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"Honey, I just KNOW that you can come up with a solution that both of us will be happy about . . . you're so clever!"
Oh, I could just go on and on today!
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 That would all work if he really wanted both of us to be happy. See stamp. lol.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
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He doesn't want you both to be unhappy CW. DJ!
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No, he's fine with one of us being unhappy, so long as that one is me. He didn't respond to my email. I texted him an 'ouch' over that (I knew he read it, it was marked read in his account), so he called me and told me all the reasons why he didn't respond and how he was just about to (by phone) when I texted him, how I knew he was about to go to lunch (which, according to SH, means that lunch is more important than responding to me) so it was unreasonable for me to expect a response so soon, he had STUFF TO DO (um...lunch?) and how unreasonable it is for me to ask for a written response to my correspondence instead of a phone conversation because he just doesn't respond to emails, he prefers to call instead, and all that nonsense about how he emails other people in response shouldn't have any bearing on how he prefers to communicate with me and in the end, he, um, never responded to the questions I posted in my email.
Ya want the email?
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
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Here's my mail: I'm having a lot of thoughts about what you said about it being harder when I am sick than when you are sick. And your reasoning being that if I'm sick, you have to pick up my slack. Apparently, you resent that. Is that correct? If so, it brings me to the Big Concern, and that is, I feel like I would not be able to depend on you should something catastrophic happen. What if I got cancer? What if I got into an accident and lost a limb? What if anything unforeseen and horrible happened, and I had to be dependent, either for a short term (like having the flu) or long term?
Where would you fit into the picture of me not being able to pick up my own slack?
I have a lot of fear that I've put all my eggs in this one basket (you) and one day it's going to bite me in the butt because when I need someone to take care of me, you won't do it.
I also have thoughts of how this is your 'special way' of treating me (and the kids). I have never seen you complain about having to pick up someone's slack at work, and you've expressed concern about caring for your dad or [name redacted] if something happened with them...where am I? Where are our children?
Just so you know, I am NOT angry or sullen or anything like that. I just want to understand where you're coming from, and I want to share my fears so that you are aware. So that I know that you are aware, so that I know if you are unwilling to address my fears at least I can be sure that it is intentional.
Love you,
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
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Jeez.
And wow...
No answer yet?
I got nothing.
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Here's the response:
*crickets*
Chris, would you expand on the jeez and wow?
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
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The email was clear and honest. I am eager to see his response.
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I'll get us some colas while we wait...
H called again. I told him again why it is important to me to have a written response--that it is something I can hold onto in times when he's denying what he's said, and I gave him the example of our love letters from when we were dating. There was a time when he told me that he didn't know how he ended up married with children. (then) I showed him the letters he wrote, told him, "This is how." Many letters over months filled with gushy stuff like I want you to be my wife, I want you to have my babies, I never want to be apart from you ever, etc., and mind you, we were not teenagers, we dated a year and a half and married when we were 30.
(we didn't have an LDR, we just wrote letters to each other after the date was done, the phone was hot, and we were still burning to be together, to connect)
So...he sent me an ILU text. Something, but not what I was asking for.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
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No, he's fine with one of us being unhappy, so long as that one is me. How do you know this? I am certain Prisca thought the same thing about me not long ago. At the time, I was privately praying to God that if we could not both be happy together that He would make her happy, and that if that was not possible that He would end my life and send her someone who could make her happy. But I am certain that at the same time she was under the impression that I was fine with her being unhappy. So, how do you know? Has he said this?
Last edited by markos; 03/25/10 01:51 PM.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Oh, and he told me that he never knew that a written response was important to me. I said I've told him that dozens of times, in writing, and I would be happy to forward the emails where I've said as much. lol. He said that wouldn't be necessary.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
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markos, it's in his actions as well as things he says. He would not admit to wanting me to be unhappy, but he will say that I just *should not be unhappy* about whatever it is that I tell him I'm unhappy about. Ya know, rather than do anything about it.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
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That doesn't mean he is satisfied with you not being happy as long as he is happy. It could mean that he doesn't have a complete grasp on how to behave to obtain a happy marriage...or if he does grasp the concepts he, like you (and all of us here really), is struggling with implementing the concepts.
You are in full DJ mode today CW.
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Response:
"I understand your fears and want you to know I will do a better job of making sure you feel safe with me. I want you to know, you will be able to trust that I will take care of you."
I'm smiling, thinking, sure, he wants me to know this, but is he willing to show me? I feel like writing back, "I want you to know that I am a purple giraffe." lol.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
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If you write that, I will jump thru the screen and spray you with blue dye.
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Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
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Make that orange dye.
Welp - now you have somethng he said which is in direct contrast to your DJ from earlier.
So...now what ma'am?
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I'm going to go chuckle for a while, make dinner, and think about kind ways to bring him to the purple giraffe analogy. See if he would ever believe I was a purple giraffe just because I said I was, even though I look nothing like one.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
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Don't you dare, miss teat for tat. Try telling him how relieved & happy you were when you rec'd his last message and tell him you have a question: How does he intend to do this--> making sure you feel safe with me. I want you to know, you will be able to trust that I will take care of you.
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