Anne- I am going to give you a little padded 2x4 right now. It seems like you are trying to get US to tell you what to do and when we ask you a question you say, "I am trying." The day that I bought my VAR, I drove 45 minutes to the mall where I thought I could buy one and I did. I also placed a keylogger on the computer that same day. If you need to get the evidence, you are going to have to DO IT. We can't come through the computer and do it for you. You have to not only TRY you have to DO.

In his car, where would YOU put the VAR(when you GET one)?

Scotland, I'm doing the best I can while dealing with almost constant morning sickness and taking care of my two sons (one of whom is home with me most of the day). Having to work around being sick all the time and my son's schedule limits the time I can spend on trying to snoop. Also, I don't have total access to WH's computer so I have not been able to install a keylogger. I will just as soon as I can get him out of the house without it (it's a laptop and he usually takes it with him). I have one on our home computer but he does not use it. That I check his email every day does not mean I can get on his computer any time I like. I am able to check his email from any computer because they have remote access. I'm glad you were able to move so quickly in your situation and I wish I could as well. Believe me when I say I want this to be over. But I can only do what I can. I do appreciate all the advice I've been given. This is foreign territory to me and I'm just trying to make my way.

I understand that, but you also have to understand that we are trying to help you but we can't do the work for you. It is frustrating at times to be reading your thread and see how you could be doing something and you aren't. I want you to have a GREAT life. I would love it if you could also save your M. It's not that I think you don't have a lot to deal with. We all have reasons why we CAN'T do something. You need to find the reasons that YOU CAN. I hate to see you stuck in the beginning because you can't find a VAR. People have told you where to buy one. Believe me, I suffered some MAJOR 2x4's myself and I learned from them and grew from them.

It's like that old saying, "Give a man a fish, and he will eat for 1 day. Teach a man to fish, and he will eat for a LIFETIME."

That's all I am saying.

On the remote access...she has a valid point, Scotty. I have remote access to my work computer and if I were logged on at work and someone logged on remotely, I'd get kicked off.

I know about that. I am not talking about the emails. She said those stopped anyways. I was talking about the VAR and GPS.

I know that this is foreign territory. It was foreign to all of us here when we first got here. You have to learn and grow through this process and sometimes the 2x4's help nudge you in the right direction.

The VAR is my next project. So far, every store I've been to has not had voice actived recorders, only manual voice recorders which does not help me. I was unable to go anywhere else today as I had an ultrasound this morning. This is something I can not do with my young son with me because he is a huge talker and would tell daddy "we went shopping and mommy bought something". I can not risk that. Just as soon as I have another chunk of time to myself, I will go out and get the VAR. It's very frustrating that every place I have been to does not have what I am looking for. Very frustrating. In the meantime, I am doing what I can by checking email and Facebook. It's not that I'm doing nothing. I know I ask a lot of questions because my mind is not clear and I'm having lots of trouble focusing. I do not expect anyone to do the work for me - how could they? I thought I had simply been asking for advice. Yes, I know I have been asking for lots of it and I am probably asking the same questions over and over. Again, my head is not clear. I really don't feel that there is anything I can do right now that I'm not already doing. For some of these things to happen, I simply have to wait for the opportunity. I do remember everyone telling me to be patient and not blow it. That has been my main focus and something that is very hard for me to do. I start counseling on Monday which I hope will help.

Thanks for the tip. I always wondered what would happen if I logged in while he was logged in. I always make sure he has already left working before checking.

Careful - he might remove the carseats and throw them in the trunk when he's out and about. (Nothing romantic about carseats when you're seducing OW )

Anne, what are your sleeping arrangements? Do you share your marital bed with WH? Get up at 1 - 2 AM, tell him you're feeling queasy, might throw up, whatever, and that you're going to sleep on the couch so you don't disturb him. (Or the den, or wherever the closest area to the laptop is.)

If he has the laptop near him by the bed, toss and turn for a bit and then ask him sweetly if he would mind sleeping on the couch, or wherever, so you can spread out to maybe get over the queasiness. If he takes the laptop with him, you've gained nothing, but that's a smoking gun that there is intel on there that he doesn't want you to see. Double your efforts to get the keylogger on it.

The object here is to get him away from his laptop long enough to install the keylogger. If he takes it with him, you've lost nothing in trying.

Does he ever keep the laptop in his car? Get into it overnight while he sleeps.

Anne,

Wow, so much drama to get absolutely nowhere. Look at it from my perspective for a minute. No matter what your husband tells you at this point, you will never believe him. In your mind, forever, he has had at least one affair. The reason for it is right before you, and it is the same reason for every affair that happens, selfishness.

The real question is, what are you going to do when you find out your 'proof'? Honestly, the proof is irrelevant, it's not going to do you any good, in your marraige or court. What are you planning for the future? You can forgive and try to save your marriage... you can forgive and get divorced... you can not forgive and have those two same outcomes. It's really up to you. What you need to know, is you can't control him, or force his hand on anything.

At this point, I would really evaluate just having a conversation about his actions, and what you feel about them. His responses and words are meaningless, you already know he is a lawyer, I mean liar (sorry, couldn't resiste that one). It just seems like to much stress about trying to catch him, and well, catching him doesn't even matter anymore. What happened in the past needs to be confessed, cacthing him won't really comfort you in the future....

For now, you are in this on your own (on your own meaning no help from your husband), turn to friends and family to help you stay strong to your decision. Stick around the people that will support your decision, without trying to burn your friendships with those in opposition. They don't need to understand your reasoning, it is your decision. Make up your mind about what you want, and then go that direction...

-hang in there

@maritalbliss - thanks for the tip. I honestly never thought about getting up in the middle of the night and doing it. This is why I like this board - someone can always point out the obvious things you sometimes fail to see. I am going to try this first chance I get (he doesn't always bring computer home from work with him).

@RookKev - I do see all the points you are making and thank you for the feedback. I do feel it is most important to get 100% proof so that he can't deny it and try to say it's either some elaborate prank played by his friends or me just being paranoid since I'm pregnant. Only if I have proof will I feel comfortable in confronting him and trying to get him to move forward with me. Given any chance to deny, I think he will. I think it's a bit early for the conversation you suggested and I don't want to tip him off to what I know. Once I get VAR or am able to follow him to OW's house during a "workout" then I will be able to have that confrontation. Thanks again for your feedback. I do appreciate hearing from people with a different viewpoint.

So, how long do you search for proof? When are you comfortable with what you currenlty know vs what events have already unfolded before you? as well as his explanations.

I KNOW where you are at. We get focused on the 'game' of catching someone, and take our eyes off of what US betrayed spouses can't realize in the moment... WE have the power. My post was trying to indirectly to get you to realize that.

All it takes is to be betrayed once.

He doesn't always bring the computer home...hmmm...how do you know that for sure? Is there a chance the computer is in his car and he just doesn't bring it in? Can you get into the car in the wee hours of the night/morning and check it? How about when he's in the shower, getting ready for work? You've got a good few minutes to get into the car while the water's running and he won't be able to hear car doors open and close (my worry in my sitch, and I found that the running water covers up quite a bit of sound.)

I feel like I need to give it another week or two. I also feel like the time is helping me to become more rational and think about what I want. If I had said something a few days ago, it would have been a mistake because I was out of my mind. I still am but I am learning some control.

@maritalbliss - thanks again for stating some obvious ideas I never even thought of. If I don't see it tonight, I will find a way to check the car. I feel so silly for not thinking of some of this myself.

We've got your back, gf.

Right, and I"m not really advising you rush to the conversation either. Just trying to help out.

A couple of things, while I'm thinking about it:

Unless you bought two licenses for that keylogger that you've got on your home computer, the same installation program won't work on the laptop. You'll have to purchase another installation key.

If you go out to snoop in his car while he is showering, just plan to look to see if the laptop is there. You just want to confirm that he's keeping in his car. (My money is on that.) Don't necessarily plan to install the keylogger while he is showering, unless you know for a fact that he a taking a long-enough shower. You don't want to get busted. Just confirm that it's there.

Also, take a note out with you. The note should be some little sweet note "Honey, just a note to let you know I'm thinking of you - have a great day!" So if you DO get busted, you can pretend you were just putting a surprise note in his car for him. "Oh, sweetie - you caught me! I wanted to surprise you with a note!" Leave it on the driver's seat when you're done snooping, in case he catches you walking back in to the house.

Once you find the laptop, plan to put the keylogger on when you know you've got time.

The perfect scenario is if your H takes 20 minute showers, spends half an hour in the bathroom getting ready for work, that kind of thing. Don't forget how he had the laptop placed in his car, which way the handle lays, which way he had it zipped, so you can leave it exactly how you found it.

Anne- I in no way intended that you don't ask for advice on here. That is precisely what this is for. I meant to say to you that you needed to not just TRY to do these things, you needed to IMPLEMENT a PLAN AND EXECUTE some steps towards that plan.

There are a lot of people reading your thread, and there are a lot of people who are trying to help you. Sometimes you need the nudge. I needed it(them) and it helped. People don't just help you by telling you what you WANT to hear, they help by telling you what you NEED to hear.

I think that a better answer for the question about how long you were going to keep snooping could have been, "I will snoop until I get enough proof to EXPOSE." You could get that in 2 days not weeks.

Are you in Plan A right now? Is that what you are doing? I am just curious.

Thanks. You really are helping and I appreciate it so much!