Thanks, Ned.

Kinda yes and kinda no.

You and your husband are just now JOINTLY trying to learn and apply the MB principles to your marriage. I'm not privy to your specific counseling...but I've been to the weekend and am always learning and trying to apply the principals myself so I THINK Steve likely is taking you through the process of TRYING to identify your own needs and how you like them met so that you can communicate such to your spouse who in turn, in SUPPOSED TO take such information and APPLY it whether you like it or not for one year.

By utilizing such program experience has taught the Harley's that you will end up falling in love with one another. Throughout such process you are each concentrating on meeting the other spouses needs...and trusting that your [and your spouses] feelings will follow your actions.

I THINK just possibly if you'd have been focusing on your husband's needs today, instead of your feelings about his perceived slight on the phone last night with Steve, you MIGHT have sent him a completely different email. As Ned said...the trick is stating "feelings" without love busting yourself.

What if you'd have written:




My point is...regardless of whether or not your husband is as big a jerk as you make him seem on these boards now that he's undertaking to learn and apply the MB principles you have to too. Which means...you need to focus on you and the heck with what he has done in the past (and the "feelings" you've suppressed for years). You need to trust that as he sees changes in your behavior (as my example email above passively demonstrates to him) he'll change his. As you both improve your actions....both of your feelings of love for the other will also improve.

Listen...lots of us around here applied these principles having to overcome infidelity. IMO, infidelity is a lot worse than just having an uncallous jerk for a husband. If we can set aside infidelity and focus on meeting our spouses needs with the hope to rebuild a better marriage after infidelity than you can give your husband a pass for his past jerkiness and, for now, just focus on YOUR actions. Getting him into counselling with Steve after all this time was quite an accomplishment...don't ruin it by screwing up the program yourself. Remember..as a man...your husband likely expects to see much more immediate benefits [for the money] than you expect so you better get on the ball yourself and Plan A the man before he quits. [His "taker" has to be placated before his "giver", if any, will be freed]

I truly hope he gets fully on board. He has no idea how much better life can be with a happy contented wife that completely loves and understands him. The past will fade away. It's like a complete do over and it's really not that hard. Plus...it feels good to be an appreciated and understood husband. It's a level of self-confidence KNOWING you are being a good husband, leader of your family and example for your children (and generations thereafter hopefully). It's a total win-win.

Finally...once you reach the goal...sharing your "feelings" won't be a love-buster anymore. You'll both be on the same team and can discuss/share with each other freely JUST AS YOU BOTH DID WHEN HE WAS COURTING YOU. There's no longer animosity and gamesmanship. You'll discover you can easily state your feelings past and present without LB'ing. It just becomes conversation and not a battle in a never ending war.

Mr. Wondering

If you go to youtube and watch everything by Mark Gungor, you'll at least end the day with a good laugh.

So Mark...did you post this three times in a row to really OVER-hammer the importance of this message home to Can't? How condescending/patronizing.

I also find this spokesman's mimicking/mocking of women a bit distasteful. He must really not like women much. Can we all agree he's a Misogynist?

Mr. Wondering <---If you haven't watched the [first] video you won't get my sarcasm

oops...just noticed that the video's are different. Sorry...thought you posted the same video three times accidentally.

Ha! I must be the man and my H is the chick.

Mr W,

I just thought a little bit applied...

At least a little.

Good thing we're both men and aren't trying to judge each other's intentions, huh?

I think it applies. I've seen these video's already and actually had a sentence in one of my posts on this thread today (which I removed) which mentioned a man's "nothing box". Women, er, wives truly need to learn and understand that the "nothing box" is real and when we say, in response to being asked, that we were not thinking anything...we aren't lying. Nothing is worse than be disrespectfully judged when you literally weren't thinking or doing anything.

It's as-if women think they can just wave their magic wand and make the "nothing box" disappear.

Mr. W

Wow, thanks for all the wife-bashing. lol. I liked the part in the first video when he said don't judge motivations, judge actions.

Can do!

Mr W,

I don't think they think they can make it disappear. They just what to fill it up with stuff...

Just watched the longer video...

All kidding aside, where is the balance going to be? I get what the guy is saying but it seems sort of anti-MB concepts to a degree.

Balance?

What needs to be balanced?

He didn't ridicule women. He if anything poked fun at men though I was not offended even though I am a die-hard fisherman...

What did he say that was anti-MB?

Mark

Didn't particularly like the videos, even though the concepts weren't new and I've seen them in other circumstances that annoyed me less.

Specifically:
- He did the 'man-voice' in a relatively normal voice, but did the 'woman-voice' in this high-pitched, whiny SCREECH. Not exactly neutral. I listen to a lot of podcasts where men and women do both sexes convincingly and compassionately, and this wasn't one. Uneven distribution of ridicule. Not every woman talks like your stereotypical overbearing mother-in-law. Not even real overbearing mothers-in-law. :p

- I'm not sure of the context of these vids, but he wasn't explaining both brains, he was saying how men shouldn't have to be bothered by women's needs. The nothing box is a normal, healthy, if odd-looking, habit, but the need for connection is not given the same treatment.

- The man commands the woman to GO AWAY (with the subtext of 'if you want my LB$ to stay in the black) but the woman never commands the man to COME HERE AND CONNECT (with the same subtext). So it seems the woman must change her instincts to keep her man happy, but the man faces no such task.

Besides, the whole thing seems to be pro-IB - men and women don't have anything to say to each other and men actually rather women DON'T interfere with their recreational activities. Compatibility is not going to happen anyway, because I as a man don't want anyone near me and you as a woman are unrelatable-to, so why bother?

Of course it's meant to be FUNNY (which always includes some aspects of mockery) and speeches meant to enhance compatibility and respect are rarely FUNNY.

You guys got a lot further with them than I did. I watched the first video, a few seconds of the second, and knew this was not a man whose opinion I gave a crap about. So thanks, Wolf and Raven, for confirming that I made the right choice there.

I shouldn't watch and post late at night...

Watched the video again and even watched some of the others that were available...I don't think he was bashing women and agree he was poking fun...at both sexes. When he was discussing the boxes in men's heads, he never really finished what his thoughts were about the boxes. MB has that analogy about a man letting his wife into each room of his 'house'...what does this guy say about that concept? Maybe my overwired tired brain jumped to conclusions lol but it left me with the feeling that women shouldn't expect to be let into the boxes. I agree with much of what he said but am not sure what his ultimate point was. That 'nothing box' looks big. I stay away from that box.

I agree and disagree. I laughed at certain parts of the videos but the incomplete points left me wondering what he really thought in some respects. So what is the advice sir? Let your wife "in" under protest or what? If most men really don't want their wives around and do so to "shut her up", that doesn't seem to POJA to me as it sound like he resents her intrusion. Women have their own "nothing" box too but they usually go there when they are frustrated and have given up.

I think it relates a bit as a comedic portrayal of what such houses/rooms look like. Men and women both have multiple rooms in their "houses" but women have multiple entries to all their rooms and a two or three back staircases. The doors are bigger french doors and some even have breeze-ways between them. Lots of interconnectivity. Whereas, men have only one door in & out and some of those doors are much more difficult to open.

Understanding these differences is important when building an MB relationship. When Mrs. W was withdrawing and I was in Plan A this was incredible helpful as I just had to spend time with her talking and she'd eventually take the conversation where I wanted it...on emotions and our relationship. I didn't have to really force such as I could wait until her mind naturally wandered over to that "room". Plan A'ing a man might require a little more patience. Look to tackle one "room" at a time. Step in (when let in) and really take it in. Focus on that room and admire/appreciate it and him for allowing you access. Don't jump from "room" to "room" or you'll overwhelm him emotionally and he'll simply run off to his "nothing" box. With men...you may have to knock on the door to get in or at least ask him to open the door as it won't otherwise be obvious you even want to go in there. It's a completely different ballgame. Not bad or good, necessarily just different.

I think some of this is why Pepperband has often suggested women read the John Eldridge book, Wild At Heart. So they can better understand their husbands and celebrate the differences. Again...MB is about making better/great husbands and wives...not sisters/girlfriends.


I think the point was comedic commentary that's particularly "funny" because it has much truth to it. Ultimately, his point is to make us laugh. The subtext of having linked to it FROM MB likely threw some people astray. If they'd gone to a comedy club to listen to him prepared to laugh...it'd have been funnier (I hope).



So Can't...what are your Plan A type actions going to be today and this weekend?

Mr. Wondering