely" caught my attention. Am battling lonliness as well. Any improvement there? It seems that no matter how many friends and good times I surround myself with, 5 minutes after they are all gone, desperately lonely comes right back in. And with it, depression.

FYI, I will not contact my husband either, in any way, shape or form. It is a good thing and how I am dealing with his betrayal. However, if he showed even the slightest bit of remorse, as you have, it would have made the world of difference in my healing process. Kudos to you for putting yourself out there. But understand his withdrawal.

Yes, I hear about the lonely.

Anyone who has not "made the physical break" around here (actually really left) had no real idea.

The "pissed" wears off.
The resentment wears off.
Friends are great, but not the same.

I know. I have not even made the final drop yet, but I have some bad, bad weeks.